I decided recently to watch My Life as a Teenage Robot again, because I thought it was great when it first aired. And as I watched plenty of episodes and enjoyed seeing Jenny at work fighting bad guys, I noticed a few similarities to another old cartoon I enjoyed; Megas XLR. Both of them feature robotic heroes. Both can pull out far more devices and weapons than should be able to fit in them. Both work by randomly having the right tool for the job. And they both tend to cause as much trouble as they fix, though Megas and Coop do way more. So I decided to write this one off.
I hope any MLaaTR or Megas fan find this and enjoy it.
My Life as an Xtra Large Robot
The massive forest was alight with the sounds of nature. Birds chirping; squirrels scurrying; flies buzzing; wild cats struggling for dominance (and when the other animals leave, going back to their plans on how to catch a squirrel). The leaves rustled in the light wind, the sun sparkling through them to the ground below.
Yes. It was the kind of environment and atmosphere… that said something big was going to come along and wreck everything. Because where's the fun in monsters appearing in an arid desert these days?
And like a walking cliché, two young children were running through the forest, laughing and enjoying themselves. Well, one was at any rate.
"Come on, Sam." The slower, chubbier kid whined, panting as he raced after his friend. "You know we're not supposed to be this far out. Mom will kill me if we have to remove another wolf from my butt."
"How was that my fault?" Sam asked, sounding annoyed. "You were the one with the underwear that smelt like meat." He was obviously the taller, skinnier kid. Because a lot of friendships are built on opposite physical traits.
"Only because you wrapped a steak up in them."
"Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Why did I wrap a steak in your underwear?" Sam shrugged. "Eh; I'm sure I had a reason. But I haven't done that this time. And we're not going as far." He waved Frank further on, rushing ahead. "I thought this place was so awesome last time, I decided to build my super-secret, super awesome, super cool secret base in the forest. A place where we won't have to deal with icky girls and their cooties."
"Cooties? What are you, five years old?" Frank replied, still managing to follow. "Besides, you don't seem to care about that robot girl's cooties."
"Robots don't have cooties. Not even girly robots. And I told you; I only like the cool weapons she throws out to fight the giant monsters with."
"Uh huh. Sam… I've seen that picture you have of her. By the way, where did you get the lipstick from?"
"I got it from my mom's…" Sam stopped talking, grinding to a halt. His eyes opened so quickly they made a squeaky noise. "Hey! I don't kiss pictures. Now come on. My fortress of mystery awaits." He started running again, nearly there. Frank slowly came to a stop, clutching his chest.
"Ohhh." He groaned. "I knew I should've only had three lunches." He maintained a limping jog, somehow still making pace. "Sam? Are we there yet?" As he asked that question, he pushed aside some branches in his way. And was promptly blinded by a dazzling array of lights. He cried out in pain, and the branches knocked him down. He got back up and push through again, one hand between him and the light show.
"Ta dah!" Sam called out triumphantly. "What do you think of my super-secret lair?" He asked. Frank lowered his hand just enough to get a better look. It was… well, definitely not what he was expecting.
It was a treehouse. Except it wasn't really high enough to be a treehouse; more of a trunk-house. It was badly put together, missing several planks and having gaps big enough that even he could've fall through them. One side was much lower than the other, and as he kept staring one room listed enough to be perpendicular to the house. And apparently, Sam tried to dazzle it up with enough safety stickers to give a teenage nightclub an epileptic shock. Sam stood before it all, hands splayed to the air.
Frank blinked his eyes before giving Sam a look. "So… When exactly did you realise that super-secret and super-awesome were two conflicting attributes?"
"Eh, when I realised I could see it from my house." Sam replied sheepishly. He was about to say something else, but then the ground started shaking. Clouds started forming above, and clustering around their area. Lightning blasted upwards from the ground. A powerful blustery wind buffeted the trees, causing a storm of leaves to blast outwards.
And the super awesome fort fell apart. As you'd expect anything made by a kid would do in events like this.
"Sam?" Frank said shakily. "I think we should start running back home."
"No way. I spent hours on that fort. We're not leaving until we put it back together again." Sam replied stubbornly. "Besides, it's just a stupid storm. It's not biggie."
Animals started stampeding out of the forest, all shapes and sizes and species. Frank turned around to watch them go.
"There's a squirrel riding a cat." He pointed out.
"Big deal. A squirrel got the better of a cat. It happens."
"There's a wolf riding a fox."
"So? It's not gonna eat you this time."
Frank grabbed Sam by the arm. "I just saw a bird flying away while a deer was riding it! We're leaving!" He ran faster than he ever ran before, moving so fast that his feet were pedalling air. And just in time too. A massive ball of light erupted from the ground near the fort, eclipsing it and consuming the forest. The two of them kept running until they got all the way home (accompanied by a herd of animals that forgot to stop running. The animals then headed to the zoo to rent out some rooms.)
It was just as well that Frank had some common sense. A giant metallic foot slammed down on top of the shattered fort. Yellow flames decorated the front of the leg it was attached to, and black metal flaps hang down the back, showing off the side figure of a beautiful woman.
The pilot of the giant robot, a fat man in a white shirt and red checkered vest, looked out the car window at the forest below.
"Whoops." Coop Cooplowski said.
In the back of Megas XLR's cockpit/muscle car head, Kiva was frowning at Coop, tapping her finger against her rhythmically as she had her arms crossed. Coop glanced back at her several times through his rear view mirror, looking away whenever she caught him looking. The entire car was silent.
His best friend, Jamie, glanced between them both. "…So…" He clicked his tongue against his teeth. "We're not gonna get back in time for Uncle Sam's All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet, are we?"
"We're in an alternate dimension, with no idea of our correlation to our original location." Kiva pointed out. "All because Coop didn't bother to check what coordinates were loaded into the system when he warped us around. No; I don't think we'll make it in time."
"See? That's why we should never test out the warp drive on Buffet day." Coop said. "Now everyone else is going to get all that yummy food." He rubbed his belly. "Oh well. Time to start getting back home." His finger hovered over the warp button.
"Coop, wait!" Kiva said quickly. "We can't just randomly hit coordinates until we get back home. There's theoretically billions of possible locations we could reach. It'll take us years to reach our own dimension, maybe even decades. Assuming we ever find it at all."
"Kiva, you've got all the weirdo tech loaded into the back there." Jaime said. "Can't you use any of that to find our way home?"
"It's possible." She admitted. "But I'll need to run through some serious algorithms to accomplish that. But assuming I can do that, it should take me…" Her holographic screen started flickering, and sparks started… sparking out of the glove compartment. Coop opened it to find a smoky box, jutting from the top of the glove box. "…Forever." She finished.
"…That was important, wasn't it?" Coop guessed.
"That was the warp navigational beacon. The only way for Megas to lock onto alternate dimensions in the first place. Without it, we can't even leave our current location."
"So in other words, we're stuck here." Jamie summed up. The car was silent for a moment as they all processed that. "Wanna go find an all-you-can-eat-buffet in this dimension?" He asked Coop.
"Great idea." Coop turned the key, starting Megas up again. He glanced back, and saw Kiva glowering at him. "Well what else can we do? I think a warp beacon thingy is a bit beyond me."
Kiva sighed. "Fine. You two go pig out at a buffet again. Meanwhile, I'll be in town, seeing if perhaps there's someone intelligent enough to give me something to work with on the theoretical location of another warp navigational beacon."
"Alright. See? Everyone wins." Coop pushed down on the accelerator, and Megas' boosters started firing up. He flew straight up into the air, before angling downwards towards the city they could see.
The only sign they had been there were a giant ring of knocked down trees, scorch marks, and a dug-in imprint of Megas' feet.
Oh. And a ranger who felt really stupid for mistaking a giant freaking robot for a poacher.
Meanwhile, at Tremorton High, the students were currently being shaken around and rattled by booming bass. A flash, expensive-looking hot rod drove into the school car park, shattering windows as it passed. It's massively long hood jutted forward like a prow of a ship, and it had at least five spoilers on the back. The wing mirrors were sharp enough to leave grooves in paintwork, and the top was down to reveal ten speakers in the back. The hot rod pulled up into a park, and out stepped Tremorton's hottest stud, Don Prima. He rested one leg on the wheel well, and flashed a grin bright enough to blind people.
"Feast your eyes upon wealth, people." He said proudly, walking into the crowd. "Behold, the Suros Supreme 9000. The best and most 'in' car available. Seventeen inch rims, low-down suspension, twenty track cd player…" His boasting kept going, every student drawing closer and closer to listen in.
All except for the most peculiar crowd. Jenny Wakeman and her friends.
"Wow." Jenny said in awe. "Can you believe it? That thing's probably sleeker than I am. I wish I had a car like that." Jenny was peculiar in the sense that she wasn't a normal teenage girl. For one thing, her skin and clothing were made out of metal. For another thing, she had over a dozen combat simulations programmed in.
And finally, she was a robot. Obviously.
But she does have the cliché band of friends. You've got Brad, the easy-going rebel who doesn't play by the rules and sets up all the zany adventures they get into. You've got his little brother Tuck, the short scaredy cat who does most the work setting things up. And then you've got Sheldon, the love-struck friend that ends up getting friend-zoned every single time. And doesn't ever let up.
And right now, Sheldon was jealous over how much Jenny was fawning over Don Prima. "Big deal. It doesn't do anything. It's just some overpriced box on wheels. You're way cooler than that thing ever could be. You can turn into… anything."
"Why would you even need a car?" Brad asked Jenny. "You've got rockets in your feet. And your back. And your pigtails."
"Having a car is an important part of being a regular teenager. And it'll show everyone how hip I am."
"You're a robot with lasers and axes and a dozen ways to solve any problem." Sheldon exclaimed. "That car's got nothing on you."
"I dunno, Sheldon. The way Don Prima's going, that car's got as many features as Jenny." Tuck said.
"…Heated seats, a radio that connects to any and every oversea station, and at least twelve cup holders." Don Prima was still going on. He started walking away, the other kids still crowding around him as they kept up. "Yessir, that car is one of a kind. It's the best thing you'll ever see. And it's not going anywhere soon."
And proving that the universe has a wonderful sense of timing, that's the exact moment that a giant robot decorated in flames and with a car for a head landed right on top of it. Along with other cars nearby. After crashing through a nearby water tower. Don could only press his hand against his chin and make high-pitched squealing noises.
Meanwhile, up in the robot car head…
"Ok. Everyone, remember where we parked." Coop said, looking out the window for a restaurant sign. Jamie and Kiva looked out the window, down at the ground far below them.
"Yes Coop. We're totally going to forget where we parked a 120 foot tall giant robot." Kiva said sarcastically.
"I know, right? You'd think that's something you'd only ever do once in your life." Jamie replied. He was leaning further out so he could see Megas' feet.
"Hey Jamie. Am I parked within the lines?" Coop asked him.
"You're parked in somebodies lines." He said truthfully.
"Great. In that case, I'll put Megas into neutral and…"
"Hey!" He was interrupted by a loud shout. Blinking, Coop looked out the front window to see a robot girl flying right in front of them. She was six and a half feet tall, with white plating for skin and aquamarine making up her short skirt, tube top, hair and pigtails, and her knee-high boots. She didn't look happy to see them. "What's the big idea, buster? You think you can come into my town and start wrecking things?" She got closer, poking Megas' grill. "I don't care if you were built with a car for your head; this is not how you park."
Coop raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Is she talking to us, or to Megas?"
"Dude, who cares? She's hot. Think I could get her phone number?"
"You cannot be serious." Kiva said exasperatedly.
"Hey, I nearly got a robot chick's digits when Coop was wrestling. Maybe this time I can get them before Coop wrecks the place." Coop, deep in thought, snapped his fingers as he realised something.
"Oh yeah. I got Megas' windows all tinted. She probably think it's a visor or something." He looked back at her, where she had her arms crossed and her foot tapping thin air.
"I'm waiting for an apology." She said.
Coop flicked the comms on. "Uh, sorry about this. I was just looking for an all-you-can-eat-buffet. Do you realise that nobody seems to have parking for giant robots? Talk about inconsiderate."
"You're one to talk. You crushed all these poor kids cars." Coop leaned Megas forward, just enough to look down at the students. Plenty of them were waving their fists angrily at him, and one fancy guy was crying waterfalls as he held a badly dented wing mirror.
"Oops." Coop laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. For some reason, Megas was doing the same. "Sorry about that. Let me just back up out of here." He put Megas into reverse, making him take several steps backwards. Megas ended up squashing the other cars he missed when he landed, creating a large puddle of oil.
And following cartoon logic, anything that steps into oil loses all traction and slips. Like, say, a giant robot foot. Megas' foot slipped out from under him, causing him to fly up into the air and fall back down on his back, crushing even more cars.
Inside of Megas, the three amigos were jostled by the landing. Coop's hand ended up slamming against a button. Megas raised his leg up a bit, and a missile fired from his foot… right into Jenny.
Coop winced at the sound of an explosion. "That was probably the robot girl, wasn't it?" He guessed.
"Yep." Jamie replied.
"And she's probably going to in bits and pieces."
"Yep."
"And assuming she survived, she's going to be really mad at us."
"Yep."
Coop put Megas into first gear, and the giant robot sprung back onto his feet with a flourishing jump. As expected, Coop caused quite a bit of damage. The high school was split in two, a jagged blast going right down the middle.
"…" Coop and Megas shrugged. "I wonder if this place has got a Las Vegas. That's always got the best…" He was about to say more, but then something smashed into Megas' back and sent them crashing and skidding across the ground. They turned around to see the robot girl alive and intact, a giant fist in front of her.
"Bad move, bucko." She said. "Nobody threatens Tremorton while I'm on the job."
"That was an accident." Coop tried to explain.
"It's always an accident." Kiva pointed out. The robot girl was flying around them, two laser guns folded out around her hands. Coop turned to face her.
"Look, I get why you're upset." He said, ducking as she buzzed over him. "But this is all just a…" Duck. "…Misunderstanding blown completely out…" Duck. "…of proportion." Dodge. "If you would just hold still long enough for us too…" Jenny flew straight towards him, impacting with her pigtails configured into a large drill. Sparks flew where she worked, pressing against the flame plating at the centre of his chest. "Hey! Watch the paintwork!" He pushed a button on Megas' dash, and the panel she was drilling against shot out as a large yellow ram. The girl went flying away, and then panels folded out from the ram like a flower. Energy crackled from the lenses arrayed on the panels, before firing a barrage of lasers that fused together into a single powerful beam. Jenny dodged the blast at the last moment, and it struck the road behind the school. When the lasers stopped, there was only a carved trench where the road had been.
Jenny turned and glared at the giant menace.
"Good job convincing her you're not trying to kill her Coop." Jamie said.
"Alright pal. Two can play this game." A giant laser folded out from behind her, and lenses folded out down her body. She lined them up, and fired a powerful blast right for this giant monster. It twisted to the side, far more agile than its size suggested. Her blast struck what was left of the water tower, leaving smouldering legs behind.
"Ok. That? That was your fault." The giant robot said.
Jenny yelled in frustration, swapping her lasers for melee combat. One hand formed a spiked mace, and the other formed a giant hammer. Flying at great speed, she swung the mace against the robot's chest, before smacking his arm with her hammer.
The robot stumbled from the hits. "Hey! I just waxed that. That does it. You want a fight, little girl? You are totally getting one." He pointed one arm at her, his other hand gripping the top. His hand was replaced by a laser barrel, and panels folded out to resemble a claw. A large ball of energy formed between the claw tips, and then released it at great speed. Jenny dodged that one, and it smashed into a far hilltop, creating a large explosion. Jenny flew towards the robot again, ready for a second go.
Inside Megas…
"Coop, ranged weaponry isn't going to work. She's too small and fast for you to hit." Kiva was admonishing Coop. "I never thought I'd say this, but play to your strengths."
"You're right, Kiva. Smashing things is much better." Coop pressed several buttons, and Megas replaced the Spider Blaster with close range weaponry. A giant shield folded out of one arm, and Megas replaced a fist with a spiked fist. On a chain. "Waaargh!" Coop screamed, running towards her and spinning his fist in the air. He threw his fist at her, but the robot girl ducked and tried to counterattack. He blocked her with his shield, reeling his fist back in. Then, he pointed it straight at her and fired it off. He got the girl head on, smashing her through a wall. But then she was flying back out, carrying his fist over her head. She flew around Megas, binding him with his own chain. Coop tried to break free, his free arm flailing. And he smacked the girl with his shield. A solid right hook. He then disengaged the chain, slotting in another fist to replace the old one.
The robot girl stumbled out of the hillside she crashed into, shaking off the dirt. "Let's see how you like a little swordplay." She said, folding out her arms. Three limbs sprouted from her elbows each, and they all carried scimitars.
"Dude! That's awesome!" Jamie exclaimed. "Can Megas do that?"
"I… I dunno. I think it's a combo setting." He looked down at the gamepad before him. "We'll start with up, left, down, B…" he started twisting the stick and pushing buttons. Megas opened up panels in his arms, firing missiles at her. Then he pressed his arms together, pulled them back and fired off a hadoken. "Huh. So that's how I do that." He tried another combination, and Megas unleashed a robo flurry of laser punches. The next combo had panels opened on the top and bottom of Megas' arms, and two more arms folding out. Then the fists were replaced by large, fancy looking swords. "Oh, there we go." He made Megas do a kickass pose, and then charged towards the robot girl.
"This thing might be my toughest foe yet." Jenny exclaimed. It had far too many attacks, and could match her blow for blow. Plus there was whole fact it was bigger, tougher, and stronger than her.
She was going to need everything she had to beat this foe.
The two of them clashed, blades striking blades. Jenny was putting every servo she had into holding back against the sword blows; but it was a losing battle. Time to change strategies.
Time for a rocket punch.
She folded up her swords, and replaced them with two rocket arms with fists attached. She flew around the giant mech, arm boosters all active. Then, when she was close enough, she let them rip. Both arms flew straight towards the giant's back. But it spun around in time for them to crash into its chest, sending it crashing into the hill.
"Yes." She cheered, pumping her disconnected limbs. But then the giant sprung back up, crashing into her feet first. She was slammed against the ground. The giant robot raised his foot long enough for her to stumble to her feet… then brought it down on her again. And again.
He stepped away, hands on his hips. "Look kid. I can tell you're a good person and you're just fighting to protect this place. I get that. That's why I went easy on you. I'm really sorry about the carpark, but you took things out of proportion." He turned away from her, walking into town. "Now, where can I get a smoothie?" He said to himself.
Brad, Sheldon and Tuck all ran towards her, helping her to her feet. "That looked rough. You ok Jenny?" Brad asked.
"No. No I'm not ok. That jerk thinks he can just walk all over me. And he thinks he has to go easy on me. I'm just as tough as he is, and twice as strong." She replied angrily.
"Uh, he just pounded you into the ground. I think you should be glad he went easy on you." Tuck pointed out. Jenny gave him a glare. "But I could be wrong. What do I know? I wasn't there getting my skirt whooped."
"I'll beat him." Jenny vowed, getting back to her feet. "I'll just have to hit him even harder. I'm sure I've got something that'll take that oversized tin can down for good." Her bellybutton screw started blinking. "Assuming Mom doesn't interrupt me."
Her chest panels opened up, a screen folding out and displaying her mother and creator, Nora Wakeman. Easily recognised by her spiked white hair, and her very long curved nose. "XJ9, we have a serious problem."
Jenny groaned. "Mom, I already know about the robot. I've just been fighting it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to figure out to take it down."
"You've been fighting it? But my scanners indicate that it's still at the city limits." Jenny blinked, her processor working.
"…Wait. You're saying there's two giant robots attacking Tremorton?" She and her mother said at the exact same time.
"That lugnut must've been the vanguard or something. I bet he was sent here to deal with me before the rest got here." Jenny said angrily. Then she gasped. "But that means… he's probably trashing the town right now!"
"Uh, I don't think he's doing any of that." Sheldon said, pointing to the city. They saw the giant robot – the first one – holding a takeaway up to his shoulder. Just the right height for his head to fit in the drive through.
The lot of the kept staring at this sight. "I don't get it. Why would a robot order take out?" Tuck questioned. They watched as he put the building back down where he got it from, before placing both feet into the nearby parking spots. Jenny's eyes telescoped, allowing her to see it in greater detail. She watched as the car doors opened… and a scrawny human dressed in green and black stepped out and stretched.
"That's not a robot. It's a mecha." She exclaimed. Now she felt really dumb. Because it had tinted windows, she assumed that a higher intelligence was in there. And it was just some guy driving it. "Ugh. I can't believe I got so worked up about that thing. I could knock it over in one punch as soon as the driver's out. Stupid piece of junk."
"It still kicked your butt." Brad pointed out.
"Forget about that mecha." Nora scolded her. "Your job is to deal with the robot currently invading the city. Before it gets to the city."
"Yes mom." Jenny replied, annoyed. She turned towards the mecha. "Just you wait pal. You deserve such a butt-kicking." Then she rocketed away, heading for the city limits.
"…Would it be wrong for me to bet on how long it'll take to get her butt kicked?" Tuck asked.
Coop pigged out on the local fast food. He was really glad this world still did deep-fried battered chicken. The kind of stuff that could give you heartburn if you didn't know what you were doing. But he trained himself for that. He could eat twice as much as the next guy.
"You know, I should probably go back to that school." Jamie was saying. "She never saw me; I might have a shot with her."
"I still can't believe you're trying to date her." Kiva said in the back of the car, scanning for the components she needed for the warp unit. "You barely have any luck with regular girls; why do you want a girl who can fight Megas?"
"Pfft. That wasn't really a fight. Coop was just taking his time in beating her."
Coop swallowed his meal. "I feel really bad about that. I mean, she wasn't all that bad. We just had a big misunderstanding." He pondered. "I wonder if she's good at gaming. You'd think a robot would be really good at that kind of stuff."
"Not if she plays like the Zerks in SunCraft." Jamie pointed out.
"True. They really cheaped out on the AI in that game."
There was the sound of beeping in the back. "Finally." Kiva said. "I've gotten the number of a brilliant engineer and robotics expert that lives here. She should be able to help me find possible components to repair our systems." She hooked into Megas' comm systems, already calling her number.
After three rings, the phone was answered. "Hello, Nora Wakeman speaking. What appears to be the emergency?"
"Dr Wakeman? My name is Kiva Andrews. I require information about unusual parts to repair a damaged warp navigational beacon."
"A warp navigational beacon? Oh dearie, those things are only theoretical. I cannot in good conscious offer advice for a mere theoretical device."
"It's not theoretical. I have… had a working device. But then my pilot totalled it."
"I was putting it through its paces." Coop argued.
"Hmm." Dr Wakeman mulled. "Tell you what; you give me your location and ensure you've got this 'prototype', and I will be willing to give it a look and offer my theories."
"Thank you." Kiva said. "We're currently parked at the Monkey Burgers fast food store."
"I… see. I'll be there momentarily." And then she hung up.
"She's probably gonna know nothing about it. You heard her; it's theoretical." Jamie said.
"It's a start at least."
"I just hope we're not going to be stuck here all week. There's a new Slamming Shooter game coming out, and I'm hoping I can use it to add new moves to Megas." Coop said.
"That's actually a good idea Coop." Kiva said.
Jamie rolled his eyes and looked out the window. Then he squinted as he saw something in the distance. "Hey guys? Isn't that a giant robot fight happening over there?"
"Over where?" Coop asked, his mouth full.
"There. At the city limits." Megas turned its head, so that the city limits filled the front window. And then the zoom setting started, bringing it into focus.
"Huh. So it is." Coop swallowed his food. "But I only see one giant robot. Where his opponent?"
"Flying around him." Kiva said, leaning over the seats to point it out. The screen zoomed in again, showing the girl robot from before attacking it.
"She's doing pretty good." Coop pointed out. "Kiva, you want a burger?" She shook her head.
"Yeah, but we'd do it better. We'd have that robot turned into a scrap heap in half the time." Jamie said.
"Yeah, but she's like a twentieth of the size." Coop winced as the robot slammed her between his hands. "Ooh. That's gotta hurt."
The hands lit up, and the robot started shaking them. The robot girl was flying again, giant flamethrowers for arms. Then she traded them for gorilla arms and started whaling on the robot's face.
"So. When do we go in and kick its butt?" Jamie asked.
"We don't. She'll probably think I'm the bad guy. And how would you like it if someone else showed up and started doing your job for you?" Coop ate a whole burger. "Besides, it's nice seeing a fight from the sidelines."
"… You gonna share those chips?"
"Ugh. I should've asked that woman what she looks like." Nora Wakeman grumbled as she drove down the street. "But no; all I asked where she was. I'll probably end up passing right by…" She looked slightly up as she complained, and came screeching to a halt when she spotted something unbelievable. "Or she'll be in the giant robot. That's a possibility too." She drove into Monkey Burgers and found a nearby park. "Wait. Jenny said she fought a giant robot. I bet this must be it. Well, if they think I'm going to help them conquer the world, they've got another thing coming." She got on a power glove she kept in the glovebox, and started climbing up the side of the robot. Inch by inch, step by step, she rose higher and higher. Going from leg, to knee, to upper leg, to waist, to armpit, to shoulder…
And finally, the head.
"Alright evildoers." She shouted as she jumped up onto solid ground. "Prepare to meet your…" She trailed off, aware that a teenage boy was standing before her. With his zip down.
"Hey!" He exclaimed. "Can't a guy climb down to go to the bathroom without getting attacked by ninja old people?"
"A human child?" Nora exclaimed. "But… why would a mere teenager be piloting a death machine?"
"Megas is not a death machine!" A fatter, older man shouted angrily, leaning out the other side of the… the…
Did this thing seriously have a muscle car for a head?
A young woman with red hair and frankly improbably boots exited out the passenger door. "You must be Dr Wakeman. I'm Kiva. I'm glad you could make it here to help me repair our damaged beacon."
"I uh… I uh… I uh…" Nora shook her head. "Hold on one moment here. We need to discuss prior events."
"Prior events?" Kiva repeated, sounding confused.
"Yes. Namely, you lot attacking my daughter."
"Daughter? Oh, you mean the robot girl." The fat one said.
"Yes. Jenny."
"Dr Wakeman, that was all a misunderstanding." Kiva explained. "Coop never checks before he lands, and he's got so many buttons that he keeps bumping them by accident. We were actually just trying to find somewhere to park when the fight happened."
"A likely story. But just to be sure, I need to see your control setup." She pushed past Kiva, and jumped into the car. And found a massive dashboard filled with buttons and levers and switches. "Egad. This is the most chaotic control board I've ever seen."
"You like it? It's got a few bugs, but it works out just fine for me." The fat man patted the dashboard, accidently pushing a few buttons. Laser cannons rose up from the shoulders, and one arm extended and fired its fist. The sign marking Tremorton's borders was completely destroyed. "Whoops."
"…On second thought, I can actually see that happening." Nora said in a deadpan voice. "Ok then. So; this warp navigational beacon. Where is it?" The fat man pointed to the glove box. She opened it to find a burnt box slotted in above. "This… is the navigational beacon? It's smaller than I expected. Where did you get this?"
"It's from the future." Kiva said. "We're not actually from this dimension. We were testing it to make sure it hadn't been damaged, and then we got stuck in your dimension."
"And somehow you expect me to fix a device from the future that may or may not work on the same principles as a theoretical device that no one here has ever built." Nora summed up. She looked at the smouldering machine. "Hmm… Give me two days. I'll get something whipped up by then."
They were all startled by the sound of an explosion. A smoking object came flying through the sky towards them. All the civilians scattered as it crashed to the ground; and then through the Monkey Burgers.
"Oh yeah." Coop remembered. "There was a fight going on." He looked back at the city limits, and saw a dozen giant robots stomping towards the city. As they watched, more dropped down from above.
"But then, that would mean…" Nora gasped. "XJ9!" She climbed down the side of the robot, followed closely by the others. They ran inside to find the robot girl – Jenny – beaten and scorched. She looked really bent out of shape.
"Ugh." She groaned, coming back online. "Mom?"
"I'm here sweetie." Nora said softly, cradling her greatest creation.
"They… They just kept coming. Everytime I destroyed one, there was another taking its place. There were just too many."
"Sshh. It's alright dear. You did your best."
This touching moment was ruined as someone kicked the bathroom door opened.
"Man, why can I never go to the bathroom without someone wrecking the joint?" Jamie asked, shaking off his damp jeans. Jenny gasped as she recognised him.
"You!" She said angrily. "You're the pilot of that vanguard bot!" She got shakily to her feet, fists ready for a fight. "Tell me how to stop your evil fleet, or else I'll… I'll…"
"XJ9, wait!" Nora called out. "They've got nothing to do with the army approaching us."
"Yeah." Jamie added. "And Coop's the one driving. Blame him."
"You see XJ9, what you took for wilful damage… was simply an idiot pushing buttons he has no way of understanding."
"Hey! I managed to modify a giant robot to use game controllers." Coop retorted.
"We can do this all later." Kiva interrupted. "Right now there's a massive army heading straight this way."
"Cool. Smashing armies is my favourite thing. Come on, let's all hop in. Megas can fit us all."
"Well, I suppose I should see how he pilots his mech." Nora mused to herself.
High above the town, there was a massive floating factory. And deep within its hissing bowels and fiery pits was a darkened control room. And within there… was The Devastator. A man sole bent on conquering and destroying every world he saw. He wore a massive cape over his slim sharp armour, and a helmet that hid all but his eyes.
"Yes." He said in a deep, smooth voice. "Go forth my army. Go forth, and destroy this wretched town. Go forth, and…" A giant blue blur smashed into the front line. "What the devil?"
The smoke and dust cleared to reveal Megas, standing triumphantly on top of several dismantled machines. "Hold onto your skidplates, creeps. It's wrecking time!" Coop shouted.
"Do we have to?" One of the robots asked. "I think my skidplate's been used." Coop switched his fist for a four barrelled blaster, tearing the robot to shreds. The other bots ran in, ready to tear them apart.
Coop pressed at buttons and turned the steering wheel, making Megas spin on his waist guns blazing. As the second wave closed in, Coop went back to fists and wrestling moves. He smashed holes through them, slammed down on them, spun one round by his feet like a hammer, bounced off powerlines and clotheslining a bunch of them, ripped one's arms off before tearing him in half.
"No! My production mate!" One cried, cradling a severed head. "He owed me money!" The robot shrugged. "Oh well. He was a cheapskate anyway." And then he ran back into the fight, yelling at the top of his mechanical lungs.
"Waaargh!" Coop shouted, slamming his forehead against the big red button. Megas pointed his fist, and fired it off. It grabbed hold of the first enemy head, and carried him through the others before exploding.
In the back, Jenny and Nora were watching the fighting. "Wow." Jenny exclaimed. "This is unbelievable! You're tearing them apart!"
"This has got to be the most reckless use of a giant robot I have ever seen!" Nora said. "Although, I haven't seen many uses for a giant robot so far."
"Let's try out some energy weapons." Coop called out, imputing a combo. Megas slammed his fists together, and created a long shaft and a curved blade of pure energy.
"Coop, that scythe will be very useful." Kiva told him. He smiled as he rose into the air, crashing down again and slicing through soldiers.
The Devastator fumed as he watched his army fail to destroy one foe. He pushed angrily at the command board. "Send in more troops. I will have this fool's head!" The factory churned even faster, spitting out more and more troops. They surrounded Megas, ready to tear him apart.
"Cool! More things to smash!" He shouted. He tossed his energy scythe, and pushed another button. Megas' arms split in two, massive gun barrels folding out. Several more barrels folded out from his waist, and two large barrels sat on his shoulders. And six more shot out from his chest. Coop held down the trigger, spinning Megas as he went. Hot rain of lead and plasma filled the air, millions of rounds fired per minute. The encroaching army was chewed up like Swiss cheese the moment they got close.
But one bot managed to somehow slip past the bulletstorm, and landed a blow on Megas, sending him crashing to the ground. Then the others swarmed them, punching and kicking them.
"Do something Coop!" Jamie shrieked.
"Yes, do something Coop!" Nora repeated.
"I'm trying!" Coop shouted back, alarms blaring as Megas was attacked. "Now, what button combination was it again?" He paused. "Ah, screw it." He slammed his open hand against a bunch of buttons on the display.
Outside, rays of light started flashing through spaces between the robots, until Megas smashed out of the pile-up, every inch covered in blades.
Inside, Nora and Jenny were blinking in surprise. "That was… unbelievably convenient." Nora stated.
"Wow. I wish I could just start random builds and get exactly what I need." Jenny said.
"Don't get any ideas." Outside, Coop was having Megas slice through any robots that got close, throwing them around like tin cans. Then he imputed a series of moves, and Megas started spinning like a top. Or a tornado. A bladed tornado.
Two robots held onto surprisingly sturdy trees. "Why couldn't we have gone to Nebulon 4 like I wanted?" One of them whined. "There's never any wind of Nebulon fouuurrr…!" The trees broke, and they were both pulled into the Megas Maelstrom. Megas came to a halt, arms posed forward. And it rained bits and pieces.
Out of the rubble, one shrunken robot scurried free, grabbing bits and pieces. "'Join Devastator's army', they said. 'We've got great dental' they said." He grumbled. "Knew I should've stayed in the amusement park."
"Yeah." Another said. "If I wanted to be wrecked, I would've kept being a test dummy."
"Rrraaarrgh!" The Devastator roared. "Increase production to maximum! I want this defender crushed!" He turned the dial all the way to the right, setting it for Maximum Overdrive. The factory increased speed, the air filled with steam and the walls shaking from pounding pistons. A never-ending sea of robots spilled out from the factory doors.
Down below, Coop and the gang all watched as it rained even more robots.
"Coop, this isn't working. We can't just focus on the robots. We need to take out the factory." Kiva said.
"But how?" Jenny asked. "We can't even get close with all those robots in the way. We'd need more weapons."
Coop smiled. "I got just the thing. Jenny, Dr Wakeman; say hello to Super Destructor Mode." He slammed the appropriate button, and thousands of missile racks folded out. Megas' chest was replaced by a giant cannon, along with his hands. And everything else was replaced by the racks.
"Well this is gonna void our warranties." One of the robots said.
"…Young man, have you ever heard the concept of overkill?" Nora asked.
"Uh, yeah. That's why I'm using it." Coop pushed another button, and Megas fired a torrential river of missiles. Far more than ever could be expected to fit inside the mecha. Far more than any defence could handle. Far more… than this hodgepodge army. "Waahhooo!" Coop shouted gleefully as the encroaching army was torn apart by explosions. Metal fragments rained down around them, forming a little mountain of bits and pieces.
"There, Coop." Kiva called out, pointing through a gap in the army. "Blow us a way in."
"No problem." He fired up the three massive cannons, tearing a giant majestic hole easily five times Megas' size. Then he retracted the cannons and missile racks, hand slamming down on the nitrous button. Megas' boosters flared enough to melt the land behind them, blasting him full speed towards the floating factory. Enemy robots flew in their path, but their sheer speed allowed them to smash right through them. Then they were flying through the factory, a winding maze of pipes and wires and tunnels.
"Good, good." Nora said. "Now we just need to locate the factory's main power core, and sabotage it. It should have sufficient energy to blow this whole place to pieces."
"Locate it? This place is a freaking maze." Jamie complained. "We've got as much chance of finding the power core as finding fifty bucks under Megas' seats."
"Then we'll just have to cut the knot." Jenny replied. "Budge over guys; it's time for me to start drilling." She squeezed her way out of the back seat, flying away as her pigtails transformed into a drill. She flew headfirst into a wall, easily tearing her way through it.
Coop smiled. "I like the way you think Jenny." He pulled a lever, and long panels and arms folded outwards from Megas' chest. They all glowed green, and a pointed shield formed before them. Engaging the thrusters, Megas pierced the wall and followed Jenny's path. They found her ripping apart internal defences, and then Coop shoulder-charged a wall of lasers that popped up. Nodding in thanks, the two of them kept going; getting closer and closer to the core.
They had just reached a big fancy door that power cores usually hide behind when something came out of the shadows at them. They were both smashed away, careening through two more walls before coming to a halt.
"Not so fast." A deep mechanised voice said to them. A giant robot stepped out of the shadows; it had a thin build the belied its strength, and wore a long flowing cape. "You pathetic wretches think that you can smash up my army, disrupt my plans, and destroy my factory and get away with it? Now you will learn the hard way why I am known through the galaxy as… The Devastator!" He made a fighting pose, and his cape separated into thin sharp blades tendril things.
Coop shook his head and glowered at the main villain. "Jenny, you keep going to the core." He ordered. "Rake man is mine."
"Roger." She replied, flying around the Devastator. The bad guy turned to grab her, but Coop slammed him through a wall… and away from Jenny.
"Alright you skinny, nerd-faced, bad guy wannabe." Coop said. "You smash up this town, you smash up my friend, and you're stopping me from getting back home in time for an all-you-can-eat-buffet! I'm taking you and your factory down hard!" He shouted in anger as he slammed Devastator against the ground, swapping one fist for an explosive one. The fully-primed blast rocketed him down several floors, sending them both crashing to the factory floor below. Coop folded out panels on the other hand, a much larger fist fitting on top of the old one. He smashed Devastator through a production line, before folding out twin cannons on his chest and blasting him again.
Elsewhere, Jenny finally blasted her way through into the power core. It was a massive circular chamber built around a miniature sun, with panels and wires flashing different colours. "Alright. Time to follow rule number one for shutting down power cores; blow up anything that looks important." She folded out many weapons, and started firing randomly and vigorously. Bits and pieces of the chamber started exploding, and alarms started blaring. Drones around her size flew from holes in the walls, lasers already firing. She quickly flew away, leading them on a chase. Then she looped around and started smashing them, throwing them against the walls in hopes of wrecking more stuff.
The Devastator wrapped his cape tendrils around Megas, edges glowing as they prepared to cut. Coop grabbed them with the big hand, and then spun him around over his head before slamming him against the ground. Several times.
'WHAM'. Coop pulled Devastator in and punched him in the face. Jenny grabbed one drone by the wing and smashed him into another.
'BAM". Devastator managed to get a lucky punch in, and set Megas flying away. Several drones crept up on Jenny, and blasted her in the back.
'FWOOSH'. Megas retaliated with fire, both arms merged into a massive flamethrower. Jenny folded out her own flamethrower, turning the drones into smouldering slag.
'BOOM'. Megas folded out his massive ship-shaped cannon, ramming it into Devastator before firing at point-blank range. Jenny pulled out a giant laser from behind her head, the beam bouncing from drone to drone.
'SCHWING'. Coop created an energy great axe, slamming it into Devastator. Jenny folded out her blades, and carved up more drones and panels like a Thanksgiving turkey.
'WHIRR'. Coop now had giant blades, grinding them against Devastator. And Jenny was firing saw blades around, tearing things up.
"Rrrraarrrggghhh! ENOUGH!" Devastator screamed. His cape folded around his chest, creating a massive cannon. It glowed with red energy, and then blasted Megas into the far wall. "I WILL NOT BE UNDONE BY SUCH INSIGNIFICANT FOOLS!"
"How's this for insignificant?!" Coop shouted back, pushing his special button. A button that changes use whenever he fights. A button that, right now, was marked 'Insignificant my ass'.
Megas slammed his arms together again, the hands folding down into them. But then the panels forming the arms extended, forming a squashed octagon shape. Beams extended from Megas, slamming into the ground in a way that they supported his weight and locked him into place. Clamps folded out from his legs, reinforcing the hold. Four giant claws folded from his back, meeting around the cannon. Chest panels linked up with the arms, forming a massive cannon. His back fins grew larger, glowing panels folding out as it extended. And a protective dome folded over Megas' head, protecting them.
Jamie looked back at Kiva. "I have no idea what he's about to do." She said shrugging.
"Well then this is probably not gonna end well." He deadpanned, tightening his seat belt.
Meanwhile, Devastator had been beefing his own robot up. The cape cannon was bigger and more impressive, and he also had anchors holding him in place. The air was filled with the sound of their weapons charging up, and energy crackled from them.
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" They both screamed, firing their lasers. The cannon blasts slammed into each other in the middle, the shockwave blasting everything close by into rubble. They fought for dominance, both side pushing but neither gaining much ground. The ground beneath them started tearing as the force pushed them apart.
Devastator growled, twisting the throttle even further. Coop did the same, pushing down on the pedal as hard as he could. His speedometer showed it pushing into the red. It was a race to see who's machine reached full power faster. Coop turned a dial and pushed the nitrous, both allowing him to finally reached the beginning of the redline. But Devastator managed to increase power too, matching him once more. Explosions filled the room around them.
"Coop, Megas can't take much more of this." Kiva warned him from the back, her holo screens showing a flashing red Megas.
"Oh, we're going to lose!" Nora wailed. Jamie grimaced, and looked at Coop. Then he looked down in confusion. Then at Coop. Then down again. Then at Coop again. Then down again.
"Hey, Coop?" He asked. Coop glanced at him. "Why is your parking brake on?" They all looked down. Sure enough, the parking brake was engaged.
Smiling, Coop pushed down with a lot of force. The speedometer went as far as it could, to a speed marked only as 'Ain't Enough Speed In the Universe Coop'. As awesome music blared in his imagination, Megas' cannon went into overdrive, firing a beam twice as big as it. It overwhelmed Devastator, eating his beam and sliding closer to him. His mecha was bending over backwards from the sheer thrust.
"No. No! NOOOO!" He could only scream, before the blast engulfed him and shredded out the other side of the factory. The wall closest to the core exploded, Jenny flying out through it and smiling. Coop folded up the cannon, and took off after her as the factory fell apart, smashing and destroying itself. They made it out through the new hole Coop made, and flew away as the factory exploded multiple times behind them.
The remains of the robot army down below looked up at the burning, exploding wreckage of the factory as it fell towards them. "Oh, there will be pain." One of them muttered.
Another one turned to his friend. "Frank. I just want you to know… I slept with your motherboard." And then the factory crashed on top of them and exploded again, a mushroom cloud forming and metal raining down around them.
"Wahoo!" Coop shouted, pumping his fist.
"Yes!" Jenny cheered.
Coop turned to the backseat. "So, Dr Wakeman. What did you think of my smooth operating?"
Nora blinked, fingers white from clutching the seatbelt. "Uhh… Did you have any idea what you were doing when you pushed those buttons?" She asked.
Coop thought about it for a moment. "…Does knowing they make cool explosions count?"
"In other words, he didn't." Kiva translated.
"Hey, we blew that guy up didn't we?" Jamie replied. "A win is a win." Coop landed back at the Monkey Burger, and Jenny landed next to them on Megas' shoulder.
"That was amazing." Jenny said excitedly. "We took down that whole factory together. And to think I first thought you were a bad guy when you first showed up."
Coop waved it off. "Ah, don't worry about it. It's happened more often than I'd like." The others hopped out after him, standing around the head.
Kiva turned to Nora, holding onto the wrecked navigational beacon. "So, you willing to help us fix this?"
"Hmm." Nora mulled, holding the busted device. "Very well. But I'm not doing this for free. I'd like to borrow some of your technology and implement it into XJ9. That is my price."
"Ooh, ooh, ooh." Jenny exclaimed, waving her hand in the air. "Can I make suggestions please? I wouldn't mind having the cannon. Or the Super Destructor Mode. Or maybe create energy weapons. Or how about…?
"I'll do the negotiation." Nora interrupted her. "But first… could someone get me down from here?"
"Protonic Synchronisation Wavelength Modifier?" Nora asked.
"Check." Kiva replied, placing down a long tube device.
"Radiological Transmitter?"
"Check."
"Cosmos Anti-Matter Detector?"
"Check." There was a loud boom, and everything in the room jumped into the air.
"…Mr Cooplowski acting like an imbecile again?"
Kiva sighed. "Check." There was now rhythmic thumping that went right through their bones. "And he's using the Jammer again."
"The what?" Nora asked in confusion
"Woo!" Coop shouted, strumming on a game guitar and pressing the buttons. Below, the students were dancing and rocking out as he played loudly. Coop was standing on a platform; Megas' chest, folded down to reveal a massive display of speakers and subwoofers. "Rock on!"
Jenny danced towards him, swinging her hips and throwing her hand into the air. "This is amazing Coop!" She shouted to be heard over the music. "You can have a party whenever you feel like it!"
"Yeah Coop! This is awesome!" Brad said, spinning near them. "You are now officially the coolest dude in school!" A bunch of people in swimsuits ran past them, diving off Megas to land in the pool they made below. Some others were jumping in, or throwing each other in down below. Jamie was off to the side, surrounded by school girls.
"Yeah, I taught Coop everything he knows." He was saying. "I'm pretty much his mentor. That badass combo where he rips a dude's arms off and then tears him in half? I taught him that." All the girls 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at that, chattering amongst themselves.
"Hey Coop. Think we can turn up the music?" Brad asked.
"Maybe. But it goes right up to weapon's grade stuff." He replied. Then he turned to the crowd below. "Hey everyone! Do you want to hear weapon's grade sound?"
"Yeah!" They all cheered. Coop shrugged, and turned the dial to 11,000. The speakers shook as they went all the way up, and the crowd silently cheered at the decibel levels. Over at the Wakeman house, Kiva and Nora pressed their hands to their ears as nearly every glass object in the house shattered.
Jenny opened her mouth, saying something. Coop leaned in, one hand to his ear. Jenny tried again, but he couldn't hear her. She tried a third time, but the only sound was the music. So she turned it down to a more manageable level.
"I think that's a little too loud!" She shouted at Coop.
"What!? Too loud!? Is that what you're saying!?" Coop shouted back.
"Yes!"
"Guess!? But I just did!" And then he started laughing.
Over at the Wakeman house, things were a little bit quieter. "…Ear plugs?" Nora asked.
"Check." Kiva sighed.
And so it was that for the rest of the week, Coop, Jamie, and Jenny and her friends used Megas to have some good fun. They used his shoulders to sunbathe. They used him to skip traffic. They used him to play pranks on the Crust Cousins. And the training fights. There was that time they had to stop so that Nora and Kiva could look through his different systems and abilities, but by and large they were busy working on the navigational beacon.
Right now, the six of them were inside Megas' secondary control, where Jenny was playing a game.
"Go up, go up!" Brad told her.
"Don't miss that power up!" Sheldon shouted.
"Use a smart bomb!" Tuck said.
Jenny was playing a side-scrolling game, where she was guiding a person through a bunch of asteroids. And she got points whenever she blew something up.
"Almost there… almost there…" She said to herself. "Just a little bit…" The field fell away, and cheerful music started playing. "Yes!" She cheered. "I got second place on the high score!"
"Great job Jenny." Coop congratulated her. "You did better than Kiva and Jamie together."
"Hey, we would've done better if she listened to me." Jamie retorted. Their cheering was interrupted by a ringing sound. Coop picked up the comm phone.
"Coop, where are you?" Kiva asked.
"Oh , you know. Hanging out. Playing video games. The usual stuff."
"Of course you are." She sighed. "We've repaired the Warp Navigational Beacon. Get back here so we can see if we can pinpoint our universe's location."
"Great. We'll be back in a jiff." He replied, hanging up. "We gotta head home now guys. Kiva and Nora are ready to try getting us home."
"Aw. But I like having you guys here." Tuck moaned.
"Hey, it shouldn't be that hard to pop on over whenever we feel like it." Jamie said. Everyone sat down on the seats arrayed before the TVs. Coop pushed a button, and the seats rose up into the head unit. Through the front window, they saw a massive carved path through a planet's ring.
"Do you think anyone's gonna mind we did this?" Brad asked.
"Eh, these things look better like this anyway." Jamie replied. Coop turned around and rocketed back to Earth, heading at near warp-speed. They arrived in only a few minutes, landing in Jenny's backyard. Nora and Kiva climbed up to them.
"Ok, we're hooked in." Kiva said, sitting in the back. "Now, we just need to run this through a complex algorithm to locate a possible destination."
"How long will that take?" Sheldon asked.
"If we're lucky… maybe sometime next week."
Coop groaned, leaning back in his seat. Then he glanced down at his odometer, and started tapping the glass. "That's funny. I'm pretty sure I haven't done that many light years so far." He pushed the button, but it wouldn't change. "Great. Now the odometer's broken. And why does it have it showing in groups of six digits? You'd think I've circled the galaxy four times in this thing." Kiva looked up at what he was complaining about, and then shoved her way forward to look at it. She quickly typed the numbers into her computer.
"…Coop, those are our home coordinates." She said, sounding annoyed. "You had them this whole time."
"Classic Coop." Jamie said, smirking. Kiva passed him the beacon, and he slotted it into its place.
"Alright everyone. It's time for us to go now." The others groaned, and filed out of Megas and down to the ground below. Jenny stopped and looked back at them.
"Will you ever be back?" She asked. Coop looked at Jamie and Kiva, and all of them shrugged.
"Maybe in a few months or something." He replied. "After all, we've got plenty of our own bad guys to kick around."
"Cool. Can't wait to see you guys again." She said gratefully, and then rocketed down. All of them waved, and Coop had Megas wave back. He pushed at the computer, and Megas glowed with bright light before vanishing, burning his footprints into a ground.
"Wonderful, wonderful." Nora said. "Now, let's hope they never come back."
"Mom!" Jenny whined.