Oh, The Horror

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor Soul Eater

Ah – alright, warnings: um…death threats? That's about it, I think.

Okay: this is just a stupid little offshoot from me main story, This Isn't Going to End Well (this'll probably make a lot more sense if you read that). This is the fiasco that is an attempt to Sort Kim and Jackie: Enjoy!

…

Kim stared at the Hat suspiciously.

The Hat stared right back.

Behind the raccoon-dog Witch, her Demon Weapon, Jackie, shifted uncomfortably.

It was Dumbledore who finally broke the awkward silence.

"Well, Miss Diehl?" he said. "Are you going to put on the Sorting Hat, or not?" Unspoken: Get on with it.

"Just a minute, just a minute," Kim said irritably, not breaking eye contact with the Hat. "I'm trying to figure out if it's going to blow up my head when I put it on."

"I assure you, Miss Diehl, that the Sorting Hat would do no such thing…"

"It's always the safe-seeming things that are the most dangerous," Kim said sagely. She paused. "And clowns. Clowns are just…no." she shuddered violently, and then went back to staring at the Hat.

Both girls had been transferred to the Burrow, home of the Weasley's, on account of Harry Potter staying in the same house. Apparently, he had been supposed to go to his Godfather's, but a last-minute change of plans (coupled with both girl's unexpected appearance) had forced the Order to adapt to the situation.

At the moment, Kim Diehl and her partner, Jaqueline O. Lantern Dupre, were being Sorted.

Kim was adamant that such a procedure wasn't necessary. She didn't exactly want some somehow-sentient being poking around her memories, sticking a label on her and then retaining that information for the rest of its period of sentiency.

She was Spartoi. She had secrets – some that she would die for.

So, no, she wasn't going to put on the damn Hat!

But Dumbledore insisted.

"Look," she said – again. "I'm not going to do this. I don't want to. I'm certainly not letting Jackie go through that. Now, do you want our help or not?"

"Your help wasn't requested," Dumbledore said.

"No, I'm sure it wasn't." Kim snapped. "This is the reason why I hate being around Witches," she added as an aside to Jackie. "They're so meddlesome." A pause. "I find it ironic that they're willingly trying to stop a war on this side of the world, while they couldn't give two figs about the Keishin destroying the earth. Maybe Kid's been a good influence on them."

"If Kid had his way, the whole world would be symmetrical," Jackie pointed out.

"He's gotten…better…sort of…" Kim said weakly.

"Girls!" Dumbledore said. "Concentrate! Miss Diehl, would you please put on the Hat?"

"No." Kim said sulkily. "I don't like it. It's looking at me funny."

"You were looking at it funny, first," Jackie pointed out.

"It was staring at me!"

"No it wasn't!"

"Girls!"

"Oh, shut it!" Kim snapped. "I'm not putting the damn Hat on. It's ugly, smelly, and it looks like it was made from a patchwork-quilt reject shop. It could give me nits."

Behind her meister, Jackie smirked.

"Now, for goodness sake, Miss Diehl, we need to Sort you! Otherwise, I can't allow you into my school!"

"So it's – what – a security check?"

"If it would help to think of it that way, than yes, it's a security check."

Kim's eyes hardened, and the grabbed Jackie's hand. "If that thing comes near me or my partner, I'll torch it." She said. "I don't know who you think you are, but if you don't trust the DWMA, I don't want anything to do with you."

Dumbledore looked mildly alarmed. "I don't understand why this is such a difficult thing for you to do." He said gently.

"You're kidding, right?" Kim laughed, moving back so that she stood just in front of Jackie. "This is mental magic. I don't trust it. How are we supposed to know that it hasn't been affected by the Madness? Things like that thing" – she pointed to the Hat with her free hand – "Retain the Keishin's wavelength pretty well. It's the magic in it. So, no, I don't trust anything that could have been affected by the Madness Wavelength. Now without Maka," she amended.

"I assure you, the Sorting Hat is completely safe…" Dumbledore said, a hint of warning in his voice.

"Not good enough!" Kim said shrilly.

Jackie suppressed a snort. All of Kim's points were valid – but that wasn't the reason that she was arguing so hard.

If Dumbledore wouldn't let them go to the school – well, there was really nothing they could do about that. They would have no choice but to return to active duty as members of the Spartoi, and students of the DWMA.

Unfortunate, that would be. Really.

So, despite Kim's outwardly outraged appearance, inside she could barely keep from giggling like Angela on sugar.

"The Sorting Hat is perfectly safe!"

"I don't think that it is!"

Dumbledore looked two-seconds from throwing a jinx at the racoon-dog Witch (which wasn't an uncommon reaction to Kim's presence), while Kim looked two-seconds from wearing a triumphant grin.

Both actions would not go over well with the other person, Jackie knew. She was going to have to do something to defuse the situation.

Fast.

"Um…" Problem was, she couldn't think of anything to suggest.

Both of them turned their attention over to her, and Jackie swallowed loudly in panic. Okay…so they weren't fighting any more.

What now?

"Could you just…lie?" Jackie asked tentatively, and then could have slapped herself. Oh, Death, Kim was going to be so mad at her.

Predictably, Kim's hand squeezed down on hers warningly.

"Lie?" Dumbledore paused.

"Nothing!" Jackie almost wailed. "I said nothing!" she tried taking a step back, but Kim was holding onto her hand like a vice, and she couldn't move without ripping her hand off her wrist. "Can I go, please?"

"Hold on a second, Ms. Dupre," Dumbledore sounded like he was actually considering it.

No, no, no…

"Oh, just put me on!"

Jackie's eyes widened, and instinctively she transformed into her Lamp form. Kim expertly balanced her, not at all startled by the sudden change from human to Weapon – in fact, it helped her concentrate, forcing her muscles to move in the familiar patterns so that she wouldn't drop Jackie.

"Kim!" Jackie hissed, staring at her Meister from her shiny-metal surface. "It talks!"

They had known, in an abstract way, that it was alive.

They hadn't realised that it could actually speak.

"Honestly," the Hat sniffed – well, sort of. It looked like the mass of leather and material had somehow inhaled and expanded, which wasn't exactly an attractive image. "Young people there days – no respect, Headmaster, none at all! If it were up to me…"

"You wouldn't have any more transfers*. Yes, I understand, Hat," Dumbledore said. "But these two girls are different. They were sent here by the Council of Witches – beings that are even more powerful than I."

The Hat paused, opening and closing its switched-in mouth like it was thinking hard. "Now that is very interesting," it said. "Very interesting indeed."

"It doesn't look mad," Jackie pointed out quietly from her Lantern.

"They never do," Kim muttered back. "Remember Justin?"

"Um…I'd rather not."

"I can hear you!" the Hat snapped. "Now hurry up and let me Sort you! I assure you, I am neither mad nor invasive! A simple scan of your mind for your personality, and I will announce your House, and you are done."

"No." Kim said stubbornly. In her hands, Jackie's lamp form vibrated with intensity.

"It is non-invasive, safe and fast. Really, young lady, I don't understand why you're holding back."

"I only have your insistence that this won't strip my mind and leave me a mindless zombie!" Kim snapped.

Dumbledore's eyes hardened. "Are you questioning my credibility?"

"YES!"

Dumbledore looked fairly shocked. Jackie didn't blame him; he didn't seem like the kind of person equipped to dealing with people like Kim.

Then again, no one was really equipped with dealing with Kim. Not even Jackie, most of the time.

"Am I going to have to contact with Witch's Council?" he asked with a sigh. "I'm sure that they could find a replacement…"

"NO!" Kim almost lunged forward to grab the Hat, eyes wide with what seemed like…panic? Jackie frowned, jumping out of Kim's grip – just as her Meister was about to drop her, actually – and transforming back into her human form.

Kim wasn't a fan of the Witch's Council – not after the whole near-execution thing – and had gone out of her way to avoid them wherever possible. Yes, the DWMA had started to patch things up with them; still, almost being sentenced to death kind of left a mark.

Kim was willing to go to Hogwarts at the insistence of the DWMA – albeit grudgingly.

She was not prepared to face the Witch's Council; not anytime soon, anyway.

With a scowl that promise death to Dumbledore should these next few seconds deviate in any way from what he had told her, Kim jammed the Hat onto her pink hair and braced herself. Jackie stood in front of her, hand clasped within Kim's, waiting for the instant to shift into a Weapon and incinerate the thing.

Well, well, well…A voice – was that a British accent? – echoed around her head. How very – interesting.

"Sort me or die," Kim said, not moving her eyes away from Jackie's.

You are very violent, the Hat mused, and don't have much sympathy for anyone. Least of all yourself.

"Of course not," Kim scoffed. "Now get on with it!"

Now, now – no need to be touchy. I'll just…Kim could feel it begin to flip through her memories.

"HOLD UP!" she slammed her magic down on her mind, forcing the Hat out. At the same time, Jackie yanked the Hat off her Meister's head and threw it across the room, eyes blazing with real fire in a partial-transformation.

"What is it?" Dumbledore hurried over to the Hat and picked it up carefully, dusting if off.

"Slytherin," the Hat coughed out. "Certainly Slytherin. Without a doubt. Her mind it too analytical – too ambitious – too greedy for any other House,"

Dumbledore gave her a steady, considering look.

"You broke away from our deal," Kim said. "You said that it wasn't invasive. That it was just a quick skim to test my personality. You went through my memories." Real rage twisted on her face. "I have important information. My loyalty is not to you, or to this school – it's to Jackie and the DWMA. Put me in a position that could compromise them, and I will be forced to kill you."

It wasn't a threat, Dumbledore saw, it was a promise.

"I still don't get why we're going to be Sorted, anyway."

Dumbledore and Kim looked over to Jackie, whose eyes were still blazing.

"Um…there's nothing flammable in here, is there?" Kim glanced around; taking note that there was not a fire extinguisher or sprinkler in sight.

Cool. The house was going to burn down. Just what they needed.

"I don't understand your question, Miss Dupre," Dumbledore said.

"Well…we're going to be in Gryffindor anyway, aren't we?"

"Why?" Kim demanded.

"Well…we're going to have to be in the same House as Harry, right? Otherwise how are we going to protect him?"

Kim stared at her. Dumbledore stared at her.

Jackie paused. Perhaps they hadn't thought of that.

She winced as Kim's shout echoed through their ears:

"WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT BEFORE?!"

…

* A reference to my Sorting Hat series! :) Go check it out and review to your heart's content (on that note: I'm almost finished for the final chapter for 'Woes'. I know, I know, what I've written so far is small and sucky…I'm just trying to figure out a few things). I'd prefer to focus on 'This Isn't Going To End Well' (at the moment, it's my favourite).

Author's Note: okay, so I know that this might be a bit disappointing. It's basically just a drabble about what would Kim's reaction be to the Sorting Hat. If I feel like it, maybe I'll do a Soul Eater oneshot as part of my 'Sorting Hat' series. We'll see!

Oh! Jackie would have been in Hufflepuff: I mean, she left the DWMA for Arachnophobia for Kim. You really can't get much more loyal than that.

Still, I'd love to hear anyone's view on where the SE cast should go! (Maybe I'll do one for SE Not!, too… but first I'll have to get further into 'This Isn't').

Please review!