Autumn Frost Illusion
The rain bounces off my face softly. Soaking my clothe wet and my shoes becomes heavier as they fill up with water. The frosty air frequently sends uncontrollable shivers up my spine... Uncontrollable... yes, it wasn't my choice. Loving her wasn't a choice. It was fate or was it just my rebellious emotions that I could not keep within?
I still remember how we use to be together. She was like the wind and I was the fallen leaf. Drifting and dancing with her where ever she went. When ever I fell back to the ground she would stop and wait for me. She encouraged me to stand back up and helped me to move on. As if there was some kind of an aura of rejuvenation that surrounded her. She brought me joy and happiness when ever I was close to her, but there was also sadness. It chocked me so tightly that I could hardly breeze. More than once she has said to me, "You know that I'm not going to last much longer. The doctors said I was suppose to die before twenty and now I'm already twenty-two... So yeah, I'm already low on battery. Like... I don't want to love you because I don't want to leave this world with regret, and when I go, I don't want to miss anyone..." She paused and looked into my eyes. I shook my head and changed my uneasy expression. She continued with a smile, "But you will still miss me won't you? Promise me that you won't shed a single tear for me okay? According to my memory you are one of those tough guys and I intend to keep it that way. Psst I hate guys who cry..." and the one way conversation would continue for a very long time. I just listened because there was no need for me to speak as she understood my thoughts and words were no longer needed. She was indeed very talkative... even on such a depressing topic.
Our love had no clear beginning but the siren of the ambulance was a clear announcement of the on coming end. "Don't look so depressed. Look, I'll wait for you in heaven! You believe in God don't you? Think about it! Isn't it wonderful? Then we can be together forever!" Her smile looked so real that as if heaven would lower it self to earth, but there is a wide gap between imagination and reality. Like all sweet dreams. My dream could not preserve it self neither. After all heaven belonged in heaven and I belonged here. I sat beside her with her hand in my palms and her head on my lap. She told me that at that last moment, she has decided to love me back and there was no reason for it. It just happened and she had no choice but to accept it. I helped her to sit up and held her in my arms with her back against my chest. With the tissues in my pocket I wiped the blood off her face from her bleeding nose and she spoke to me in a weak and dry voice, "Don't cry. What's there to be sad about? I'll be with you just like how I've always been." The ambulance's cry continued to echo through the pouring rain. It teared up my heart and threaded it into a thousand of pieces of sorrow.
It's amazing how time diluted my sadness and the new me without her has evolved to be stronger. Today I'm back here again to visit her. I brought her white flowers and a teddy bear with a love heart on its chest and I rested them on her gravestone. The cold rain ran down my face along with my sorrow and I hope that she did not see my tears which the rain kept hidden. I closed my eyes, and like what she said. She is still with me. I can still see her comforting smile and where ever I walk I can still her soft footsteps echoing next to mine. Her hand is still in my pocket seeking warmth from my body on this freezing cold autumn morning.
Apocalypse Spirit
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