Disclaimer- I don't own Naruto.
Author's Warning- This is what happens when I sit around all day doing nothing.
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Naruto woke up one sunny day. Birds were chirping outside of his window and the sky was a beautiful shade of blue. Naruto rolled on to his side and picked himself up. He crawled out of bed and gazed out the window to the lovely morning.
"It's going to be a great day today!" he declared. "Believe it!"
It was then that Naruto noticed that one of the birds was wearing a black trench coat and was aiming an AK47 at him. Naruto ducked down just in time to avoid a hail of gunfire.
"What's going on?" Naruto screamed as the sounds of gunfire died down.
"That was my doing." I answered.
"Krimson Rogue?" Naruto asked perplexed. "What are you doing writing crack? You always write things like drama, action and romance!"
"Not true. The first Naruto story I wrote was about how stupid your catch phrase is. Unfortunately, I keep finding fanfics in which you keep saying 'Believe it'. As a result, I must punish you whenever you say your catch phrase."
"What, you mean Believe It?"
Suddenly, Pakkun appeared on Naruto's bed, foaming at the mouth with the worst case of rabies in recorded history. The room was soon flooded with rabies foam. Naruto had to leap out of the window to escape. He landed in an alleyway behind his apartment. He dusted himself off as he stood up in the pile of garbage.
"Wait, I didn't land in garbage." Naruto reminded me.
"You're right."
Naruto flew up fifteen feet and fell back down into the waiting pile of garbage.
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" he yelled. "What about the laws of physics?"
"The laws of science have no bearing in crack fics."
"No fair." Naruto dusted himself off again, then made a horrible realization. "Oh no! I'm still in my underwear!"
He looked around frantically for anything to cover himself up with. After a few minutes of fruitless search, he got on his knees and pleaded. "Please Mr. Rogue. Just help me out just this once."
"No."
"Please? I was going to ask Hinata out later. I need to look good."
"Oh. If it's for romance I guess I can help out." A bag appeared in the middle of the alleyway.
"Thanks Mr. Rogue." He reached into the bag…
"W-w-w-w…What is this?!?!?"
…and pulled out a pair of lingerie.
"Clothes. And don't call me Mr. Rogue."
"But they're black and frilly!"
"Not my problem."
"Frilly!!!"
After several more minutes of whining and using the word "frilly", Naruto decided to just run as fast as he could back into his apartment before anyone could see him. He grabbed his usual orange jacket and pants along with a black undershirt. He got dressed and grabbed a cup of ramen from the cupboard. Within minutes he was sitting down to a steaming cup of ramen, and it was good.
"This is the best ramen ever!" he said. "Believe it!"
"Punishment!!!"
As Naruto shoveled another mouthful of ramen into his mouth, the ramen turned into…
…well, I can't legally say what it was, but it involved toasters, two and a half goats, and the French Foreign Legion.
Needless to say, Naruto ran screaming from his apartment.
Naruto ran and ran. Before he knew it, he ended up in front of the ninja academy where he finally became a genin. He placed a hand to the side of his head and rubbed his temple. Maybe a short walk around here will help me forget that…THING. He shuddered as he remembered what had just happened to him and started off on a walk.
It wasn't long before he saw Sasuke, walking alone as usual. Although Naruto hated to ask for help, he was up against an opponent far more powerful than himself. Naruto ran to Sasuke's side.
"Sasuke! You have to help me!" he cried.
"What do you want, dobe?" Sasuke didn't stop walking. He just turned his eyes as Naruto followed closely.
"There's this evil madman who keeps hurting me every time I say-" Naruto caught himself before he said the dreaded catch phrase, much to my disappointment.
"Every time you say what?" Sasuke asked impatiently. This was his day off. Why did Naruto have to bother him?
"Y-you know…the thing I always say."
"You mean believe it?"
Sakura ran from around the corner. "There you are!" she yelled. "Don't move."
Sasuke's eyes went wide and he braced himself when Sakura charged right at him. He waited for the impact, but only felt the wind as Sakura ran right past him. "PANDA-CHAN!" she yelled as she jumped onto Gaara, who appeared out of nowhere. She knocked him to the ground and they rolled around together.
Sasuke relaxed as he saw the event unfold before him. "Wait. What just happened?"
Sakura stopped glomping Gaara for a moment so she could answer. "Sorry Sasuke, but I'm over you. I love Panda-chan now."
"Don't call me Panda-chan." said Panda-chan. "I said stop it!"
"Okay, Sanda Panda-chan." I corrected.
"That doesn't even make sense."
"Blame my roommate. He insisted."
"Wait…I'm free?" Sasuke asked.
"Yup."
"Who said that?" Sasuke asked.
"He's the one who's been torturing me!" Naruto explained.
"Why?" Sasuke, asked. He knew the reason, he just hoped Naruto would fall for the trap.
"Because I keep saying believe it!" He clasped his hands over his mouth as soon as he realized his folly.
"For the record, I'm only half evil." I said.
Naruto was about to argue the contrary, but I managed to shut him up by releasing a horde of over-caffeinated cats on him. They engulfed him in a cloud of claws, fangs, and caffeinated fury. When the dust settled, Naruto wasn't much more than a bloody mass of flesh.
"Hey, evil man!" Naruto said. Apparently, he thought I was evil. "Why didn't you hurt Sasuke?"
"Because that's how I work!"
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Oh look! The kitties are coming back!" Naruto glanced up in horror as the dust cloud of over-caffeinated kitten fury started inching towards him. That got him running away in a hurry.
"Thanks for the laugh." Sasuke told me.
"My pleasure."
Naruto continued running until he was downtown. He leaned against a fence and rested to catch his breath. He sank to his knees in exhaustion. He sat like that for a short while, until the pangs of hunger reached him again.
"Still hungry." he said to himself. He stood up and walked only a little ways before he came across his favorite food stall in the whole village. Energetically, he ran down the street, skidding to a halt in front of Ichiraku's. He lifted the cover and took the first seat that he saw.
"Old man!" he called out. "One bowl of miso ramen!"
"Comin' right up." the old man called from inside the shop. Naruto searched the store cautiously, making sure nothing would go wrong. He relaxed contentedly as he found nothing wrong with the place.
"N-Naruto-kun."
Naruto looked to his right and saw Hinata sitting right next to him. She was blushing wildly. Naruto blushed slightly back at her. "Hey Hinata-chan. When did you get here?"
"I-I've been here f-for a while." She said, indicating the bowl of ramen sitting in front of her. She looked at Naruto and gasped.
"Naruto-kun! You're hurt."
Naruto noticed that she was looking at the scratched he got from the cats. "Oh this? This is nothing."
Concern overwhelmed Hinata's shyness. She grabbed Naruto's arm and forced him out of the ramen shop.
"Hinata-chan? Where are you taking me?"
"My house. You need to clean those wounds. Otherwise, they'll get infected." She blushed enough to stun an elephant, if that makes any sense.
"What?" Naruto cried out. He was finally going to be invited to a girl's room, something he wanted to do with Sakura for the longest time. At least, until he discovered how Hinata felt for him.
"Hinata-chan, you don't need to do this. I'm fine."
"N-no." Hinata said nervously. She was shaking badly from her nerves. But she had to help Naruto. Maybe he'll like me if I help him like this. she thought.
"Hinata-chan, really, I'll be fine." Naruto tried to explain. "I'll have to get used to things much worse than this. I'm gonna be Hokage one day, believe it-OH NO!"
"Gotcha!"
Naruto was transported in a puff of smoke. Hinata looked around when she couldn't feel his arm in her hand anymore.
"Naruto-kun?"
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Naruto woke up in a pile of meat. He stood up and scratched the muck from his face. He realized that it smelled like taco meat. In fact, the entire place smelled like tacos. As Naruto cleared his vision and saw that he was in Burrito Land, where tacos rule and tortillas do the slave labor, as tacos are clearly superior to tortillas.
"Where am I?" he asked. He walked a short distance until he came across a man in a black cloak. "Excuse me." he said.
The man in the black cloak turned to face Naruto. "Hello newcomer! Have you come to accept the taco for all it is worth?"
"…What?"
"We are the chosen children of the taco! We are the Followers of the Burrito!"
You see, Naruto landed in the middle of one of the craziest cults ever conceived. The Followers of the Burrito worshipped tacos, rather than burritos, for reasons not even they were aware of.
"Have you come to be cleansed in the taco-y goodness?"
"Uhh…" Naruto was at a complete loss for words. "What?"
"Or, have you come to mock us?" the man in the black cloak asked, growing paranoid.
"No no no! I'm just here by mistake." Naruto claimed. He held his hands in front of himself defensively. "You see, there's this evil guy who can…geez, how do I explain this."
The man in the black cloak let out a low hissing noise. Soon, other Followers of the Burrito surrounded the blonde ninja on all sides. "Persecute the non-believer!" the man in the black cloak called. Naruto was grabbed and lifted above his abductors' heads. They carried him to a cliff side, where the smell of tacos was at its strongest. Naruto looked over the edge and saw a boiling vat of taco meat.
"Wait! What are you doing?" Naruto asked the crazed taco lovers.
"Taco! Taco! Taco!" they chanted. With one toss, they threw Naruto over the edge of the cliff, towards his taco-y doom.
"Mr. Rogue!" Naruto called. "Please, help me out please! I'll never say it again! I promise!"
"Naruto, did you ever read Naruto's New Catch Phrase?" I asked as he fell.
"Yeah, once."
"Well, I want you to say it."
"What, THAT?"
"Yes."
"…Fine." Naruto had a defeated look on his face. He swallowed his pride and yelled, "I'M NARUTO UZUMAKI AND IT-" He was suddenly cut off as he disappeared in a puff of smoke. He reappeared in the park in Konoha, safe and sound.
"What? Where am I now?"
"Konoha Park."
"What? Why? I didn't finish saying the new catch phrase."
"Yeah, but I didn't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read the story yet."
Naruto picked himself up and stood with his arms crossed as he looked graciously into space. "Well, thanks for your help back there. Sort of."
"No problem."
Suddenly, a huge pile of taco meat fell from the sky and landed directly on top of Naruto.
"And don't call me Mr. Rogue."
Naruto fought his way out of the deadly taco meat, cleaning himself off in the process, and was about to yell at me, when he saw Hinata crying on one of the benches nearby. "Hinata-chan? Why is she crying?"
Naruto walked up to Hinata and sat down next to her. "Are you alright Hinata-chan?"
"N-N-Naruto-kun!" She quickly wiped her tears away. "I w-was…" She paused for a moment as she regained her composure. "I…I thought you didn't like me."
"Why would you think that?"
"W-well, when I was trying to help y-you earlier, you r-ran away." She started to tear up again.
Naruto put his hands on her shoulders to calm her down. Hinata immediately turned a deep shade of red.
"I didn't disappear like that because I wanted to." he explained. "I, well…I've had a really weird day."
Hinata wiped away another tear. "S-so, you don't hate me?" she asked hopefully.
"Of course not Hinata-chan. In fact…" he paused, carefully choosing his words to make sure he didn't mess up. "…I was hoping you'd let me take you to a movie sometime."
Hinata blushed so hard she turned a shade of purple. She swayed back and forth as she fainted. By good fortune, she fell onto Naruto. "Hinata-chan! Are you alright?"
Hinata obviously didn't answer. She laid down with a contented smile on her face. Naruto held her in his arms as she slept.
Hinata didn't wake up for several minutes. Naruto cradled her carefully as one would an infant. When she did finally wake up she saw that Naruto was holding her. Surprised, she leapt out of his arms. "I-I-I'm sorry N-N-N-Naruto-kun." She was blushing again.
"It's alright Hinata-chan." Naruto told her. "I didn't mind."
Hinata shyly stared at the ground. "You know," Naruto continued. "You're really cute when you sleep."
Hinata continued to stare at the ground. Then she remembered something.
"Naruto-kun, what about your injuries?"
"Huh?" Naruto had already forgotten about the incident with the cats. He looked at his arm, where the cats attacked him the worst. All his wounds were healed. "Oh, I'm fine."
Hinata inspected Naruto to make sure he was really alright. After verifying that he was indeed okay, she noticed something odd.
"Naruto-kun?"
"Yeah Hinata-chan?"
"You smell like tacos."
The color drained from Naruto's face. "Uh…I can explain."
"I love tacos." Hinata assured him. She hugged him, while taking in the out of place scent. Naruto just hugged her back.
They sat in each others arms like that until Hinata noticed one more thing.
"Naruto-kun, what's this?"
"What's what?"
Hinata reached down to Naruto's pocket and pulled out a thin black strip of cloth. Naruto froze as he remembered what had happened that morning. "Wait…that's not…"
Hinata unfolded the frilly black lingerie Naruto picked up from that morning. "They're so soft." she said as she ran her fingers over the material. "Can I have them?" she asked as cutely as she could.
"Wha…huh, uh…" Naruto couldn't believe how much he lucked out. "Yeah, sure." Hinata let out a small squeal of excitement. "Thank you Naruto-kun." She jumped into his arms and gave him a huge hug. Then she seductively whispered "I'm going to go try them on right now." She jumped of the bench and started running for her house. She stopped and turned back to Naruto. "Call me tomorrow." And with that, she ran home.
Naruto sat alone on the bench, not believing his luck. "Well, that was odd." he said.
"You're welcome." I told him.
"Wait, you had something to do with this?"
"Clearly. I am the author after all."
"So, everything that happened, happened so that Hinata-chan and I could be together?"
"Didn't I say I would help?"
"Kind of a weird way to help though."
"Hey, I like to do things early in the story, then bring them back later in the story and make the readers say 'Oh! I remember that!'."
"Okay, but how did you know that Hinata would like all of those things?"
"My story, my rules. Besides, who doesn't like tacos?"
"Wow. Thanks. I guess you aren't so evil after all."
"Tomato, tomahto."
"What?"
"Nothing. Go home."
Naruto stood up and headed home for the night. He walked with his hands behind his head as he reflected on the day's strange events. He wondered what kind of day it would be when he took Hinata out. He reached the door to his apartment and reached for the door knob.
As the door opened, an avalanche of rabies foam exploded out of the doorframe. Naruto, as well as every other tenant in the apartment complex, was forced onto the street as the deadly foam cleared every home of their residents. Naruto could see Pakkun bounding from rooftop to rooftop, still foaming at the mouth.
"KRIMSON ROGUE YOU HORRIBLE BASTARD!!!" Naruto yelled as loud as he could.
And of course, I just laughed at everything, and I hope you have too. Please tell me how I did by leaving a review.