Title: Learning to Love a Winchester
Chapters: 1/? (15 so far)
Author: myforgottenpain
Rating: MA/PG (For Now)
Pairing: Dean/Castiel/Destiel; implied Dean/Lisa
Warning: Spoilers for season 6 and on
Summary: Castiel tells Dean he loves him, but does he really know what that means, let alone what it takes to love the Winchesters?
Notes: I've tried to stick close to the basic events of the series. Also, I've decided to try adding song verses to the beginning of each chapter, to sort of summarize what each chapter is like. Comments and criticisms are welcomed.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Supernatural, Dean or Sam Winchester, Castiel, Lisa, Ben, Bobby Singer, or anything connected to them.
Chapter One
/ Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying, I love you. / ~Lionel Richie "Hello"
Dean jerked awake with such speed a normal person might have flinched, but Castiel was anything but that.
Remaining where he was, Cas watched as Dean turned to look at him. He didn't need to see it, to know Dean's hand was under the pillow gripping a firearm, ready to act at a moments notice. In the same way he knew that the mortal was relaxing that same grasp, as he processed that he was in the company of a friend.
But he did see it.
In that he saw Dean's shoulders lower just a little, as the tension left the muscles in them.
How long has it been since something like this happened? Dean found himself pondering, the sleepiness gone from his head as he thought back through the months since they had parted.
Goosebumps rose on his skin as he realized a few things. Not only was it unnaturally easy for him to accept Cas appearing like this again, but there was a part of him that had missed these moments. When they were alone, the Earth was still, and the boundaries always seemed lower.
The way Dean was looking at him interested Cas, as so much the mortal did. It wasn't true surprise, nor was it even angry, despite the hour this was taking place. There was an element of awareness, as if they had already discussed the details and had agreed upon this moment earlier in the day.
In fact, Dean looked like he could easily roll over and go back to sleep, while mumbling in a grumpy tone: "About time, hurry up and come to bed. And can you do me a favor Cas, could you stop being such a blanket hog?"
"Is everything..." Dean started to ask, and was immediately answered by Cas: "I love you."
Castiel could see it in Dean's expression, that had come out too bluntly. He had tried his best to find a direct, but gentle way to express himself, and had unsurprisingly failed.
He lowered his gaze as he tried to think of what to say to make it easier on Dean, when he heard an answer to his statement.
"I need a drink." Dean shoved his blankets away and crawled out of bed. Before going any further, he leaned over and looked at Sam closely, to make sure his little brother was still sound asleep in his own bed.
Castiel observed this with seemingly no emotional concern, but it did touch him. Always the perfect, protective brother aren't you, Dean?
They had found a room at their normal, although in this case slightly seedy, hotel. The bathroom was just to the right of where Dean was now standing, mini fridge to the left. By passing Cas for the moment, he went over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer from it. He popped the cap off with a quick twist of his wrist and tossed it to the floor.
Dean drank down half before deciding to grab another one, tucking it under his arm as he turned back to the other figure in the room. It was only then, that he met Cas' gaze again.
The angel was still standing where he had been when Dean woke up. Ever patient, ever still, waiting for Dean to finish what he needed to do.
Nervousness gripped Dean, causing him to look away from Cas. There were so many things he was good at. This, what was happening between them, was not one of them.
With a jerk of his head, Dean signaled Cas to follow him, as he walked into the bathroom. He flicked the light switch as he passed, which struggled to turn on, before giving up to its job.
The bathroom was cramped, filled with stained fixtures that had never been nice, not even when they had been new.
Dean set the spare bottle on the sink before turning to face Cas, leaning back against it. "Close the..." He didn't need to finish since Cas was already in the room with the door closed behind him.
"Why here?"
"I have a feeling we're going to need some privacy." Dean answered softly. He took a smaller drink and noticed the confusion on the angel's face. "What?"
"This is a dream, Dean." Cas stated as if it should be completely obvious.
"I dream about talking to you?" His eyes widened and before he could tell Cas he didn't really have to answer that, the angel did.
"Often."
Dean stared at the angel in disbelief, before shaking his head wearily. "You would think I would pick a better setting," he then added: "You were saying?"
"That I love you." Castiel repeated in a questioning way, as if unsure that was the correct response.
Taking a longer drink of alcohol, Dean nodded, "That would be it."
"Should I explain myself?" Cas asked.
"You do know," Dean started, answering the angel's question with one of his own, "that love can mean many things? I mean, I love a good cheeseburger, but..." He paused as he tried to decide what would be a good balance. "But not as much as my Baby." He indicated in the general direction he had parked the Impala.
"I am aware of that." Cas answered simply, "I have thought a lot about this before bringing it to your attention."
Dean nodded his head a few times and finished the rest of his beer in a single gulp. "Ok." It was like he had received the answer he wanted and yet had not at the same time.
"Is this upsetting you?"
"No," Dean answered sharply, replacing his empty bottle for the fresh one. "Is this about what you said to Sammy a few days ago?"
Dean and I have a profound connection.
"Are you mad that I told Sam that?"
The lack of response from Dean was almost more of an answer, than words could have been. Others might have demanded an answer. How many times had Sam tried and failed to extract desired information from his brother?
Even though Castiel wanted one, he knew he had to wait. It was obvious the mortal was thinking hard about how much he wanted to reveal.
When Dean responded, it wasn't to address what Cas had asked. "I thought you only came down because of the disco stick thing?"
Cas nodded, "Yes, I did say that." His eyes went to the side again as he added, "But only because I was uncertain about the way Sam reacted to what I said before that."
Who would have guessed professing your profound bond with someone's brother would be so startling?
"Well, it was a dick move that you answered my call and not his." Dean responded, even though part of him was really pleased. He liked the idea of Cas being more his than Sam's.
Cas saw the amused look on Dean's face and started to question it, before deciding not too for the time being, "I will from now on."
Since that topic seemed to be closed, and Dean wasn't offering any further conversation himself, Cas drew in a breath and continued his original explanation. "Even with everything that is happening in Heaven." He hesitated again, thinking about the shame he had experienced since the Apocalypse, for his brothers and himself. How many angels had he killed since this all began?
"With Raphael... I still worry about you." Castiel explained, "I want to keep you safe." That was after all, Cas thought to himself, why I am doing this. It's all for you, Dean Winchester.
Dean's response came in the snap and hiss of the remaining beer bottle being opened, followed by a long gulp of the cold liquid.
"You fought with me, when no one else would." Cas continued and this time he earned a brief glance from the man in front of him.
"I can relate to that."
Castiel nodded, thankful that Dean had finally answered him. He hated it, but he felt uncertainty creep over him. It had been so easy when he had his orders, making decisions for himself was harder than he imagined. This was especially true when it came to Dean. If there was anyone he wanted to protect, to love, if he could ever truly know how to express that; it was him.
Silence filled the space between them, so Cas looked around the room for a moment. His eyes settled on the floor and realized there was an unintentional boundary between them.
He was standing on a bright orange-colored bathroom rug, that was so worn out it had lost all the cushion. Dean was standing on the dingy tiling that was verging on an infected yellow color.
It suddenly occurred to Castiel that he might as well be standing on the edge of a precipitous. It would only take one step before he tumbled into oblivion.
A chuckle broke the silence finally, causing Cas to look up at Dean. He was happy to see that he was met with a smile that seemed to even reach those green eyes. Confusion settled on his face though, "What?"
"Nothing," Dean answered, although the smile lingered for a few seconds afterwards.
Castiel continued to examining Dean's expression. He felt that Dean had found amusement in the way he had looked at the rug. Why, Cas couldn't understand. It would have to be another mystery that was solved on a later date.
"I had a feeling," Cas started again, "that you might be able to relate..." He trailed off, noticing right away how Dean's body language changed. There was a tension in his form, like an animal when it's hair stands up on ends in moments of crisis.
Dean pressed the neck of the bottle against his lips, breathing in deeply the fumes that escaped the remaining alcohol. He then sipped from it, before setting it to the side.
Taking that step over the line that had been placed between them, Cas stood closer to Dean. He remembered, as Dean straightened his posture and met his eyes, the times the mortal had asked him to remember proper personal space. He didn't ask Cas to back off this time, instead, he immediately tried to flee from the situation.
Mostly because it didn't occur to him that he should, Cas didn't move out of the way as Dean pushed past him. The mortal wasn't able to move him, so their bodies pressed against each other as he slid past.
Uncontrollably, his body throbbed when he brushed against Cas, Dean struggled to ignore it.
Something reached Cas then, like a distant whisper. He turned as Dean finally made it past him, gazing at the back of his head. "I can do that."
"What?" Dean whispered, turning in time to once more have Cas extremely close to him. The angel's penetrating eyes reaching into him. It made him shake in the boots he had never taken off.
His mind raced with the desire that had sprung up when his body had come into contact with Cas' vessel.
But just as it seemed like Cas was thinking about possibly kissing him, he stopped. "Lisa..." Cas said softly, looking away from Dean again.
Dean's own gaze lowered then, regret washing over him. How could he forget? Did she really mean so little to him that he could shove her to the side without a second thought the moment Cas reappeared to him? He was still, sort of, in a relationship with her. And yet, his eyes moved to their corners as he stole a glance at Cas. Part of him ached to know...
Cas nodded his head slowly, even as he seemed to be studying the floor again. Returning his gaze to Dean's, he wasn't exactly sure what he had expected to see. But there was something in those green eyes that seemed to just be waiting for Cas' permission. Cas could wait for the question on Dean's mind to be asked. He could wait forever, after all, he had waited through that already just to unintentionally meet Dean to begin with.
But when he again heard the same whispered request from the mortal in front of him, he decided to enquire for Dean. "Did you want me to kiss you just now?"
At first, a sheepish smile formed on Dean's lips. "Well..."
For a moment it looked like Dean might say yes, the way his eyes sparkled in a cheeky manner, even Dean thought he would say yes.
"Not with Sam in the other..." Dean paused, remembering suddenly that this was not reality. "Same room?" The phrase sounded so strange, because it didn't really fit what was happening.
What about your supposed girlfriend? Dean screamed internally at himself.
Dean was suddenly very aware of how the space between himself, Castiel, and the door seemed to be shrinking. It was scary and wonderful at the same time. He was practically pressed against the door itself and a secret part of him wished Cas would passionately shove him against it.
The verbal answer was enough for Cas, the details easily dismissed for what seemed more pressing at the moment, which was what Dean's eyes seemed to be asking of him now. Cas' eyes closed a little more in focused concentration, "Do you want to..." He was cut off by Dean raising his hands in a silent request to stop, moving away from the door a little more.
He didn't give himself time to even think about, whatever it had been, that the angel had picked up from him. Instead he focused on answering as quickly as he could. "Definitely, not with Sam in the next room. Especially, not when he is in the same one."
"Why does Sam's proximity matter so much?"
Dean was again caught off guard by the angel's eyes. How ancient they could be, yet still so innocent at the same time. He opened his mouth to answer and found that he wanted to laugh instead.
To just burst out laughing at the shear insanity of this moment. Standing in a cheap motel bathroom, a man who had tortured souls in Hell, thinking about kissing the angel who had pulled him out, and then trying to explain the birds and the bees to him.
"I'll tell you sometime." Dean answered softly, leaning back against the door.
"Alright." Cas answered after nodding a few times. In the silence that followed, the desire to ask Dean how he really felt rose up inside of him again.
As if suddenly becoming the one with extraordinary gifts, Dean's eyes quickly moved to Castiel's. There was something about them that both pleaded for the silence to continue, yet begged to release what he had kept from the world.
It was that moment when Sam would again try to make Dean just tell him what was bothering him. But Cas had watched the mortal long enough to know that this never worked. When Dean Winchester shut down, he was not going to say anything.
That time had come. Dean had given what he could, but he needed space now.
"You should go back to sleep." Cas replied softly.
Relief shown in Dean's eyes, even as he chuckled dryly, "I don't think I'm doing that anytime too soon." He turned anyways and opened the door, causing light to leak into the bedroom space except where his shadow blocked it.
Once Dean was out of the bathroom, Cas moved to the doorway and watched Dean as he walked back over to the bed. What he didn't expect was when the mortal turned and looked at him. Again, he felt like he would hear at any moment Dean's request for him to come with him.
What are you waiting for? Are you coming to bed or not?
He looked so tired suddenly, but not the kind that mortals felt when they just needed to go to sleep for a few hours. It was an emotional tiredness that came from literally having the weight of the world on his shoulders.
The light flicked off, even though Cas' arms were hanging at his side. By the time Dean turned back to face the bed, Castiel was already standing on the opposite side.
In the still of the darkness, as Dean's eyes adjusted, he wondered vaguely if things would be any less awkward if Cas wasn't an ethereal wave length. Would he be able to express any of the emotions he was feeling if Cas was just another hunter, or some irrationally cute guy next door? Probably, most definitely, not, he answered to himself.
Even if this could be a normal moment, if Dean could have anything close to a normal moment, just two tired guys crawling into bed after a hard day at work. "Janet at the office invited us to her birthday party this weekend, Sweetheart." "Sounds like fun, Honey Buns, maybe Sam would like to double date with us?" He stopped himself then because he realized he was once more ignoring Lisa.
What was he going to do about her?
Lisa had been good for him in so many ways. It had been good to be with the person that seemed to make sense. It was good to know he could get out of 'The Life' if he wanted to. It had been good to have the life he had never had before, the one he knew Sam wanted for him.
He would do anything for Sam, but this? Could he do this much longer? When the life he really wanted was here (literally standing in front of him), now that Cas was visiting again, even with the war in Heaven.
What you should be asking yourself, Dean Winchester, is: do you, could you ever, deserve to be happy like that with anyone?
Dean drew in a deep breath and sat down heavily on the mattress. He half leaned against the headboard, crossing his legs at the ankles as he drapped the blanket over his lap.
"Can I stay until you fall back to sleep?" Castiel asked in his normal straight forward way. An almost poker face expression despite what he had requested.
"Sure." Dean answered with a shrug, amazed at how easy the word had come out. He indicated to the spot next to himself, wondering if he had unconsciously hoped Cas would stay, leaving enough room for him in the process.
"You might be here for a while..." Dean paused for a moment and then added in a murmur, "You can always stay... for as long as you want."
Cas settled down into a sitting position on the space next to the mortal. "You will sleep soon."
The corner of Dean's mouth turned up in a grin. But before he could respond with the smartass comment that was just on the tip of his tongue, he realized his eyes did feel heavier.
He could feel himself sinking out of REM and into deeper, dreamless sleep. And just as he started to give himself over to it, he saw a small, but honest smile on Cas lips. He only had a moment to wonder if it was real, or just the ending fragments of his dream. But it was truly beautiful.
"Good night, Dean."