By Spectra16
Disclaimer: As much as it is embarrassing, this fic is based on Pokemon. I do not still LIKE pokeman, for I am much to mature for that. But the lifestyle I made for Giovanni (leader of Team Rocket) and his family is much too complex/funny to ignore. My story "Scary Things Come in Pink, Fuzzy Packages" and "Family Ties" was much too dark and angst-y to continue, but I really wanted it to be like this story. So enjoy. This will definitely be funny, rather than complex and dark.
Where does this story take place in the actual Pokemon agenda? (not that it matters much . . .)
Giovanni- About 35, yet wrinkling like a grape in a microwave. He is CURRENTLY unmarried (although that won't last long according to my stories about him) and about to cry.
Mewtwo- Hasn't gone goth yet and wanted to die alone in a cave. He's still at the Rocket HQ for testing, but for some reason, in this story he's very involved with all of the Rocket family life, and REALLY out of character (I hate Mewtwo's bitching and complaining about how he's a clone and no one loves him)
Neesha- Nearly 10, yet still very kid-like. Her and Mewtwo are good buddies. Mew sorta died off the face of the earth here, she won't be joining us. AND NEESHA'S not a Mary Sue! She's a little girl with problems just like everyone else! She isn't drop dead gorgeous and she doesn't have a perfect life! I mean, she's the daughter of Giovanni. That alone would suck pretty bad! If anything, she's an angst Mary Sue, but not in this story! This story is purely laughs and fluffy bunnies!
If anyone has played Halo, you should know that each segment you play has a sort of sarcastic name/chapter name to it. For each mini story I put in each chapter, I will have a mini story name. Just a warning, in case you think I'm nuts.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Magical Duckies
On most days, power, money, and respect was all you need. Some people would put "respect" under the category of power, but whatever. Money was power most times. In turn, the motto "power, money, and respect" was discarded because of it's lack of creativity with a motto. Aurum est potest was already taken by one criminal mastermind, whom we won't mention his name because he believes in fairies. Humani Nihil Alienum was a bit stupid, since it was common knowledge, and mottos that state the obvious are looked down upon in most countries. Per Mare Per Terras was mostly for pirates of all sorts. And this group of "Criminalities", pardon my French, was definitely not an ocean fairing group. Galatea Mea Virdis Est was a strange motto, not really standing for anything. It had no relevance to any criminal organization for the most part, unless your business attire consisted of a green helmet. Malo Mori Quam For Dari was a good motto, but highly over used. Mostly in Mafiyas of England. Facta Non Verba was a good motto, but now one understands what that means. Rex Porcus Largus Est was a good one. And that's what this criminal group's motto was. It was just for laughs, but often repeated as if it were a way of life.
Team Rocket had a way with the world that makes you want to pity people who feel they have only one way out of being a burger flipper. Team Rocket was a large group of thieves that made their earning by stealing money and above all, Pokemon. It wasn't a very respectable way of living, since Team Rocket wasn't very well feared, but at the same time, their numbers were alarming.
It has been very uncertain HOW many are in Team Rocket, but by the numbers of idiots sitting in jail for their crimes incorporating to Team Rocket, you have to imagine. The number was either dwindling, or it was so incredibly high that you could dedicate the UK to housing them all. One French man tried to gather them all together and shove them into the UK, but he was French, and therefore bungled that.
Anyhow, no matter how many people were involved with Team Rocket, one man controlled them all. He was driven insane by his loads of work (even though his number of executives were on the rise as well) and by his one saving grace, that didn't really even save him but instead made his brain melt even more.
His name is Giovanni Rocket. And he belongs to Super Villains Anonymous. He also was extremely narcissistic, and had an intense fear of Willie Nelson. His favorite color was orange, and his best friend meows and coughed wads of hair up every hour and 17 minutes (so precise you could set your watch by it, but it wasn't advised). He had a habit of hiring the most incompetent of employees, and his favorite food was three bean casserole. But these things will only be needed to know later.
At the very moment, he is slamming his head on his desk while his daughter and the evil clone he wanted to use to take over the world is dancing around him, singing the Magical Duckie song.
(Disclaimer: I don't own the Magical Duckie song. Nick Warton does.)
"Magical duckies are everywhere! Magical duckies are in your hair! Magical duckies in underwear! Magical duckies are everywhere!" They both sang. Giovanni nearly cried. He took a large swig on the bottle of vodka on his desk, and tried to ignore the song. Giovanni's daughter, Neesha, broke from the dance, and leaned on her father.
"Hey dad, wanna play Go-Fish with me?" She asked cutely. Her cheeks were pink and her hair brown, yet very messed up. She had been playing in the bushes again, it was clear.
"No. Daddy's very fricken busy," Giovanni bellowed, trying not to rip of his highly expensive clone pokeman's head. Mewtwo started shimmying. The shimmy was infectious and spread to Neesha, who quickly picked it up. The two were shimmying. Shimmying.
Giovanni ran out of his office screaming, as Mewtwo and Neesha followed slowly, still shimmying.
And soon, Persian joined in the madness, trying her best to shimmy, even though it didn't look quite as good as Neesha and Mewtwo's shimmying.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Shopping with a Well-known Criminal Mastermind
Giovanni was much calmer with a few more shots of vodka. He walked to the Celadon department store (which he often spent millions on one trip). But on this certain trip, trouble was definitely going to be a factor.
He cheerfully went down the isles of proteins, carrying more than he should've been without a cart. He carefully balanced each bar, and steadily reached for a calcium when-
"OMG! It's the boss of Team Rocket!" One women with a baby screamed in the same isle. Giovanni's head turned slowly to look at her, with the most incredibly stupid/shocked look ever that could only be described as something Vash from Trigun would look like. The baby started crying at the sight of Giovanni's face. Giovanni ran over to the counter and gave the clerk his credit card as if it was a 20 dollar bill and headed for the elevator.
"Paper or plastic!" The clerk yelled after him.
Giovanni frantically pressed the 1st level button. The elevator seemed to be very slow, and he continued to press the button, over and over, quicker and quicker. Once it finally opened, he went inside, as if he was being pursued (which he wasn't). He breathed a sigh of relief just as the door closed.
Everyone on the third floor was VERY confused. The baby stopped crying once Giovanni was out of sight. He then began to suck on his nook, as if nothing happened.
(Initial reaction from a 6 month old baby: Giovanni, leader of Team Rocket, is definitely something worth crying about. The law of physics require that when ever a baby is present to Giovanni, to immediately start crying until he leaves. He's maimed hundreds of people; employees, family members, and parakeets. Also civilians. I'm actually very surprised that no one else is crying. Whatever. They will soon learn.)
Anyhow, Giovanni dropped proteins as he walked, but didn't seem to mind. He shoved his remaining bundle in the car, and got in only to find that he had accidentally locked a bee in the car. He drove away quickly and opened a window, hoping the bee would just leave him alone. But that was not the case. The bee was angry (because Giovanni pollutes the air we breath) and the bee stung him right in his cheek. Giovanni flinched and freaked out, almost hitting Prof. Oak and an elderly woman who was in Episode 45. He ended up crushing her walker, and she then proceeded to RUN after him in a blind rage, cursing words at the alleged Team Rocket boss.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Cable TV
Poor Gio got home, near crying. He put an ice pack on his bee sting, and sat down at his desk while he daughter colored in her Medabots coloring book.
"Did you cry daddy?" She asked, still very convulsed in her coloring.
"NO, I did not CRY," He answered angrily with emphasis on No and Cry.
"Did it hurt?"
"OF COURSE IT HURT! What are you smoking?"
"Daddy! I don't smoke! I'm only 9! Smoking is for 13 year olds behind bike shacks in black clothes. . ."
(Giovanni: -l-)
"Don't tell me. You've been watching Degrassi Junior High," Giovanni was about to spit.
"Yes."
"I should lock that channel up as if it was a rabid dog," Giovanni glared at nothing.
"Dad! It's Nickelodeon! Everyone my age watches Nickelodeon!" Neesha protested.
"Well, if everyone jumped out of a window in the Stock Market building on Wall street, would you?" Giovanni asked as if asking the "If everyone jumped off a bridge. . ." question.
"Well, if I lost everything I owned and owed millions to other stock brokers, maybe I would," Neesha smirked, knowing her father's eyes would go all "owl" on her. And they did.
"Fine then! Start watching Oxygen for all I care! I mean, you're gonna turn out to be some sentimental nagger someday! Why not just start right now!" Giovanni threw his hand up in the air and left the room. Neesha smirked again. Although, she did take offense to the "Oxygen" remark, she felt she had won this time.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Shatters in my Hand
(You might need a little Greek mythology knowledge to understand this next dramatic play/parody. Or just watched every episode known to Wish Bone-kind. That's where I was introduced to this story from.)
Giovanni sat sulking in his office once again. His power that he had wished for had been turned against him. He was in so much despair that he hired a clown to bring in a trampoline and to jump on it so that he could watch. And he ate a tub of ice cream, but that didn't work too well.
(A day before)
"Hurry up man! I've got other wishes to take care of! You're not my only Godclient. I have a friggin' schedule! You're supposed to know this life long wish! Anyways, I've got Tom Cruise and Jack Sparrow to get to today, and we all know Jack is gonna take up my precious time as well, but at least I'm planning for it," Giovanni's fairy god father was suspended in air, pointing at his clipboard with his "god client" list. Giovanni sat in wonder.
"Well, I have everything a man could want, besides a faithful wife, but I'm not sure if I want one of those for another three months. And I have all the money I could ask for. And asking for everything I touch to turn into gold would be STOOPIT, so I think I am going to ask for rare pokeman," Giovanni nodded. The fairy god father grimaced.
"Sorry buddy, we ran out of that wish on Ash Blatchem, or whatever the hell that squeaky kid's name is. Damn, that is one complete idiot," The fairy shook his head in reverence for Ash the complete idiot.
"Well uh . . . Then I went everything to crumble in the palm of my hand! Like small city's and such!" Giovanni giggled. The fairy rolled his eyes.
"Whatever man. Your funeral," The fairy snapped his fingers and ruffle his hair.
"Thanks fairy boy!" Giovanni wore a horrifyingly happy smile.
"I prefer the term Pixie-American," He bellowed.
"What?"
"I'm a Pixie! Not a fairy! And I have a name too! And it's not fairy boy! I'm twelve times your age! Not to mention a lot more attractive!" Chix the Pixie said in admittance. (We won't label this a crossover because I've already made tons of Artemis Fowl references.) In all truth, Chix wasn't a wish granter, or at least, he wasn't until he set his boss' (Commander Root, RIP) favorite recon suit on fire.
"Jeez, is that your job? Fill people with false hopes of one free wish and then insult them on your way out of the door? Some fairy god father you are!" Giovanni complained, and Chix disappeared, and then kicked Giovanni in the shins and left.
"Finally, I have the power of the sun in the palm of my hand!" Giovanni shrieked. Doc Ock ran into the room and slammed a random script down on his desk.
"YOU STOLE MY LINE!" Doc Ock yelled. (Doc Ock, RIP) Giovanni pouted.
"Sorry."
Doc Ock left. (Fan girls scream in horror.)
(Allie: What! You add him for three lines and then axe him!
Me: Don't worry Allie. This won't be the last you'll see of Doc Ock. wink wink)
Giovanni sat down confidently in his desk and propped his stinky feet up on the desk (the smell emanates through your speakers on your computer!) The camera pans into his hand reaching for his glass of vodka, and everything goes in slow motion with dramatic music swelling in the background. He picks of the glass and it shatters right over his expensive Armani suit.
"Crap on toast! What happened?" He stood up and attempted to brush the murky liquid off of him. He near cried, and then opened his drawer, revealing many more glasses, for emergency purposes only. He poured more into the glass, and attempted to drink it, but it broke again. He quickly grabbed another glass, quickly poured it, and tried to quickly drink it again. It broke, again. He quickly fetched another glass and set it carefully onto the table and poured a small amount into the glass. He took his two pinkies and careful lifted it to his face. Right as he was about to drink it, it broke again. He cursed and swore, until he quickly slammed another glass onto the desk. It broke, just because he slammed it so hard. He had one glass left, poured vodka in it, and splashed it into his face, finally getting a taste of what he deserved, and some vodka along with that taste.
He stormed out of his office, figuring this had something to do with Mewtwo's telekinetic power, and slammed open his daughter's room door. He found his daughter and Mewtwo playing Go Fish on the floor next to her bed. They both looked up with the same dumbfounded look, confused by why Giovanni had a look to kill, and was covered in what seemed to be a thin version of vomit.
"MEWTWO! WHAT THE HELL! JUST LEMME ALONE!" Giovanni yelled.
"What did I do!" Mewtwo asked, in the same tone a teenager might use.
"Don't play stupid with me!"
"Daddy's better at it," Neesha smirked evilly. Giovanni ignored it.
"Seriously, Gio. I don't know what you are talking about," Mewtwo said honestly.
"Don't call me Gio. And what could possibly break glasses as I try to drink them?" Giovanni asked.
"I don't know Midas- I mean dad. Maybe you're grabbing it too hard," Neesha replied.
"No. I picked it up with my pinkies and it broke!"
Mewtwo picked up a small doll of Neesha's (which she didn't care for much) and handed it to Giovanni. He grabbed it and the fluff soon was squeezed out of it. Giovanni dropped it.
"WOAH!" Everyone exclaimed.
"Little Susie! NOOOOO-I don't care," Neesha went back to peeking at Mewtwo's cards.
"Oh no," Giovanni realize what his wish had done.
(Back to present time)
The clown kept jumping on the trampoline. Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. Giovanni shoved another wad of mint chocolate chip into his mouth, now shrouded in a baby blue blankie, which clashed to an extreme with his orange suit that makes me wanna HURL! clears throat
"I suppose I'll die like this. Not being able to-," Giovanni jinxed himself at the spoon he was holding melted like butter, only it didn't really melt. He put his head on his desk and cried inside. Sabrina came out of nowhere and scolded him.
"Hey! You stole my spoon bendy thingy! You must PAY!" Sabrina thwapped him in the head and left.
Giovanni killed some clowns, and then went to bed.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Giovanni: That's a weird way to end a story. At least you didn't have any references to my sexual orientation. Congrats!
Spectra16: That doesn't mean I won't. Wait, it does.
Giovanni: Hey reviewers, got a good idea to poke fun at me? Let's hear it and Spectra will provide, and probably butcher your idea, but hey! It's life!
Spectra16: Shut up. I do not butcher things except cow parts.
Giovanni: Spleens?
Spectra16: Brains.
Giovanni: Oh. Anyhow, review and we hope you enjoyed this so far! If not, go eat some candy. You'll feel better. Unless it's Warheads. Then you'll cry.
Spectra16: I'll probably have some sweet Ash/Pokemon in general bashing later, so if you REALLY love pokeman, then I suggest not reading the rest of this. For those of you who can stand the satire funnies of Pokemon bashing, then I welcome you all! And if there are some references that you don't understand, they probably came from fan fic writers Cosmic Mewtwo and Caspian Nyghtvision. Also, I will be adding a lot of references to Artemis Fowl. Just cuz I want to. More references/homages on the way! Peace out.