The Noah Story

The Super 3D Noah's Ark version.

Rated R for ridicious.

Partially inspired by an AVGN episode, reading online reviews and playing Wisdom Tree NES and SNES games for a laugh.

Many, many centuries ago before you and me were born. Noah was doing some bodybuilding. He may have been an old man, but he did a lot of exercise to keep his health up in his old age. Suddenly God came up to him and told him that the world was full of rotten people and there was going to be a floody floody.

God told him to get two of every single animal, one male and one female, and to put them on an ark, he had a week to do his work. God then placed some wood down for him to do his work. Sadly God didn't know what an incompetent man Noah was going to be .

A week later God came into shock, at what Noah had done. He had built a boat the size of a city. With many secret rooms put "just in case of an emergency." God was angry with Noah.

"This isn't what we agreed on. That boat is absolutely massive, how do you expect me to float that like a feather?

"You're God!" Noah replied. "You can do anything!"

"Why did you build it so large?"

"Well I thought in order for the breeding to go better, I'd put at least a few hupndred of very single animal on the boat so the breeding can go better!"

"What!? NO! I told you…..How did you get all those animals on there anyway?"

"I picked them up with my bare hands."

"You did what!?"

"Well what was I supposed to do!? I figured that's the point of you picking me, because of my super strength! Plus it was hard getting Ernie the elephant and Ginny the giraffe out of that zoo! The zoo keeper was none too happy! I just barely got away!"

God faceplamed. "You…..Never mind, just get on the boat, I'll make it float like a feather.

So God cast a spell causing the land all around to flood, and Noah set off with his insanely huge boat with a few hundred animals of each type.

Although it looks like there was some trouble on board the ship, for the animals terrifed senseless of Noah with his super strength and how he had picked them up and carried them and their families awayfrom their homes decided to team up with each other and kill him. They didn't exactly like Noah and god's way of doing things. Some thanks for saving the bastards from the end of the world eh?

In order to save himself and his family. Noam locked his wife and three sons along with their wives in a room while he went on to save the day. (Whatever that meant) Noah complained to God about the raging animals, and God gave him a catapult and cast a magic spell on the food to put the animals to sleep. With Noah complained why he couldn't just cast some kind of sleeping spell on the animals. God just replied.

"Don't complain of my ways! Do your own work, it's your own fault we have so many animals!"

"Well...It's time to praise God and hand feed billy goats." sighed Noah "And I'm all outta goats."

And that's exactly what Noah did. After 6 days the flood was over, and the animals were free to repopulate.

"Boy, Burt the Bear sure was hard to calm down."

"More like put down, you animal abusing bastard." said God.

"Did you just swear?" replied Noah

"No…NO I DIDN'T!"

Now you have to question God's common sense at LEAST IN THE WISDOM TREE GAME VERSION of Noah's Ark, God flooded the Earth to kill off all the bad people. Yet he chose Noah, a guy that could already be accused of animal abuse because he puts animals to sleep with a catapult, and something tells me that Noah could be on steroids. I don't think it's just doing bodybuilding that he managed to lift up all those heavy animals with no effort in and also knock them out with heavy objects when they refuse to go with Noah. And let's not forget the theft he performed to get some of the animals.

More of Noah's common sense you have to question is this. I mean, if you were on an ark full of irritable, pissed-off animals with murder on the mind , the last thing you'd do is start slapping up giant posters of yourself and adorning areas with little flags saying 'NOAH'; it's just going to make these already eerily aware animals even worse. (And yes this is in the Super Noah's Ark game.)

THE END.