And
This Little Piggy Ran All The Way Home
By:
The Very Talented (if I may say so myself) Hermionefan
Disclaimer : I only own Billy-Bob the Scottish
pirate. Duh. And I own the um…the plot…I guess…
These are the requirements for METMA Mandy's
challenge fic:
n It
must be funny
n A
singing coyote must be present
n Someone
has to say "Ani rotzah lalechet le beit shimoosh" (which means "I want to go to
the bathroom" in Hebrew
n A
human character must lose a toe
n A
rabid hippogriff must be present at some point
n Cherry
Chapstick must be in the fic
n Someone
has to say, a la Paul Revere: "The British are mooning!! The British are
mooning!!"
Enjoy this…um…just enjoy!
"Did we lose him?" Ron panted as he
leaned up against the wall.
"Lose who?" Harry asked.
"You-Know-Who, dung brain!" Hermione
yelled in Harry's ear. Harry started rubbing his ear.
"Owwies…" Harry whimpered. Just then
Voldemort appeared around the corner.
He
had a coyote on a leash, and he was looking murderous.
"So…Harry…we meet again," he hissed
coldly. "But this time, you and your little friend will not escape!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What's with the coyote?" Ron asked.
Voldemort smiled evilly and stroked
the coyote on its head. Harry, Ron, and Hermione noticed that the coyote was
wearing a muzzle.
"Why, this is Sammy, the coyote that
sings very annoying songs," Voldemort
said evilly. "Would you like to hear him?"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione all took a
step back and shook their heads with scared looks on their faces. Voldemort
took the coyote's muzzle off.
"Say hello to Sammy, Harry!"
Voldemort cackled. Sammy started singing one of the most annoying songs in the
whole world. This is how it went:
"I know a song
that gets on everybody's nerves,
everybody's
nerves, everybody's nerves!
Oh I know a
song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes:
I know a song
that gets on everybody's nerves,
everybody's
nerves, everybody's nerves!
Oh I know a
song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes:
I know a song
that gets on everybody's nerves,
everybody's
nerves, everybody's nerves!
Oh I know a
song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes:"
(etc., etc.,
you get the point, it was VERY annoying)
Voldemort stood their and laughed
evilly some more. Ron and Hermione fell to their knees while holding their
hands over their ears. Harry, fighting the annoying waves of the song with all
his might, managed to crawl over to the evil-laughing Voldemort. With his last
bit of strength, he pulled Voldemort's sock off.
The coyote stopped singing abruptly,
put its tail between its legs, and sang, "That's (boom, boom) not (boom ba-da
boom) riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight (tiddy-boom)!"
Harry gasped in surprise. Ron gasped
in surprise. Hermione gasped in surprise and then said, "Why didn't you tell
us?"
"Yeah Voldie. We're you're enemies.
Why didn't you ever tell us? Remember that slumber party we all had that night
a few weeks ago when we promised to tell each other's secrets? I'm
just…shocked." Harry looked at Voldemort in a very disapproving way.
(Yes, that's right folks, Voldemort was missing his
little toe. That's…just…weird. They should put him in a freak show! Come one,
come all, and see the amazing nine-toed Lord
Voldemort! Only showing this week!)
Voldemort began to cry like a teenager.
"I…I tried to tell all of you…b-but
I couldn't bring myself to do it! It's to painful a memory!" Voldemort cried
some more. Harry patted him on the back sympathetically.
The coyote jumped up and quoted a
poem that went like:
This little
piggy went to the market.
This little
piggy went home.
This little
piggy had roast beef.
This little
piggy had none.
And this
little piggy ran all the way home.
Ron gave the coyote a confused look
and said, "That wasn't a song."
The coyote just shrugged and sang
(in tune to Who Let The Dogs Out?), "I don't give a crap! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh!"
Harry pointed at the coyote
triumphantly and yelled, "HA! POTTYMOUTH! POTTYMOUTH!"
Voldemort, on the other hand, was
still sobbing like mad.
"Maybe you'll feel better if you
tell us, Voldie." Hermione soothed. Voldemort calmed down a little and said,
"Yes, yes, all right then…" Voldemort pulled out a pink polka-dot hankie and
blew his nose.
When he was finally finished drying
his tears and blowing his nose, he said, "It all happened when I was only two
years old…"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mommy! Mommy! Listen to this!" said
a two year old Tom Riddle
"What is it honey bun?" asked a
woman with black hair and cold blue eyes.
"I wuv you! You wuv me! We're a
happy famawy! With a great big hug and a…" Tom started to sing. His mother
interrupted him when he was halfway through with it.
"Tommy, be mommy's little helper and
don't sing that song when she's around?" asked the woman sweetly.
"Okay mommy!" said Tom Riddle.
"Say sweetie-pie, would you like to
play a game?" asked Tom's mom.
Tom was delighted and jumped up and
down. "Yay! Yay! What we gonna play?"
Tom's mom gave him a very sweet
smile. "You have to take your shoes off first, pumpkin."
So Tom took off his shoes and socks.
"Okay now, here we go!" Tom's mom
recited the same poem that the coyote had recited. But, on the fatal last line
of the poem, Tom's little toe jumped off Tom's foot and hopped off screaming,
"Ani rotzah lalechet le beit shimoosh!"
Tom's mom looked at Tom's foot, and
died right there on the spot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END
OF FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, Ron, and Hermione all gave
Voldemort curious looks. Voldemort looked at them and once again burst into
sobs.
"You hate me, don't you?" he
sniffed.
"Of course we do Voldie! You're our
enemy! We're supposed to hate you! Why ever would we not?" Hermione said.
Suddenly, a rabid hippogriff flew
in. He was a brown one, and foam was forming at his beak and his eyes were all
red and out of focus. It laid itself down on the floor and managed to rasp,
"The British are mooning! The British are mooning!" Then it suddenly spotted
some cherry chapstick on a table nearby. Immediately, it was restored back to
health.
It ran over to the cherry chapstick
and started hugging it and dancing with it. He said to the chapstick, "Where
have you been all my life, you cherry-flavored lip balm, you!"
Out of the blue, the Dursley family
dropped in. Vernon Durlsey looked at them all with a sort of mad glee. "Ha ha!
We are here to moon you! Prepare for your worst nightmare!"
Vernon and Petunia Dursley pulled
down their pants and…
( | ) ( |
)
Vernon's Butt Petunia's Butt
(Look,
I labeled them for you, aren't I nice?)
They pulled their pants up and
Petunia yelled, "Okay Duddy-kins! Let 'er rip!"
And then Dudley pulled down his
pants…(oh the horror…*goes and vomits in the nearest toilet*)
( | )
Dudley's Really Huge Butt
Ron and Harry went over in a corner
and began to throw up. Hermione covered her eyes with her hand and said, "Okay,
I think we just crossed the line between vengeance and just plain WRONG! Not to
mention gross! Ewwwwwwwwww!" Hermione ran over to Ron and Harry and began to
throw up as well. Then, Dudley farted…
And a very…er…STINKY fart it was
too…everyone in the room (except for the Dursley's, who had brought gas masks
with them) passed out. The Dursley's all laughed evilly and disappeared.
Well,
as it turns out, they all woke up with absolutely no memory of that horrible
night, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione went back to learning witchcraft and
wizardry while Voldemort caused chaos throughout the whole universe. The
singing coyote Sammy got a job at a bar where he now sings love songs to fat
guys who have absolutely no self-esteem. The hippogriff and the cherry
chapstick got married and had ten cherry-flavored hippogriffs that keep your
mouth from getting chapped. Voldemort's little toe wrote a book about his
adventures called 'Foot Fungus - How I Dealt With It'.
THE END *ECHOES* END…END…END…
It was very weird/gross/funny/stupid wasn't it?
Yes, I thought so. But…oh well…MWAHAHAHAHAHA! … Arr me mateys! Review or I'll
send Billy-Bob after ya! He won't be so forgiving as me!
toodles,
hermionefan