I should be hanged for laws agains humanity. A few days ago SelanP posted a picture on her devArt account. It depicted Peasley and Daisy fighting over Luigi. It inspired this story. I'm so sorry.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They belong to Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto. Characters may be a bit OOC. Suggestions for improvement encouraged.
Love and War
Luigi had an idea.
It was somewhat devious, but it just might work. And if it did, this war would be over.
He paused his laundry-hanging for a moment and took a look around. Mushroom Kingdom looked rather peaceful, though some of the citizens worried about family and friends in Sarasaland and Beanbean Kingdoms. Just under a year ago, King Peasley of Beanbean Kingdom declared war on Sarasaland (Queen Bean had recently died of a heart attack. Obesity was deemed the cause). As of now, they were embroiled in bitter battle.
Ironic, Luigi had to admit. The fighting made it difficult for him to visit Daisy, Sarasaland's princess, and the reason Peasley had begun his campaign against the country. Sort of. The reason was her involvement with Luigi… which Peasley wanted to end… immediately.
You see, some time before this war started, Luigi and his brother, Mario, had saved Beanbean from a villainous witch and her young toady. In that time, he and Peasley had crossed paths several times, and Peasley had become somewhat, shall we say, taken with the younger mustachioed brother, throwing him a rose and other such trinkets. Peasley was nice and all… but Luigi just didn't swing that way.
Unfortunately for Peasley, Luigi already had a significant other in Daisy. And unfortunately for Daisy, Peasley was not one to give up the fight so easily. And the war began.
Now, Luigi had been planning on being king of Sarasaland in a few years, once it was safe to settle down without koopas and boos and others threatening all the time. But now that he thought about it, Luigi had an idea. And that idea was that he could be king of both Sarasaland and Beanbean Kingdoms; king of his own empire.
Oh, what an idea!
My dearest Peasley,
I've been blind, my love! I realize now that the bounty of my affection was plundered by you when we met! Alas! The Princess of Sarasaland holds me captive as her own. I fear she would attack my homeland if I were to abandon her. My love! You must come to my aide! I wish to be yours and yours alone! But, because of my plight and the threat to my homeland, I must ask you; abduct me like you abducted my heart. Then can we join in matrimony and lead your people to victory as man and husband. For my safety, though, this must remain our secret, lest Sarasaland become alerted to our ruse. I await my deliverance.
Tenderly,
Luigi Mario
Yeah, he figured that whole "alas" and "wherefore" deal would get Peasley. It took one short week before the bean king came to his "rescue." The wedding was planned for the following week. It was to be quite a relatively quiet affair. Something big would surely draw Sarasaland's attention, and, as far as he knew, they had avoided that thus far. He'd surprised Mario and Peach with another trip to Isle Delfino and told Daisy that he was going with them. She fell for it.
One last thing to take care of.
"Hey, Peasley?"
"Yes, love?" Peasley said in the gooiest voice possible.
"I think I need to take a trip back to Mushroom Kingdom before the wedding."
"Whatever for!" Peasley exclaimed, alarmed.
"Oh, I just really want my toolbox. There are some pipes here driving me crazy, and I really can't do anything without my lucky tools."
"Luigi, we have servants to take care of the plumbing," Peasley said, laughing behind his hand. "There's no need for you to ever plug a leak again."
"But-!" and Luigi put on his very best betrayed face. "Plumbing was my life! You would rob me of that joy! You don't love me after all! I don't know why I asked you to kidnap me!" And he blubbered noisily (but dryly) into his white gloves.
"Ah! I'm so sorry! I should have known! What a foolish fiancée I've been to deprive you of that thing you love!" Peasley exclaimed, ashamed of himself. "Plumber of my heart, we shall take you to your pipe house so that you may retrieve your lucky tools!"
"Actually, it would probably be better if I went alone. Might arouse suspicion and stuff if I went with a bunch of Beanbean soldiers. I'll just sneak on over there by myself. I'll be back in a few days."
"Good luck, dearest! I pray you'll be safe." Luigi was halfway out of the room by then. "I LOVE YOU!"
"Yeah, later."
One time Luigi was looking through a box of mementos. In there he found a picture he'd drawn as a toddler. It was of the basement of Peach's and it showed him and a baby Mario buying badges from a bean that looked suspiciously like Cackletta's toady, Fawful. He had wondered where the kids had found those. After grabbing his lucky tools from home, Luigi made his way to Peach's Castle and made his way directly to the basement, encountering no one on the way (he'd never noticed how bad their security was before).
Below the castle, Luigi found a set of footprints: jackpot. He followed them all the way to a grate and used his pliers to cut the bars. Following the pipes therein, Luigi discovered the hidden shop Fawful tended in the sewers. And there was the proprietor of said shop. Boy, he didn't look happy to see Luigi.
"The green! It puts the fog of rage in my eyes!" he shouted, leaping onto the counter and pointing a single green finger at Luigi.
"Hey, Fawful."
"You have the timing of much fortunateness! I am just having completion of a device that will make with your undoing!" He withdrew from his cloak a rather frightening sort of weapon. Luigi didn't want to know what it did… right then anyway. "You have entered upon your doom! Green is the color of stupid, it has seemingness!"
"Your whole body is green. But that would make sense, if you're going to shoot me without hearing what I have to say."
Luigi left Fawful's shop about ten minutes later and returned to Beanbean Kingdom. He may or may not have convinced Fawful not to attack King Peasley after their wedding or be take revenge on the older Mario brother and Princess Peach or to take control of the Delfino Isles and Mushroom Kingdom. Fawful was psychotic though. Who knew what he might do?
It was an absolutely beautiful wedding if you could get past how insanely creepy it was. It was all Peasley could do to stay off of Luigi until the "I do"s. He didn't make it through "You may now kiss the groom." Luigi made it up to his mouth later by scrubbing it down with alcohol. Well, it wasn't so much "scrubbing" as it was "guzzling down" to erase the memory from his mind. Champagne was close enough to cleaning alcohol he supposed.
"At last! Now that the vows have been exchanged, we can finally consummate our love!" Peasley declared that night in the bedroom. Luigi had been apologizing to his mouth all afternoon. Those words sobered him right up though.
"Well, actually, Pea—," the idea of a pet name just got Peasley more excited, "—there's a tradition in the Mario family. Yeah, generations old. Newlywed Marios aren't allowed to have sex until a month after the wedding." Peasley's face fell.
"Oh… well, I suppose if it is tradition…" he said. "I suppose we'll just have to wait then."
"Thanks for understanding, Pea." The pet name still excited Peasley. He excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Luigi alone. So this was what it was like to be noticed? Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he didn't talk Fawful out of attacking the Delfino Isles. If Mario were gone, he'd be free to rise to superstardom. It was an idea.
Peasley was boring Luigi with war tactics. The figurines on the scaled battlefield would probably explode if he used his thunderbrand. As he contemplated this tiny blast, a major blast erupted overhead, filling the room with smoke and debris. "The Sarasalanders have attacked! How did they get here without our knowledge?!" Peasley exclaimed
"You will have wishing that the Landers of Sarasa were making this explosion that was caused by none other than the great Fawful!" came a voice from the haze.
"That voice sounds awfully familiar. I wonder who it is?" Peasley pondered.
"I will collapse your soufflé of happiness with the loud baking timer of my triumph before you are knowing who it is that has defeating you." Suddenly a blast shot out and struck Peasley.
"I am hit!" Peasley cried out. Luigi "rushed" to his side. "My love, I fear my time is nigh! I shall surely perish!"
"I have victory!" The smoke cleared and they saw Fawful hovering overhead with the aid of his headgear.
"Fawful-!" Peasley gasped and fell limp.
"Guards! They killed my husband! Capture him!"
"Ha-ing! The attempts that you make are like the efforts of many flies drawn to the bug zapper!" He shot at the guards. Suddenly he was knocked to the ground by a blow the head; Luigi had leapt up for the attack. "Traitor of betrayalness! I will have more revenging on your mustache!" Fawful needed to shut up. Luigi sent a powerful shock through his headgear, causing it to electrocute and incapacitate the bean. "You… have… much underhandedness… cough!"
The guards quickly surrounded Fawful and removed all of his weapons. "What should we do with him?" one soldier asked, cuffing the smaller bean.
"He has killed the kingdom's only legitimate ruler. I want to see him refried!"
"Revenging shall be mine!" Fawful screamed as he was dragged away. "I was being promised the mustache of the jumping hammer as well as rulership of the Kingdom of Mushroom!"
"Poor little lunatic," one soldier muttered.
Lady Lima approached Luigi. "The king is dead. As his husband, rule of the kingdom falls to you," she informed him.
"I couldn't. This is my husband's country; I am not even a bean." No one would have doubted his remorse.
"I know it is difficult, but our country needs a leader-," Lady Lima said.
"I said I couldn't. I didn't say I wouldn't."
Luigi was in a peace meeting with Daisy. It was lunch time. He took a bite out of his burrito.
Luigi's first action as the King of Beanbean was to enter a peace treaty with Sarasaland. His late husband had been an advocate of love, and so it seemed wrong to be at war. He cried when he addressed the beanish people. They could tell he missed Peasley and that he was lonely. So they rejoiced when they found that the new peace allowed a romance to blossom between their beloved king and the princess of their former opponent. They enjoyed peace over war so much that there was much celebrating when an engagement was announced that would unify the two kingdoms.
Wow. Who would have thought timid Luigi, the younger brother whose name folks struggled to remember, would become ruler of an empire. Better than that, who would suspect that it had all been through his own underhandedness? No one. Luigi was known to be smart, but not shrewd, and he was notoriously wimpy. As everyone stated after they toasted to him, "Good things happen to good people. Gulp!"
"I know what you did, Luigi," Mario said. Luigi sat on a throne that had been set up in a tent on the edge of the Beanbean Kingdom and Sarasaland. He was overseeing the construction of a new castle so that they could rule from the middle of their kingdom. He had thought of everything.
"What did I do, Mario?"
Mario held up a child's drawing. It was of the basement of Peach's and it showed him and a baby Mario buying badges from a bean that looked suspiciously like Cackletta's toady, Fawful. Luigi hadn't thought of everything. "I always wondered where the kids found those," Mario said.
"Where did you find that?"
"Back home, in your room, next to the closet where you used to keep your lucky tools. I notice you did some work in Peach's basement," Mario said. All kinds of thoughts were running through Luigi's head. He didn't realize he knew such complex blasphemies! "Luigi, you're no better than those villains we constantly save the world from!"
"I am though! I got away with it!"
"No! I'ma going to stop you!" Mario retorted, turning around to leave the tent. The next moment he was in the ground, and Luigi stood over him with his hammer. He pounded his brother again and again. Wow. He had one heck of a maniacal laugh. Hey! With Mario out of the way, maybe he could take over Mushroom Kingdom! What an idea! What an idea!
"Luigi?" Mario asked. Luigi snapped back from his thoughts. Mario was standing nearby in a bathrobe. "Luigi? My meatball boxers? Are they dry?"
"Oh! Uh… yeah. Here." He handed Mario his boxers and looked back at the laundry hanging in front of him.
Luigi had had an idea.
He didn't think he'd use it.
Luigi ate that burrito with salsa. The salsa of his doom!