Dear Commander Erwin Smith,
How are you? It has been exactly 42 days since we've last spoken. I assume it's because you've been terribly busy with whatever it is you're doing, wherever you may be. There's no need to worry as I'm obviously a kind man with a heart of gold, so I forgive you. Everything here is the same as when you left. It still rains every day in the evening and the puddles in the grass cause delightful, wonderful earthworms to appear on the patio. How lovely! Do let me tell you all the glorious details of my boring, mundane life, would you? So yesterday morning there were pink flowers I assume it's safe for me to be completely honest with you now since prying eyes would definitely have stopped reading my "boring, mundane" letter by now, right?
If people could be compared to dirt do you know what you would be, Erwin? You'd be the kind of disgusting oily dirt that sticks to plates. The type of dirt that can't be washed off easily; the type of dirt that sticks to your fingers when you try to clean it off and ends up pissing me everyone off. Because that's exactly what you're doing right now, you thunderous buffoon. It's been MORE THAN A MONTH since I've last heard ANYTHING from you and do you know how pissed off I am?! I can't sleep, I can't eat. The only thing I do is fucking clean the whole fucking house twice a day because I'm stressed like mad. Every day all I do is sweep and mop and dust and wipe and repeat and make sure that your huge bed and all your gigantic buffoon clothes are immaculately pressed and neat and for what?! For some gigantic bastard who won't even contact me, much less come home. I made your favorite potato leek soup and wasted 2 hours that could have been used to clean the whole kitchen a second time just to bake you a stupid baguette. Don't ask me why I did that because now I regret putting all that time and energy into making that meal just because I had a sudden stupid thought that maybe, just maybe, you'd finally come back.
But don't flatter yourself, Smith. You're not the only thing that's succeeded in pissing me off. When I came outside to wash your my clothes and found the slimy worms slithering all over my recently washed patio, I almost crushed all of them with the sole of my boot. But I thought otherwise and decided to move them into the vegetable garden instead. They'll help the potatoes grow better right? That way when you finally come back, I can make you more potato soup. You just have to come back soon that's all. Then again if you come back late it's still better than not coming back home at all, I suppose. Just make sure you like worms in your soup.
What exactly in God's name are you doing anyways? You never told me anything when you left. Are you off fighting another war like the one we fought against the Titans a couple of years ago? Or are you part of a secret devil's society doing nasty things to innocent people. For God's sake Erwin why did you even have to go? Worse, what right did you have to just leave me alone in this house when you were the one who asked me to move in with you? The house is cold and lonely without you and I can't believe I'm saying this but I'd prefer to stay in a dirty, moldy house with you rather than be alone in a clean one. But I don't miss you. I just miss having you at home to lift your gigantic furniture with your huge arms. There are other reasons why I miss your stupid arms but I'll save those for when you fucking come back home, you piece of shit.
When I was first told to write to this address to contact you, I couldn't believe it. It seemed too impossible, too stupid. Nevertheless, people end up doing crazy, unlikely things out of sheer desperation. I sincerely hope this letter will reach you and when it finally does, you'd better reply. I didn't move in with you just to be left alone all day. I agreed to move in with you because you promised that since we had finally succeeded in the extinction of the Titans, that would marked our happy ending. You promised that we could finally be happy together. Well it seems we have two problems, Commander Smith. Firstly, I am not the least bit "happy" without you. Second, if you're not here, how the fuck does that equal to us being together? Don't break promises Erwin or so help me I will break your dick in two the next time we have sex. Yes, you coming home soon entitles you to sex. I hope that finally caught your attention.
I still remember the last time we were together because you told me you loved me but I never replied. Well, I finally know what to say. I just want to say it in person, is that too much to ask? God, Erwin. Please don't do this to me. Even humanity's strongest soldier is able to feel the pain of heartache, do you know that?
Erwin,
Wherever you are, please don't forget me. Because I can bet that I will never be able to forget you. This "long distance" nonsense is killing me. I need you home. With me. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
Levi.
p/s: Come back soon because your soup's getting cold and you forgot to take your bolo tie with you. Can't imagine how you're going to look attractive without it. Then again maybe it's better to have you looking less handsome while you're away. I'd hate to get my fingers dirty with blood while slashing off the fingers of any whore who'd dare to touch my man.