High Time High Tide: Book 1

by samjm

If Merlin and Game of Thrones were a crossover (Warning: This story has sweraing and funny drug taking please do not get mad coz it doesn't fit with the story line...it is very funny though)

Chapter 1

As Tyrion slumped into his chamber on his stunted legs, he saw fucken 3 naked men with midget dicks. They lay explicitly on his tall bed with red curtains and red, silk sheets. "Fuck off." Announced Tyrion as he opened the door while gesturing them to get the fuck out. The naked men pulled off their skins and it revealed 3 fucking monsters with big dicks. They all inserted their cocks into each others, forming a triad. A golden flash emerged from their manhoods and erupted like a volcano…but with. They were stuck together now, a see through board floating underneath their feet which made them levitate. Tyrion was fucking confused and closed the door. Luckily Hodor held the door. "Fuck off!" Tyrion demanded as Hodor spazzed out and fainted like a fucken girl. Tyrion slammed the door on his fat face and blood erupted from his nose, eyes and mouth. "Fuck me dead." Gasped Hodor as he lay to rest. Tyrion closed the door and saw the trio of men lunge at him. They used his bed as a trampoline and tackled the Imp. Tyrion fell on his back. The trio of men were still stuck together like magnets and gathered their forces to destroy Tyrion. Finally, the three men grunted and moaned as they became one. The one formed…an 8 footed man with a thick, black, hairy chest, and legs, no cock, a bald head and bare face and rapey eyes. "What the fuck?" Said Tyrion as he shuffled back and stood on his stunted legs. The 8 foot man spoke finally; "I am Coight Hoodman. I am a eunuch. Sometimes I divide into three men for my own reasons. This is my true form. I have my reasons though if you are wondering why I did this to you." Said Coight with a poofter nasal voice. "Did what to me you fucken druggo?" Asked Tyrion while raising his split, left eyebrow. "I made you a fucken gay, lord." Said he while raising his brows which showed his forehead wrinkles. His stomach jiggled as did his throat while he stepped closer to Tyrion. "I am sorry…heh heh." Said Coight while lunging at Tyrion. They made out for about ten minutes. Tyrion tried to escape, but did he enjoy it? After 15 more minutes, Coight hopped retardedly to Tyrion's bedroom window and dove out, crashing the class window. "Fuck!" Yelled Tyrion while poking his head out of the window. He saw Coight fall to his gay death. First his back broke on a lower balcony, then, he smashed his skull on a bridge and then plunged to his final death where his stomach got fucken cut open and shit on a pitchfork which stuck out of a hay bale below. "Fuck me!" Tyrion yelped as he lay back on his bed, creasing the sheets. He began to walk as he had nothing to do. He felt suicidal because…he loved Coight? He was right, he turned him gay. Tyrion grabbed his hair and fully opened his eyes in realization that he like men. He hopped off his bed and dressed in his fine breakfast clothes as it was 6:00am which is an unusual time to grab ass. He trot off to his door, noticing a rotten Hodor. Tyrion hopped to his breakfast bar where his nieces and nephews and brethren sat. "Gimme a fucken beer and bacon…burnt black, bitch!" Demanded Tyrion to a servant who was taking Cersei's plates to the kitchen sink. "You are much more cheerful than usual, brother." Whispered Jaime in his low, husky voice. Tyrion sat down while the servant, Fuggo served him. "Many thanks." Saluted Tyrion. "No problem." Stuttered the servant. "You address me as your FUCKING GRACE YOU COCK SUCKING PRICK!" Screeched Tyrion while standing up on the bench and shoving a spoon up his ass. The servant ran away while crying from the deep pain in his rectum. Cersei tilted her head to the side and studied Tyrion's sudden outbreak. "Are you fucking mental, why did you just fucking lash out on that servant?" Asked Cersei while standing up from her chair. Tyrion still stood on the chair and he turned around. with an enraged face and blood shot eyes. He lunged at Cersei and fucken slit her throat with a butter knife. "FUCK YEAH!" Yelled Tyrion while displaying his triumph. Jaime stood up and grabbed Tyrion's fucking ass and threw him across the other side of the table. He hit a chair near the kitchens and landed at Hoi, the servant girl. She stepped back and ran to the kitchen. "FUCKEN, GET THE FUCK OUT MYRCELLA, YOU TOO TOMMEN YOU FAT COCK!" Yelled Jaime now with pure fucken rage in his eyes, face and body. He pulled out his bong, filled with tiny scraps of weed at the bottom from yesterday. He reached into his pant pocket and found a silver weed crusher. He placed 12.89 grams of weed, 3 grams pot, 5.7776 grams of erasers shavings and finally 1.2 grams of blunt. He crushed the lot with his crusher and poured the powder into his bong. Tyrion gasped as he attempted to scurry away, but his legs were injured and bruised from Jaime throwing him 15 metres. Jaime inhaled the fuck out of the bong's smoke. He lit it up and he fucken got higher than Snoop Dogg. His face was red as he lifted his mouth off the long, cloudy tube. He threw his bong on the floor and walked toward Tyrion with an enraged, purple face, ripped abs and fucken muscles like you wouldn't believe. Jaime was kneeling slightly over Tyrion. Tyrion looked at him with fear. "…FIRST I WANT SOME FUCKEN ANSWERS. WHY DID YOU KILL MY SISTER?" Yelled Jaime. "Your sister…*cough* or your LOVER?" Said Tyrion with the last witty joke he probably would say in his whole life. "Dafuq?" Said Jaime as he raised a fist and punched the living shit out of Tyrion. The Imp lay down, bruised and bashed. "I-I-I killed her be-because all of you are fucking…*sob sob*…so…*sob* *cough* *splutter*…so mean to me, like GOSH!" Tyrion cried with a lisp. "You sound =fucken!" Jaime asked. "Yes, I killed her because I was angry. A man called Coight made me like this, Jaime. I was so happy because I was going fucking crazy. I CAN NEVER LOVE A WHORE AGAIN!" Sobbed Tyrion as his eyes filled with tears of anger and gayness. Jaime realised that Tyrion killed her for fucken no reason. He was even more enraged than he was before. "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK." Yelled Jaime while inserting some '450-RAGE-SERUM (warning: this serum may cause obscene blood farting, gayness and can maybe turn you into a devoted, vegan prostitute). Jaime tossed it away and grabbed Tyrion's gay little neck with his pinkie. His whole body was popping with fucken veins and shit. He ripped apart his loose shirt and pelted it at him. "TOMMEN! TURN ON THE HOSE WHEN I SAY GO!" Yelled Jaime while restraining Tyrion by choking him with his one hand. "Oh fuck, o-ok…" said Tommen fattily. Jaime grabbed the fucken hose and wrapped it around Tyrion's neck. "GO!" Yelled Jaime. Tommen fucken turned on the tap and the water started running. "FUUUCKK!" Yelled Tyrion as his head started to explode. Blood erupted from his ears, nose, mouth and his head fucken burst with fucken blood. "MUAHAHAHAHA FUCK YEAH BITCH." Triumphed Jaime. He suddenly realised that fucken Tyrion was still alive and the hose was broken. He needed another way to kill him…but it had to be ultimate. Not one of those gay punch up deaths. Jaime picked Tyrion up and set him on a barrel of oil outside of the breakfast room. Tommen ran away crying. Jaime stepped back and he saw Tyrion sitting upon the barrel, dazed and confused with a massive dent in his head and blood coming from every hole. Jaime grabbed his glock .27 and shot the fuck out of the barrel which exploded and it probably killed Tyrion. Tyrion landed after 5 minutes and broke all his bones, but he was STILL NOT DEAD. Jaime was filling with rage from the hit of drugs and serum he had induced. He injected himself with another dose and his fucking veins grew bigger. He launched into the air and stepped over Tyrion. Tyrion was still breathing, but barely. He grabbed Tyrion's head of shaggy hair and swung him around and let go. He was propelled into the air and he soared like a fucken bird, but gay. Jaime yelled and used his ultimate power by shouting "HADOOOOOOUKEN!" and launched into the air. Tyrion was still flying up when Jaime grabbed him. He started to punch the fucking fuck out of his short ass face. Blood kept splashing into Jaime's face but he felt no fucken remorse. His veins grew blacker and burst open with blood. "FUCK YEAH!" Announced Jaime. Jaime finally drove his elbow into Tyrion's back which crunched hard. He began to descend to Earth as well as Jaime. Jaime went full on mission impossible and used his hidden wingsuit to fly down to Earth. He reached the surface of Casterly Rock faster than Tyrion so he had time to decide a final blow. He grabbed his Springfield 160 out of his cummy pants and focused on the target with 360 noscoping skills. He was so cool that he had to turn away and shoot Tyrion. He shot him and an explosion went off which made him look like a massive beast. He reached an alive Tyrion. He was so pissed that he just kicked the living fuck out of Tyrion with no remorse. He truly didn't give a downright fuck about him as he kicked his balls apart and his cock began to blacken. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Jaime whooped while backflipping a million times. His face was fucking red, bruised, sweaty and full of broken veins and red fucken eyes. He finally went back to normal after the drugs and shit. He felt the need to give Tyrion a proper burial…by launching him from a catapult. He put some fireworks into the catapult and set it off across the Narrow Sea. The fireworks were finally displayed as a short, mother fucker figure disappeared through the mist. The fireworks said; "Fuck you Tyrion." Jaime whooped once more as he had had an ultimate fucken battle and "fuck-yeah'd" a few times. Jaime finally committed suicide from the tallest building in Westeros and fucken died like shit.

"Urrr…*gurgle*...fuck."Jaime breathed his final words and lay to rest. Jaime was bruised on his frontal torso. It was black and purple and green and bursting with thick, red blood. It gushed out of his useless carcass like tap water. Because he committed suicide off the tallest building in Casterly Rock and Westeros, he had landed near the peasants and stables at the very bottom of the Kingdom. A fat boy of 14 years who was carrying a huge bucket of water stacked it on Jaime's dead carcass. The boy wore a shirt made from cotton as well as his long trousers. He had a bowl haircut and was sweaty due to the long day of work as it was 5:30 pm. "Fuck me, are you fucking alive?" The fat boy asked as he examined and kicked Jaime's rotting, bloody carcass. "Fucking bitch prick, Jaime Lannister! You fucken ruined my life by making me a Stable Boy you dick shit!" Yelled the fat boy as he pegged the bucket at Jaime's head 1 million times. His head finally exploded and his brain erupted and skull. His blood sprayed in the fat pricks face. He opened his fat mouth hinges and drank the metal tasting, red, rotting shit. "WOOOOOOOOOOOH!" Screamed the fat boy as he jumped up and down victoriously. "I HAVE KILLED THE ONCE GREAT KINGSLAYER, JAIME LANNIS-COCK!" Screamed the fat boy out loud for all to hear. All the farmers, stable boys and blacksmiths were standing outside looking at him. They thought he was a fuck wit fat ass who was telling lies. "You didn't kill Jaime Lannister, he committed suicide you fat prick!" Said an old crone who emerged from a hay bale. "HOZAH HE IS DEAD!" Proclaimed a peasant with shit rubbed on his face and a stained white shirt with lace at the collar and long, baggy southern necessities. "Fuck yeah! He is dead!" Yelled a few other men and women. The fat boy cried in shame as everyone cursed at him viciously. They called him a 'prick,' 'fuck face' and 'weakling' which hurt his emotions deeply which were filled with some McDonald's™ he just ate. "What is your name, fat prick?" Asked one of the people from the crowd swarming around him like piranhas. They held pitchforks and glocks towards his head, accusing him of lying about killing Jaime Lannister and being a fucking coward.

"My name is Lief Lakis...I am a foreigner." Winced Lief as he caressed his massive stomach. "You will burn, fat boy...you have no friends or family or even a life! You are so shit." Said one tall man behind the crowd. You could still see his head from all the pitchforks aimed high and fires burning on people's wooden swords. The man stepped forward and shoved through the crowd. "Come here, boy!" Demanded the 6 footed man of 37 years. He wore a long, brown cloak which was tied at the waist with fabric, he had thick stubble on his chin and under his nose and shaggy, curly hair. Lief refused by running away. He grabbed his bucket which was splashed with blood and ran towards the entry gates. As he ran past Jaime Lannister's fucked up face, he saw the pain in his eyes. He almost felt sorry for him. He did commit suicide but at what cost? Was he depressed or already in agony and at the brink of death? Lief suddenly saw the prick's eyes blink. He stopped in his tracks and stared at the bloody streaks in his fatigued eyes. "Urrrr…*sputter* *gurgle*...end me...please...end my agony…" Gurgled Jaime as blood gushed out of every hole. Lief didn't know what to do. Either escape from the man or kill a man. He kicked Jaime's neck and his head separated from his body. He lay on his broken spine...dead. The man chasing him, Lek Bruns grabbed his chubby arm and slapped his red, sweaty face. Lief turned around to face Lek, slowly. His eyes were fucken red with rage. "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TOUCH ME YOU DICK." Lief slapped Lek's hand and broke it with one little snap with only his pinkie. "FUCK! YOU DIPSHIT...YOU JUST BROKE MY HAND!" Screamed Lek in pain. He fell to the ground and cried like a baby until Lief silenced him...eternally by kicking the absolute, living fuck out of him. Lief whooped and jumped up and down victoriously, once again his stomach chub flapping around like a true fat fuck. "Anyone who wants to end up like him, step up and fight me." Exclaimed Lief for the entire mob to hear, cupping his left hand around his mouth and the other pointing at Lek's fucked up carcass. Everyone stepped back as they focused on his red, enraged face and eyes. Lief felt so empowered by his rage. He thought he had power until Brienne of Tarth appeared behind him. Lief saw her 7 foot shadow and shat his pants. Brienne clenched a fist and pummeled his head so hard that his weight and Brienne's force cracked the ground. Brienne almost felt sorry for him but actually didn't give a downright fuck. She picked his unconscious body up with her pinkie and twisted his fucken, red neck around.

"We are saved!" The peasants all announced in synchronicity. Brienne leaped at the crowd to crowd surf but she was too tall so she broke everyone's arms. "FUCK!" They all said as their arms snapped. Unluckily, Brienne cracked her skull during the fall and blood started to gush out of the cut. Master Batter , a 67 year old man who wore a black robe tied at the waist with rope and a brown, monk's haircut and no shoes crashed from a window on the lower level of Casterly Rock's kingdom and did a sick forward roll. He ran at god-like speeds towards the dying Brienne. Without a single word, he quickly stitched her bowl haired cut head and ran back to the castle like a retard once more, crashing through another window. "What the fuck was that?" Brienne said, fucking pissed off. She hadn't seen this Maester before so she was fucking confused that he was acting retardedly. "I will find that faggat." Brienne proclaimed as she stood up from the muddy surface which she lay on. She sped to the castle at 200 km and saw Joffrey, the fag king get pegged with some shit. "Find me who did that and bring him to me!" Squealed Joff like a poofter until he drowned in the shit and faggatly almost drowned. The Hound carried his faint, skinny body to a maester. "Now that's how I want to die unlike Tyrion Lannister who wants a girls mouth around his cock and a belly full of wine and food!" Laughed Shagga, the savage who watched Joff get dead. Brienne made it to the broken windows in which Maester Batter jumped in. She walked through the door, and the door exploded. "Thanks Abu Muhammad Ibn L'Ahad Salim!" She said to her terrorist friend that planted some C4 at the door for her. He then committed suicide accidentally as he meant to pull the parachute handle to return to the Neo-Nazis. "Oh well." Sighed Brienne as she entered. Maester Batter lunged at her and grabbed her pussy like Donald Trump. He molested her while masturbating. "HOIYAH! MORE! GIMME MORE!" Yelped Maester Batter. Brienne pulled away and throttled his penis. She pulled it off with two fingers and shoved her dagger up his dick hole. Maester Batter was still alive though. He 360 noscoped her face by shooting the living fuck out of it with his Winchester Model .70. Her face wasn't bloody or shot or anything. "Dafuq?" Asked Brienne. "Oh shit...my plans! A FAILURE!" Yelled Maester Batter while falling to his weak knees. "What the hell do you mean, faggat?" Said Brienne while kicking his ugly head. "I planned to poison you with my Remington XP-100!" Wept Maester Batter. "So why did you stitch my wound?"! Brienne demanded. "Because I have ADHD, I didn't want to fix your fat head. The voices told me…" Said Maester Batter. "What voices?" Asked Brienne, leaning closer to him. "I am schizophrenic...I have 3 alter egos. The doctor, the rapist and the creepy guy." Spat Maester Batter. The Maester suddenly yelled; "THIS IS FOR ALLAH!" and shot his throat with his glock .27 he grabbed from inside his anus. "Fuck me dead." Said Brienne. She spazzed out so hard from the shock. As much as when Renly Baratheon died. She wanted fucken answers so she made a tourney to King's Landing to ask Cersei and Tyrion what was going on. As Brienne walked out of the castle, a dead Maester Batter rotting with a bullet in his cock snot brain, she asked the townspeople to join her in the tourney. "Cersei and Tyrion Lannister are fucking dead!" Said a whore at the back of the crowd. "Oh…" Brienne said plainly. Since she had nothing to do she walked to King's landing to kill the shit King Joffrey.

Chapter 2

It was 2 weeks past Joffrey's name day and an hour past the shit got pegged at him. He got gifts and shit but he wondered I have never had sexual intercourse. Joffrey spazzed out and wrecked his chambers. He grabbed his phone and called Littlefinger. "Wassup my man?" Said Joffrey, trying to act black. "What do you want, your fucking grace." Asked Littlefinger who was being fingered at the time. "Buy me a whore NOW!" Joffrey spazzed. Littlefinger grunted in agreement and airdropped him a whore. "FUCK YEAH!" Exclaimed Joff as he threw his iPhone 69 in the bin. "Fetch me another phone, dog." Demanded Joff. The Hound nodded and went to the Apple store. Joff turned back to the whore, she was shit scared of him. He bit his cummy lips and took off his crown. He grabbed his crossbow and did some 360 no scope tricks. The whore wasn't impressed. He stripped off his clothes and showed her his most pure form. "By the way, my name is Lina." Spoke the whore. "Oh." Said Joff who was dancing around, his manhood wiggling. "So...where is it?" Asked Lina. "What!" Joff yelled in a sudden spaz attack. "Your cock and testicles. Obviously." Said Lina trying to look for it. "So? They are tiny...is that a fucken problem?" Joffrey demanded, pointing his crossbow at her. Lina shrugged, not intimidated by his manliness. "Are you…a fucken gay?" She asked. Joffrey shook his head in disbelief. His old man looking mouth spat nasty, terrible, offensive comments at her like; bum bum head. He wanted to prove he wasn't a fag once and for all.

5 hours later, Joff and Lina had gotten along. Lina found some smack in her tits which she injected into her pussy hole. Joff crushed 500 grams of big O and inhaled the living fuck out of it. "Let's fuck some shit up...WOOH!" Joff whooped, extremely high now. Lina agreed and they ran out of the Red Keep. They ran through the markets, pushing old, disabled ladies over and stealing their walking sticks, they used a baby as a soccer ball for a few hours. It was bruised and bloody after a while, they wondered why. They also did some fully sick parkour and jumped off buildings. They broke their bones but the whippets boosted their tolerance for the pain and they regenerated. "FUCK YEAH!" Exclaimed Joff as they stood over the roof of a 20 foot high chapel. Their eyes were bloodshot and red and they could hardly see where they were going. Joff and Lina finally had fucking sex. Joff was a virgin so he didn't know any moves. Lina got an orgasm and fucked him hard. Joff was so scared of her deep orifices. His mini sausage couldn't insert into her bun. Lina stopped, now exhausted. Joff and Lina gazed at each other...for about 10 minutes without blinking. They were in love, even though he couldn't have sex. Either that or they were tripping balls. "Woah...so many colours...do you see that?" Lina said. "What? I can't speak Russian, could you speak English Lina?" Said Joff also tripping out.

Joffrey woke up in a small room filled with dirty people. He had a binding around his mouth and a loin cloth to cover his yucky manhood. "FUCK, WHERE AM I?" Yelled Joffrey. "Dog? Lina? Anyone?" Yelled Joff once more. No one but him and dead, dirty boys who were beside him, all crowded and cramped. This must have been a morgue His hair was cummy and dirty. Joffrey started to weep as he had no family or anything...he had nothing to live for but his reign. He was high, drunk and shitty so he attempted suicide by smashing his skull on the hard concrete he lay on. It was stinky and dirty as it was a bed and also the toilet these boys may have used. Joff stayed strong though. He saw a door which was locked. He smashed through and exited the room. Finally thought Joff. He realised he still had handcuffs now so he couldn't perform his awesome Jiu-Jitsu skills. He spat and the dirty cloth around his mouth disintegrated. He saw a whole building in front of him. There was a left and right hallway which led to the town. He didn't know what would happen if he took one. Maybe a trap or guard waiting for him. He would take one, but he needed to break the handcuffs. He grabbed a dead, naked boy and put his hands around his head, facing him. Off drove his knee to the limp carcass and the handcuffs broke."WOOH! YOU SHALL NEVER BEAT MY MAD SKILLS!" Joff proclaimed. He then saw a key…Joffrey went outside and into the hallway once again He turned right and got crushed by a falling chandelier. "Shit!" Screamed Joffrey as his leg was cut open by the dangling diamonds. Joffrey couldn't even lift so he rolled over and escaped the heaviness of the 40 kg chandelier. He realised that his left leg was crushed, his bone stuck out only showing 5% of the white of the bone and the rest, blood. Joff cried like a fucking baby as he saw the open wound. Since he couldn't walk and there weren't any maesters around, he needed to fix himself. First he ripped of a strip of his shirt to bind the wound afterwards. He saw a stick which was useful to bite on to withhold the pain. He started to push the bone back in. "OW!" He yelled in agony. "Fucken fuck me dead!" He screamed while the bone went fully in. He bound the wound and stood up, feeling like a man. He walked out of the hallway and saw many townspeople and peasants working. "Here you go." Said a bearded man who wore nothing. He was completely naked. Joffrey gelt a strange enlargement in his pants, he had an erection in his pants. Fuck...am I gay? Thought Joff as he tried to push it refused to believe he was gay so he ignored his hardness and kept walking to the Red Keep for answers. Actually, I should get some answers from that whore, Lina. Thought Joffrey as he spun around in the opposite direction. He wondered why he was in that abandoned room in the first place. Off climbed a steep flight of stairs and climbed a few balconies and grooves to get to his bed chambers. It was a mess. The wind had blown all of his books, sheets and papers away. Some flew out of the open window where he and Lina first climbed out. Joffrey scanned the room to look for clues because she might have returned here after she drugged him or whatever. He used his detective senses to examine evidence in the room and found…a note stabbed with a dagger that said "Lina" on it. "GET IN!" Triumphed Joffrey as he skipped toward the note. As he grasped it, it flew away and out of his window. "Shit" said he as he leaped out of the window. Luckily a roof from a building neighbouring his room saved his fall. He broke his shoulder and his face was bloody and full of cow shit for a reason. Maybe it was the shit thrown at him the other day. His leg was swelling as he remembered he had broken it from before. Joffrey chased the note, leaping from place to place and finally caught it but he fell. He hit his manhood onto a gate. "Aww dayum." A slave said while looking at Joffrey's gay shit fall of death…or was it?

Joff awoke in a pig pen. His whole body was fucked. His bones were shattered which disabled him to move. "Oh shit!" Joffrey screamed as he attempted to get up. The note was still in his hand luckily so he read it. It read: "Dear Joffrey, I'm sorry I drugged you. I needed to. If you want to find me I will be in the place where you awoke. If you got this letter an hour or more after you escaped that place I am probably dead. Please send me help because I am being held captive also. From Lina." Joffrey checked his brand new Rolex and saw that it had been 59 minutes after he escaped. "FUCKEN FUCK!" He yelled. "Shut the fuck up you half-witted blonde headed bastard!" Yelled a farmer who walked past. Joffrey suddenly found a hardness in his pants. It wasn't his cock. It was a serum that read: "Use in case of breaking your back from trying to grab a letter." Joffrey thought it was very specific to his injury and kind off suspicious so…he drank it. It fixed his back and shit and he was on his way.

A minute or so later, he found Lina…she was dead. Shit, thought Joffrey. "Urrrr…*cough* behind…you…Jo-…" Lina gasped in her last breath. Joffrey smelt horse shit, sweat and cocaine behind him. A shadow cast behind him holding a longsword. The shadow struck him but Joffrey dodged. It was Brienne of Tarth. "I told you I would get you…" Brienne yelled while striking and missing once again. Joff did a massive, fully sick forward roll and hectic parkour and stepped on a barrel and leaped off and kicked Brienne's lesbian face. "WOOH!" Triumphed Joffrey while tensing. His veins popped out. Brienne struck his right arm and it was sliced apart. It was detached from his body. All that remained of his arm was his elbow and up. "Fuck you, you ugly prick!" Brienne shouted, striking again. The second strike made Joffrey shriek and shiver. Joffrey's abdomen was sliced in half. Joffrey fell to the floor, a puddle of blood trailing and spreading after him. He reached out with his left arm towards Lina who sat lifeless on the floor looked at him with black eyes. He himself started to accept his defeat. "Fucken dickhead cock prick asshole." Said an enraged Brienne who was kicking him repeatedly. Brienne ran off while Joff's vision went to a blur. His abdomen was sliced and his skin fell apart and turned crimson. He saw his ribs which were also covered in blood and horse shit from Brienne's dirty hair. Joffrey shut his crusty eyes slowly and died like shit. But no…he couldn't die now. He needed some fucken answers. He felt in his pocket for something…anything. He found some magic mushrooms and ate those. It healed the pain and he was up. 2 litres of blood gushed out during that whole entire 50 seconds. He needed to fix this asshole of a wound. He ripped apart his sash and wrapped it around his abdomen to soak up the blood. The mushrooms had lost their kick so he needed something else….perhaps the LSD he bought last week would help so he inhaled the drugs from his bong. "WOOH FUCK YEAH BITCH!" Yelled a spaced out Joffrey. He started to see spiders on his stomach and Michael Jackson raping his ass. "No…no I thought you were dead." Joffrey whispered like a gay shit. "A-hee-hee!" Michael Jackson said. Joffrey shoved him off and sucked him off and he disappeared. Thank Allah. Joffrey panted, relieved as he had Blackorwhitephobia and PTSD from that time he got raped by a black Michael Jackson. Joffrey sprinted in the way that Brienne was running. He climbed some buildings and assassinated some people 'cause why not? He finally reached Brienne, but he was on the roof of a barn. He jumped off it and aimed to land for Brienne. He fucking failed and broke his left leg. So now, his left leg and right arm were completely fucked up but he still ran toward her even though she had almost reached her ship; "The Sucker." He tackled her to the ground and mounted her. "Why the fuck did you just attack me, bitch ass!" Joffrey asked her while restraining her on the ground. "BECAUSE I WAS BORED!" Brienne answered while squirming. Joffrey spazzed and was triggered as fuck. He opened his hidden blade and fucken killed her in the throat again and again and again. He stabbed her in every place and hole out of pure rage…and also because he was still high on LSD and thought she was Michael Jackson. Joffrey started to pant heavily as he was exhausted from the killing. Brienne's dead carcass had stab wounds and blood coming out of her. Joffrey stood up and walked back to the castle. But he still needed some answers about why someone killed Lina. As he walked back to Lina's dead body, he saw a man run in the room. Joffrey stopped him and grabbed his skinny neck. "What are you doing, old man." Said Joffrey with ultimate muscles and veins. "Fuck…uh…you aren't supposed to be here." Stuttered the old fuck face. "I want some ANSWERS! WHO KILLED LINA AND FUCKEN WHY!" Screamed Joffrey with a voice crack. "I-I-I know who killed her…they have been killing random people recently. I think they have been killing threats to the Iron Throne. First it was Tyrion, driven to suicide, then Jaime, also driven to suicide and Cersei who was murdered by Tyrion and then Tommen and Myrcella who went missing. I promise…it wasn't me who killed them." The man informed Joffrey. Joff was furious that his eyes went red. He started to punch the old man's head and blood started gushing out of his long, pointy nose. "Who is this fucken cock?" Asked Joffrey. "His name…*cough* is-…" The man closed his eyes and died. Fuck balls. Thought Joffrey as he dropped the man's lifeless body. Joffrey still had so many questions. How could this assassin possess people into killing their families? And, Who is he? Joffrey planned to gather some men and interrogate any spies that conspired to the murders. Joffrey through a can of oil and ignited it. It burned the man's body and exploded as Joffrey walked away from it, really cool-ly. I will find who did this and bring him to me!

Chapter 3

"…FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK- *beep* hello…who is this?" Asked Stannis as he picked up his ringing phone. Stannis was very proud of his ringtone. He was finely dressed…in his birthday suit. "Hey it's Joffrey…can you help me with this fully sick, no scope mission?" Asked Joffrey in a baby voice. "Fuck yeah…I'm so bored right now." Stannis responded while jumping around and wanking to pornographic pawns. Wet, skin on skin could be heard as Stannis was grunting and humping onto something. It was that red head woman, Melisandre that mothered his bastard. She grunted as she was bent over hardly. Her red, silk cloaks were wrinkled from his rough humping and ass grabbing. "Ok where do you wanna meet?" Asked Stannis with a muffled voice. "Uhh…at King's Landing of course…" Joffrey boasted pretending he knew what the actual fuck his plan was. "Alright…see ya." Said Stannis hanging up the phone. He chucked his phone onto his dressing table. He continued humping and Melisandre gave birth to a shadow thing. "FUCK!?" Stannis questioned. It was killed. Melisandre was shocked so much that she cummed accidentally. Her ass was heavily humped. Stannis' wife walked into the bedroom where they were having sex. "You monster! How could you fuck her you sick fuck?" Wailed the fat woman. "Um…hey…uhh…did you get a haircut?" Stannis asked, still deep inside Melisandre, the slut fuck. "HOIYAH *grunt* GIVE IT TO ME MORE BABY!" Exclaimed Melisandre as his big dick went further inside her asshole. She queefed hard and poo came out. Oh shat I shat myself. Thought Melisandre as she shat herself more. "ERMAHGURD…I CAN'T LOOK AT THIS!" The fat wife of Stannis' whined. She regurgitated her food and left the room. "BLUUUURGGH!" Could be heard as the handmaiden's attended to Stannis' fat slut, lesbian wife. The pair kept fucking until Stannis' long, brown, sticky stick…he picked off a tree, poked her. "OUCH…HURT ME MORE!" Melisandre exclaimed once more with lust. She made so many sounds that made Stannis more and more horny. So horny in fact, his lengthy cock went through her body and reached her mouth…from her ass. "What in the actual fuck?" Stannis said, shocked by the length of his massive manhood. Melisandre died because the cum reached her blood system and diluted it into orange blood. His dick came out of her ass when she dropped lifeless to the floor. It went back to its original size, 1 inch. There is one thing I need to do…go find Joffrey at King's Landing.

It was Merlin's first day as Arthur's squire or servant. He didn't give a shit. Merlin walked out of his bedroom, dressed in a blue scarf, red jumper and blue shirt and brown, baggy trousers. He drove his shoulder into Gaius's brain. Gaius fucken fell. "Ow…what the fuck Merlin?" Complained Gaius as he dropped 1 test tube full of cloudy, white liquids. "Sorry." Merlin said, apologetic. But instead of helping Gaius up, Merlin stepped on his face and Gaius died from his brain being crushed. "MERLIN! YOU BETTER GET OVER HERE OR I WILL FUCK YOU UP!" Yelled Arthur, very manly. He stood at the door of his bed chambers, naked from the waist down. Merlin's once erect penis became hard. Arthur looked at his cock and opened his eyes. He looked back up to Merlin. "What is that…are you fucken gay?" Arthur accused. Merlin became sweaty. His eyes turned spastically orange. His dick became soft again like normal. Arthur took a double take and realised that he must have been mistaken. "Oh…I thought your dick was horny for a second." Arthur realised as he rubbed his eyes and mussed up his hair. "Alright, clean my armour and room and…yeah, OH…also muck out the horses will you." Arthur demanded. Arthur smirked at him, enjoying the feeling of being a leader. Merlin sarcastically smiled back. Arthur walked out of the room, still half naked, his dick wiggling. "Arthur…uhh…" Merlin interrupted. "WHAT?!" Arthur complained like a big girl after spinning around to face him. "Y-your…" Merlin pointed to his 6 inch "oh…well you should have told me sooner you dumb fuck!" Arthur yelled in his face clearly annoyed…probably. "YOU KNOW WHAT…" Merlin started "I AM SICK OF YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO…FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!" Merlin was so aggravated that he swung his arms around and they spazzed out as he had a spa attack. Arthur stopped tying up his belt on his pants to watch a retarded Merlin bash his head again and again on his dressing table and then bed head. "But you've only been my servant for one fucken minute." Arthur insisted as he tried to grab Merlin's spaz body. Arthur finally restrained Merlin and he stopped shaking retardedly. "Merlin! Stop! Get the fuck out now!" Arthur demanded with his pants slowly falling off his legs. Arthur directed Merlin out of the door and slammed it in front of Merlin's crying face. Since there was nothing for him to do and no one liked him, he just walked back to his chambers to call someone. As he opened the entrance door, he saw that Gaius was alive and experimenting with drugs and chemicals and inhaling them. Merlin ignored him and went to his bedroom. as he checked his cellular, he saw that his favourite Asian porn star, Fook Miass had posted a new video called; "Dragon Porn: Volume 37: The Last Titty Pecker. Merlin jumped onto his tummy, stinky old bed and walked to the dragon and Took fucking each other orally. Merlin got a huge, brown boner but hid it in his brown trousers to hide the white overflow. "Merlin…can you clean the shelves, it smells like someone died." Gaius yelled, bursting open his door with his wicker strength. "Hey what are you watching…*gasp* Fook Miass! OMG!" Gaius screamed like a girl. He loved Fook as well and had watched all 36 volumes. Merlin walked out of his room while Gaius watched the porn. Luckily Merlin snatched just in time and knocked out Gaius. He had one thing to do. 1800 069 420. Merlin dialled on his phone. "Sup, it's Joffrey." Joffrey answered. "Hey, I heard of your mission. Can I join?" Asked Merlin. "Anything for my favourite warlock." Joffrey said, being nice for once in his goddamned, bastardised life. "Ow…Merlin…what happened…how long was I out?" Asked Gaius, limping out of Merlin's chambers. Merlin had enough of Gaius' life so he pegged his heavy, brick of a phone at Gaius' balls. Gaius' erection blocked it. Merlin and Gaius would have a battle…for no good reason. "Merlin…what are you doing. I am your friend and you can't go on that ." Warned Gaius as Merlin circled him. "I don't care! No one respects me. EVERYONE BOSSES ME AROUND! FUCK MY LIFE!" Moaned Merlin. Gaius started to ready his Matrix skills and Merlin gathered his magical magic. His eyes went spastic orange and he aimed a spell of fire at him. Gaius did some front flips over the blast of fire and ninja kicked Merlin's face. Merlin turned away from the strike and punched Gaius. Gaius deflected and twisted his arm and kicked his balls. Gaius started to punch him fast. Blood splashed from Merlin's nose and orifices. Finally Gaius uppercut his chin and Merlin was launched into the test tube racks. they all broke as they landed on the floor boards. Gaius sprinted towards Merlin with a raised fist to kill him. Merlin dodged the attack and stepped behind Gaius as his fist was stuck in the broken glass shards on the shelves he landed in. Merlin started to punch his old back and he elbowed his fat neck. Gaius moaned in pain. Merlin threw one arm around Gaius' throat and one on his forehead attempted to break his neck. Gaius swayed side to side and threw Merlin off his body. The shards stuck in Gaius' hands lost him large amounts of blood. He was at his weakest point but decided to use them as a weapon. He stabbed Merlin's arms and pinned him to a wall. The shards pierced through his arms the whole way through. "ARGGGH!" Merlin grunted as he was stuck to the wall. Gaius roundhouse his face and judo kicked his abdomen. Gaius did some two finger stabs at Merlin's body which weakened his muscles. Finally Gaius gestured his hands in a karate pose to finish Merlin off. Gaius stepped back and ran up to Merlin. Gaius stepped on his chest and drove his foot up to his chin. gains flipped back and landed. Merlin was finished…Suddenly Merlin opened his eyes and killed him with his ultimate time stopper magic. Merlin removed the shards from inside his arms with levitation and stood up to a frozen Gaius. Merlin decided to give Gaius and ultimate death…by attaching a bungie cord to his neck from the tallest building in Camelot. He started time again and the cord dropped as fast as a Usain Bolt can run. Gaius' head fell clean off but it wasn't over. Merlin stabbed Gaius 1 million times and felt satisfied. Now, Merlin was an outlaw. He stitched a hood to his normal clothes and stole a horse to set on to Westeros.

Chapter 4

"Alright everyone. This meeting is adjourned." Announced King Joffrey. Littlefinger, Varys and all the other people that no one knows the name of left the council meeting. Joffrey remained in the room, sitting on his chair. "Come in now." Whispered Joffrey. Two men walked in. Both hooded and their faces, nothing but shadow. "Sit. Drink." Asked Joffrey as he smirked at them and moved around in his chair to get comfortable. "So, do you both pledge your allegiance to the King and follow his command at every second of your lives?" Joffrey said while leaning forward at the men to his left and right. "We do." They said in synchronicity. "And you do know what your duty is with or without me and my command." Joffrey said once more, pouring the contents of the flagon in his chalice. "We do." Responded the men. "Then, you shall be my knights in my secret mission to bring this murderer who killed my family and others to fucking justice." Joffrey said "SEVEN HELLS!" He yelled. "Seven hells." The men repeated. "Ser Merlin…you shall stand beside me during battle and Stannis you shall do so too…do you accept?" Joffrey asked. The men removed their hoods and agreed. "So that settles it. This alliance shall be called…High Tide." Joffrey said as he stood with the men. "We start with the mission at dawn. Dismissed." Demanded Joffrey. Merlin and Stannis exited the room. Joffrey tapped his fingers on the table and flipped it over with ultimate rage. I will find that beetroots who killed my family.

"So, Merlin…do you know how to fight. It will come in handy when we hunt down the spies and shit." Taunted Stannis in the courtyard. The pair were surrounded by various, sweaty men in steel helms, tunics and tight pants and boots made of leather. "I don't need a sword." Merlin responded, pissed off by Stannis' condescending tone. "Oh…ok then. Haha." Snorted Stannis, gathering other men in the courtyard to laugh at Merlin. "Fight me then if you are so skilled at fighting that you don't need a sword." Stannis suggested. "Accepted." Said Merlin as he stood back and got into position. Stannis unsheathed his longsword from his scabbard. His infamous new sword that he bought yesterday was named; "Pigfucker." It was named after his uncle. The metal screeched as it exited the sheath. The metal shun in Merlin's eyes. He won't know what hit him, the fuck. Thought Merlin as he focused on Stannis' stance. His weakest point was his left leg as it was furthest away from his grasp of his longsword. Stannis stepped forward and struck Merlin but he dodged. "So, how are you going to hit me with no sword. Are you just going to dodge my ultimate attacks?" Stannis bragged. "I'll do better than that. I'll beat you without a single strike, bitch!" Merlin taunted while stepping back. Stannis stood still and looked at him with anger in his eyes. Stannis swung his sword again, the speed of it making a thwacking sound. it missed Merlin again and got stuck in the thick gravel. Merlin's eyes went orange and he levitated Stannis' sword and it flew out of the courtyard. "Fuck…my sword!" Stannis complained. "We're just going to have to settle this in hand to hand combat them." Merlin proposed while circling a scared shitless Stannis. "You fucking slut!" Stannis yelled while running up to him. Merlin pushed his hands towards Stannis and he stopped. His powerful magic was so strong that Merlin flung him across the Red Keep. Merlin ran up to an injured Stannis who lay gayly on the floor. "Fuck…you have magic?" Stannis asked while spitting blood. "Yes so don't mess with me…or I'll kill you." Merlin warned Stannis. "IF ANY OF YOU WANT TO DIE STEP FORWARD!" Merlin yelled to the other men who mocked him earlier. They all stepped back in fear and continued practicing in the courtyard. Merlin walked off and practiced his magic elsewhere. Stannis was very intimidated by Merlin…and he wanted to change that. But couldn't.

Chapter 5

"On my signal…go!" Announced Joffrey as he, Merlin and Stannis ambushed a spy den. Merlin broke two spies' legs and killed them while Stannis stabbed three guards heads in one blow. Joffrey big booted a guard and stepped on his big head. "OK, that was good." Joffrey said. Merlin and Stannis glared at each other in pure hate for each other. "Listen, you will need to learn to get along OK?" Joffrey demanded. "FUCK YOU!" Stannis yelled toward Merlin for no particular reason. "I told you not to mess with me you prick." Merlin said in a low, grim, throaty voice. "FUCKEN SHIT PRICK! One spy got away." Joffrey pointed at the hooded figure who sprinted away from the dead bodies. Merlin tried to levitate the escaping spy back to him but he was out of range. "Ha…you can't do shit!" Stannis mocked, pointing at Merlin. Joffrey was cross with both of them. "After him!" Ordered Joffrey. The pair sprinted swiftly toward the rooftop with no fucking remorse. The spy used a grappling hook to swing to each high building. Woah. Thought Stannis as he climbed a house. "I've had enough of this…DRAGON ISE COM SA KESUMAS!" He announced. An ultimate CGI dragon flew in and collected the pair. They flew at godspeed towards the dipshit spy. Merlin finally got close to the spy and new how to kill them. He found a plastic bag in his pocket and launched toward the spy. He landed on the spy and suffocated him. "FUUUCCCCCKKK YOOOOUUUUU PRRRIIICCCCKK!" Merlin yelled with ultimate veins and rage. He suddenly realised…it was a woman. Stannis chopped off her fat tits and ass and she died. "It's done…" Stannis said with a brooding tone. The pair returned to Joffrey…he was dead. An old woman was looking at his dead, useless, dummy carcass. Merlin exploded her wrinkly, ass smelling face. "NOOOOO!" Stannis cried "MY NIECE…err…NEPHEW!" Stannis went limp and started to cry like a fat baby. "*Huff* *huff* THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT MERLIN!" Stannis lashed out spanking Merlin's ass. "Fuck you, prick. It was your fault!" Merlin argued while rubbing his red cheeks. "You…you little-" Stannis started to strangle Merlin. "Ughh *cough* On…sama…yarist." Muttered Merlin who gasped for as much oxygen as he could. The spell propelled Stannis into the air. Merlin punched his gut as he descended. Stannis lay on the concrete street…dead? Merlin kneeled to examine his body and especially his closed eyes. Suddenly, Stannis opened them and stabbed Merlin's stomach with a sword. "ARGGGGHHHH!" Yelped Merl as he stumbled to the floor. "And here I was thinking you were truly the greatest and strongest warlock who ever walked the Earth." Stannis mocked while shoving the valyrian steel sword deeper into his abdomen. Merlin slowly started to die. "That is where you are wrong…this sword cannot kill me!" Merlin pulled Stannis' sword deeper into his abdomen to show that he wasn't dying. "MUAHAHAHA!" Merlin cackled as his body healed itself. "I…I am the one who killed Tyrion and made him kill his family and Jaime to commit suicide…Joffrey was a mere tick on my list and you…you were as easy as…PIE!" Merlin guffawed, showing off his ultimate wrath. Merlin spanked Stannis back and pushed him onto the ground and he was satisfied. "RAHHHHHHHH ISEK U MES O NAH TO MAS!" Merlin announced. An entity of magic formed into his cupped fists. He threw it at Stannis and it exploded like Kim Jon Un's nuclear weapons (which was also in the magic).Stannis' limbs were separated and his body lay on the floor. "ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH FUCK MY LIMBS YOU FUCK WIT!" Stannis cried, tearing up in agonising pain. Merlin kicked the fuck out of the wounds and didn't gove a downright fuck that he broke Stannis' dick. "I AM THE LAST DRAGON LORD and so on…I killed Joffrey with my ultimate spastic eyes…Daenerys is fucken shit so I will steal her dragons and teach them how to properly fight and kill every threat to the throne until I am legally king!" Merlin procclaimed while doing gang signs and praying to Allah. "Wait...so if you want to be king legally, why did you kill threats to the throne which is ILLEGAL!" Stannis pointed out. "Uhhh…YOU'RE ILLEGAL I WILL DEPORT YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Merlin mumbled. Merlin left Stannis to rot and die in pain because he had no arms or legs. I will kill these fuckers on my list…

- Jaime Lannister

- Tyrion Lannister

- Cersei Lannister

- Myrcella Baratheon (missing)

- Tommen Baratheon (missing)

- Joffrey Baratheon

- Stannis Baratheon

- Daenerys Taegaryen

This is my list…

Merlin rode his ultimate dragon to seek Daenerys and her fucktardism.