Warning: Mentions of sexual activity. Later there might be some acts of sexual activity. One talk of suicide, but it's in reference to someone who commited it.

Rating: T for now.

Characters:Kurt, Sebastian and Blaine. More glee characters in later chapters.

Disclaimer:If I owned Glee, would I write fanfiction?

I didn't know how I got into this mess. It started out with something so simple, so sweet. Only after the sweet and simple went away, there was a feeling of fear, anxiety and self doubt. Things hadn't been the same, not since the start of the summer, just after we lost nationals when Blaine admitted to me that he loved me. I told him I loved him back, which I did, and that was the one thing that scared me the most. I loved my mom, she died. I loved my dad, and he almost died, and now every minute since then, I'd been terrified that the last time I seen him would in fact be the last time I'd see him. I thought I'd loved Finn, in the completely none platonic sense, and look how that ended up. I'd lost everyone I'd ever loved, at one point or another. For or short period of time, or forever, what did it matter if you lost them? So I knew that Blaine and I wouldn't last forever, that we wouldn't always love each other, so I should have cherished it while it while it lasted, just in case it ever stopped. Instead I did the thing I always do when I have a problem, ignore it and mope.

After several thoughts, feelings and just down right self pity, or was it guilt of what I was doing with Blaine? Not that it mattered, anyway, after all that it lead me here, sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's office. I suppose it was my own fault, though, I'd lead myself here, sitting in front of her, her big sympathetic eyes burning a hole through mine. It had basically started out the day I walked into Lima Bean and saw Blaine and Sebastian Smythe talking. Although that wasn't the real start, it was just the start of the consequences. We - That being Blaine and I - Were meeting at Lima Bean for a date? I think. It could have been a coffee break, or just an after school chat - as couples do. That's when I saw Blaine sitting there, with him. I walked over, feeling sick to my stomach, on their not so innocent conversation, not that I heard a word of it, but I knew what Sebastian was like. Sebastian was the first to see me, Blaine caught his eyes wandering and seen me moments later. "Hey Kurt," Blaine said innocently, as innocent as anyone could be around Sebastian. "Sebastian, this is Kurt, my boyfriend." Sebastian raised an eyebrow, about to say something, something that I would regret now, and Sebastian would regret later, but he caught me shaking my head ever so sligthly and smiled.

I extended my hand and smiled my best fake smile. "Pleasure." I sat down next to Blaine, intertwining our arms, which caused yet another raised eyebrow from Sebastian, and a smirk. Blaine was talking about something, I wasn't listening, keeping my eyes on Sebastian, making sure there were no signs he was going to say anything. The converstation went on for all of a minute before Blaine got up and went to the bathroom, or probably to get coffee, I wasn't really listening, you know, since I was already running for the best boyfriend of the year. "What the hell are you doing with my boyfriend?" I spitted out.

"Funny, I don't recall you ever mentioning a boyfriend while we were -" I cut him off before he could finish.

"Why do you care? I thought you didn't give a crap about me or my life, same vice versa."

"I was dying to meet Blaine. Those Warblers just won't shut up about him. Didn't think he could live up to the hype, but as it turns out... "

I cut him off again. "What you like him?" He laughed, not a good sign.

"No. Don't get me wrong, he's cute, but too... " He looked for the right words, after he couldn't find one, he gave up, but as per usual, didn't shut up talking. "Anyway, that's when I realized who his boyfriend of over three months was. Way more than three months, but that was the number I cared about," He didn't explain why, I already knew. Three months ago was the night we... Met. "You never told me. I felt hurt, wanted to meet the famous guy who I bested in more ways than one." He smirked. That's when Blaine came back.

"So what are you guys talking about?" Sebastian spoke up before I could even open my mouth.

"Kurt was asking if I could come along to the that play you're starring in. West Side Story." If looks could kill...

"That's a great idea, Kurt." It was lost on me why Blaine thought so. I stared into Blaine's eyes, those gorgeous eyes, and he smiled at me, unable to see the frown behind my smile. He really was innocent, like I used to be. Time changes everyone. It was echoing around in my head. I starred at the tray in front of me on the table, unable to look at the person I was hurting so much, except I did it the sneaky way like Sebastian, and Blaine didn't even realize it... But secrets have a way of coming out. Sebastian spoke up again.

"But as sexy as that sounds, what do you say we shake things up? I get you guys a couple of fake I.D's," He looked at me, knowing fully well I had my own. "And we head over to Scandal's in West Lima."

"Scandal's? That's the gay bar." Blaine questioned, but I had known all too well.

"The last time I was there I met the man of my dreams on the dancefloor." Sebastian was talking about me.

"That's so sweet," I probably shouldn't have asked but he was loving this too much to spoil it now. Sebastian had a thing for games. "And are you two still together?"

"Sadly, no. We broke up about twenty minutes after we met," He grinned. "But it doesn't stop us from repeating it every now and again."

"That's a little bit too much information, thank you." I said. It went completely over my head how Blaine was staying silent. Watching us.

"Really? To me, you seem like the kinda guy that likes it like that." At that point, I was sure Blaine was looking between us, sensing something was up, and that the tension was rising, still he stayed silent.

"Well, you're wrong."

"What about you, Blaine?" That was crossing a line, no matter what way you looked at it. Before Blaine had a chance to even consider forming a thought about it, I pushed the tray sitting on the table in front of me into Sebastian's coffee cup, which then crashed onto the table, and ended up spilling over Sebastian's pants. "Crap!" Sebastian stood up, wiping away at the wet material. Blaine stood up and handed him some napkins, and picked up the coffee cup. "Good thing that wasn't as hot as it should have been." He joked. It really wasn't funny.

"Oops," I said as dry and sarcastic as possible, although I was smiling like... Something that smiled alot, on the inside. Blaine still remained silent, at least when it came to me. When it came to Sebastian it was all 'Are you OK?', 'You sure?', 'It was an accident' blah blah. "Might want to go home and clean that up before school tomorrow." I said as menacingly as I could. Did I pull it off? Most likely not. Did I care? No. He nodded, smiling. He never smiled like he did today while he was with me. This smile was genuinely nice, the smile he had when I was around him, alone was more... I wasn't quite sure. It was completely different though.

"I should be getting home anyway. Bye Blaine. See you later, Kurt." The way he said it, so seducingly annoying. He thought he was getting lucky tonight, and with me! Unbelievable. Before I could even properly start or finish ranting in my inner thoughts, Blaine finally spoke to me, just as Sebastian left the building.

"What the hell was that?" Blaine asked, not happy.

"Did you see the way he was looking at you? The way he was with me? He was coming on to you!" I lied, but it's better than the real reason. Anything, and I do mean anything was better than the real reason. I looked into his eyes again, just realizing that I had just lied directly to Blaine's face. I don't think I've ever done that before.

"I know he was," Wait, what? Either he actually was, and if that's true, Sebastian will be getting a punch, or Blaine was seeing things that weren't there, which I really hoped he was. "But it's not like I'd do anything with him, like ever he's not even my type," Thin. Brown hair. Pale skin. Taller than Blaine. Not his type at all. But it wasn't Blaine doing something with Sebastian that scared me. "Oh, and even if he was, do you think I would? God, don't you trust me?"

"You know I do. There's just... There's something about him that I don't like." Wasn't really a lie, but that doesn't mean it was the truth. A part of me really did want to tell Blaine the truth, but I couldn't. I would hurt him too much, and eventually, ne way or another people would end up finding out and it was just get ugly. It was agreed with any further arguing that we would go to Scandal's tonight. I played right into the trap, but either way Sebastian would have won. If I didn't go, he would be able to tell Blaine anything. I go, he could push me too far. No one knew it but when pushed far enough, and I do realize what I sounded like, I easily could get someone bloody. Only one person ever saw it, Sebastian. Only thing was, he enjoyed it, for Sebastian, the rougher, the riskier, the more chaotic, meant hotter. To be honest, it was the same for me.

That night, I got dressed in my fanciest clothes, hoping to God that no one recognised me, considering the few times I've been there I was wearing clothes that could have been Finn's, they were that hideous. If only a plastic bag was fashion friendly, because if it was, I would so, so wear that over my face but because of my luck it wasn't. I examined everything. Perfect clothes, check. Perfect skin, check. Perfect hair, check. Perfect relationship... To be continued. I walked downstairs, that's right I had a room upstairs ever since the hudmels moved into a different house, only downside it was next door to Finn and at night I heard some questonable sounds at best. "Going out, dad."

"Where?" My dad called out from a different room.

"Out." Admittedly, I'd been a bit of a bitch to basically everyone around me. I didn't really know why, but I was. I didn't like to think of it that way though, I liked to think of it as I was going through that annoying teenage stage phase where you turn into a hormone bomb.

"Out where?"

"With Blaine."

"That's not what I asked."

"And it's not what I answered." And with that I walked out of my house, to my car, picked up Blaine and we were on our way to Scandals. I didn't know where or when Blaine suddenly started to be so interested in having sex with me. When did my life become all about sex, seriously to the teenagers of the world, it's really not worth the thought. I found it ironic thought, that Blaine said he wanted to wait unitl it was comfortable for me considering all of the almost dangerous things I'd done with... Well I don't need to draw a picture. Still, with the play coming up, sectionals after that, glee drama inbetween all that, I didn't know where he got the idea of having sex with me. We pulled up in the parking lot of Scandals. Walking towards the bar, I felt wasps in my stomach, trust me - the gayest guy, like ever - to be the only person to get somethine worse than butterflies in my stomach. Thank God it was Joey at the door. As long as you had some sort of I.D. that said you were over twenty one, he didn't care, so the sudden change in name, age wouldn't really bother him. It's not like I was fooling anyone saying I was twenty one anyway.

I knew Joey was going to say something to me along the lines of 'hey, Kurt'. He quickly stopped when I gave him a subtle shake of my head. He knew me, well that was a bit of a stretch, but he had seen me around, I'd talked to him once or twice. God, how long was Igoing to this bar?... Just under three months. We handed him our I.D's and after barely looking at them, or us, he nodded inside. "Tonight's drag queen night." And we headed in. I took a glance around. "Not very Scandalous is it?"

"No." Blaine replied. Then we saw the meerkat himself.. He was wearing that stripy green and blue, or was it stripy green and black shirt. The one he wore the first night I'd met him, sneaky bastard/ I remembered it surprisingly well, actually. It was a night of a serious follow up operation for my dad. Apparantly the non-stop check ups wasn't enough, I didn't understand a word of it from they way my dad and Carol explained it. It was too much for me and I got the fake I.D that Puck randomly gave me one day, and went to the only gay bar in town, also, the only place I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. I was dancing along the dancefloor, semi-drunk. It was a slow song, and the lights were flashing. Since I was dancing slow, apparantly it was sexy. Sebastian came up behind me, took my hips and started dancing with me. I was half drunk so I wasn't exactly stopping him, sue me, I liked feeling wanted. He got me more drunk, he got drunk himself, and I'd done the dead with him. I don't know which was worse:

1) Losing my virginity with Sebastian.

2) That I did it with someone I cheated with.

3) That I did it out of grief.

4) That I lost it in a bar toilet. A filthy one.

Take your pick. It didn't stop there, though. Anytime I had been depressed, angry, or hell even bored, Sebastian would be my way of coming to terms with it. It made me hate myself, but it did the job. To think, my mom thought I would end up being a good role model. I never really knew why Sebastian kept coming back for more. I ended up with a Shirley temple in my hand, he liked pushing my buttons. Sebastian and Blaine started dancing and I had to go somewhere without seeing them. Without seeing him. That's how I ended up in the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror for like five minutes, I must have looked so vein, but that wasn't the case, I kept staring just to see if that bitch in the mirror went away, and the real me would come back. The bathroom was completely empty besides me, at least until Sebastian walked in, eye rolling was becoming a bad habbit of mine, since I'd done it like ten times since I seen Sebastian. "Remembering your first time?" He asked.

I stared at the stall where I lost it through the mirror. "No," No bitchy comment, smart reply, or even a death glare, I must have been tired. "Where's Blaine?"

"On the dancefloor, I got bored and he started having a dance battle with some truck driver looking guy dressed all in leather."

"Which one?" I asked. Both of us actually let a chuckle out. This was the first genuine non-sex talk, non-morning after goodbye talk we've ever had. I have to be honest, I liked it. Something about it him, when I'm relaxed and it's just us two, it's comfortable. Even if it's nothing to do with sex, it's just comfortable. "Wait and see, we'll go outside and they'll be having a sing off."

"That would be fun. He's quiet the dancer. His hips really don't lie and he has the ass to go with them."

"Stop it." Sebastian put his hands on my shoulders, gently massaging them, and occasionally rubbing them up and down my arms, even more so when we began to talk. "Really stop it, Sebastian. Blaine could come in." I was practically moaning.

"He's too drunk and too busy, he won't." He was purring into my ear, getting ready to seduce me. I looked him in the eye through the bathroom mirror.

"Sebastian, stop it, please." He was looking at me, a smirk placed on his lips, he loved little vunerable me. "I don't want to do this anymore." Sebastian smiled, purring into my ear, even more so, at least. Rubbing my back, shoulders, and arms in all the wrong ways. So wrong it was actually so right.

"You say that now, but just wait, you'll come crawling back," He said, and I honestly feared it might be true. "All that time in the closet, you got used to the dark. Loved the thrill of keeping a secret, you spent all your time in there picking out clothes and being your own monster under your bed. Now, you're out of the dark, itching to go back in, only now, you've got a real secret keeping you out. One that absolutely no one knows about but me. You never belonged in the light with the others. You belong here, with me, on the dark side. Look at yourself, you know you crave that thrill, sneaking around behind everyone's backs, you might even like it. Hell, you're just a little bit in love with it." I pulled away from him, turning around to look him in the eye, dead on.

"If that were true, even just a little bit, even so I'd love that thrill more than I could ever love you." I said and he started chuckling, even genuine it sounded menacing.

"That's fine with me, I love me enough for the both of us." He was laughing even harder now, trying to compose himself. "C'mon Kurt, love is for old married couples. Sex. Passion. That's what I want."

"I love Blaine. That's why I'm stopping." But something was troubling me. "Why do you care so much? As much as I hate to say this, you could get half the guys out there. So why does it matter if it's me?"

"Because as much as I hate to say this, you're almost as good in bed as me. Probably just as good. Probably." He smiled. I walked out of the room. Just in time too, because I walked out just as Blaine - who was trying a particulary awkward and especially hard dance move resulted in Blaine on a heap on the floor. Great. I ran over to him, and along with one or two others, helped pick up.

"Are you alright, Blaine?"

"I'm fine baby, how are you?" He laughed. He was drunk, hooray. "Hey, I saw you and Sebastian going into the bathroom, were you's two having sex?" He said, laughing while I guided him to a bar stool. "I'm just kidding, I know you'd never do that to me." He smiled at me, going in for a kiss.

"Seriously Blaine, shut up." After some very brief conversation, I came to the conclusion that he was too drunk to even be standing. I helped him off the chair, at which point Sebastian chose to reappear.

"You need help?"

"I don't need your help. With anything." I spat out at him, his little monlogue in there had me thinking more than I'd like to even admit. Was I really that desperate to have such a dark side? Did I really love sneaking around behind everyone's backs? Did Sebastian know me more than my dad? More than me? It could have been true. They all could have been. Three months since I met Sebastian and we had sex like... Multiple times. Was it because of Sebastian or because of the fact that I had grown so used to lying to everyone I developed a hidden love for it? It could have been that night of my dad's operation that I just found doing that with Sebastian to be the best way to relieve stress but even so why with Sebastian? If it was just sex, then why couldn't it be with Blaine? Why did I go out of my way to do it with Sebastian? So many unanswered questions. I guided Blaine out and into my car. A half hearted, unintentional drunken rape attempt later on Blaine's account and Blaine had decided to walk home.

I knew it wasn't safe, but I couldn't bring my feet to move. I felt two arms wrap around my waist as soon as Blaine was out of sight, I jumped and moved away, but just before letting a scream escape my lips I stopped, realizing that the man standing in front of me, in the illumination of the street light was Sebastian. He was really running for desperate stalker of the year. I was too tired to scream at him, hit him, be angry at him, I just wanted him to go away so that I could go away. "What do you want?" It came out whiny, but I don't care, the alcohol I took was starting to catch up with me - I wasn't drunk, far from it, I just was a bit tipsy, but my body felt too heavy for my head.

"Blaine's gone." I actually somehow managed to laugh.

"You can't be serious." His face said it all. My face deflated. "Oh dear, you are." Before I could say anything he pounced on me, his lips attacking mine. Our kisses were always the polar opposite of Blaine and mines. Blaine and I kisses soft, sweet, the way couple's do. Sebastian and I... Our kisses were wild, destructive, but admitedly, they were hot as hell. I kisses him back. This must have been the opposite of romantic, two guys kissing outside a hardly scandelous gay bar, in the black of night, with only the street lights illuminating us, battling over control of the kiss. I knew I shouldn't have been doing this, but I was doing this but I was distressed, and hurting and I just wanted to make that go away, even just for a little bit. Then it hit me, it would only go away for a little bit. I'd always known it but it just seemed to really hit me at that moment. A short term solution for a long term problem. I pushed him off me, where he accidently bit my lip and he fell to the floor, a satisfied grin creeping along his mouth.

"There's my boy." He said, quite proudly.

"I will never be your boy."

...

It had been late by the time I got home. Almost five in the morning, I could tell because the sky was getting brighter and the sun rose around six this time of year. I didn't get in the car straight away. I walked around the block once or twice, just to let some of the alcohol wear off, let my head clear since I wasn't doing anything with Sebastian. I then drove home. I quietly opened the door to my house, hoping not to wake anyone up. I stepped inside, and went out of my way to close the door extra slow and extra gentle. There wasn't really a point though because when I saw into the living room, my dad was here. Wide awake. "Come in here and sit down." I obeyed.

"Hi." That was really all I had to say?

"That's really all you have to say?"

"Apparantly." I'm sure it came out worse than I intended it to, but I meant that in a non-smart ass way.

"Where were you tonight?" Shouldn't I have told him the truth? I would never breath fresh air again but he could help me, I hoped. I mean it was probably worse than it sounded; 'I was at a gay bar with two guys, one who I'm sleeping with occasionally and can't stand and the other is my boyfriend'... Yeah telling the truth wasn't a good idea. "And what the hell happened to your lip?" Huh? I gingerly put a hand to my mouth, only now realizing it was cut. Sebastian bit me when I pushed him away and he cut my lip.

"Blaine and I got carried away."

"Oh," My dad looked disappointed in me. "What's happening to you, Kurt?" Those five words were the reason I stood up and walked out of the room. My dad followed me, I was halfway up the stairs when my dad called out "Where'd my son go?"

"Upstairs." Wow I really was turning into biggest bitch since Quinn Fabray before she got pregnant... And then after she got pregnant. Which is what lead me to Ms. Pillsbury's office the first time, yes the first time. I tried to explain everything as vaguely as I possibly I could. I told her that I wasn't acting like myself, and was making questionable choices and being a bitch, that was pretty must the whole of it. "So is there something wrong with me?"

"To be honest, Kurt, I don't think that there's anything wrong with you. I just think you're making bad choices. It happens." No it wasn't. I knew there was something wrong with me. I should have probably told her that depression ran in my family and that's what caused her to kill herself. So I did. That's when she began getting worried.

"OK, Kurt. I'll tell you what, I have a friend who deals with this kind things right. Come by and see me last period, and I'll ask her expert opinion, OK?" I nodded. Great, first step is getting help. Even though that wasn't the first step of anything but... So school went by extra slow. Glee was alright, but I couldn't look at Blaine, who couldn't look up due to his hangover. Even after glee school went extra, extra slow. But finally, last period came and it was all I could do to not run into Mrs Pillsbury's office. I knocked and she beckoned me in. I sat down and she smiled at me.

"So?" I asked, literally on the edge of my seat, I could feel the tears building up. I could feeling the butterflies in my stomach. I could feel the sweat starting to build. She smiled at me, and put her hand on mine.

"Kurt, relax." She smiled at me once again. "Breathe" I did so, and she sat back, wiping her hand with a cloth. "I talked to my friend, and based on what you told me, she doesn't think there's any cause for alarm." That was probably the worst thing she could have said. I felt my eyes water, I'd imagine they looked like a road after it rained. So if there's nothing wrong with me, then I was acting like this because it was who I was. I wasn't going through a phase. Or acting like a bitch. Or acting at all. This was me. She must have saw me go pale and my eyes water because her eyes were burning a hole in my head. "I don't think you heard me right. I said you were fine." I looked at her. Shaking my head.

"There has to be something wrong with me. I'm not being me. I'm lying to everyone, I'm sneaking around behind everybody's backs, I'm ditching classes all just to sleep with Sebastian." I didn't mean for it to slip out but it did. I gasped, and looked at her in shock. Word vomit. That's when the tears slipped out. She looked at me, the shock in her eyes replaced with sympathy. Ms Pillsbury knew all the glee drama. Somehow everyone in glee found out about Sebastian, then Mr. Schue did, and he told her. I was breathless as I was talking. "Please don't tell anyone." I breathed it out, letting all the thoughts sink in. "Especially Blaine. The way he would look at me. What he would think. I'd be his Sebastian." Ms Pillsbury raised an eyebrow, growing confused.

"You'd be his Sebastian... But aren't you... Erm... Doing... That... With... Yeah" She asked, obviously uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop talking. She didn't seem to mind though, she was growing curious.

"I can't stand him. Even the thought of him make me sick. The thought's of his hands anywhere near me... " Ms. Pillsbury looked more comfortable. But I just had to ask her something. Something that had been plaguing my mind for three months now. "So why do I keep cheating with him?" She looked at me, pity in her big eyes. She didn't know. My cries were growing louder and stronger, and Ms Pillsbury let me cry. I don't know how I didn't collapse but I didn't. I just kept crying. "Why can't I stop?"

I didn't know how this was gonna end. But this is how this whole thing got started. No one knows how to build themselves back up unless they fall down. No one knows what it's like to be able to finally stand up straight, after you've had a downward spiral. Hopefully, I'll soon find out what's like to get back on my feet.