The Big Valley

A Way to Learn Forgiveness

By Lucky_Ladybug

Notes: The characters are not mine and the story is! I got the idea for this immediately after watching In Silent Battle, a very dark and creepy episode of the series. I've just recently started exploring Don Knight's acting roles, and I found Sergeant McQuade, his character in that episode, very interesting and three-dimensional. He certainly made some bad choices in his life, and there's no doubt he was selfish and greedy, and yet he wasn't a complete slimeball. I decided to explore him a bit. This starts after Major Eliot flips out on Audra, but before the epilogue.

Chapter One

Audra didn't know how she was ever going to get to sleep the night Major Eliot murdered his aide and tried to do the same to Audra and her mother. For a long time she stayed awake and just sat in the living room with her family, badly shaken and trying to make some sense out of what didn't make sense at all.

No matter how long they talked and how they tried to figure out the Major's horrifying behavior, it was like Greek to Audra. He had seemed so nice, so noble, until a stunned Audra had realized he had gotten the wrong idea about their relationship and turned down his proposal. Then he had become a different man, ranting about Audra being unpure like all the rest. Even before he had attacked her later that night, the shadows of evil had flickered in his eyes at that moment. It was going to haunt her for a long time.

It was only an hour or so to dawn when Audra finally felt like she could sleep. Putting on a brave smile, she bade her mother and brothers Goodnight and headed up the stairs towards her room.

She had just entered her room and started to cross to the bed with an oil lamp when a sound made her jump and turn. "Hello, Lovey," the translucent form of Sergeant McQuade greeted her as he leaned on the doorframe.

Audra could not refrain from an alarmed yet choked cry. "What are you doing here?!" she gasped.

"Well, now, I don't exactly know." McQuade pushed away from the door and walked to the opposite side of the room from Audra. "I thought I'd be burnin' in Hell about now. Maybe I've got some unfinished business." He stopped and looked to her. "Do you believe I'm really here?"

Audra shook her head. "I don't know what I believe. Maybe I'm seeing things that aren't here."

McQuade shrugged. "That's a fair question. Most people would probably say that's exactly what it is, since they think ghosts are children's fairy tales. Of course, where I came from, there's still a lot of people who are more open-minded about it."

"I didn't say I don't believe there could be ghosts," Audra said. "I've certainly wished and hoped to see people I care about who have died. But why you, Sergeant?"

"I don't know," McQuade replied. "Because I'm still here in your house? Because what happened tonight is still too fresh? Because after almost dying yourself, you're more susceptible to seeing the other side?"

Audra averted her gaze. She had to admit that sounded possible, but then again, maybe that was just because she was a girl with flights of fantasy. On the other hand, there were so many other people she would have rather encountered than Sergeant McQuade. To see him, she had to think that it was more than just a fantasy.

"Alright," she said at last. "I'm going to try to think that you're really here."

McQuade nodded. "I'd appreciate it. As long as I am here, it would be kind of monotonous to have to spend all my afterlife just trying to convince you or someone else it's real."

"Have you even talked to anyone else?" Audra asked.

"The sheriff, when he came up to look over my dead body," McQuade said. "And the undertaker, when he came to take it away. Didn't have much luck with either of them. I decided not to even bother going downstairs. I'd just wait for you or someone else to come up and try again then."

Audra sighed and turned away, walking closer to the dresser. "Do you know why Major Eliot killed you and tried to kill me?" She set the lamp down.

"Yes." McQuade started to pace the floor. "I knew about the girl he killed in Tucson; I found him just as he was finishing the branding after he strangled her. I should've turned him in then. I would have if I was any decent sort. But he was livin' pretty fancy and he panicked and offered to take me along for the ride and enjoy his rich living if I'd keep quiet. And like a greedy pig, I agreed."

Audra frowned. "But you tried to stop him from drinking last night."

"I was selfish and greedy, but I didn't want anyone else's blood on the Major's hands or on my conscience," McQuade said. "He tried to send me away from Stockton when we first arrived, but I refused because I was afraid of what might happen if I wasn't around. Yes, I tried to stop him from drinking, but it didn't do any good. I guess it was when I learned about Cora's death that I realized I'd got in over my head. I confronted the Major about it and he told me some sob story about his mother always sellin' herself to men and him watchin' when he was just a boy. That's what made him lash out at any woman he thought wasn't pure."

Now Audra's eyes flickered with sadness. "How awful!" she gasped. "But that doesn't give him the right to kill anyone in cold blood!"

"Course not. But he wasn't right in the head, I'm afraid. Growing up in that environment really did something to him that never went away. After the second murder, he assured me it wouldn't happen again and threatened me with being an accomplice or an accessory since I knew he'd done it. Well, I couldn't have that. But by then I was afraid he'd never really be different and there'd always be someone I'd have to protect from him. I knew it couldn't keep going on like that; either my sanity or his instability would completely give way before much longer."

"What about poor Jud Crowley?" Audra pounced. "Were you really going to let him suffer for something Major Eliot did?"

"I really don't know what I was going to do," McQuade admitted. "I didn't want an innocent person to get hanged, but I didn't want my own life to be over either. And before I could really decide how to handle that situation, the Major was talkin' about proposing to you even though you scarcely knew each other. I had a horrible feeling of what would happen if you turned him down, and I was sure you would since you'd only barely met.

"That night I found that he'd got into your family's liquor and I knew it was going to happen again. It only ever happened when he drank. I was sure he'd started drinking because you turned him down, so the first thing I did when I went looking for him with my gun drawn was to make sure you were alright. You were, of course, but I knew that even though you were still alive then, he'd go after you sooner or later."

"And he killed you so you couldn't stop him from killing me," Audra whispered in horror.

McQuade sighed. "He figured he was killing me so that I couldn't kill him to stop him from naming me as an accomplice. Maybe that was part of it; Heaven knows I'm a coward. But I honestly never wanted anyone else to be hurt. If he hadn't got the drop on me, yes, I would have held the gun on him and probably ended up killing him so he couldn't kill you."

"Then you can't be all bad," Audra said. "Not that I really believe anyone is."

"You're a kind lass. I can see why the Major felt you were a pure one." McQuade's shoulders slumped and he looked up at the ceiling. "I got involved in the mess when I didn't turn him in. It stayed out of control because of me. It's fitting that I ended up getting myself killed because of it." He looked back to Audra. "Maybe now that I've explained it all to you, I'm squared away and I'll be going to my eternity of fire and brimstone. Not that I'm especially eager for that to start, but there's nothing I can do to fight it. It's only just."

Audra frowned. "If you're sorry and you sincerely want to change, there should still be some hope for you. Maybe if you prayed . . ."

"I'm not lookin' for any favors or kindnesses that I don't deserve," McQuade interrupted. "Sorry doesn't fix everything, Miss Barkley. It won't bring back Cora."

Audra looked down. "No, it won't," she agreed. "But you tried to save her when you tried to keep the Major from drinking."

"Too little, too late."

Audra met his otherworldly gaze again. "There's a lot of people who probably wouldn't have even tried that much."

"Most people, even the greedy ones, wouldn't want a host of murders on their hands," McQuade answered. "That would only make it bad for them. It'd increase the chances of their meal ticket bein' caught and them goin' down with him."

That made Audra's stomach turn. "Are you trying to say that's the only reason you tried to stop him?"

"No," McQuade assured her. "But it was part of it, I'm afraid. So your thinkin' there's any hope for me is just a fantasy. I don't belong in Heaven."

"Maybe not yet," Audra agreed. "But I can't think you belong in Hell forever, either."

He gave her a sad smile. "It's a nice thought, even if there isn't any truth to it."

"I guess neither of us really knows the answer," Audra said. "But it talks in the Bible of how happy God is when someone repents."

"Repenting is about more than being sorry," said McQuade. "It also has a lot to do with being able to make up for the wrongdoing. And in a case where someone actually died because I didn't do what I should have, well, there's no makin' up for that."

Audra had to admit that seemed to be true. Still, she said, "I guess in a case like that, the only possible thing you could do would be to do whatever you could to help her loved ones."

"Ohh, Jud Crowley wouldn't want my help, I can assure you," McQuade insisted. "And what would I do? Be his guardian angel? I'm not Heaven material. I'm sure not angel material, either."

Audra sighed, defeated, yet still not wanting to give up. "Well, maybe when you leave here, you can ask someone and find out."

McQuade gave her a look that was both entertained and touched. "You're so convinced of it that you make me wonder if there's any possible glimmer of hope left for me. I guess there's no harm in asking, anyway." He stepped back.

She watched him, not sure what to make of this twisted and complicated soul yet still hoping he could somehow find redemption and peace. "No, there's no harm in asking." Then something else suddenly occurred to her and she asked, "Since you're here, why isn't Major Eliot here too?"

McQuade gave a helpless shrug. "I was kind of wonderin' that myself, but I'm just as glad he isn't. Maybe his unfinished business is somewhere else. Or maybe he doesn't have any."

"I can't believe he wouldn't have some," Audra objected.

"You're right," McQuade nodded. "And if I had to make a guess, I'd say he probably went off to find his mother, since she was at the root of all this."

"That would make sense, I guess. I hope he can find some peace too." Audra looked him in the eye. "Thank you for talking to me, Sergeant. I'm glad to know about the Major . . . and about you. Maybe this will help me to understand more what happened." She hesitated, debating with her feelings. "Of course you shouldn't have agreed to keep quiet about that first girl. But you really did try to stop any other girls from being killed. I still think that should count for something."

"Maybe. I guess we'll see." McQuade had started to fade from her sight. He nodded to her and touched the brim of his hat. "Goodbye, Miss Barkley. I'm sorry we didn't meet under better circumstances."

Audra nodded. "So am I. Goodbye, Sergeant. And . . . good luck." She smiled at him as he vanished into the night.

The room felt cold from a spirit having been present. Audra slowly extinguished the lamp she had carried upstairs and climbed into bed, a mixture of emotions swirling through her veins. Once again she doubted she would sleep. Now there was so much more to think about. Still, after a while, sleep managed to creep up on her without her even realizing . . . but not before she said a quiet prayer for Sergeant McQuade, Major Eliot, and all the other lost souls both dead and alive.