If Romana was experiencing anything within these past few moments, it was fear. Cold blooded, nightmare inducing fear. It was clouding her mind and strangling her and causing her to almost keel over and die.
But the truth was, she was already dead. Romanadvoratrelundar was dead. Pandora killed her long, long ago. It was as if an onslaught of memories had assaulted her as the Shadow tortured her over and over and over and over again were saying something. Whispering important things in her ears that she had somehow forgotten. And the pain of it was almost unbearable. Almost.
Even though she was now within the safety of the TARDIS, she could still feel everything. And by everything, she meant she could feel herself crumpling under the will of Pandora. She doesn't remember how she knows that name, but she does and it makes her even more scared just thinking about the other word that was whispered into her ears so long ago now.
That word that injected pure ice into her soul. The one word she had been brainwashed to forget
That word. That evil word.
Imperiatrix.
That is your destiny Romanadvoratrelundar. The one thing you will never be able to escape from no matter how far you run. You can hide in the deepest, darkest corners of the universe and I will still be there. I will always be with you.
She shuddered. Ripples of energy glowing beneath her skin as she heard the evil whispering to her once more, like those rough days at the academy when she just wanted to run and hide and forget everything within the vaults when that tiny little thought appeared in the back of her mind. That little evil voice that told her she could rule everyone. She could be the most important person in the universe. That she had the power to bring the multiverse to its knees.
We can rule together you know…
She doesn't want that. She never wanted anything in life except to lead a semi-normal lifestyle as a Time Lady on the High Council. Then she was thrown into this mess.
Its almost as if fate had decided that no. Romana, you will never be happy. Ever.
Romana can remember her days at the academy all too well, all those late nights up studying, the constant taunting of her peers...the teachers who thought she would never amount to anything and and and…
All the professors who sabotaged her, hoping that she would just leave and never come back. Forcing her to hide in the Vaults, hoping for salvation. All the failed tests she had received back even though she had studied long and hard, and tried. And tried some more.
It wasn't until Cardinal Braxiatel found out that she had been able to shine. She somehow managed to get a triple first. She made it. And for the first time in all her lives, when she realised that there might be a tiny smidge of hope, she sobbed.
She never allowed herself to cry since that moment.
Her body was growing weaker by the moment, and she could feel herself struggling to get up from her place in her bedroom where she had collapsed earlier. She could feel the will of Pandora sucking her will to do anything, challenging her and taunting her.
Just like they used to do huh darling?
"Shut up" she blurts out, trying to get rid of that voice in her head that is telling her its okay to give up. Its okay. Just let Pandora do her work and you'll be feeling so much better soon…
No. I can feel you. her mind isn't right. Nothing is right at the moment and she can feel the start of something happening and the fear is back again. But the fear never left. There was only herself and constant fear from the start.
But what about the Doctor? a different voice asked her. It was a kinder voice than the previous one, and she recognised it from the moment she had heard it.
Why was Princess Astra in her head?
Don't listen to her, she's trying to deceive you. She wants your soul. She wants to consume you from the inside out.
Who's to say that its you that wants that? weren't you the one who was lamenting about taking over the universe and how you'll always be with me no matter how far I run, and how far I hide?
Romana was certain at this point that she was losing her mind. She was talking to herself, she was creating different selves in her head.
Or were they real?
She didn't know what to believe anymore.
Shuddering, she could feel the buildup of energy surging through her body, begging to be unleashed. It was almost time. It was almost time to die. Or was it almost time to sleep? She wasn't sure if she knew the difference between death and sleep anymore.
In her mind, sleep was very much like death, and she wouldn't mind either at the moment.
But the moment was already prepared for as she let the light consume her from the inside out. Finally allowing it to take hold of her and rip her apart from the inside.
And it hurt. It hurt a lot. She wasn't sure if that was her screaming but someone was and it was as painful as the constant ringing in her ears. Her body was burning. The heat eating her, every inch of her body melting and reforming as she could feel herself change. It was time. She could feel it.
She could feel someone reach out to her, no...several someones. Thirteen someones holding her together as she was shattered and reformed, like carbon being pressurized and becoming diamond. She was crystallizing. Her thirteen selves reaching out and holding her together as she burned.
Just as fast as it began, it was over. And she could feel herself again. No more burning. No more pain. No more voices inside her head, and she could feel the new blood pumping through her new veins as she stood up on new feet to see her new form.
The thing with regeneration is that its like rolling dice. And in this case she hoped she had bet on the right numbers. She turned and looked into the mirror in the corner of her room, looking back at her was the fresh, tiny form of Princess Astra, staring back at her with an utterly confused look on her face.
Who was Princess Astra again? She looked down at her hands, noticing small scars that hadn't been there before, but these were fresh hands...how could fresh hands be scared already?
Why exactly was she fresh again? The burning...no...she could remember small bits...regeneration…the voices...the many people who were holding her together...the tall one with long, dark hair. Another tiny one with short, dark hair and brown eyes...It was her…
It was all her.
But who was she? More importantly who was the other Time Lord within the local vicinity?
"The Doctor" she said, feeling her new voice ring in her ears. It was a nice voice, soft and charming and slightly husky. Lauren Bacall popped in her head for some reason. Who was Lauren Bacall again?
"Earth Actress born in New York City, 1924" The Doctor had taken her to see one of her films once...which one was it...the one with the overly long, and slightly ridiculous orchestra introduction…
"How to Marry a Millionaire!" She gasped. It was coming back to her in small bits...The Doctor...was…her friend?
No. Their relationship was too intimate to be friends. She blushed at the memories coming to mind.
Lovers. That was it. Her and the Doctor were lovers. And very racy ones at that. She stifled a giggle. Well...At least some of it was coming back to her, even if it wasn't really the memories she needed at the moment…
Moment...The moment was prepared for! She turned around, looking around her bedroom and admiring her handiwork. It was so easy to program your room when you knew what you were doing...What was that moment again? Voices...Regeneration! She had regenerated into Princess Astra of Atrios. Why that form though? It hardly made sense in her mind, but she accepted it as the Princesses form was pretty economical to run.
Her new stomach growled as if to say "economical my as-" okay that's enough, she needed food and she knew where to get it but she should pay a short visit to the Doctor before she even got food just to let him know about this change. She wouldn't explain the reason as she couldn't really remember why, but she certainly did feel older and more mature.
But that's just what regeneration does. It ages you and she was older now. No longer the freshly graduated Time Tot she had been a few weeks ago. But what was her name again? Oops. She hadn't seen this coming. She had forgotten her name.
Good job on that one. She sighed. Wait. A name flashed in her memory, one that the Doctor had called her once on their first adventure.
Her name was Fred.
No that was wrong. Her name was something else. She thought about it for a few minutes, even going so far as to try out a few new names.
"Astra, Romana, Trey…"
Wait. What was that second one? It finally came back to her after all that time, which was slightly startling and somewhat confusing as how one could forget their name was beyond the entire point of regeneration. But names didn't have anything to do with regeneration. They were given to you at a very, very young age.
Her name was Romana. Romanadvoratrelundar. She knew her name again, so that was a sign in the right direction, her lives were finally getting on the right course again, finally.
She set off for the console room, not even bothering to change until she stumbled on her heels.
Oops. Maybe she would have to do something about that.