Okay, readers, this is, in fact, is the South Park version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Some of you will love it, some of you will hate it. Kind of like the Jonas Brothers or Hannah Montana and High School Musical. You can only love it or hate it, not in between. And I do hope that you will love this one. This version does not have lyric-edited songs, so if you feel like it, you can stop the story when you feel like it and play the Rocky Horror Picture Show songs. So let's begin our fantabulous adventure, because after all, it's just a jump to the left...

The Rocky Mountain Picture Show

Written By:

Kyle J. Pitre

Based Off the Screenplay By:

Richard O'Brien

&

Jim Sharman

Chapter I: A Late November Evening

It was the wedding of the century. Two lovers. A match made in Heaven. The wedding took place at the old South Park chapel. Sure it was old, and run down, but it was classic and it set a romantic mood. It was the wedding of Tweek Tweak and Clyde Nommel. These two lovers decided to marry immediately after the two graduated high school. They had been going out for years and were one of the most popular homosexual couples standing right next to our heroes, Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski.

The wedding has just finished and everyone is set up on the steps in front of the chapel for a group picture. The two grooms on the bottom step in mid kiss; passionate and heart-felt and meaningful... and most likely with tongue. But anyhow, the rest of the guests, set up on the second step, third step, and the small platform leading for the doors. The guests consisted of Tweek and Craig's mother, father, siblings. Both of them had no uncles or aunts and no direct cousins. They had Kyle and Stan be their best men. Tweek's was Kyle and Craig's Stan.

The picture was truely worth one millions words. The newly weds were in the middle of a full and deep kiss, the parents were crying, the siblings were laughing and smiling, and Kyle and Stan had their arms around one another showing the peace sign. The sky was a pale blue with a bit of clouds and the three single owners of the small chapel were quite ominous looking. All three of them with pale skin. Two female, one male. One held a pitch fork and wore overalls and the two ladies wore disgustingly out of style dresses. All three of them looked blankly into the camera. They didn't stick out much, for they were at the side, but nonetheless, they were creepy as hell.

After the bright flash of light of the camera had flashed, the camera man quickly collected his money from Craig and gave his number to Tweek for when the photos developed. He despersed the scene in an old black Lincoln. The guests also took no time in leaving the area. It was romantic, yes, but it was gloomy and depressing. They left, but Kyle and Stan hadn't seen any place as mood-setting as this place, you know, having lived in South Park and all. Craig walked up to Stan and patted him on the shoulder as they were about to walk off and enjoy the lovely, but gothic scenery.

"Well, Stan, I guess we made it, huh?" Craig said patting his back.

"Well I don't think there was any doubt about that," Stan replied. "You and Tweek have been almost inseparable ever since you two took weekly therapy with Mr Mackey."

"Tell you the truth Brad, he was the only reason I came in the first place," admitted Craig, blushing as Tweek snook a kiss on the side of his husband's mouth. "Talking about my problems was never one of my strong points, but I sure wish Mr. Mackey could have made it today."

"Yeah, Kyle and I make fun of that guy all the time," Stan laughed as Kyle joined him. "But he's alright. We drove over to see him last vacation. It's a shame his new job took him away from South Park."

Craig notices how close Kyle's and Stan's foreheads connect. They both whisper something sweet and they both begin to wear childish smiles and throw eachother a few sweet kisses.

"Hey, fella," Craig said patting Stan again. "It looks like it could you your turn next."

"Well, who knows?" Stan responded putting his arms around Kyle.

Stan and Kyle now found themselves standing alone in front of the chapel. They looked to the small graveyard and decided to stroll through it. Probably the passed relatives of the previous owners of this holy building. Stan walked next to his boyfriend with his hands in his pocket. Kyle took his hand out of his pocket and dug into Stan's to grab ahold of his.

"Oh, Stan, wasn't it wonderful?" Kyle asked his lover while looking into his sapphire eyes. "Didn't Tweek look amazing in that suit? Just an hour ago he was plain old Tweek Tweak. Now he's Mr. Craig Nommel."

"But they're both guys," Stan pointed out a bit confused. "Does Tweek wanna take Craig's name?"

"Shit, Stan, anything's better than Tweak."

"... Good point."

"Well, Craig's a lucky guy."

"Yes."

"And Tweek's a pretty good cook."

"Oh, yeah, I heard."

"And Craig will be in line for a promotion in about a year or so."

"Yes."

There was a silence. Kyle and Stan didn't usually talk like this. Stan had something on his mind. He had wanted to say it for quite some time but he just didn't know when. He figured now that they were all alone that now was a better time than other. Kyle knew it too. He saw the look on Stan's mouth that he wanted to shout something at the top of a mountain. He was just waiting for a good time. Stan finally stopped. Kyle stopped with him.

"Hey, Kyle."

"Yes Stan?" Kyle asked, a little too sudden.

"... I've got something to say."

"... U-huh?"

"Umm... Oh, Jesus Christ, I lost my train of thought."

"Oh, Goddammit Stan!!"

"What?!"

"Oh, come on! You've looked like you've had to take a piss all friggen day! You got something on your mind, and I wanna know what it is!"

"Jesus Christ, Kyle, marry me!!"

He had just said it. Those words that made Kyle sweat and had made his heart skip a beat or two. Kyle couldn't tell, he was in too much of a shock.

"What did you say?" Kyle asked flustered with his hand to his heart.

"I want you to marry me, Kyle."

"But... But why?"

"Dammit, Kyle, I love you!"

"You wanna marry me? You're not joking?"

"Hey, I'm not joker," Stan said a bit more relaxed closing in on his lover. "And here the ring to prove it."

Stan pulled out a wedding band. It was priceless. It must have been the most beautiful piece of gold and diamond Kyle had ever seen, and his face said it all.

"What do you think?" Stan asked.

"Oh, it's nicer than Marilyn Munroe had!"

"Marilyn Munroe got married?"

"I dunno, I think she did."

"I dunno, I'm pretty sure Marilyn Munroe was a dirty whore."

"Oh yeah." Kyle looked at his ring again and got excited once more. "Oh SHIT! Yes, Stan, yes!"

"That's awesome, Kyle! I love you!"

"I love you too!"

The two embraced and welcomed eachother with their wet and lovely tongues.

"I remember," Stan began.
"Yes, Stan?" Kyle asked separating his lips from his but leaving his hands on his shoulders.

"We've known eachother for so long."

"Yea, absolutely."

"But remember when we actually became friends?"

"Well, ya, of course. We were sent to Mr. Mackey's office. And when we were waiting to see him we got to know eachother better."

"Do you remember what we got in for?"

"I think you got in for telling the teacher to shut up and I got in for kicking a kid in the shin."

"Oh, yeah!" Stan bent over in fits of laughter.

"So what?" Kyle asked enjoying Stan's lightheartedness.

"Well, it was because of Mr. Mackey that we actually met and became friends."

"Okay, I guess. So what are you getting at then?"

"Well now that we're engaged, there's one thing left to do."

Kyle had no idea where his brand new fiance was going with this. "And that's... ?"

"And that's go see the man who began it!" Stan finished. "When we met in his special therepy session."

"Do you remember whatt you did when you first saw me?"

"No, what?"

"You gave me the eye," Kyle giggled.

Stan held Kyle's waist. "Oh, yeah." He managed to sneek in a couple more kisses.

"Alright, fine," Kyle said with a school girl smile. "Let's go see Mr. Mackey and thank him for bringing us together."

"That's the spirit."

Later that night, Stan and Kyle decided to waste no time and drive up to where Mr. Mackey had moved to: Central Park. When Stan and Kyle had gotten the directions, they thought their grade school councelor was kidding. Central Park was an urban myth created by the residents of the Park County area. This included North, South, West, and East Park. Years ago, Central Park used to be dab in the middle of the four mountain towns, but after the mayor of Central Park and many of the citizens were accused of murdering other Park County citizens, the Law Enforcements of all of Colorado decided to exclude Central Park as a town althogether for its reputation as being the core of murder and rape. Since they were no longer a part of the Park County, they were alone, but the state of Colorado didn't want them either, and the US Government didn't feel that they deserved to be a state. Central Park was permanently removed from the map and their title of town was relinquished. In technical terms, Central Park is a blank piece of town in which no one wishes to claim it.

Central Park was therfore used to tell scary stories to children and threaten children that if they didn't eat their vegetable, the Ghost of Central Park would come to eat them instead. Stan and Kyle were a bit frightened that anyone in their right mind would want to live in Central Park. Mr. Mackey's excuse was that the people who lived there were devastated and most of the children were troubled or destructive. They needed a good counselor.

The couple got in their car and drove up. Central Park was in the middle of a series of mountains. The only way they could go was up. It was pouring rain. Stan's windshield whipers barely did anything. He had both fists clenched to the leather wheel with his head low as if to avoid the cascading rain and his shoulder haunched as Kyle was buried in 4 different maps of the Park County, each map with different roads and directions to this living (or dying) legend of a town.

"That's the third motorcyclist that's past us!" Kyle stated peeling his eyes away from the many papers for only a moment. He rolled open the window and stuck his head out. "Fucking ass hole!!"

Stan grabbed Kyle by the belt and pulled him back into his seat.

"They certainly take their lives in their hands," Kyle mumbled returning to his maps. "What with all the weather and all."

"Yeah, Kyle, life's pretty cheap to that type," Stan said keeping his eyes on the road.

The car slows down and stops entirely as Stan looks ahead. He them drops his head on the wheel with lost hope.

"What's the matter, babe?" Kyle asked.

Stan lifted a finger and pointed to the sign in front of them that read 'DEAD END.'

"Crap," Kyle thought aloud.

"I think I might have taken a wrong turn," said Stan lifting his head from the wheel.

"But if this is a dead end, there where did those motorcycles come from?"

"Shit!" Stan clenched onto the wheel again and took deep breaths. He was calm again. "Looks like we're just going to have to turn around then."

As soon as the car began to back up, there was what felt like a miniature explosion underneath their car. The boys jumped. Stan look very startled but Kyle looked to be in pain seeing as the boom bopped him up and made his head hit the ceiling of the car.

"FUCK!" Kyle cursed. He began to rub what he knew was going to be a bruise. "What was that bang?"

"I dunno, we must have a blow-out."

"A blow-out?" Kyle asked. "But that was a friggen Komakahzi air raid!"

"Relax, hun," Stan soothed kissing Kyle's neck. "You'd better sit here and keep warm while I go for help."

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Kyle was not gonna be left alone in a place that was known for rape and murder. "We're in the middle on nowhere."

"There's no point in both of us getting wet."

"Well, I'm going with you," Kyle confirmed unbuckling his seat belt. "Besides, Stan, whoever owns that phone might have some hot and sexy guy and I'll never see you again."

They both laughed lightly. After a quick kiss, they both turned off and exited the car. Stan and Kyle found themselves in an enormous downpour of thick balls of rain of the likes of which they have never seen in their white-bred, red neck, podunk, white trash, horse water, mountain town of South Park. Kyle had to take his shirt and pull it over his head, not that it would matter, he was getting soaked anyhow. Stan simply thought what Kyle was doing was cute because in lifting his shirt over his head, a small bit of Kyle's adorable stomache was showing along with his naval. Stan stared for a while, then returned his sight to what looked like a brick wall. It looked more like a tall brick fence. Kyle and Stan continued to walk along it until there was a black iron gate. They could see, in fact, behind that gate, was an enormous house. It looked like a castle. Jesus titty-fucking Christ, it was a castle. A castle that they had never seen, and the boys haven't been to that many castles.

"Please tell me we're not going in that castle," Kyle asked his fiance.

"What castle?" Stan asked a bit overwhelmed by the size of the home.

"That castle! That... Frankenstein place, thingy, haunted house!"

"Well, from the looks of it, there's a light over at the Frankenstein place."

"I don't care if there's a light," Kyle argued, getting to be his stubborn self. That's one of the things Stan loved about him.

"Oh, come on, Kyle," Stan chuckled. "What's so bad? It's just a big house. Rich people live here, and they could treat us to a soft warm couch or even a hot shower. Maybe even a luxery dinner? You know we've always wanted a luxery dinner. Didn't we, hun?"

Kyle smiled a bit. "Well... I suppose."

"You see?"

"I guess... But if we're going to walk up out of nowhere and ask to use their phone, then we'll at least have to -- AAAAAAHHH!!"

"What, what, what is it?!"

"Look!"

The extremely frightened Kyle pointed a trembling finger to a window in the tallest tower of the castle. Stan looked into the mirror and saw what looked like a face that quickly withdrew having been seen.

"Jesus, that's nothing short of creepy," Stan said disgusted.

"I told you!" Kyle clutched onto Stan's wet shirt.

"Come on, Kyle, we have to get out of this deserted place, and I have a high feeling that this will be the only house for a long time."

"Oh, Goddammit, Stan!" Kyle said finally giving up.

Stan opened the gate slowly as a most eerie creak was heard that made Kyle quiver. Stan held him tightly to his chest as they began to walk up the path. There were hedges in the shape of animals and people that Stan found interesting, but Kyle found it a bit creepy. They walked up to an enormous door. Stan grabbed onto the door knocker and slammed it a few times. In an instant the door creaked open and out came the smell of antiques and mothballs. Stan and Kyle wrinkled their nose at the stench, but guised it with weak smiles once someone had answered it. It appeared to be a very pale teenage boy, around their age. he wore a long black robe that went past his ankles and wrists. the hood that was a part of the robe had two strings to be pulled if wished to be tightened, which they were, over the boy's mouth so that all you could see where his nose and eyes with an icy blue iris that struck Kyle's heart with fear. Thin platiunum blonde tendrils of hair drooped in front of his face. He looked at both of them as if waiting for something.

"Hello..." the pale boy greeted finally. The boy's name was Flip-Flop, but Stan nor Kyle would have gotten the chance to hear it too many times.

"Uh - oh - Hi!" Stan said, a little loud than he had wanted to sound. "My name is Stan Marsh. And this is my fiancee, Kyle Broflovski. I, uh - wondered if you could help us. Listen, our car broke down about two miles up the road. Do you have a phone we could use, please?"

Flip-Flop got a good look at both the boys, taking a good long stare at their wet clothes and even a longer one at each of their crotches. His eyes returned to Kyle's.

"You're wet," Flip-Flop stated.

"Yeah, it's kinda raining," Kyle reminded Flip-Flop, a bit confused at his way of stating the obvious.

"Yeah," Stan agreed.

"Yes," Flip-Flop also agreed, almost to himself.

As a bolt of lightning illuminates the entire property, Stan manages to catch a glimpse of the motorcycles that had passed them a while back. Flip-Flop notices that Stan has seen the vehicles and opens the door slightly wider.

"You had better come in," Flip-Flop suggested, not sounding nice, or mean, but monotone.

"Thanks, you're too kind," Kyle said and then quickly walking into the house.

Flip-Flop grabbed a candelabra and led the two boys down the main hallway. Kyle and Stan followed behind the creepy boy without saying a single word. Both of them were looking at the scenery around them and weren't at all admirable of the expensive qualities that were draped in cobwebs. Kyle leaned in to his fiancee.

"Stan, I'm fucking scared outta my mind," Kyle whispered. "What the hell kind of place is this?"

"It's probably just some hunting lodge for rich weirdos," Stan whispered back.

They had finally reached where a staricase was on the left and a silver double door on the right. There was on old grandfather clock and many heads of numerous animals mounted on the wall. Stan looked around in shock, but didn't show it, as to not offend the boy who so kindly let them in. Once their attention had been broken from the heads, a sucking vacuum sound was heard; sounded like a cheap Dirt Devil from the early 90's no one uses anymore. They look for the source of the noise and found that it was, in fact, a Dirt Devil. The holder of the appliance was a young female, around the same age, once again; a maid. She took a shocking resemblance to Flip-Flop. She wore a dark lipstick with heavy mascara and eyeshadow. Her aurburn curls were wild but brushed to the right side of her head, an attempt at fashion, that died in the 80's, on which a maid's cap rested lightly. Her name was Fuchsia, but, once again, Kyle and Stan won't know for they would never hear any of their names. Fuchsia rose her head and gave a provocative smile to Flip-Flop to which he enjoyably returned with a lick of the teeth and a wink.

"Are you having a party?" Kyle asked Flip-Flop after a long silence of touring the halls.

"No," Flip-Flop answered. "You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs."

"Lucky him," Kyle said, nodding his head, trying to make conversation.

"He's lucky," Fuchsia added. "You're lucky! I'm lucky!! WE'RE ALL LUCKY!!"

The crazed teenage maid threw her head back and laughed uproariously, taking the boys by surprise. Flip-Flop burst open the double doors to reveal the special occasions that he had spoken of. There were about 50 people inside a black and silver ballroom complete with a miniature stage only fit for the throne-like chair on it. Around the space there were long tables with black and red table clothes. On the tables, there were plates of food with nationality flags sticking in them, resembling what country they originated in. Everyone was dancing to catchy music and eating the food, and everyone, with each bite, had an orgasmic reaction on their face. As Fuchsia and Flip-Flop ran deeper into the ballroom and began to dance oddly, Stan and Kyle back up closer out of the double door. They were just about out of the door when they felt a thick figure behind them block their way out. When they turned around and saw they person in the door, Kyle fainted at the sight.