A/N: I'm sorry! I had to do it. But even though the Doctor and Rose are separated I have no intention of leaving them that way
Rose pushed the door shut behind her and leaned up against it with a sigh of relief. Finally, some silence or at least as close to silence as she was going to be able to get today. She closed her eyes and though she could still hear the murmured sounds of voices and music playing downstairs it was enough peace for her to feel like she wasn't going to lose it. She walked to the bed and laid down on it, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. It was only then that she gave into the sorrow that she had felt all day.
It was Christmas in the parallel universe and the Tyler mansion was filled with people, enjoying the extravagant party they were throwing for the holiday. It was her mum's first opportunity to host a party in her new home and she had gone all out for the occasion. Rose didn't blame her for it; she was glad to see her mum so happy. It was just that there were so many people and they were all so happy that it had only seemed to highlight Rose's grief. She had tried to have a good day. She'd really tried to be happy or at least play the part but she ran out of energy quick. This was not like any Christmas she'd ever had. The contrast of how they were celebrating Christmas today compared to the way they always had celebrated it only proved how different life was here in this alternate universe. Though she knew that this day would have been difficult regardless of how it was celebrated, the extravagance of it all seemed to make it worse.
She couldn't help but feel how all of this felt wrong. How could anyone be celebrating anything? Rose could hardly stand it. It was strange for her to be so sad because she had always loved Christmas. But not today; not this Christmas. Not here. Christmas was supposed to be the happiest day of the year and maybe that was why today felt even sadder to her than all those before. The joy and happiness that one was supposed to feel on this day was completely absent from her heart. It was difficult enough to try and ignore her pain on a normal day. She never could forget it completely; she could only try and get past it. But even that was impossible for her today.
She had stayed at the party for as long as she could but when she could no longer fake happiness or interest any longer she had gone out to the backyard. It was really too cold to be out and she hoped to escape the crowds of people. No one else had dared to brave the cold and it seemed she would have a few moments of peace. But she had only been out there a few minutes when she got frustrated and went back inside to take refuge in one of the spare bedrooms instead. There were several zeppelins flying around obscuring her view of the sky which had only irritated her. She could never get away from those things and every one of them was a reminder. Every time she saw one it screamed This isn't right! Because there weren't zeppelins in her universe. There weren't zeppelins in his universe.
The zeppelins were just one of the many things that reminded her how far she was from home. This universe was never even meant to have a Rose Tyler living in it and she keenly felt how out of place she was here. She always wanted to go home but never more than she did on this day, a day that was meant for home and family and those you loved the most. She couldn't go home though. Her home was in another universe. Her home was in a time machine. But most importantly, home was with the Doctor. But as much as she wanted to be there, there was nothing in this world that could help her get home for Christmas.
Five months. She had been separated from the Doctor for five months now. It was five months, twelve days and three hours to be precise. She never could seem to keep herself from measuring the time, no matter how badly she wanted to. She had known that things were changing in her mind from all of the time she was spending with the Doctor long before they'd been separated. She had started to see their timeline and catch glimpses of the future; she could feel time and she started to understand it in the ways he did. A lot of those new abilities had faded without the Doctor there to help her exercise them but this crazy ability to measure time had, to her annoyance, stayed and remained as strong as ever. It was like she had a clock always running in her head. Most of the time she didn't want to know how long it had been since she had lost him. Watching the time grow was too painful.
Three weeks. That was the amount of time that they'd had together from the night they had glimpsed the future that would separate them until it had become a reality. Three weeks, two days, seven hours and four precious minutes of time spent together. This was a period of time she cherished being able to measure down to the minute. But sadly, this number did not increase as the previous one did. It remained frozen, never changing or growing.
Her mind throbbed in pain growing in intensity as she finally allowed herself to cry muffling the sound of it in a pillow. She held one hand up to her head and rubbed at it fiercely though she knew it would do no good. It wasn't just a headache; her mind was reaching out to touch the Doctor's. Her mind, like everything in else in her, missed him and needed him terribly. It was straining to make a connection with his but found nothing.
It was always the worst when she got upset. When she was upset her mind longed even more to be with his and receive the comfort that would bring. She'd been familiar with that pain even before their parting. She'd experienced it even from the beginning of their time as a bonded couple. The pain showed how they were meant to be there for each other. It had never been a problem then; he had been there to take it away. It was only a problem now because he wasn't there as he should be. Without his comfort the pain could go on for an awfully long time and it could reach new levels of intensity she had never experienced before. She knew she shouldn't allow herself to get too upset right now when she was already feeling so lonely and hurt but she couldn't help it.
The pain she felt was even worse because it was the pain of a broken bond. The pain of their separation had been unbearable when she first arrived here. The pain of their minds being ripped apart was the worst thing she'd ever experienced. They had been so closely connected that there was a part of him that lingered in her mind even when they weren't bonding. But when she'd been pulled into this universe away from him that part had been torn out of her.
She hadn't felt it instantly. She had beat upon that stupid white wall and screamed those three words she had dreaded she would. But she'd quickly quieted herself to listen. She desperately sought out their connection wanting to know if she could feel him or if maybe she could even still talk to him across the distance. In the weeks leading up to that day their connection had become so strong she felt she was almost to the point where she would be able to reach out to him. As she pressed up against that wall she had reached out with all the mental power she was capable of to see if she could reach him but she had felt nothing; she could not sense him at all. He was gone.
That was when the pain started. It had been so terrible that even now Rose didn't know what words to use to describe it. Anything she could compare it to was not nearly strong enough to accurately describe what it had felt like. She couldn't remember much of what happened immediately after that. Everything had turned black and she could hardly hear anything. She was sure that her mum and Pete and Mickey had rushed to her but she didn't remember it. She remembered nothing of the drive back to the Tyler mansion. She thought maybe she remembered Mickey carrying her upstairs and laying her on a bed in one of the bedrooms. She did vaguely recall her mum sitting with her and holding her a while though eventually she had left, mercifully leaving Rose by herself.
She wondered if they had been scared. She knew it had to have been obvious she was in pain. She didn't know if she had been screaming but she knew with certainty she had been sobbing. Maybe they had just assumed it was only from emotional pain and thought she was being overly dramatic. If they had thought that no one had said it and for that she was grateful. That initial pain, where his mind was being pulled out of hers had been so incapacitating she couldn't have given any explanation even if one had been demanded of her. She didn't know how long that had lasted. She didn't know how long it had taken for their bond to sever, as they were pulled apart, leaving their connection frayed and broken and a deep hole in her mind.
After that was over she had been left with was the pain of a mental bond that was completely broken. This pain was different than that initial pulling apart from him and it was slightly less painful but she wasn't sure that was better. It was only slightly better but because it wasn't blinding she was more aware of what was going on in and around her and that was definitely worse. She became keenly aware of the state of her own mind. She could feel how torn apart it was, how it was gaping open, the place where the Doctor fit, empty, the edges of her half of their severed bond raw and limp without being connected to him.
She spent her first three days in this universe in bed. Despite the trauma of their bond being cut her mind had continued to reach and search for his. Maybe it was even because of that trauma that it had sought him. Never before had she needed comfort so much. Maybe her mind had reached out for him out of this need even though it had to know with certainty he wasn't there. She didn't know the reason it was still searching but she hadn't tried to fight it; she had given into it from the start. She was too emotionally upset to have any energy or will to think about trying to overcome it.
Her mum had checked on her several times a day. She had tried to get her to eat something or drink some tea or take a shower, anything that might make her feel better but she had refused. The pain and movement of her mind was entirely too distracting for anything else. It demanded to have her full attention and it would not be ignored for anything. She might have been embarrassed about staying in bed and crying for days if the pain hadn't been so terrible. It was an all-consuming pain that she couldn't have ignored no matter how hard she tried.
She had worried in those first few days that the pain would never go away. She hadn't known how long her mind would reach out or if it would ever stop. It had never been a problem because the Doctor was always there with her to relieve it so she had no idea how long it would last without him there. They had never discussed what would happen in the event of a separation. Neither had wanted to approach that subject but it had left Rose with a lot of unknowns. She had no knowledge of this on her own and there was no one she could ask for advice. No one here even knew the pain she was going through or how great the loss was that she was suffering.
But as bad as the pain was, it wasn't as bad as when she woke up on the fourth day and there was no pain; that was actually worse. Her mind was still and unmoving; it was no longer searching. It had given up. After three days of looking for the Doctor and not finding him it had resigned itself that he was not there. The end of the pain should have been a relief to Rose but it wasn't. Her mind had accepted her fate and had started to adapt to the Doctor's absence. That day she had gotten out of bed and, feeling numb, had faced this new world.
The relief from the pain wasn't permanent. The Doctor was still out there and her mind still longed for him at times as it was doing now. In a way, that was a comfort to her. She lived in fear that a day would come when it would be gone forever and what that would mean. There was a lot that she still didn't know about the bond but there was one thing she did know: There was only one way it could be permanently broken. Death was the only way to sever ties completely. So, every time she felt it, though it hurt, in a way, it was comforting. Because of it she at least knew that the Doctor was still alive.
Her cries by now had now developed into sobs. "I want you," she cried. "This isn't right; we're supposed to be together. We were always supposed to be together."
She felt the severed ends of their bond especially strong right now, the places where her mind should touch his, the places where her mind hurt the most. They weren't as raw as they had been at first but she was pretty sure they would never heal. They were becoming more irritated as she got more upset but she couldn't stop the cries. The pain would get bad but she knew it would eventually subside.
She kept herself from thinking about that day much. It had come only three weeks after the night that her and the Doctor had shared a terrible nightmare. That nightmare actually hadn't been a dream at all but a glimpse of the future, one where they would be separated. The Doctor had encouraged her that night to try and put the glimpse behind her since the events they saw weren't fixed and might not even happen. She had thought it would be harder to overcome it than it actually was. She had never seen the future before, fixed or in flux, so she wasn't sure how she could press past what she had seen. But she did. They did. Those last three weeks had been the best ones of her life. That future they'd seen could have been dread looming over them and holding them back. Instead, they had let it be translated into motivation to make the most of each moment and spend as much time together as they could.
They had made the very best of the weeks they'd had left. The Doctor had taken her to so many places, his favorite places. They'd somehow managed to avoid very many end-of-the-world scenarios in that time and had actually been able to get to the places they set out to. Maybe the TARDIS had known they needed to have the fun while they could and hadn't redirected them elsewhere. Whatever the reason they were able to be very selfish with that time and had been able to focus solely on each other. Every day was full adventure and every night they had spent together bonding their minds together. Spending time together in that way had not yet been an everyday occurrence for them until that terrible night. But after that night they hadn't wasted any opportunity. Not knowing whether they had days or years left together they had made it a daily event and had experienced each other as much as they could. It had all been perfect.
Their connection together had grown so much during that time. Rose had felt herself becoming stronger in her own abilities than she ever thought she could be. She still couldn't talk or touch his mind across the distance but she could hear whispers and a deeper sense and awareness of his mind since that night. His emotional and mental presence had been such a comfort in those weeks. Their bond had become so deep that there was a piece of him that was always with her and a part of her was always with him. They had become so close, that at the time they parted, she had known it would not be long until they would enter the deepest, most secret part of each other's minds and their very souls would be bound together.
They had finally decided to stop and visit Jackie and that was what brought them to back to earth on that day. It had even been his suggestion. Rose had almost said no but she had decided that she would like to see her mum. They hadn't been to see her for two months and she also knew that there was no way that the Doctor would be leaving her side. She wouldn't have to choose between seeing her mum or the Doctor; he wasn't going anywhere. And the fact that they both knew this and still he had suggested all that domestic time to make her happy meant the world to her.
That day had begun as such a happy one. She'd grabbed her bag of laundry and they walked out of the TARDIS towards her mum's flat. She'd felt so good that she was bouncing with energy and happiness. She was glad to see her mum again and even the Doctor hadn't complained or grumbled at all that they were going to see Jackie. They had only had a few minutes with Jackie though before things had taken a quick change for the worse. It was hard to believe that a day that had felt so good at the start had ended as the worst one of her life. The rest of that day was pain and she did her best not to remember it.
There was another day she tried not to remember. That day, only two months ago, had come in as a close second to the worst one she'd ever experienced. It was the day when she'd last spoken to the Doctor on that terrible beach. It wasn't quite as bad as the first day she'd been parted from him but it was still dreadfully painful. She'd had so much hope for that day when it had started. But it had ended leaving her no closer to the Doctor than she had been when it began. That meeting which she'd had so much optimism for had only served as another farewell to him.
When she'd woken one night hearing him say her name she knew it was real. She knew it wasn't just a dream. Not when it was him; not with what they were capable of together. Nothing was normal between the two of them; she knew it meant something. She had known he was calling for her. She felt him guiding her and she knew where he wanted her to go. In an instant, she was prepared to follow his voice until she got there. She had assumed that he had finally found a way to get through the universes and that he was telling her where to go so he could bring her back. Ever since she had become trapped in the parallel universe she had hoped that he had been working on a solution that would bring them back to each other and that day she thought he had finally found one.
She had explained what was going on to her mum, Pete and Mickey as best as she could, only giving them the information she was comfortable with. She didn't tell them about the special bond between her and the Doctor or about her own telepathic abilities. She told them that the Doctor had certain skills and she was very sure that he had found a way to actually communicate with her. She thought that they would assume she had finally lost it. She expected their resistance. But to their credit they had all been supportive even if they might have been slightly skeptical. They all accompanied her to Norway and waited while she searched for the Doctor.
When she saw him her mind had felt conflicted. She could tell the difference between his image and his actual physical presence; she knew that he wasn't actually there with her. But just the sight of him, after such a long separation, caused her mind to flutter. Three months might not seem like a long time to some people but, for two people who were connected as closely as they were and who were meant to walk through life side by side, it was an eternity.
She had spent those three months managing the movement of her mind. She had finally come to a place where its activity no longer plagued her relentlessly. She had finally gotten to the place where she was able to deal with it and it was no long overwhelming to her most of the time. But all of that work seemed to come undone with just one look at his face. It was so deceiving to see him there and it preoccupied her so much that for a moment she had forgotten that he wasn't actually standing on the beach with her. Before she knew it she'd reached out a hand to him.
He whispered "no touch" and they both knew what that meant; they couldn't be together the way that they both so badly wanted to be. She knew that, of course, but it had hurt all the same. She began to get the feeling that this meeting was not the rescue she had hoped it would be. "Burning up a sun to say goodbye" was what he said. Goodbye. He hadn't found a way to bring her home.
She wanted to tell him she hurt. Her mind hurt, her heart hurt, her body hurt. Everything in her was reaching, searching, longing to connect with him and finding nothing. She wanted to feel him in that moment but there was nothing. No sense of him, no presence of the inside of him. Surely, this wasn't the end. He said he'd come to say goodbye, that the universes would fracture if he attempted to come through. But that couldn't be true. It couldn't be right if it kept them apart when they needed to be together.
She could hardly contain her disappointment when she realized that she would have to stay there in that wrong universe and that she wouldn't be leaving with him. The past three months had felt like a nightmare and she wanted it to end. It was even worse when she found out that they would only have two minutes to speak to each other. That was hardly anything. She couldn't think of what to say; words weren't nearly enough to express herself. There was so much between them and two minutes of spoken words couldn't do any of it justice.
She had wanted to be strong, like he was being. But she couldn't help but start to cry as the bleakness of their situation became more and more real to her. She had uttered words to him that day that they had only spoken to each other within the confines of their own minds. She'd never had to say them out loud. She liked that the only way that they had ever said "I love you" was secretly between them. But there he was, quite possibly for the last time, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't speak the words to his mind. It felt somehow wrong to say them out loud but she couldn't not say them if this was really the last time she would speak to him.
The time was so short that he didn't even have a chance to say it back to her and in the end she was left on that beach without him. That parting had not been as painful as the first but that did not mean much. The hopes she'd brought with her of their reuniting again were dashed when he faded from sight. She felt as if she had lost him all over again. Her mind had already gone through the separation from his but it ached terribly that day from all her sadness and disappointment. It had taken her several weeks to recover from that day and still she wouldn't accept that it was the end.
Rose felt so alone. The loss of the Doctor would have been enough to do that but on top of it all she had no one else to turn to. She was so grateful to have her mum, Mickey and Pete with her in this strange universe she was forced to live in but they weren't in the same position as her. They were happy to be here but she couldn't be. They wanted to be here and she could think of nothing but leaving. She tried not to show how sad she was, how much she hated this world, how she couldn't get attached to anything because it was all temporary. But she knew they all still saw it. They had been so supportive but as the months passed she knew they had to be wondering when she would start to move on with her life. She tried to make it look like she doing better with each day because she couldn't bear to have anyone suggest she needed to get over the Doctor. She shuddered at the very thought.
Nobody understood how much she couldn't do that. This wasn't a normal human relationship that she could 'get over.' As long as she lived she could never 'move on.' They didn't know she was forever bound to the Doctor in her mind. It was lifeline commitment and was irreplaceable. She didn't hold it against them because they didn't know. How could they? How could she ever explain what she and the Doctor shared? She couldn't and she didn't want to try. She didn't want them to understand. What her and the Doctor had shared was so personal and private that she didn't want anyone to know about it.
What she did want was someone she could actually talk to. She knew she couldn't really have that since there was no one who could understand what she was going through and she was unwilling to explain it to anyone else but she still wished she could have it. Instead, she had to save all of her sorrow for when she was alone like this. That was the only time she could let it out. Sometimes when she was curled up in bed clutching her head she just wanted to scream. It seemed to be too much to bear all alone.
She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew she was standing in the control room of the TARDIS and the Doctor was standing in front of her smiling joyfully at her.
Come and talk to me! I've missed you all!