This is a "Five Meme" response to toxic_corn's prompt.

A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
— Hoban Washburne, Firefly episode 12: "The Message"

Eins

"But Cap'n!" a deep voice whined. It had once been slightly startling to hear such a petulant tone from such a large man, but Mal had got used to it.

He frowned at his mercenary. "Jayne, you look ridiculous—more ridiculous than normal," he corrected himself. "You tried that get-up before, remember, O Hero of Canton? Did it work then? No, it did not," Mal answered his own question smugly.

"But Mal, these here are pre-ventative measures. If'n nobody here sees my face, then nobody here'll recognize me'r build me a statue'r write me a song'r nothin'," Jayne pleaded from deep inside the hood of his tan coat.

"He has got a point, sir," Zoe commented. "That statue was all manner of creepifying. Never got close myself, but heard it had eyes that followed a body everywhere." She looked at Jayne threateningly. "Of course, one could say the same's true of our little folk hero here. Can't seem to keep his eyes to himself these days."

Jayne grimaced. Mal growled. He'd forgotten that Jayne wasn't exactly a man with whom he could reason like civilized folk.

"Now listen here, Cobb. You will remove that hood. You will remove those goggles. Now. Before I cut them off. And I may not be terribly gentle-like, neither," the captain threatened.

"Please, Cap'n! What if—what if they—" Jayne's voice dropped to a whisper. "—take a shine to me?"

Mal and his first mate guffawed.

Jayne was miffed. "I'm a very attractive man, Cap'n, and they may not be able to keep their hands to themselves."

Zoe got control of her laughter long enough to wheeze, "Jayne Cobb, are you telling us that you're afraid of—" Here her voice began to waver with amusement. "—male Companions?"

Jayne was indignant. "Ain't afraid of nobody 'cept Reavers and my ma. Just don't like the idea of some little sly boy fallin' all over hisself fer me. Right embarrassin' and unmanly behavior, and I don't wanna hafta break no hearts."

By the end of the mercenary's speech, Mal and Zoe had collapsed into the chairs behind them, unable to catch their breath for laughing. The big man huffed and made to leave the kitchen, fingering his cap.

Just before Jayne crossed the threshold, the captain caught his breath and choked out a line that had the mercenary tearing off his disguise. "Inara said your outfit looks an awful lot like the costumes the boy-whores-in-training wear, Jayne. She said you were like to get all kinds of offers for the 'pleasure of your company' from some very wealthy men. Come to think of it, maybe that's not such a bad—"

Jayne had already fled for his bunk when Zoe looked at her boss in amusement. "You might regret that once Jayne sees a few of those boys, sir."

Mal leaned back in his chair and rested his arms behind his head. "Zoe, someone once told me something very interesting about myself. Do you know what that was?"

Zoe lifted an eyebrow. "You're psychotic?"

Mal grinned. "Exactly."