Only if For a Night
"Dean," Castiel said, "I would like to make love to you."
Dean spit his drink out, narrowly missing the book he was currently leafing through.
"Cas, what the hell?"
"I said I would…"
"Yeah, I heard that. 's just that I wasn't prepared for it. Well," Dean continued, "not that I haven't thought of it, it was just, you know…"
Castiel cocked his head to the side, the way he does when he doesn't understand what's going on (which is still often, but not quite as often as before). Dean sighed, unsure as to how he would explain this to the angel. Cas wasn't stupid, he just didn't understand things the way humans did.
"I want you to be comfortable when we decide to do it Cas. Do you get what I mean?"
Castiel cocked his head even more to the side, causing Dean to sigh again and rub his face with his hands.
"I do not understand. Why are you sighing Dean?"
"Cas, what I'm trying to say is that I want you to be comfortable when we'll have sex. I know almost nothing about how sex between two guys work, and it doesn't seem comfortable. I don't want to hurt you."
"Then what do you propose Dean?" Castiel asked, his head now back in its normal position, brows furrowed.
"I don't know Cas. Maybe… Nah. Forget it."
"Dean. Please tell me. I want to help." Cas sounded like he really meant it, so Dean voiced his stupid idea, but only because this was Cas, his beautiful Cas.
"It's a stupid idea, and I get it if you don't want to. Hell, I'm not sure I want to." Dean took a deep breath and tried to meet Castiel's eyes. "I thought that maybe if you, uhm, changed vessel from Jimmy to a woman… If that's even possible…?"
Castiel's brows were still furrowed, but he looked thoughtful, considering. As Dean turned back to his beer, he heard the sound of wings, indicating Cas had left. He took a long swig and put the bottle down, shaking his head.
"Stupid idea Winchester," he muttered to himself, getting out of the chair to find something to mop up the spilt beer with.
Dean didn't hear from Cas for three days. He was on his way to bed when he heard the flapping of wings behind him.
"Cas, thank God. I'm sorry I…." He stopped short when he turned around and got a look at the woman standing there. It was dimly lit, but he could see that her hair was dark and put up in a messy bun. She wore a black pencil skirt, white blouse, dress jacket and… Cas's trenchcoat?
"Cas?"
"Hello Dean." The voice was lilting and definitely female, but she sounded so much like Cas that Dean was dumbstruck. Then she moved closer to Dean, and he could see the eyes which resembled Castiel's, but were just a shade off. She cocked her head to the side in a motion that practically yelled Castiel, and Dean was in front of her in an instant, hazel eyes searching blue for recognition.
And it was Cas, it really was.
"What..?"
"I did as you wanted Dean. Are you not pleased?" Cas sounded worried, her eyes furrowed.
"I'm.. I just.. I don't know what to say." Dean stared at her. "It's really you, isn't it?"
"Yes, it's me," Castiel replied, a small smile at her lips.
Reaching out a hand, Dean placed it on her cheek, drawing her lips towards his own. Kissing Castiel felt different. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't as he thought it would be either. Kissing Cas the first time had been very different, but it had felt so good. This was just strange.
He wondered if he could do this.
When Dean kissed her next, he imagined kissing Castiel's chapped lips, tried to imagine the ever present scruff and the taste of him. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't. So he started by freeing her hair, letting it fall down her back like a waterfall and then traced her body, letting his hands roam over the hourglass curves.
But it all felt wrong. This body wasn't Cas, this was some unknown woman he had never seen before and hoped he'd never see again. He knew Castiel was inside, knew Castiel had control of the mind and body of the female standing in front of him. But it wasn't Cas. No matter how much he tried to tell himself that it was Cas responding to his touches and Cas looking at him through those eyes, it wasn't him.
So Dean backed away, causing Castiel to frown and cock her head to the side.
"I can't. I'm sorry Cas, but this isn't right. This isn't you. I know you're in there, but it feels wrong. I'm in love with your soul, your personality, but I've come to love your body as well. I fell in love because of you being who and what you are, and you're a dude.
Cas, I'm sorry, I shouldn't've considered this at all. Could you please change back, for me?"
Her face was unreadable, and so was her voice when she replied. "For you, Dean." Wings flapped and Castiel was gone.
When Dean woke the next morning, Cas was sitting on his, no, their bed, looking at him.
"Hi Cas. Welcome back."
Castiel took that as an invitation to join him, and laid down next to Dean. Relief washed through Dean when he was finally, at last, able to kiss Cas again. Scruffy Cas with chapped lips and a distinct male scent.
Relief turned into want and lust and before they knew it, they were both naked on the bed, tangled together.
There was no fear and no worries and no uncertainties, just love and trust.
When they woke later that day, they were both a little sore, but content and relieved it had happened as it had. Their first time together couldn't have gone better, and that, more than anything, was proof of how much they not only loved, but trusted the other man.