Phineas Flynn was sitting on the kitchen table, depressed. He sighed. "Man, I wish I could have sex with Isabella, now that we're both 18, but I lack confidence!" He said out loud to nobody since he was alone. "I'm still a virgin, and now I'm too scared to look bad in front of her. I guess I'll have to stay a virgin forever." Phinneas decided. He sighed again and drew his forefinger in a circle pattern on the table. It was then as he was drawing his finger in that circle pattern that he heard his sister Candace walk in.
"What is up, little brother named Phinease?" She asked, naturally.
"I'm depressed."
"What has your thoughts and emotions in such a negative mood, male sibling of a younger age than I who was named PPhins.?"
"It's embarrassing." Phinaes said, blushing.
"If you can not reveal the depths of your thought processes and emotions to I, your elder sibling Candace, then who could you speak to at all? Willst thou chooseth to suppresseth thine feelings for thy life eternal, or willest thou be open with I, Candace Flynn, your eldest sibling? Who better to trust than me?"
"Candace, I'm always so impressed with how natural your speech is." Said Phinsea, non-sarcastically. "Fine, I'll tell you. I'm still a virgin, and now I'm too embarrassed to have sex with Isabella because I have no experience with sex. I'm feeling scared and unconfident and so I haven't worked up the courage to ask her to have sex, and I don't think I can."
"Ah, thou desirest to perform the act of intercourse with the young lady Isabella, who, like yourself, has recently been on the planet Earth for 18 rotations around the solar celestial body colloquially known as the sun, a period of time often referred to as a year. This amount of time revolving around the central star of this solar system, the closest one to the planet, is important because now performing sexual intercourse will have no repercussions from the legal system of the United States of America, where you happen to reside, all granted it is consensual. However, you lack confidence because until now you yourself have never engaged in sexual intercourse, and now you are not confident in your own experience or ability. This is why you are depressed because you are afraid to engage in sexual activity with the young woman who is given the name Isabella for fear of embarrassment. Did I miss anything?"
"Wow, Candace!" Saenihp said, amazed. "You got everything, and you were so concise! I'm impressed."
"Yes, indeed, indeed. Being brief, and not wasting words in any situation that I have come across in my 24 years of life is not only a skill which comes naturally, but is also something I've often been complimented on by various people whom I have met, of various ages, races, genders, religions, educational levels, economic statuses, physical statures, occupations, dispositions, personalities and so on, so I accept your compliment, Pines, my younger sibling of the male gender, who is biologically related to me, but as I have received this compliment before, I must not let it go to my head, for if I were to take these words too closely to heart, why any number of things could happen to my personality, including arrogance, and a lack of conscientiousness, as well as a myriad of other personality flaws, that while I could certainly list without much mental effort, indeed, I could handle such a task practically from infancy, I shall choose not to engage in such a list, because I have been talking so long, using so many words that my throat has gone dry and as a result I am not only dreadfully, horribly, and unthinkably parched, in other words thirsty, but speaking itself has become difficult due to the dryness in my mouth, and tongue particularly, so I must end this sentence, though not willingly, and certainly not for lack of ability, mentally speaking, but simply due to unfortunate physical limitations inherent in all human beings, and indeed all biological organisms that drink through their mouths, particularly animals, and mammals specifically, for as I have stated, were I physically able to speak any longer I most certainly would, but alas, misfortune strikes this day, a day where I, Candace Flynn have decided to verbally console my younger male sibling whose parents have elected to provide with the name Phns, and whose current emotional hardships fill my heart with depression all the same as what he feels, making my heart feel like it's being torn into pieces, a phenomenon explained best by modern psychology, a field which has proven physical pain to often have a purely mental cause, sometimes not consciously known to the person experiencing it, and this finding, backed up by studies in neuroscience using brain scans, has added to the scientific literature, which is the name given to our collective body of knowledge that has given weight to many great findings, not the least of which is Newtonian laws of motion which state-." Candace choked, her shriveled tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth. She grabbed a bottle of water and chugged the whole thing downing it in one long gulp.
"Ahem." Candace let out, collecting herself. "But, I digress. Phenais, if you'd like, you may practice sexual activity with me, no pressure."
Phins blushed red and lost his breath for a moment. "Candace, what- I mean we- I mean . . . are you sure?" Phes managed, stumbling over his words.
"I am indeed certain, moreso than I ever recall being at any point during my young, but nonetheless full time alive on this planet. Phusae, I feel genuine sorrow for you and your situation and how it affects you and more importantly, I don't want you to live as a man who has never experienced sex for your remaining life. Though it may be slightly uncomfortable, I would love to help you practice. Besides, Jeremy dumped me a few months ago, and I've been kinda unfulfilled, and horny." Candace said, some anger clouding her usual manner of speech.
Phasein was pretty much flabbergasted, but something about having his sister come on to him like this made him pretty horny too. Embarrassment met sex drive, neither one winning out as Pinahes merely stuttered and blushed, able only to utter a small "D-do you really . . ." without much else.
Candace smiled and giggled, moving closer. "Dearest male sibling who is younger than me, Paniesh, I already revealed both in word as well as tone that I was certain, and I have not reconsidered; I am just as sure now as I was mere minutes ago. In fact, you may say I am more sure now than ever, as, unlike many human beings with two chromosomes denoted as an X by modern science, which barring genetic disorders, are simply called human females, I find your nervousness to be a sort of charming turn on. In addition, my dear more youthful sibling named Psaeihn, after having lived with you as long as I have, I have begun to crave the forbidden fruit, as some may say, a phrase that calls to mind the fable of Adam and Eve, found in the book of Genesis in the Bible, but I digress." She wrapped her arms around Panis and whispered in his ear "Let's fuck like animals!"
Phines's throbbing boner pushed against his pants, and he nodded with resolve. "Ok, let's go!"
They had sex.
"Wow, Candace, I'm glad you were there for me to practice with. Now that I've had sex, I'm a little more sure of myself, since I know how it feels. I'm glad you were there to give me a no pressure way to experience sex, so I could see if I was ok at it!"
"You were indeed skillful, shall we say, younger sibling, Phasnie! At the very least, you were able to last much longer than my previous romantic partner, and love interest, as well as dear friend, a man by the name of Jeremy. Indeed, I am astounded by your natural ability to-" Candace was interrupted by her bedroom door opening. It was her mother at the door.
"Candace, how dare you have sex with your brother! You are busted young lady!"
"Figures." Candace said, devoid of her normally verbose speech. "Phs8/ and Ferb never get busted, so it stands to reason that I would. For as you see, I Candace Flynn have long suffered-"
The End
Hi people. With this story, I don't even know what I was thinking. I just sat at my keyboard and started writing whatever came to mind, just trying to be silly more than anything. I remember accidentally misspelling Phineas' name as Phinease, and giggling at the sound of it. It gave me the idea to start misspelling his name each time it was said, but I have no idea where Candace's weird speaking habits came from. I think I just made her speak a little unnaturally just to have her say the word 'Phineas' more often, and I just kind of built on that, but it was still ridiculous lol. I guess that's all there is to this little story. Hope y'all enjoyed.