Title: Heaven
Author: weasel87
Pairing: HP/SS
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The beautiful J K Rowling owes all.
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This had become my ritual. Especially after serving a detention with you, I always went up to the room of requirement, walking along the blank wall three times, I always thought of what I needed the most in there, when the door appeared I step through.
In the room, is the same, chair and desk near the window, just to the right there is a sink. I make my way over to the desk, which has upon it, a quill some ink and a roll of parchment. I take my costume seat and begin to write in the diary I started back in September.
However this time its so different to all the last times I've written on it. This time I spoke to you in my detention, I spoke about my fears.
Flashback
"Professor?" asked the voice with the black hair.
"Yes Potter," said Snape turning to face the pupil.
"Um, I need to talk to you."
"What about?" he asked.
"Well, back in September you said that I could come and speak to you about anything, I mean I could go to Professor Dumbledore, but I know you will be straight forward with me, and it may seem wrong on what I am going to ask but it has been with me since we left for summer."
"Stop stalling Potter and spit it out you are in detention."
"Is it wrong to fall for another man?"
"As in being gay Potter?" he demanded.
"I don't know, I mean I suppose so, is it wrong?"
"Potter, if you feel that you love a man then it's fine. Everyone's opinion is different. Some people even see it as a cardinal sin, and wrong for a man to feel like this."
"Oh," and with that I go back to cleaning the cauldrons he had set me.
End Flashback
Now I am sat here thinking back on what you said, when you mentioned it was a cardinal sin, I felt disgusted, I don't understand why; you explained how some people felt about it. For me it is wrong though and definitely a cardinal sin as I have feelings for a Professor, and well that in itself is wrong.
I've put the pen down now, and walked over to the sink, it's become a ritual since July, if I had a feeling that I was wrong or dirty, I would pick up the blade and run it along my arm. This time was different though, I felt dirty, sick and completely wrong.
I picked the blade up and pressed it to my skin until it pierced the skin, then did I only lift it and place it somewhere else on my arm, this time I watched the blood drip from my arm into the sink, I repeated the action until I couldn't. I had finally lost faith in myself, and realised what I felt was wrong.
Once the blood had finished trickling down my arm, I placed it under the water to clean the dried blood away, casting a healing charm on my arm, the wounds close up but not completely I need to know that they are there, I then clear the desk of my parchment and the sink of the blood and leave heading back to Gryffindor tower
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Finally it was Saturday, and I was out on the Quidditch pitch with the Weasley's, it was great being up on in the air, I have no worries. "Harry!" I hear Fred shouting me and pointing to the ground.
Coming to a stop in front of the 1st year Slytherin, (I noticed the badge on his robe), "yeah?" I asked.
"Um, Professor Snape, told me to tell you he wants to see you."
"What for? It's Saturday."
"I was told to tell you, I have. I don't know what for," said the young Slytherin walking away.
Shouting up to the Weasley's telling them I have to go and see Snape, they land complaining saying it's Saturday and it was unfair.
They decided that because I was finishing up, they too would, so walking back up to the castle we spoke about our little practise we had, I leave them at the entrance hall and make my was down to the dungeons towards Snape's office, once I was outside, I became nervous however I still knocked on the door, upon hearing him said 'enter' I slowly pushing the door open, getting more nervous by the minute, I look up and see Snape sat behind his desk. "Take a seat Potter," he said without looking up at me, yet I took the seat opposite him.
"You wanted to see me professor?"
"Yes, I needed to talk to you about last night."
"Last night, sir?"
"Yes, when you left here and went to the room or requirement," he said still not looking up.
"You... you followed me?"
"Potter, how old are you?"
That's a funny question to ask, I thought, then replying out loud "17."
"Why did you go to the room of requirement?"
"I needed time to myself, why do you ask professor?" I asked slightly confused yet still nervous, why was he following me?
"Because this fell from your pocket as you left last night," said Snape looking up and holding the piece of parchment I had written on.
"Crap, um, can I have it back?" I asked knowing the answer before he even spoke to me.
"You may," said Snape, shocking me, I thought he was going to say 'no'. "However can you answer me this first, why is there some blood on this parchment?"
"I had a nose bleed professor," I lied looking straight at him.
"Liar!" Snape shouted at me.
"Why ask me a question if you know the answer? It is so frustrating that you do that," I pointed out.
"I wish for you to tell me the truth, you asked me something last night, and I gave you an answer this I find this?" he said waving the parchment, "what does it mean?"
"Well put 2 and 2 together you might get 4."
"Sarcasm does not suit you Potter."
"Fine you want to know?" Snape just gives a slight nod of his head, I exhale deeply knowing this isn't going to end good. "I'm gay," I actually feel like a weight has been lifted by saying it to someone, but why would he care?
"And the blood is here for what reason? You felt disgusted, sick, wrong, and dirty and by cutting yourself you can release these feelings?"
"Why ask questions when you know the answer, especially an answer you are going to get? And I think you know why I did this, I mean I did this because the way I am is wrong, and dirty and well damn right perverted. I shouldn't feel like this, I should like girls, I am the fucking Golden Boy, The Chosen One," I never knew that was how I really felt.
"It doesn't always work out like that Harry, and you cannot control who you fall in love with."
"But..." I was getting really frustrated with myself now.
"You know it would have been easier for you if your father was around now."
"What's that suppose to mean?" I asked looking straight at Snape.
"Harry, your father wasn't always in love with your mother. In the muggle world they have different meaning for your sexual reference, we have homosexuals, which I come under and by the looks of it you too, you have heterosexuals which your mother Lily would come under and then you have bisexuals which your father was."
"Yes I understand what all they are, but how do you know so much about my father I thought you hated him, that's why you hate me? And you said that homosexuals were repulsive, you said that to me last night," I am completely confused now. How does he know so much about my father? Why is he telling me of his sexual preference?
"I never said the I find homosexuals repulsive, who is the professor Harry?"
"I'm confused, I don't know what to do."
"Harry, who is he?"
"You."
"Me?"
"Yes, why does it matter, nothing can happen."
"Why not?"
"Well firstly, you are my professor and I am your student, secondly you hate me, thirdly you wouldn't want someone like me, I'm a freak, a waste..."
"Hey, don't you ever talk like that. Firstly you are of age, so it is legal for professor and student relationships, secondly I have never hated you, I've just hated how much like your father you are, and thirdly you are not a freak or a waste Harry your completely the opposite, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you."
"I couldn't allow you to die, I was in love with you, I am still in love with you."
"Answer me this question then please, why the blade?"
"What?" I asked not really registering the question.
"If you love me, why the blade?"
"Growing up I was taught that who I am now is wrong, I shouldn't love another man, I should marry a woman have kids, but I won't ever be like that. And it was the only way I could cope, I tried over and over in my head ways of telling you, and each one ended the same, you laughing and pointing at me calling me names, like my cousin did. Can I tell you something?"
Finally getting up from his seat and walking around to sit on his desk in front of me, he takes hold of my hand, "You can tell me anything."
"I've been self harming for 4 years now, and I don't know if I'll be able to stop without your help. I fell in love with you when we were training to defeat Voldemort, and I upped my harming then. I use to wake in a morning and I would of had a dream about you, I would take the blade 5 times across my skin to realise the 'evil' in me, by dinner time I needed to do it again, but if you are saying you will be with me and help me to come to terms that who I am is okay, and that you will love me back. I would love to give you the blade."
"More then anything would I love to be that person that you can trust wholly," Snape leaned forwards to me, I feel myself closing my eyes and closing the distance between us, suddenly I feel his soft lips against mine, and he is kissing me. All the hell I have been in is worth it to have this heaven at the end.
Slowly pulling away from me, I whisper, "heaven," looking up back up, I see the smile in his eyes, and I look down at our hands, one of his is still holding mine while the other is out stretched.
"Harry please?" was all he asked, sliding my hand into my robe pocket, I don't know why I am carrying it on me, I never use to. I pulled the blade from my pocket, and handed it to him, "please promise something?"
"Anything," I reply knowing I would, he was my heaven.
"Talk to me from now on?"
"Always, you are my heaven and I am never going back. I love you."
"I feel the same Harry," he's smiling I can tell and I've not even looked back up yet.
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A/N: okay I hope its good I'm not sorry if it's not its my story and its ended the way I wanted it. I know Severus Snape is OOC but is he really?