I must be more of a masochist than I give myself credit for. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I've decided to murder myself by reviewing the god-awful fanfiction "My Immortal." Now, this isn't the most horrible fic out there. Believe me, there are far, far worse out there. However, this is the most famous of the badfics out there and I'm jumping on the bandwagon and reviewing it. Fuck…... If I survive this, I'm finding the nearest bottle of alcohol to drown my sorrows in.
So, to make my suffering much shorter, I'm reviewing five chapters at a time. My comments will be in [bracketed bolded italics] to make it a little easier to understand who's saying what. Though in all honesty, if you can't tell my phrasing from Tara's…., I must be much worse at grammar than I thought. My job here is to pick apart Tara's plot holes, lapses in logic, and general raping of canon (the little that I know). I will not tackle the grammar or spelling errors because I want to keep as much sanity as possible by the end of this clusterfuck. I do reserve the right to poke fun at some particularly bad pieces of spelling and grammar violation.
With much cringing and utter hatred, this is My Immortal.
Chapter 1.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) [Jesus fuck, that makes no sense! Can you tell me when in the hell being gothic, I'm sorry, goffik, required having fangs. Also, when did fangs become a synonym for thanks? We're only two sentences into this fic, people. Pray for my sanity because I can hear it oozing out of my ears already] 2 my gf (ew not in that way) [This is where I start getting pissed. Because as you can see later in this story, this comment is horribly hypocritical. But no spoilers just yet.] raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. [This story was edited? Oh god why…..] U rok! Justin [Bieber? Because that would make a lot of sense.] ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! [Panic! At The Disco is awesome! Wait, are we not yelling random band names?]
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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way [What the ever-loving fuck? Good god, who names their kid Dark'ness Dementia? The apostrophe is completely unnecessary in Dark'ness and isn't dementia is a disease? Were her parents high? …This story makes so much more sense.] and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) [No, it wasn't. I had a full head of black fuzz as a baby. You can't tell me you had long hair when you were born.] with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears [Limpid means clear, damn it] and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) [Fucking hell, I love Amy Lee. Do not shame her name by your shitty fiction, bitch. Goddamnit, that means I have to stay here. Fuck.]. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie [Because, you know, incest is suddenly ok!]. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white [Because vampires have neon blue crooked teeth]. I have pale white skin [Doesn't that come with the territory of being a vampire?]. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England [Scotland, goddamnit. I've never even really been into Harry Potter and even I know where Hogwarts is!] where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) [No dipshit]. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) [No, seriously, I could not tell. There is no hints or set-up. Vampires aren't necessarily gothic and I like Amy Lee and Gerard Way. God know I'm not gothic, so how could I tell?] and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic [Honey, you do realize that Hot Topic ain't the place for the stuff you wear right? I mean, I have never seen half of the objects you describe at the fucking place!] and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing [Ok, I'm going to stop you right there. The author, Tara, has this disgustingly infuriating belief that long-winded discussions about clothes are ok. Furthermore, she does this for every single fucking outfit that she puts on in this goddamn fic. So, this is just a taste, a morsel really, of the obnoxious descriptions in this.] a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. [Wait, wasn't the school uniform from Hogwarts scholarly robes. Why the hell is she dressing like a whore? Where are the pissed off teachers?] I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation [Wait, if you are already "pale white," redundancy at its best, why do you need white foundation?], black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining [That's called sleet, damnit!] so there was no sun [Oh really now?], which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. ["Who let the whore in here and why is she not wearing the uniform?" "Fuck if I know."] I put up my middle finger at them. [Aren't you the charmer?]
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. [Ellipsis do not add suspense!] Draco Malfoy!
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly. [Once again, I know nothing of Harry Potter, but even I know that Draco Malfoy is not shy! It's Draco Fucking Malfoy, he eats shyness for breakfast!]
But then, I heard my friends call me [You have friends?]and I had to go away.
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AN: IS it good? [In a word, no. Fuck no. This story is an abomination. If I ever see you open a Word document ever again, I will have to eliminate you from this earth.] PLZ tell me fangz!
Chapter 2.
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! [Once again, I shudder in abject terror to think about what the original looked like] BTW preps stop flaming ma story [Sweet! Since I'm not a prep, I can flame all I want!] ok!
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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. [Instead of, say, the closet. Don't remind me of the time I woke up in the bathtub.] It was snowing and raining again. [Sleet, damn you, sleet!] I opened the door of my coffin [Coffin? Honey, don't shame Dracula with this shit.] and drank some blood from a bottle I had. [You know, because her room obviously has the right refrigeration to store blood.] My coffin was black ebony [Ebony is black, you moron!] and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin [You only just NOW got out of your coffin?!] and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears [If you're putting earrings on, it's safe to assume your ears are pierced.], and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. [What do you mean "a kind of messy bun?" Are there more than one kind of messy bun? Is the bun half messy? What are you talking about?!]
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! [Number one, self-inserts usually suck ass and it's not a good idea to let people know that a character is a self-insert as it usually involves near automatic hatred and shunning. Number two, why did you put an author's note there? It disturbs the flow of the story and it's awkward.]) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. [You're telling me this bimbo grinned at you, flipped her hair, and then opened her eyes. That's not normal. No, that's fucking scary!] She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) [Nobody cares! And you still don't need fucking foundation, you're already white! Powder I can understand, but not foundation! God.]
"OMFG [Goffik, my ass.], I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.
"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. [No need to shout, lady]
"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
"Hi." he said.
"Hi." I replied flirtily. [Flirtily is not a word. It's flirtatiously, damnit.]
"Guess what." he said.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. [Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't Wizards and Muggles have nothing to do with each other? Why is a Muggle band playing at the biggest Wizard city in Great Britain?]
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. [Fuck it, I call utter bullshit on the idea that these bimbos are gothic, sorry, goffik. Hell, my prep friends; cheerleaders, love Twilight and Justin Bieber, etc.; have nothing on this bitch.]
"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.
I gasped. [Worst attempt at suspense ever!]
Chapter 3.
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! [NEVER!] odderwize [What?] fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! [There were good reviews? Well, the little faith I had in humanity has just been shattered.] FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. [You better not fucking own the lyrics. And look, this is so bad Tara denies even writing the damn thing!]
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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff [Ahem, don't you mean ribbon lacing and lace?]on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. [Matching? With what? The dress, the shoes, the ceiling, Snape's hair? Explain!] I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. [You know what? Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you. Cutting is not this fucking trivial thing you make it out to be. You do not cut yourself because you "felt a little depressed." People die from this shit because they cannot take living in this goddamn world. And I will be damned if I let you slide with this. Cutting is serious. Personally, you need to get out and really know what the hell you are doing. It is not cool and you are not a hard-ass for thinking that cutting is ok. It is not. So, fuck you Tara.] I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding [On another note, vampires can't fucking bleed!] and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. [Not just the average amount of eyeliner, that's for posers. We got TONS of eyeliner] Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. [Oh NOW you say you're too pale] I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. [Correct if I'm wrong, but didn't the Weasley family have the only flying car? How the hell did Draco get it? Did he just walk up to the dad and say, "Yo Weasley, I got a bitch to please. Can I use your car?"] He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner [Jesus fuck, what the hell did you do to Draco? If you replaced the name with Gary Stu, I don't think any of us could tell who he originally was!] (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) [The hell is this chick saying?].
"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.
"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz [Yeah, so I researched the car. It's a goddamn Ford Anglia. Where the hell did Draco get a fucking Benz from? If you are going to be improbable, have the decency to research your shit.] (the license plate said 666) [Satanists don't kiss the devil's ass this much!] and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. [Such good role models for our youth] When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). [No dipshit, it makes grammatical sense. It can't be you.]
"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. [Wow, you're a bitch. Tell the guy you like the man on stage is hot. That's intelligent.]
Suddenly Draco looked sad. [Gee, I wonder why?]
"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. [YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!]
"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.
"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. [Ok, what did Lizzie McGuire do to you? She was a pretty pleasant person. Also, how the hell can a face be blond?]
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz [Alcohol's a bitch, ain' it? Why are you driving drunk, by the way?], but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… [Ellipses aren't SUSPENSEFUL!] the Forbidden Forest!
Chapter 4.
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY [So her name's Enoby, eh?] nut mary su [Believe me, we know her name's not Mary Sue. We're saying she is a Mary Sue. The two are completely different] OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! [Ladies and gentlemen, the primary trait of a Mary Sue. God, Tara's an idiot.] dey nu eechodder b4 ok! [I'm not even going to address this confusing mass of cattle dung.]
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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"[That's actually a decent question. What are they doing in the Forbidden Forest? Any forest named "Forbidden" is bound to have some freaky creatures tearing through the premises.]
Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. [You keep saying Draco and Enoby walked out of the flying car. But you never say that they landed first… Well, now I have a precious mental image of these two falling out of a car and dying of the impact. Such good thoughts.]
"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. [Legit question.]
"Ebony?" he asked.
"What?" I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) [Why? Can't he just use a spell and change his eye color? And for that matter, why is Draco changing his eye color? Is he complying as a Goff?] which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. [Wait, depressing sorrow and evilness halts your irritation? What? That makes no sense! That's like cooing over a psychopath after he went on a killing streak.]
And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. [Ok, how the hell do you make out keenly? Seriously, I'd like to know. The only possible definition the dictionary gives is animated by or showing strong feeling or desire. But that implies making out can be passive and- FUCK IT, THIS HURTS MY BRAIN TOO MUCH] He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. [Well, gee, it's almost like sex usually require nudity!] Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. [… Jesus Christ. This is the worst lemon I've ever seen. Do you not have the balls to say penis and its variants or vagina and its variants? If you aren't mature enough to say the words, don't write a sex scene.]
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. [Most passive orgasm I've ever read] We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" [Best. Line. Ever. I don't even care how bad the rest of this story is. I want this on a t-shirt.]
It was….Dumbledore! [Rock on, old man. Rock on.]
Chapter 5.
AN: STOP flaming! [Not going to happen even if you said please.] if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! [Better than being goffik] Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache [Migraine, understandable. Headache, bullshit] ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! [Not going to lie, that is a pretty good reason to swear] PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! [Oh thank god, that's never going to happen!]
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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. ['Shawty got lower than I ever really thought she could. Face down, ass up! The top of your booty's jiggling out yo jeans, Baby, pull your pants up!' Couldn't resist]
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. [That's not healthy for a vampire or human.] Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. [Holy shit, these guys are in character!]
And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" [BULLSHIT! And that's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard! Goodbye, my in-character friends. Perhaps we may meet again in happier fics.]
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." [Well, now I know how to get out of any trouble. "Why did you kill twenty women?" "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" "Let the man go! He loved them!"]
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.
"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. [Number One, don't care. Number Two, who wears heels to bed, especially when said bed is a coffin?] When I came out….
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, [That's not a flattering song, damnit.] even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
Thank fuck, it's over! This was a stupid ass beginning and it's only going to get stupider. Jesus. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to grab a few aspirin and curl under my bed for a couple hours.
~kbomb234 out