So, lately (and by lately, I mean within the past few months) I've been having a hard time; not with work or school or anything, but just with people and my emotions. I feel better when I'm able to channel those dark, negative feelings into something productive, like writing. But... I guess depression will always be a factor in my life, and lately things just seem to trigger it more and more. *shrug*
So, I just want to put a sort of disclaimer in here before you read on.
I, in no way, shape, or form have personal experience with self harm. At my lowest, I thought about it, because I didn't think I could go any lower. I didn't, thankfully, but I do know that there are people out there that do. And I feel for you, because while I don't know personally how it feels, I can imagine the emotional toll it takes on you, how low you must have to feel in order to feel like self harm is an option. This one-shot does not aim to make any generalizations about self harm, or antagonize those that do in any way.
If you feel uncomfortable about anything in this one-shot, please, message me privately.
Also; self harm is a real issue, and if you ever feel that low, message me. I've learned that talking to others helps my mental and emotional state, so please talk to me or someone you trust and maybe I or someone else can help you through it. I love my readers.
Song: Lonely No More by Clay Aiken
Worthless. Stupid. Ugly. Piece of trash. Nothing.
Each separate thought was another mark on my arm, fresh blood spilling into the sink. Cutting had become the norm for me. I had reached such a dark, shallow point in my life that nothing, not even talking to my only friend (who I happened to only know through the internet) seemed to help. The only relief I had from my emotions and from my always-active mind was the sharp blade I held in my hand. The sting of the fresh cut seemed to distract me for a few moments, as did the sharp pain felt after. Relief. Negativity seemed to pour from each cut and made me feel lighter.
But the aftermath was always the same. Negativity poured right back in as quickly as it left. I always felt ashamed at each new cut on my arms, my legs, and yet I continued to do it.
Permanent relief seemed to be nothing more than a fairytale, something I was desperate to reach, and yet wasn't sure if it was there.
I rinsed the blade and hid it away in the far corner of my cabinet and cleaned up the blood with bleach and a rag. My father didn't have a clue what I was doing in here every night. He didn't have much of a clue about anything, really; the continuous beer drinking seemed to make sure of that. He was probably sound asleep in his chair, TV on, half-empty beer sitting within arms' reach. I let out a bitter laugh. I was alone, for the most part. My mother died about three years ago, the same time my dad began to drink more than just his one beer with dinner. The cutting began shortly after that.
I sat in the bathroom for a good ten minutes, staring at myself in the mirror. I had always been pale, even coming from Arizona. My brown eyes, once having so much sparkle that my friends always used to joke that I was up to no good, now sat dull in my skull, a muddy brown with no life at all. My hair hung limp down my back, the same brown color as my eyes. I wore no makeup and wore clothes that were at least one size too big for me so that they hung loosely. Always long sleeves and long pants, even in the summer. Although, summer in Washington was basically the same as Fall or Spring, never hitting higher than 60 degrees.
School was tolerable, only because everyone ignored me. Maybe not "ignored," but they left me alone. I always did my work and turned it in on time. I had decent grades. In return, the teachers left me alone to my own devices. I was exempt from group work and presentations in front of the class. I had a sneaking suspicion that some people thought I was planning to blow up the school or come to school with a gun one day and just have at it.
Truth be told, I didn't have enough care left to even think about doing anything as stupid as that.
Thinking about school reminded me that I had an assignment to finish for English. It was getting close to the end of junior year, so these assignments were supposed to be more for fun than anything. I had to write a paper on an event that changed my life, and include the impact it's had on me. Five pages, minimum. Double spaced. Size 12 font. I think for a moment about writing the entire truth about my mother's death and the impact it's had. But, I decide against it; I'd rather not be taken in for a psychological evaluation or made to talk to some kind of shrink. I don't talk to anyone.
Ding.
Except him.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Edward's POV
"Edward, are you still on the computer? God, you've been on it since you got home from school! Let's go outside and play basketball or something," my brother Emmett whined. I rolled my eyes.
"We do that everyday, Emmett. I'm allowed one relax day, aren't I?" I said, looking away from the screen to look at him. Truth be told, I would go outside and school my brother like I always do, but I was waiting for her to get online. The girl I met through a book website a few months ago. HopelessGirl was her screenname. I didn't question how sad it sounded, because she seemed to be nothing like her screenname. She was always animated, full of life and ideas. She and I liked the same books and shared similar interests.
The only thing we didn't share was anything that would lead us to meeting in person. She hadn't really given me any indication that she wanted to meet, even though I was totally up for it. I had never talked to someone that shared as many interest as I do before, and it really made my day a little brighter when we were able to talk. The only personal information I've gotten out of her is that we live in the same town - Forks. Mind you, Forks is a small town, where everyone knows everything about everyone. You could sneeze and by the next day everyone would know.
"Yeah, I guess. You're probably just scared I'll beat the shit out of you," Emmett taunted, wiggling his eyebrows. I opened my mouth to remind him that I had beaten him in every single game we've played when my younger sister Alice bounded down the stairs.
"Emmett, leave him alone. He probably just wants to talk to that girl he met online," she said casually, floating into the kitchen. Emmett's mouth formed an O before transforming into a mischievous grin.
"And what girl might this be, Eddykins?" he inquired, using that god forsaken nickname he knows I hate.
"Just a girl I met through a book website," I muttered, cheeks turning bright red as I focused on the screen.
"She lives in town, but he still has no idea who she is," Alice called through the open doorway. That damn sister of mine. She knows everything.
"What exactly do you do, spy on me?" I yelled.
"It's not spying if you leave your laptop open on the living room table and I just so happen to be walking by," she responded, giggling. I made a mental note never to leave my laptop laying around anymore.
"It's none of your business anyway, Emmy," I told him, shutting my laptop and heading towards the stairs.
"Bro, come on. You've got half the female population at school groveling at your feet and yet you choose to talk to some girl you met online? You're captain of the football team, you're on the basketball team, you sing, and you're student body president. You can get any girl you want!" Emmett yelled at me.
I ignored his shouting and slammed the door to my room.
I only want her.
OoOoOOoOoOoOooOoO
Bella's POV
I massaged my fingers and rubbed my eyes, putting the laptop aside for a moment while I stretched my limbs. It had gotten dark outside and the only light in my room came from my computer. I just finished putting the final touches on my paper. I knew I was a good enough writer that I would get a high grade on it; Miss Harvey loved my papers. She was always saying how I was such a good student and had such a smart mind; I just ducked my head and ignored the stares from my classmates. They weren't exactly hateful, but I knew that they didn't appreciate getting overlooked. I came to class and did my work like everyone else; I guess I just didn't have to put as much effort into what I did in order to get high marks.
Half my class was about as smart as a brick wall, anyway. Composed mostly of jocks and the high school slut population, they had the combined IQ of a bucket of cement. However, there were a few exceptions. Where I sat in the back, I could people watch if I got bored enough. I never was called on to answer a question; Miss Harvey knew I was smart and knew the material. Third row from the front, far left seat, sat Jacob Black, a LB on the football team and VP of the student body. He was kind to everyone - well, except me for some reason - always looking to help where help was needed. He drove a motorcycle and was almost seven foot tall. Right behind him sat Rosalie and Jasper Hale, brother and sister. They were really popular and well liked, and for good reason. They weren't snobby, even when they had the right to be.
They've tried speaking to me, and getting to know me, but I just wouldn't - couldn't - let them in. So they've stopped trying. But they're always smiling at me in the halls, or saying hi when they see me. Once upon a time we could have been best friends.
Sitting directly in front of me was the most popular boy in school: Edward Cullen, brother to school clown and basketball captain Emmett Cullen and school fashion columnist Alice Cullen. To be associated with a Cullen was almost compared to being associated with a King or a Queen.
Very nice people, although Emmett was kind of arrogant, if you ask me.
I hit the send button on the e-mail to Miss Harvey and switched to Skype. I felt the corners of my mouth tug into a small smile when I saw his screenname. ThatOneGuy. I didn't know his name, just that he lived in Forks too. It was kind of a secret between us, I guess. We had never video - or voice - chatted, just IM like normal.
My family is a real pain in the ass.
I giggled. He was always complaining about his siblings; he had a brother and a sister and two loving parents. Must be nice, I thought bitterly.
My dad doesn't bother me, and that's how I like it.
I wish my siblings never bothered me; they're so nosy. My sister happened to read a conversation of ours and began prying for more information.
What did you tell her?
That you were nice and easy to talk to; that we shared similar interests.
What about your brother?
He kept trying to tell me I was wasting my time, telling me how I could have - and I quote - any girl I wanted. Why doesn't he understand that I'm not like that? Just because I'm into a bunch of activities doesn't mean I'm using any of that to my advantage. I don't want to be THAT GUY.
Funny you say that, since your screenname is ThatOneGuy. XD
Ha ha, very funny. Hey, I've been meaning to ask. Is there any way you can let me know your name? It's killing me, not knowing. Because Forks is so small that I'm sure I know you, or have seen you, and it's bugging me that I don't have a name.
I sat there silently, staring at the screen, my hands hovering over the keys. If he knew who I was, he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm just that freaky girl that doesn't talk to anyone and wears baggy clothes and has hundreds of scars - fresh and healed - on her body. The girl that hates herself more than anyone will every know, who wishes she had the strength and the courage to make herself disappear. I've thought about suicide - just a handful of pills, a deeper slash of the skin - and Isabella Marie Swan will be no more.
But I've got one more year until I can move halfway across the country - or even the world - and start over. Just 365 days. I can do this.
Still there? Or did I scare you away?
I'm here, sorry. Just thinking. I'm always thinking, it seems.
About anything in particular?
Not really. But to answer your question... I'm just not ready for you to know; not yet, anyway. If you knew who I was... you would hate me. You would call me names and stop talking to me. Just give me some time, okay?
He took a while to respond.
I would never - could never - hate you. You're more real than any person I've ever met, online or in person. I feel so comfortable talking to you, as if we've known each other our whole lives. Believe me. Nothing can make me hate you. But I will give you time - as much as you need. I'm a patient person. Just know that I'm here, okay? Any time you need me.
A tear slipped down my cheek. That's more emotion anyone's shown me since my mom died. I mean real, true emotion; not the fake sympathy I got from distant relatives and "friends." I'd rather have no friends than fake ones, and I guess that's what I got.
I really care about you. I want you to be happy. Do me a favor. Tomorrow, no matter how sad you may feel or how low you get, be happy. Smile at someone, even if just for a moment. Dress yourself in something that makes you happy. Whoever this person is that's taken you over, let her go away for a day. Take a day and believe in yourself; believe that you can fight this sadness inside of you, and let me know how it goes, okay? Have a good night. xo
He signed out and left me shaking with more emotion than I've felt in a long time. Someone cares, I thought. Maybe I'm not alone after all. I had been numb for years, it seems. Unable to feel more than what my cutting has allowed me to feel. I couldn't remember what it felt like to care, to laugh, to just be happy for one moment. Happiness was unfamiliar to me; it was foreign. Sadness reigned, leaving happiness to die. I didn't think I could do it.
How could I be happy for a day when I haven't been happy in over two years? Did I even know what happy was anymore? How am I supposed to - how, I don't know, I can't - I shot off the bed and ran for the bathroom, leaning over the toilet and throwing up my dinner. Anxiety seemed to come with the depression. Any time I felt even a sliver of positivity, I would throw up. I would become anxious and have a mini panic attack. I eyed the cabinet shortly after, wanting in my heart to relieve these feelings from my body. The blade would be cold and smooth in my hand, calming me instantly. I fought the urge to grab it and sat on the edge of the tub, crying until my throat was sore and my eyes were stinging. Wad after wad of tissue found its way into the trash can and I leaned over, putting my head between my legs.
"I can't," I chanted back and forth while rocking slightly. More tears fell, some landing in my mouth as I sobbed quietly, their salty taste somewhat comforting. I felt a dull stinging as the fabric of my clothes rubbed against fresh cuts. All of this was just so much to handle; I spent two years in negativity, two years being by myself and two years being numb.
For the first time in two years, I was no longer numb. And it scared the living shit out of me.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
Edward's POV
I closed the laptop screen and sat back in bed, taking a deep, lingering breath. I hoped that she took my advice, because it killed me to know that she was hurting inside and I couldn't do anything about it. I ran a had through my unruly hair and rubbed my eyes. It was almost midnight, and I had school the following morning. I set the computer on the table and covered myself with my blankets. My last thoughts were of a mystery girl; she had no feature to her except one thing: a dazzling smile.
oOoOo
When I woke up the next morning to the sound of my alarm, I felt tired, but somewhat anxious. What I was anxious for, I wasn't too sure, but something good was going to happen today, I just knew it. I hopped out of bed and into the bathroom. I managed to have a good 15 minute shower before everyone else woke up and began hogging the hot water. I headed downstairs and into the kitchen, sitting down in front of a plate of scrambled eggs, french toast, bacon, and a tall glass of my favorite - apple juice.
"Good morning sweetheart," my mother chirped, throwing a smile at me. I smiled back as best I could with a mouth full of food. I felt the usual slap on the back of my head as my brother made his appearance. I saw a flash of pink and sparkle as Alice sat down next to me, and my father made his way in as well, straightening his tie. I can't think of how she must feel, not having a family - a real family - to wake up to in the mornings.
"So Eddy," my brother started, shoveling food into his mouth, "are you going to be at practice today or are you going to skip it in order to talk to your woman?" I choked on my food and glared at Emmett.
"'Woman?'" inquired my father.
"It's nothing, just a girl I met through a book website," I reassured him. I was going to kill Emmett.
"Oh? And what's her name?" my mother asked, looking genuinely interested. I never really brought girls around like Emmett used to; I'm more of the romantic type, so I'm just waiting for that one special girl. I'll know who it is when the time comes.
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. My mom opened her mouth to respond when I hastily stopped her. "She lives in Forks, that's really all I know. She also has some... family issues and I think she's afraid I'm going to judge her for them, which is why she won't tell me. I'm sure I know her, she just really would prefer I didn't know who she was," I explained.
"Poor girl," Alice said softly. She looked at me and our eyes met for a moment. Alice sympathized with me in a way Emmett never could. It's almost like we were fraternal twins, aside from the age difference. "Want me to try and find out who she is?" I shook my head.
"That's a kind offer, but no thanks Alice. I'm just going to respect her privacy; when she's ready to tell me, she'll tell me," I responded, smiling at my sister. She nodded and began to eat her food. As I finished my breakfast, I couldn't help but wonder.
What if she goes to my school?
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Bella POV
I woke up, my eyes slightly puffy and my throat raw from crying the previous night. I slept soundly from exhaustion, but I had a knot in my stomach that wouldn't go away. I sat up slowly and wrapped my arms around my knees. I thought about what he said last night, about trying to be happy today, and I decided to try, for him. Even though he would probably never see it, I could go online tonight and tell him that I did what he asked. That I tried.
After a shower, I slowly walked to my closet and opened the doors, taking in the baggy clothes on hangers that I normally wore. I swept them aside and paid attention to the abandoned clothes on the far side of my closet. I pulled out a soft blue, v-neck, long sleeved shirt and a black camisole to put underneath. I pulled out an old pair of dark wash skinnies that I had thrown in the back of my closet ages ago. As I dressed, I stared at myself in the full length mirror on the back of my door.
I looked... like I did three years ago. Before all of this made me the black hole I am today. I pulled out an old pair of black wedge heels (small heel of course; I was always clumsy) and slipped them on. I felt the small height boost; it felt familiar, like an old friend. Something was missing. I went to my jewelry box and pulled out my mom's gold heart necklace. She was wearing it when she died and I could never bring myself to wear it - until now.
"Be with me mom," I whispered, clutching the small heart. I brushed my hair and held it back with a small black headband. I pinched my cheeks to add some color and stared one last time at the mirror. I looked - normal. Even though I was anything but.
"Here goes nothing," I muttered to myself. I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door, ignoring my still snoozing father.
oOoOo
It's safe to say, people were shocked the moment I walked through the doors. I still wore my signature jacket, and had my music glued to my ears, but I got more looks. More people stopped and stared when I walked by; I ignored them, hating this new attention. Today would be like any other day, but I'm doing this for him. Just one day, and tomorrow can go back to normal, I reminded myself. I stopped at my locker and dialed in the combination. I switched out my books for my first few classes and shut the door, noticing someone walking down the hallway.
Edward and Jacob were walking towards me. Not towards me specifically, but in my direction. What the hell, I thought, and when Edward briefly caught my eye I did it.
I smiled. Teeth and all. At Edward. Freaking. Cullen. I could have picked anyone, and yet I picked the most popular boy in school.
But the surprise didn't end there. After the brief shock at the shy, secluded loner smiling at him, he smiled a dazzling smile back at me when he passed by.
I caught some of their conversation as they passed. "Damn, isn't that the freak that sits in the back of English class?" Jacob asked Edward. Anger coiled in my stomach, followed by regret at ever listening to what my only friend asked me to do. I ducked my head and began walking away, when I heard Edward's reply.
"That's Bella, and she's not a freak," he said angrily. He knew who I was? But... I don't talk to anyone. Yet he still knows who I am.
I shuffled away quickly and into first period, the entire encounter replaying over in my head like a video.
Things were changing, but I wasn't sure if I could handle it.
The morning went by quickly, but talk about my sudden change in appearance was all over school. You'd think I was new, everyone kept staring so much. I still ate alone, head buried in a book, but I heard all the chatter and gossip. The jocks made crude comments, save for Edward; the sluts were catty and rude, as expected.
Two trays slid next to mine, suddenly. I looked up, my eyes widening at the sight of Rosalie and Jasper. They smiled at me, as if it were normal for them to sit with the school outcast. The loner. The "freak."
I opened my mouth to question them when Rosalie held up a hand.
"We wanted to sit with you, Bella, and be your friends; but you always gave off a vibe that you wanted solitude and peace, so we respected that. We figured," she said, looking at her brother, "that you could use a friend. We don't know what caused the sudden change, but we want you to know, if you want us around, we would love to be in your lives." She finished her explanation with a hug and I froze, not used to any kind of contact from anyone.
The last person that hugged me was my mother. The realization caused tears to freely fall down my cheeks, but I tentatively returned the hug, squeezing her t let her know I appreciated the friendship. "I'll be right back," I muttered before I flew from the cafeteria and into the bathroom. I was alone, thankfully, but I was a mess. I was conflicted, emotionally, and I needed relief. I brought my razor blade with me, and it sat cold and silent in my purse. I didn't reach for it though, because the door to the bathroom opened and small arms encircled me from behind, pulling me into another hug.
It was Alice Cullen, of all people. I didn't question it this time; I just returned the hug and she allowed me to pull her into the floor where we sat for the rest of lunch. I cried, and she let me.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Edward POV
That smile was still fresh in my mind. That gorgeous smile; one I hadn't seen in years. Bella Swan smiled at me. She doesn't look at anyone, let alone smile, and she smiled. At me.
"Earth to Edward," Jacob said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. I broke out of my trance and looked at my lunch table.
"Sorry, just lost in thought," I said sheepishly, reaching for a french fry.
"Look," Seth Clearwater said, pointing in the direction of a lonely table. There sat Bella, by herself; or at least, that's how it normally was. This time she was accompanied by two people: Rosalie and Jasper Hale. I cocked my head in curiosity, wondering what they were doing over there. I saw Rosalie hug Bella, Bella visibly freeze, and then the two girls hugging.
Suddenly, Bella bolted in the direction of the bathrooms. Something was nagging at me in the back of my mind. I turned to my sister, who sat right beside me, witnessing the whole scene as well. "Alice?"
"Hm?"
"I'm going to sound crazy, but hear me out. The girl I've been talking to online... well, last night I gave her a mission of sorts. I told her to take today and be happy. To smile at someone and dress in something that makes her happy. I wanted her to cheer up and not feel sad and depressed, like she's been feeling. It's been nagging at me since Bella smiled at me, but..." I trailed off.
Alice smiled at me. "You think Bella is the mystery girl," she finished. I nodded, happy my sister understood what I was trying to say. "I'll take care of it," she said before she bolted in Bella's direction. They were gone the rest of lunch, and when Bella showed up for English class, her eyes were red and puffy but she seemed... lighter. Happier. She sat down behind me as usual and spoke to no one. Miss Harvey noticed Bella's change in appearance and smiled brightly in her direction. I felt my phone buzz and pulled it from my pocket. It was from Alice.
Go get her, Edward. :)
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Bella's POV
School felt longer today than it has in a while. It was more emotionally exhausting too. I ended up spilling my guts to Alice in the bathroom floor through my sobs and my runny nose. She listened patiently and intently before helping me pull myself together. She put her number in my phone and promised she'd do everything in her power to get me the help I needed. She said she always had a feeling we could be best friends, but better late than never right?
This girl - she was something else.
I noticed Edward looked at me funny when I walked into English class, but I ignored it, just as I ignored the hopeful smile Miss Harvey gave me when I walked in and sat down. I ignored all of the stares and the whispers as best as I could. The day finally ended and I went home. Dad wasn't there; he was working. I dragged myself into my room and laid on my bed, falling into a deep slumber for a few hours.
I woke up, curled into a ball with drool down one corner of my mouth and my phone buzzing next to my head.
Alice Cullen calling, it read. I answered the phone. "Hello?" I mumbled, still under sleep's strong spell.
"Bella? I have someone here who wants to tell you something," she said brightly; I was awake now, clutching at the phone like a life line.
"What? Alice, I don't -"
"Your smile was more than I could have imagined," a smooth voice said into my ear. My eyes widened and I sat up, clutching at my head.
"E-Edward?" I stuttered.
"Well, you know me as ThatOneGuy, but yes, the one and the same." He was smiling, I could tell.
Wait a minute. Edward. Freaking. Cullen. is my online best friend?
"So... you know who I am now,"I mumbled, covering my eyes. I expected the worst, as always.
"I do, and Bella?"
"Yes?"
"You looked happier today than I've seen you in two years."
I was more than happy, I was ecstatic. I was light. I was...
"Hopeful," I murmured.
"I guess you're in need of a new screenname," he joked lightly, but I could feel the admiration through the phone; he was radiating happiness, and it was slowly catching.
I clutched the phone while walking to get my purse. I pulled out the razor blade and set it on my dresser. But I just looked at it silently for a few moments before I realized: hope came in the form of people, real, permanent people; not the temporary, cold hope of a razor blade.
"Bella, are you still there?" asked Edward anxiously. I smile at the phone before turning away from the blade; the past.
"I'm still here Edward, and you know what?"
"What's that?" he asked, a smile in his voice.
"I'm not going anywhere."