"What are you reading?"

Gene looked around to see Oliver enter the lounge.

"A book."

Oliver sighed heavily.

"I noticed that, I was enquiring after its title."

"Uhh…" Gene's cheeks tinged pink. "Nothing."

"It's called Nothing?" Oliver asked.

"No…"

"Then what is it called?"

"It's none of your business."

"If you're reading something inappropriate I would really much rather you did it in your bedroom," Oliver muttered. "I'm making tea, do you want some?"

"It's not porn!" Gene blurted.

"I never said it was."

Gene pouted and returned his attention to his book.

"It's for a client."

"Your client wants you to read porn?" Oliver almost looked concerned.

"What? No! They wrote this - a perfectly respectable romance novel - and asked me to get a cover image together…"

"I see. So what is it called?"

Gene buried his head into a cushion and mumbled, "The Secret of the Dungeon."

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that?"

"You heard me!"

"No, I didn't," Oliver insisted, though his smirk said otherwise. "Who is modelling for you? Because I don't do porn."

"It's not porn!"

Oliver raised an eyebrow.

"Yasuhara's doing it," Gene paused. "He doesn't know it yet but he's doing it."

"You're asking your boyfriend to do pornography for you and you haven't even told him?"

"It's a perfectly respectable cover for a perfectly respectable work of literature."

"Will there be nudity?"

"Well—"

"So it's porn."

"Literature."

"Erotic literature. Don't tell Mum, she'll have a heart attack."

Gene threw a cushion at his twin.

"Oh, whatever!"

Luckily, Gene was saved from any further teasing from his brother, by a knock on the door. He jumped up to answer it. On the other side was Yasuhara, with a suit bag in hand.

"Sorry I'm late!"

"I didn't even notice, so don't worry," Gene said. "Come in."

"He didn't notice because he was reading porn," Oliver muttered as he siddled out of the room.

"It's not porn!" Gene yelled, but Oliver was already gone.

Yasuhara raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend and waited for an explanation.

"I'm not reading porn," Gene shook the manuscript in Yasuhara's face. "It's perfectly respectable literature where most clothes remain on at all times. And you're going to be on the cover!"

"Most clothes?"

"Almost all of the clothes." Gene turned around and stormed away, shouting, "Why is everyone so obsessed with the clothes?!" Yasuhara laughed and followed.

Gene led the way into his study come home studio. He had already begun to set up the scene he wanted to shoot. In the corner, he had a pile of red satin sheets and boxes of fake red rose petals.

"I need you to put the suit on," Gene said. "I'll finish the backdrop while you change."

"Okay," Yasuhara said and ducked out of the room.

Five minutes later, he returned dressed in suit trousers and a shirt. His tie hung around his neck and he had hooked his suit jacket through a finger and held it over his shoulder.

"Hey, G?"

Gene turned, taking in the sight of his boyfriend, now very well dressed. He was attractive before, but now he was a sight to behold.

Gene gulped.

"Yes?"

"Um," Yasuhara looked away, blushing, "I can't actually tie a tie on myself... I can do it on other people!" he hastened to add. "Just… Not on myself…"

"Well, we wouldn't have you without a well done tie on camera, would we?"

"Probably not ideal."

Gene laughed, pulling Yasuhara closer to himself by the loop of his undone tie.

"I don't mind helping."

Yasuhara watched Gene weave the ends of the tie together into a clean knot.

"You're quite good at this," he observed.

"I usually do Noll's for him," Gene explained. "And he's picky."

"You'll have to teach me sometime," Yasuhara said. "You know, to do it on myself."

Yasuhara now looked past Gene and to the scene in front of him. There was a bed, laden with red satin sheets. Next to the bed was a frame that held one of Gene's many cameras.

Gene spotted where Yasuhara's gaze fell.

"Ah, yeah, I want to get pictures from above, so I've set it up on a rig so I can take the pictures remotely."

"And what on earth do you want me to do on that bed that you want to take pictures of?" Yasuhara asked, straight faced.

Gene blushed.

"Well mostly you just lying there looking…"

"Looking what?"

"Ah," Gene blinked. "Conventionally attractive?"

"That sounds like something your brother would say."

"He might have said it about some girl, I don't know, I wasn't listening. But that's what the cover calls for."

"And you think me just 'conventionally attractive'? I'm not sure if I should be offended or not!"

"You just have to look like the main character in a romance novel."

"So… Like a confused and naive white lady?"

"No! The main love interest."

"Ah, so like a bossy white man?"

"Yes," Gene pouted. "Look bossy and assertive. Also, you clearly haven't read a romance novel lately! These things are all types of diverse nowadays!"

"Uh huh," Yasuhara sounded skeptical. "Any other requests?"

"Just… Lie down on the goddamn flower petals."

"Look who's bossy and assertive now!"

"If I could take decent pictures of myself and avoid this whole embarrassment, don't you think I would have?" Gene muttered.

"Sure," Yasuhara sat down on the satin awkwardly, trying not to upset the careful placement of the petals. "That's valid. I'll be nice."

"Thank god."

"So I'm just to lie here and look assertive?" Yasuhara chuckled. "It's hard to look assertive when you're lying on a bed of rose petals."

"Eugh," Gene moaned. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me off or something? Pretend I've done something naughty."

"I didn't realise you were into that."

It took Gene ten whole seconds to realise exactly what he had said.

"Oh my— I didn't mean it like that! I meant like—"

"I know what you meant," Yasuhara said, laughing again. "Okay, give me a minute, I need to get in character. Go fiddle with your camera or something. And that isn't a euphemism!"

After a few moments of silently 'getting into character', Yasuhara called out, "Gene, do you have any notes about the character I'm supposed to be portraying? Maybe that would help."

"You mean from that garbage I was reading a moment ago?"

"I thought it was respectable literature!"

"It's definitely a book and I will give it that," Gene muttered. "From what I understand, the main love interest is Leonov Sergei Dmitrievich, he's a Count."

"Is my suit good enough for a Count?"

"Don't worry about it, it's good enough for what they are paying me."

"Right, so tell me about this Leonov."

"He's quite whiny, honestly. The second he meets the girl he wants her in bed."

"I'll tell you now, I've never wanted a girl in bed at all so I already can't relate."

"Okay, well, think of a person that you would like in bed, like, right this fucking second. And then be a whiny little bitch about it."

"Sounds like a solid male character, alright."

Yasuhara laid back and relaxed. He let his mind flood with slightly inappropriate thoughts about his boyfriend.

"Uh… Whatever you're thinking about, I'd stop it right now," Gene muttered.

Yasuhara looked up.

"What? Why?"

"I'm going to have to readjust the camera…"

"Oh," Yasuhara blushed. "Oh."

He swallowed, hard.

A few awkward moments later, Gene began taking photos.

"I'm just checking the lighting and stuff, so you just do your thing and don't worry too much about what I'm doing."

"Yeah…"

Yasuhara tried to lie still but he felt himself tense every time the camera shutter clicked.

I am a russian sex god, he thought, I am a russian sex god.

"Right, I'm happy with everything," Gene said. "How are you doing?"

"I am a russian sex god," Yasuhara blurted.

Gene looked as if he was about to laugh, but he held it in. He wanted to get the pictures taken as soon as possible.

"Excellent," Gene said. "Do your thing, I will just take pictures…"

"How much longer?"

"I haven't even taken one yet, mate, like…" Gene chuckled. "Just keep looking like a sex god."

"I always look like a sex god."

"I know you do, but I need you to share it with the camera."

"It's hard being sexy by myself."

"I am, literally, right here."

"You know exactly what I mean and if you insinuate one more goddamn thing I am going to have a heart attack."

Gene laughed.

"Besides," Yasuhara quickly regained his composure. "Your brother is home."

"We've made out when he's been home before—"

"Not knowingly!"

"Not the point. We aren't even doing anything. Now just do a pose, let me take a few pictures and then we can be done with this debacle!"

"This sure is a debacle alright," Yasuhara smirked awkwardly, half of his face trying to remain in a blank expression.

"Don't pull any faces," Gene commented. "Just look sultry."

"How am I supposed to look sultry without pulling a face?!"

After several discussions and a lot of really bad photographs later, Gene finally got a few images he was happy with. Or rather, happy enough to end the fiasco and do the rest of the magic with the power of Photoshop.

Hi all! Hannah (Snavej) wrote this bullshit a long time ago and we decided to release it in celebration of My Dad Wrote a Porno series 4 which came out on iTunes today! If you listen to that podcast, maybe you'll catch a few wayward references. Cheers!

Bee