Title: The Staffroom
Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel
Pairings: None at present.
Story Summary: Professor Potter has an unusual teaching assistant. Sequel to "The Waiting Room." I advise reading that first, although it's not really necessary, I guess. Basically Voldie is a spirit soul-bound to Harry.
Setting: AU. First year after Harry's graduation. Vaguely follows canon for books 1-5.
Author notes:
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THE STAFFROOM
CHAPTER ONE
THE DADA ASSISTANT
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"See that building over there?"
"Of course I do. I'm not blind."
"Take out your contacts and say that again."
– Abandon by Batsutousai
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"This is going to be fun."
"It should be fairly amusing, at any rate. I can't wait to see the looks on their faces."
"What's this? Enjoying the terror of innocent children? My, how the mighty have fallen."
"It's not like you're going to hurt them. Besides, it'll be good for them to get some real experience of what a Dark Arts practitioner is like."
"Rationalisations, Potter. Before you know it you'll be sacrificing infants to the full moon and telling yourself it's fine because you left all the others alone."
Silence.
"Hah, I've got you there."
"Speaking from experience, were we?"
"Don't be absurd. I never sacrificed infants to anything. I did it for the sheer joy of it."
More silence.
"Did anyone ever tell you that you're creepy?"
"Certainly. Myrtle Gillings did so frequently. I was delighted when she died."
Harry snorted, but didn't reply; he could hear the clattering and cheerful voices of students approaching. He stood just as the first years began filing in. He waited until they got settled, then smiled pleasantly.
"Good morning," he greeted them. "I am Professor Potter, and I will be teaching you Defence Against the Dark Arts."
Some of the students looked starry-eyed, others impressed; most of the Slytherins looked either wary or disgusted.
"Assisting me in my classes," Harry continued cheerfully, "will be a former Dark Arts practitioner. He will help me work out what you need to know, and exposing you to him will help you how to learn how to deal with Dark witches and wizards."
For a moment Harry's face was lit by a smirk of pure evil: the next moment a silvery figure walked through the blackboard and gazed around at them with a predatory smile, crimson eyes burning in his translucent face.
"Students," Voldemort hissed in pleasure, those red eyes burning into their souls. "How delightful."
Instant chaos. Students were screaming, pushing over desks, scrambling over one another in their efforts to escape the most evil wizard of all time. Several muggleborns were left sitting puzzled at all the fuss.
"So," Harry said happily, "let me introduce me assistant, none other than Lord Voldemort himself!"
The screaming redoubled, and now the muggleborns were joining their wizard-born classmates in fleeing to the back of the room. (Harry had magically locked the door earlier.) Voldemort watched gleefully, while a vastly amused Harry leant against the wall and waited for them to settle.
"You would think," he murmured, "that the fact that you are a ghost, and I am present, would calm them down a little."
"My reputation proceeds me," Voldemort said proudly, and perhaps a little smugly. "The Boy Who Lived is nothing next to the awesome powers of the Dark Lord Voldemort!"
"Whatever you think, Tom."
"Don't call me Tom!"
One of the Slytherin students tentatively raised a hand.
"Are you really the Dark Lord?" she asked cautiously. Voldemort looked affronted. (At one point this question would have enraged him, but a simmer of living with Harry had raised his tolerance for insulting remarks.) He gave a regal nod and a hissed "yes" that bordered on Parrseltongue.
"Then why," and she jabbed her thumb at Harry, "are you hanging around with him?"
Both wizards winced.
"My natural charm," Harry said evasively. Voldemort turned to glare at him.
"You stole my line!"
"And you stole my wand to curse Albus's sherbet lemons," Harry shot back, "so we're even."
The Slytherin girl skittered backwards.
"He can still use magic?" she squeaked. "But he's a ghost!"
"Only if he uses my wand," Harry assured her, "and I only lend it to him occasionally."
"Mind you, I steal it all the time," Voldemort added brightly. Harry glared at him.
"Stop undermining my authority."
"What authority? Oh, sure, you're Lord–"
"Shush!"
" – Someone, and the Boy Who Lived, certainly, but that doesn't give you any authority, just celebrity and wealth."
"As a teacher."
"You have about as much authority as a teacher as Quirrel."
Harry glared. Voldemort gave him most irritating smirk.
"You're incorrigible."
"And you're a hopeless Gryffindor. What else is new?"
With great dignity Harry turned back to the class and began to teach.
oo o0o oo
That evening Harry slouched into the staffroom and collapsed into an armchair, one arm flung over his face. His constant companion followed, grinning evilly.
"Bad day?" Filius asked sympathetically. The other teachers turned to listen.
Harry jerked a thumb in Voldemort's direction without bothering to open his eyes.
"Tommy-boy here –"
"Don't call me Tom!"
" – not only proved a wonderful obstructionist every time I tried to teach and distracted the class by scaring the bejesus out of them all, but a: set several snakes on my third years; b: tried to crucio some Gryffindor idiot who insulted him all lesson, which ended in my wrestling him to the floor to get my wand back while a bunch of Slytherins cheered him on; c: during my free period he first stole my wand and cursed several students in Parseltongue which meant that I had to track them all down to reverse the spells, and followed this up by visiting Hagrid's class and giving them detailed instructions on how to hatch and raise their own personal basilisks. He even taught them how to say 'don't eat me' in Parseltongue."
"Their accents were terrible," Voldemort noted, "and that Trilby boy kept hissing too vehemently on the second syllable and ended up inadvertently making a rather unsuitable request."
Harry turned faintly green at the memory. Some of the staff couldn't help but wonder exactly what it was that Adrian Trilby had said...
"He also hexed my sherbet lemons," added an unhappy voice. Several people snorted at the sight of Albus standing in the doorway, writhing snakes replacing his beard and hair. Harry saw Snape quietly snicker into his coffee.
"Didn't I tell you?" Harry asked, looking innocently dismayed. "It must have slipped my mind."
Voldemort ruined his act by smirking broadly.
"Of course," Albus agreed dryly. "You wouldn't have decided to keep it to yourself for your own amusement."
Harry looked hurt.
"I'm a Gryffindor," he chided the headmaster gently.
Albus huffed.
"I know what the Hat told you, Harry. You're about as Gryffindor as Severus."
Both Harry and Snape looked insulted, for entirely different reasons.
"You're wrong there, old man," Voldemort sneered. "Those imbeciles have corrupted him. He's only half a Slytherin now." He shook his head disgustedly.
Harry looked sheepish and rather uncomfortable as several pairs of eyes stared at him in astonishment.
"Anyway," he changed the subject loudly, "if that was just what it was like on the first day, I hate to see what happens next."
Voldemort's eyes gleamed.
oo o0o oo
Severus was distracted from his work by the sound of singing, growing steadily nearer. Cursing, he left the potion he was working on to find out who was idiotic enough to be singing near his lab. A group of Slytherin first years were marching, two-by-two, all singing as they went.
"We're the Slytherins and we rule
Don't you know we rule the school!
We are cunning and we're mean
Yeah we're the best there's ever been!"
"Sound off!" Barked a student up front.
"One, two!"
"Sound off!"
"Three, four!"
"Sound off!"
"One two, three four!"
"What," Severus asked in his most deceptively mild voice, "are you doing?"
All six students saluted.
"David Ollivander, leader of Squad One SIR!" replied the leader smartly. "Patrolling Slytherin territories one-to-two against Slytherin invaders SIR!"
"And who," Severus asked slowly, "put you up to that?"
"Lord He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, SIR!"
The students saluted again.
It's times like this, Severus thought, that I really wish that I was allowed to curse some sense into them...
"Cease the singing," he said aloud. "It makes it difficult for me to concentrate."
"Sir yes SIR!" Ollivander saluted. We'll move back into territory two then, sir. ABOUT TURN!"
At his bellow the students turned ninety degrees. "AND AGAIN!" Another ninety-degree turn. "FORWARD MARCH!"
They headed back the way they had come, beginning to sing again.
"I don't know but I've been told
Dumbledore is mighty old
I don't know but it's been said
So we follow the Dark Lord instead!"
Snape returned to his office to faint shouts of "one two, three four!" privately resolving to have a chat with Potter and his personal nuisance.
It was Minerva McGonagall who next encountered Hogwarts' makeshift army. She was on her way to lunch when she turned a corner to see a group of six first-year Gryffindors, marching in time and singing a rather pointless song.
"Now we sing this stupid song!
Sing it as we go along!
Why we sing it we don't know
Our theory is it helps us go!"
Minerva interrupted before they could get any further.
"What are you doing?" she asked sternly. Kaia Diggory saluted.
"We're part of the Hogwarts Regiment, professor!" she said brightly. "Gryffindor Division, Squad Two!"
"Dedicated to protecting the school and beating those Slytherin norks!" added Jason Bourne.
"Language, Mr Bourne!" Minerva said sharply. She wasn't sure exactly what a 'nork' was, but she was fairly certain that it wasn't the sort of word that a student should be using.
"Sorry, professor."
"Whose idea was this, 'Hogwarts Regiment?'" Minerva asked.
"Professor Potter's!" they replied in unison. It figured.
"Well, you'd best be off to lunch," Minerva said briskly. "Off you go now."
The students waited until they were out of earshot to begin singing their next song.
"I don't know but I've been told
Voldie's bits are made of mould!
I don't know but it's been said
Professor Potter's best in bed!"
They doubted that Professor Potter would approve of it, but Ginny Weasley's version was much more fun to sing.
Minerva stormed into Harry's office. Sure enough Harry was there, along with his evil sidekick.
"Minerva?" Harry asked in surprise.
"Why are the first years convinced that they're part of an army?" she demanded.
Instantly Harry's eyes were alight with guilty laughter, but he answered seriously.
"It's a community-building exercise that encourages students to be more alert, to observe the rules, and to develop good Defence skills," Harry replied. "So far there's a Slytherin Division and a Gryffindor Division. We meet once a week to play games and practice duelling. It's been a hit so far."
Minerva glared at him, unconvinced.
"You had best not endanger them, Harry," she warned, "or you will be in trouble."
"Yes Minerva," Harry agreed meekly.
"Wimp," Voldemort hissed in Harry's ear.
"Shut up, Tom."
"Don't call me Tom!"
In the end both Minerva and Severus accepted the Hogwarts Regiment, as did Filius and Pomona once it was expanded to include the Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs. It worked quite well, encouraging unity within House and year groups, and the weekly meetings were enjoyed by all. The teachers couldn't help thinking, though, that Harry had some kind of ulterior motive for it. As for Albus, well, he believed that Harry and Voldemort had become partners in crime. These days it was hard to tell who was worse, Peeves or those two. Albus darkly suspected that they'd be as bad as the Weasley twins in the end. He feared what kind of example they were setting for the students.
As for Voldemort and Harry, it was doubtful that they'd ever enjoyed themselves more.
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AN:
The last song is based on one by another fanfic author, whose name I will have to look up. The fic it comes from is rather good. I will get back to you on that. The second-last one is an adaptation of a song written by Terry Pratchett. In the book it is sung by Sergeant Detritus and the Watch recruits. The others are entirely original.
On to chapter two!