Unworthy

My mother's name was…Jenova. I've never been to this place…to this town…never in this mansion…but why. Why do the shadows whisper things to me? Why…why do I see them here?

Walking out down the stairs this morning was Professor Gast, my mentor, my…why couldn't he have been my father. His face was buried in a thick tome, eyebrows drawn in frustration as his narrowed eyes dart across the pages. I'd seen him like that before. He was questioning the truth. What truth was it? I couldn't see the title nor find the words to ask him. He wasn't here in the mansion…no…he was in my mind. Wasn't he? No one else spoke of seeing ghosts. Only I saw them. Was I so different from them?

When he arrived at the bottom of the stairs I'd came to my resolution. I would have the truth. Then he noticed me. His faced brightened into a familiar smile. Shyly, I found myself smiling back at him as he approached me. This was Gast after all, ghost or not. Maybe if I was good he'd let me help him with some project. Unlike Hojo, he respected me. By the time he reached me I found myself craning my neck to look up at him. He was so tall. Not like Hojo. I wanted to be that tall. Looking up at him…I should have been much taller. Here in the mansion I was so small.

I was a child again, for a moment, and I relished in it. Ever since Gast had left I'd been alone. No one would speak to me as if I was human. I was the project, the Commander, the Sephiroth. Never was I considered a human, always more than human. Why did I care? Wasn't I better than them? Hojo told me I was. But as I looked up at this smiling man I did care. I wanted to be human not a freak but a human. I want someone…

Then he was gone and I wasn't a child anymore but a man. I shook my head as I returned to myself. Humans…I was better than them. I didn't need them.

Hojo is here. He lurks as he always does so I'm not so surprised to see him in the shadows. In this place he is different. He paces along the hallways while angrily mumbling about her. His apparent insanity isn't unusual. I've never known Hojo not to be insane. This insanity does disturb me. I don't like the looks he gives the Professor.

The few times Hojo sees me, he sneers at me. Like Gast, he is much taller than I am. He stoops down to glare at me as he chides me for being out of bed. I held my tongue, knowing defiant words would fuel his interest. No one sane would want to be the focus of Hojo's interest. He is a twisted man who wants to control things to great for him. Things like me.

I do glare back at him. One day I would be free of him. I smirk as a new idea came to mind. One day I'd kill him. Pop his beady eyes out of his ghoulish face. Then feed them back to him. Not because he'd harmed me. Hojo would never harm me. I was his greatness made flesh. No, I would do it to show him who was in control. Now it was him but soon…soon it would be me.

However, he doesn't react to my resistances as he normally would. He merely pats the top of my head then whispers madly to himself. "He's worthy. I'm worthy." Who aren't we worthy of? I'm Sephiroth. Hojo isn't worthy of anything but I am. They're unworthy of me.

Mother is also here. Jenova is her name so Hojo told me. I hadn't imagined her like this. She timidly scurries down the hallways. Grief clouds her face twisting her plain features into an ugly mask. The few times she appears as more than a wraith is when she is near Hojo. Then she appears to be a pathetic dog. Eager to please him, begging for his attention… I don't want her to be my mother. My mother should be great. Not Hojo's…

Hojo has shown me her pictures. He says she is my mother. Her name is Jenova. …but that name is inscribed over the inner chamber of this town's reactor. Which is my mother? This pathetic shadow or is it… Neither can be true. I had a mother. I'm not a monster. Her name is Jenova. That woman can't be my mother.

These questions are why I find myself here in the basement. I know the answers are here written by Gast, by Hojo, by my mother. Zack says it's foolish to think you can find your identity in other people's books. What would he know? He's just an upstart trying to take my position so they'll give me back to Hojo. He doesn't think I know what they say about him. The strongest of the SOLDIERs, the most popular among the men, in a few years he'll replace 'the great Sephiroth'. I know and I won't let it happen. I'll kill him first.

Those times he's with me…he thinks I'm a needy creature like that boy, Strife. I'm just someone who needs a friend. Hah, friends with a human. He's one of them. I'm not ignorant enough to trust him. I know his goals.

Zack wasn't the reason I was here. I wanted to know about my mother…about myself. He wasn't important.

There were rows and rows of books to search. I had to know the truth. But for a long time I couldn't move. I was…I… I am not afraid. Hojo is afraid of the truth. If he doesn't like the truth he ignores it. He replaces it with something better. No…I am not afraid. I am like Gast, I will accept the truth. No matter my concerns, I will accept the truth.

My mother is Jenova. I'm here to learn more of her. If…I find things unpleasant I will remember I'm better than them. I am more than human.

I walk to the shelves straying away from the books. Reading would take time. I need to know now. On the far shelf were tapes those were what I sought. Things would be faster on tapes. I could see the truth easier with them.

Which would I choose, there were so many. Which held the secret to my mother, my existence?

On the far side of the shelf buried under a mound of tapes was a tape unlike the rest. It was bound by a thick layer of duck tape. At that instant I knew it was the truth. Hojo's scribbles covered the grey of the tape. I couldn't read the words. Time had worn away their means. That and Hojo's scrawl was difficult for any sane man to read.

This held the truth. Hojo would deface the truth, not the lies.

The truth…my hand's shook as I took the tape sending its brothers cascading off the self. Gast wasn't afraid. I walked to the tiny media display unit. I wasn't afraid. I was more than a man. The truth wouldn't hurt me. My mother would be as I imagined her.

After placing the tape inside the player I sat down in front of the screen, much like the child this place made me become. My breath caught as the tape began to play. The truth…was I a man or a monster? Did I come from the reactor? No, that weak woman wasn't my mother. I didn't come from the reactor. The Tape would tell me.

The tape began. It was old security footage, ages old, for the screen was fuzzy and the coloring grey. I was confused as I made out the lab from the mess. This was the truth? I had expected lab notes from the scientists or a documentary not security footage. The truth wouldn't have been on security footage. I was Sephiroth; my creation would have been documented properly.

A woman walked into the room, it was my mother. She was different, much more vibrant from the woman in the shadows. Even with the distorted footage of her I could tell she was beautiful. The way she moved. She was a woman who was in full possession of herself and of those who viewed her. Power radiated from her. This…this was the mother from my imagination. She could have bore me.

There was a large bulge in her abdomen…that was me. The truth…why would Hojo fear this? I was born from a woman of worth, not in the reactor or from a mouse. To think I was worried about this.

Another person came into the room. It was a man. I couldn't recognize him. He didn't haunt the corners of the mansion. A Turk…even without the color the cut of the suit gave away his occupation. What was a Turk doing near mother?

He stalked towards her, in the way only a Turk could stalk. I wasn't afraid for her. She had to have survived this encounter. In a burst of speed he grabbed her by the waist pulling her into him. He was acting like her…lover. It was not possible. Not mother…

With laughter she pulled away from him. "Vincent." Giddily, she fled away from him. "I didn't hear you." Mother and a Turk, I wouldn't believe it. The Turk followed her at a leisurely pace.

Soon mother was backed against a bookshelf breathing hard. Mother was more pregnant than I'd originally assumed given her faint health. The Turk pinned her against the wall. He looked like a predator…mother… my mother should have been the prey. But, no, she matched his predatorily movements with those of her own. My mother was the one in control of the situation. I should have been proud. My mother wasn't meek prey. A Turk… was he my father?

"Are you going to tell me your name?" This Vincent was a tall man like me, lean like me. My father couldn't be a Turk. They were worthless. Hojo said they were nothing. My father wasn't a nothing.

"You're a Turk. Aren't your type clever." Her tone was seductive so was the glitter in her eyes. He touched her…he dared to touch my mother. Gently, he lifted her chin. "Turks don't deduce things." He leaned down causing me to shiver. This wasn't the truth. "We make people talk." Then he kissed her.

I turned away from the screen, knowing she was kissing him back. My father was a Turk. I'd never considered my father before. No, I had I thought maybe… Gast had paid me so much attention to me as a child. He...he could have been my father. I wanted him to be my father. Not this Turk. I would have wanted anyone but a Turk, a nothing. My father was a nothing.

"Good thing I'm not a person." My head snapped around at the sound of my mother's voice. The breathlessness of her voice was painful. She'd enjoy the kiss. The Turk was petting the side of her face. His head was tilted as he considered her. "Is that true?"

She smiled an evasive smile as she brushed a hand though his dark hair. "Don't you want to know why I asked you down?" Frowning, the Turk answered her question. "No, but I don't think we get to play until you get to explain." She giggled at his reply. She giggled, my mother was giggling. What the Turk said…could they be lovers? This seemed like a meeting of secret lovers not a married couple. It was possible he wasn't my father.

"You're such a good boy." She looked away from him, an air of seriousness seemed to weight upon her. My mother was worried. I didn't like that even if she wasn't the mother I wanted. The Turk opened his mouth perhaps to question her about her troubles but she silenced him with a touch to his lip.

"Vincent, I fear…if something were to happen to me would you care for my child." The Turk was distressed by her words. A Turk distressed. I wouldn't believe it anymore than him being my father. Gast wouldn't be afraid of the truth. I took a breath as I reminded myself I wasn't afraid. If this Turk was my father or simple my mother's lover I wouldn't care. This was the past. It wouldn't affect me. I wasn't Hojo.

"I feel so old." The Turk moved to comfort her. She didn't resist as he pulled her into a tight embrace. "You're not old." He whispered into her hair as he began to stroke it. Where was my father? Why would he let this go on?

"But I am, Vincent. Some times I feel as if I'm fading away." Mother was dieing. This was the truth. Hojo told me she died in childbirth. How could I see her shadow in the halls? Those were my memories. She'd been inside of them. I had seen her.

I nearly laughed at my idiocy. Hojo lied. Why should I put much weight into his words? This meeting had frightened him but it didn't frighten me. A meeting between lovers meant nothing.

"If something were to happen, please protect my child. Even if his father is another man, please care for him." Mother wanted to protect me. The Turk placed his hand over her womb…over me. "Of course, I'll protect him." The truth…mother placed her hand over his. Mother loved me. I'd always wondered for all these years. Hojo never said if mother loved me or not. He said I was worthy, he said I was more than human, he never said if she loved me. Now I know. Hojo didn't want her to love me. That is why this was sealed away. He wanted me all for himself.

Mother laced her fingers through his, raising them away from me. What? No, stay mother. It was just a gesture. "This baby is a worthless puppet just like Hojo." Worthless, mother loved me this was all a lie. This woman wasn't my mother. My mother's name was Jenova. She died in childbirth. This woman was someone else. "How do you say it, father like son?" Hojo…was…my…father. NO! This was someone else's truth. Hojo buried it away with this other child.

"Are you planning on having another child without me as the father?" The Turk pouted at her, the playful lovers were returning. I didn't care. They were nothing to me. My mother was Jenova. That's why this woman was in my shadows she wasn't my mother. My mother is dead.

"This body isn't worthy of you anymore than her son is worthy of me." Why was I watching this, it had nothing to do with me. I found I couldn't move again. Something was gripping my body making me watch. I was trembling again.

Again the woman began to brush through his hair. "When I choose my son I'll make sure I give him your eyes." I shivered for no reason. Her second son was of no concern to me. I wasn't her first. Some other poor unloved child was.

"Are you going to invent him?" I shivered at the notion. "In away, I suppose. I bare children differently than humans." She was a monster from the reactor. "I see." Longing was in his eyes as he began to unbutton her blouse. I didn't need to see this. Other SOLDIERs watched porn, I didn't.

"You haven't said my name." She chided him, her voice soft. It didn't stop him. "I'm tired of talking. Philosophy and religion, I'm tired of them." The woman didn't move to stop him. "We can debate until the end of the Planet but I want more. You want more." He leaned forwards. "You haven't discovered my name…you promised." His lips hovered over hers. "But I have." She looked genuinely startled at the revelation.

"Your name is Jenova." His voice was a whisper. No, no, no, she wasn't my mother. This thing wasn't my mother. My mother…my mother…my mother's name is…no.

Then she went ridged as if she was mirroring my distress. "Vincent," her voice was hollow, confused not the woman before but the mouse from the shadows. The Turk snarled in disgusted as he flung her to the ground. My…Mother was Jenova. He was hurting Mother.

Mother gasped with terror as she saw the state she was in. Desperately, Mother pulled her shirt back over herself in an attempt at modesty. Mother's eyes burned with fear as she started at the Turk. "Vincent."

The Turk stormed out of the room without a word to Mother. Mother began to crawl to her feet. I wasn't…worthless. Hojo said…Hojo was my…father, no. Then Mother laughed.

"Oh, Vincent," Mother said his name with an adoring smile as she stood with dignity. "Don't you understand? This body…" She raised her hands glaring at them with disgust. "It isn't worthy of you. This body, it belongs to a woman who sold her soul for a child. At least the child will have use." My older brother, he was the child. I was the one of worth.

"A godless man and a self-made goddess what a pair we are." Mother wrapped her arms around herself. "I won't die. We'll be together with my child." Me. I'm Mother's child. That was the truth. Hojo didn't want me to know how important I was. "I was once a Cetra…" Mother smile twisted sadistically. Mother wasn't a monster from the reactor. I was a Cetra, a god among mortals. "Hojo still has his uses. When the time comes we will be the same. Hojo will make sure for me. Oh, beautiful Vincent how will you take me." Mother laughed a terrible comforting sound.

"I survived the Cetra just as my son will survive the humans." Mother ran her hand across her womb, across that worthless thing. "This wretch will pave the way for him." I began to laugh with Mother. This was my destiny my purpose. I would destroy the humans for Mother. My half brother would herald my coming then I would defeat them. I would be worthy.

I brushed my hand over the image of Mother. Yes, Mother I'm your worthy child. I'm not Hojo's brat, I'm your son. I'll do all you want because I'm worthy. My laughing died down as tears rolled to my eyes. There was much I still need to learn about myself in this lab. I need to find out what my godhood initialed. The truth was too much for Hojo he had to hide it, live with a comforting lie. His son was unworthy. I understood the truth and it was divine.

My mother is Jenova. I'm worthy of her.