When It's Over, a xena: warrior princess fanfic

When It's Over

by Xebbie

Timeline: Post "Fallen Angel"
Rating: PG, 'cause it's a bit on the dark side and it has a dirty wordie.
Pairings: None, but Joxer is in love with Gabrielle.
Spoilers: Potentially anything up to FA.
Warning: Emo. :D
Notes: This is the first in a series of fics I'm trying to do based on the episodes of "Xena" season 5. If my attention span holds out, I'll have at least one for nearly every episode (I do plan on skipping a couple, namely "Married With Fishsticks"). They're all quick, and for the most part just exploring within canon rather than expanding outside it. Hope you like; feedback is awesome. :)

It was freezing outside. It had felt freezing inside, but there was no better way than stepping out into the snow to make him feel like he'd just left a nice cozy room with a fire going instead of a huge abandoned temple.

Inside, the skin on his arms had prickled until it ached; out here his skin felt nothing, the ache was in his bones. He crossed his arms and rubbed them, wondering how it was that Amarice could wear about half of what he had on and look as if she were completely at ease. Eli had long robes on but still, how was he not freezing? Joxer wondered if there was something the matter with his body, something that made it impossible for him to retain heat.

But he'd had to come outside, because they were in there. Xena and Gabrielle. They were in there, and they were...

They were alive.

When they'd been dead he couldn't stop looking at them. It hurt so much to look that he'd become addicted to it and he kept turning back the sheets that covered them to get one last look, over and over and over. He had to keep looking at Gabrielle, to memorize her face, and then to check and make sure that he'd memorized it properly, to be absolutely positive that he'd remember ever detail for the rest of his life.

And now they were alive again, he wasn't even thinking about how, he'd think about that later; but there they were, and he could hardly look at them at all.

He'd come outside because he'd had the overwhelming sense that they needed a little time just to themselves. They looked overwhelmed, which he guessed they had a right to be, and so far they hadn't even spoken to anyone but each other and hadn't really even looked at anybody else, except Gabrielle, who had looked at him - into him. He'd left because they needed a few moments to themselves, and also because if he hadn't left he'd end up doing again what he'd just done - doing something he couldn't explain, couldn't hide or disguise.

He felt less cold now, which was probably not a good thing, but it was a relief. He let out a huge sigh, breathing out everything of the past day, releasing it to the heavens.

Thank the Gods. Thank the Gods...

Joxer had never been a man to feel devotion to much of anything; he lived his life, had few people supporting him and even fewer who were happy to see him coming, and there had never been all that much to be devoted to. Until four years ago, until Xena; then Xena and Gabrielle; then, increasingly, Gabrielle, and Xena.

And now? Now, he was damned if he was going to let them out of his sight, at least until he was sure that they were both really, truly okay. He was going to take care of them and they'd have to physically restrain him to stop him.

Gabrielle. The skin of her arm, with just the faintest hint of warmth returning to it. Her eyes, full of sadness and confusion and wonder, disbelief even, he wasn't sure what that look had meant, but did it matter? It didn't matter, because she was alive to look at him. He closed his eyes now and tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

A footstep at his left announced another presence, and when Joxer whipped his head to look he found Eli leaning unsteadily against the wall. Eli gave a huge, weary sigh, even larger than the one Joxer had given a few moments ago, and sagged against the temple's wall.

The silence hung between them, and finally Joxer broke it awkwardly. "Y'okay?"

"Mm." Eli nodded without opening his eyes. "Are you?"

Not especially, thought Joxer, but decided not to answer. "That... how'd you... how'd you do that?"

"I had help," Eli said softly. "A woman... a golden-haired woman. She had wings, and she glowed. She gave me her strength."

That sounded nuts. Joxer had a very hard time believing it, but then again, why not? Eli had just literally brought two people back to life, healed every injury they had, and pretty much made Joxer's life whole again in the process. "Wow," he said, at a loss for any other reply. "Sounds... cool."

Eli opened his eyes, looking exhausted, and turned them directly onto Joxer. "Are you alright?" he asked again, his voice betraying that he absolutely knew the answer already.

Joxer's throat closed unexpectedly. Frowning, he looked away and nodded, pursing his lips, trying to look like he was just considering the question and that was why he wasn't answering. Then he shrugged, still nodding, and managed a tight, "I dunno." That wasn't what he'd meant to say.

There was the touch of a hand on his shoulder, and Eli said gently, "Would you like to talk? Or do you want a few moments to yourself?"

"Iiiiii, uhhhh..." He exhaled, hoping this would get rid of the tightness in his throat and his chest, but no such luck. Joxer pressed his lips together, hung his head, breathed deeply, did every single thing he could to keep from crying and it didn't work. It was the end of a long day, and he should be happy, he shouldn't be crying now, he'd cried enough all night; but there it was, it happened anyway.

"I'll go tell them you're out here," Eli said quietly, and he managed to do it in a way that made Joxer feel grateful and not at all embarrassed, which was amazing.

"If they - if they ask, tell them... Tell them I..." Joxer said, and paused. Eli waited. Joxer sniffed, and with a shrug said, "Make something up. Tell 'em I said it."

Eli nodded, and was gone in a second.

Joxer crouched against the wall and let himself sob, in a way he hadn't when he'd seen them on the crosses, in a way he couldn't when he'd taken them down, in a way he only could allow now that he knew it was over.

End

Notes the second: So this came about mainly because I rewatched "Fallen Angel" for the first time in years, and Joxer is amazing in it. It's one of the few times - and I say this as a devoted fan of the character - that he is a *real* character with real emotions and not just a caricature.

"Tell them I said it" comes from Buffy, but I didn't write it to intentionally reference that line, it just popped into my head as something Joxer would say and then I thought "Wait, 'Buffy' did that first. OH well." I tell you, I steal *everything*. :P

I'm always a bit leery of making Joxer cry in fics, but I think as an emotional release after this it makes sense, hopefully this works and isn't too ... I dunno, soppy. :P