"Congratulations Ramona & Jackson Class of 2023!"
The bright green and orange banner hung across the living room banister. Balloons wafted throughout the room, life size photos of Ramona and Jackson stood on either side of the staircase. Cupcakes in the shape of graduation caps covered an entire table. It was all a bit over the top but some things in life never changed, "Doing It Gibbler Style" being one of them. Ramona loved her mother for it.
Ramona's diploma from FIDM was perched on another table. "The most expensive pieced of paper in the world," her mom had called it. She'd inherited her mom's passion for fashion – though with what she hoped was a more sophisticated taste level - and fell in love with jewelry design. Jackson's USC prelaw degree stood next to hers. It took him a while to find out what he was passionate about but after volunteering with the Innocence Project for one semester he found his calling.
Every corner of the living room and kitchen was filled with generations of Fullers, Gibblers and Tanners, celebrating the important milestone college graduation represented. Ramona was thrilled to start the next phase of her life, but she had something else very important in mind to do during this party. Something that could be even more life changing. Something to do with Jackson.
Ramona and Jackson spent most of their high school years as frenemies, but as they matured so did their relationship. While they'd created their own separate lives at college in Los Angeles, they were together constantly, exploring the city, establishing their favorite spots to hang out, study, and talk. L.A. created their lifestyle and they had a blast. They'd seen each other at their worst after one too many drinks and been confidants through the ups and downs of college life.
As their senior year approached, they knew everything there was to know about each other. Ramona had grown to cherish their time together, and his friendship meant a lot to her. So, when Jackson announced he'd be spending his last semester abroad in Paris she was surprised…and some other feeling settled in her that she couldn't quite place. They hadn't had too many conversations about the future but she never imagined him so far away.
Maybe that saying about distance makes the heart grow fonder was true, but Ramona immediately missed Jackson. With him gone everything felt muted and time stretched. Minutes felt like hours, days like months. No matter where she was or what she was doing she found herself distracted, watching the clock, thinking how slowly time was moving. She tried to stop thinking about Jackson but that only made her realize how he'd been one of the first people she'd thought of each morning and one of the last that drifted through her mind as she went to sleep.
She constantly checked Instagram and SnapChat for updates. She'd pull up the weather forecast for Paris, calculate the time difference and wonder what Jackson was doing. With every selfie and filtered picture of his adventure, longing would well up inside her, sharp and strong. She wanted to be there with him.
They'd essentially shared the last nine years of their lives together. He'd seen her through her parents' tumultuous relationship and almost-reconciliations. She'd been there for him when he missed his dad, Father's Day always being one of the hardest days of the year for him. There had been plenty of good times too. She smiled at the memory of them spending the day at the Getty museum and their In N Out Burger eating contests. The past few years had been as close to pure happiness as Ramona could remember. And it was because of him.
One day, as Ramona sat by herself at her and Jackson's favorite spot on the beach, she realized, plain and simple, he had gotten to her. Plain and simple she wanted to be with him. Somehow, some way she had accidentally fallen in love with Jackson Fuller.
She'd asked herself a million times how this could have happened. But the more time she spent thinking about it the more reasonable the explanation became. No woman could resist Jackson's smile, his thoughtfulness, his charm. There was no shame in falling for a guy like Jackson, no matter how it happened.
The realization hit her hard. She didn't exactly know when or how but it was powerful, this…thing she felt. Nothing like she'd experienced with the boys she'd met and dated in college. Maybe that's why none of her relationships had worked. All she really knew was that whatever friendship she and Jackson had before had deepened into something more. She knew it was crazy. But the more she thought about it, the more possible it seemed.
She gave the feelings time to see if they'd go away but instead they grew, which scared her. Ramona was scared of how strong Jackson's pull on her had become without her even knowing. Mostly, she was scared of falling madly, deeply in love.
While these new feelings clanked around in her mind like heavy chains, Ramona kept everything normal on the surface. But she was distracted. Thoughts of Jackson invaded her thoughts at unusual times. Once when she was home for a weekend her mom pointed out her odd behavior.
"You look awful," her mom said with a smile over lunch during a girl's day.
"Geez, thanks mom," Ramona teased.
"Seriously, is everything okay? You haven't seemed like yourself."
It was so tempting to be honest with her mom, to take the weight of the world off her shoulders. She never kept anything from her mom, but her feelings were so new and strange that she was afraid to say them out loud. She wasn't ready. Not yet.
"I'm just tired. Classes have been hard this year."
"But you love it?"
The word love hit her hard, so she didn't look at her mom when she replied, "Definitely."
She knew she was acting like a love-sick teenager, she knew it was all one-sided at this point. Maybe this connection she felt with Jackson was all in her imagination, she wasn't so far-gone that she didn't recognize that. But she knew she had to do something about it.
She also knew this graduation party was her chance to be honest with him. Her plan was a simple one. When they had quiet a moment – which she knew would be hard to find – she'd pull him aside, maybe they'd go for a walk, and come clean. Let him know how much she missed him, and let him know about her feelings.
With two parents who often acted like children, she was used to being an adult early in her life. So she would be mature about this. She prepared, imagined what it would be like to see him, practiced the words she would say. She'd always been strong and independent so she vowed not to run from her fears. That had never been her style. And she was definitely afraid. Afraid that she'll say those words to Jackson and he'd look through her like she didn't matter.
Despite her preparation, what she hadn't anticipated was Jackson there with a fiancé, which was exactly what she encountered when he came through the door hand-in-hand with a tall, blond, beautiful woman named Ellie.
The next moments were a blur. Jackson had barely walked in when he shouted, "Everyone, we're engaged!"
The whole room seemed to rush to them at the entrance stairs, sharing hugs, kisses and questions. It took her a moment to register what she'd seen and heard. Then came the pain. In a strange state of paralysis, Ramona moved with the mob and ended up in front of the couple.
It was the first time seeing Jackson live and in-person in six months and her eyes bounced all around him at once. His hair was longer, he was wearing simple jeans and a tshirt, but cut in a way that was definitely European. He pulled her into a bear hug and she experienced a mix of relief, joy and hurt all in one heartbeat. Words stumbled and died on her tongue, so she covered her sudden lack of command of the English language with a ridiculously large, fake smile.
"Hi Ramona," Ellie said. "So nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you."
Ramona considered it a personal triumph that she kept her face empty of emotion while her insides secretly crumbled to pieces, that she happily greeted Ellie and Jackson, feigned interest in how they had met in Paris and their whirlwind love affair, and asked about his proposal at the Eiffel Tower. Jackson answered in rapid-fire speed, they way he always did when he was excited.
Sure, she'd seen Jackson with women before. But his relationships never lasted more than six months. So with each new girl she knew it would be just a matter of time before he found some reason or other to end it. His last relationship had ended because the girl was too clingy. The girl before that was too serious too fast.
But now he was engaged? She didn't remember ever seeing any photos of Ellie and he'd never once mentioned that he was seeing someone when they talked – almost every week. Why the big secret? He was always busy when they FaceTimed, always on his way somewhere or studying so their conversations were always shorter than she wanted. And now she knew why. She felt territorial and jealous. Both emotions caught her off guard.
Every moment of that party was excruciatingly endless torture. Seeing Jackson with Ellie made her stomach tie in knots, but she couldn't help but find them out of the corner of her eye no matter where she was in the party. The two of them talking, holding hands, him putting his hands on her waist. She noticed how close they stood, how affectionate they were, how he rubbed her back, how she kissed his neck. She forced herself to look away. She should be happy for Jackson but she selfishly couldn't muster it.
Even though everything about Ellie – her unbelievably flawless skin, seemingly unnatural cheer – made Ramona want to tackle her, Ramona knew that wasn't fair. She was irritated at how she felt. To feel heartbroken over this was completely foolish.
When it was polite enough to do so, she snuck upstairs and locked herself in her childhood bedroom to absorb her sadness in solitude. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, the same one where she would record her "Ramona's World" vlogs and scrutinized her reflection. Plenty of things had changed since those days. She'd grown her hair long and gone with bangs. She was still petite and slender but when she walked into a room people usually noticed her just too big brown eyes, full lips thought that mattered little to her. Another thing she'd learned from her Mom was to be confident in her skin and she was.
Ramona was light years away from the scrawny girl she's been when they first moved into the Fuller house. But is that who Jackson still saw in her? A bratty teenager? The little girl who stole his birthday presents? She liked to think her habit of picking raisins out of raisin bread was endearing but maybe he thought it was annoying. Sure, she still spoke her mind, and always would, but Jackson always told her how he appreciated her "spunk."
As Ramona curled up onto her bed with a pillow she longed for someone of her own. Not just anyone, but that special someone. What had she been thinking? That Jackson was that special someone? She'd been a complete and utter fool. Convincing herself that maybe they… she stopped herself mid thought. It was ridiculous. She had set herself up for this disappointment. She knew that. She had been completely, utterly wrong. There was nothing between them. But knowing that still didn't make things hurt any less.
She didn't sleep well that night and the next day she felt hungover even tough she'd barely had anything to drink. An emotional hangover. She had no appetite and mostly felt sad and lonely and disappointed.
She walked down the back stairs to the kitchen, hoping to enjoy a cup of coffee before the rest of the house woke up and each room was filled with the chaos of every member of the Fuller, Gibbler, Tanner and Kastapoulous families. As she reached the last step she saw Jackson already at the counter. Shit.
"Good morning," she said neutrally. She was certain he could see her racing heart through her skin, hear it's thunderous beat from across the room. "You're up early."
"I'm taking Ellie on a tour of San Francisco today. It's her first time here and we're going to explore the city. I want to make sure we see it all before we have to leave. You should join us. We barely got a chance to talk yesterday."
"Oh…no…thanks," Ramona stuttered, grasping for an excuse. "I promised my mom I'd spend time with her today," she lied.
"Bummer," Jackson replied, distracted by the picnic he was packing, filling a basket with fruit, sandwiches and pretzels.
"Ellie seems like a nice girl," she said truthfully, figuring she would need to acknowledge her eventually. All she knew about her was that she was from Texas and was pursuing a career in music. She planned to move to L.A. to do that just that, moving in with Jackson who'd been accepted to UCLA Law School.
"Yeah, she really is. I can't wait for you to spend time with her," Jackson said.
Ramona tried to think of something to say that would steer the conversation away from Ellie, but instead she plowed ahead with what was on her mind. She could never bite her tongue.
"This is all happening so fast. Don't you think you should slow things down?"
"What do you mean?" Jackson finally paused, looked directly at her.
"I mean, how much do you really know about Ellie? Don't you think you're rushing things just a little?"
"You have no idea what you're talking about" Jackson replied, an edge of anger in his voice.
"Jackson, I don't mean to upset you," Ramona was speaking from her heart now, her jealousy pushed far aside. "I'm a product of a dysfunctional marriage. You know what it was like with my parents. I know what it's like to be a part of a messed up family. I want something better for you. I want you to be happy."
"You know what I think, Ramona?" Jackson was furious now, his voice rising, a scowl flashing across his face, his finger pointed right at her. "I think you have no idea what's it's like to be in love."
Jackson was wrong. Ramona knew what love was, how it could turn you inside out. She also knew what a terrible thing it was to have that love unreturned.
And with that blow to her heart, Ramona knew she had to leave. It was time to leave her silly fantasy behind and move on. Jackson didn't love her. That knowledge seeped into her like poison, replacing the flimsy fantasy of love she'd let build up inside her.
To Be Continued