Vampire Chronics

Vol. 2

Jonny was playing a video game on the PS2 when Tex woke up. "Hey mom cops! This game is pretty cool." Tex looked over at the clock. It was about 12:00 in the afternoon.

"Don't you have school, kid?"

"Yeah, but I don't need to go to school. I'm already smart." Jonny said, shooting a pedestrian. "Look mom cops! I'm killing all the vampires." Jonny said happily. Soon, a trail of dead pedestrians was on the ground wherever Jonny went. A mob of cops came and beat him up. He died. "That sucks cops." Jonny said.

The next day, Tex decided he should take Jonny to school. He needed to get away from Jonny for a while, and focus on his work. He dropped Jonny off at the local daycare.

"This isn't my house." Jonny said.

"Where do you go to school, kid?"

"Willingtham Elementary."

"Oh," Tex said, "Where's that?"

"In Canada."

"How do you get to school every morning?"

"My mom wakes me up at 4:00 in the morning."

Tex decides he should leave Jonny at the daycare anyway.

"Be good to the little boys and girls." Tex said.

"No problem mom cops."

Tex drove off. He needed to see if Willingtham Elementary was really in Canada or not. No way in hell would he wake up at 4:00 in the morning to take Jonny to school. Tex arrived at his destination. Jonny's house.

"Hmm…" Tex said as he climbed through the window. It was Ms. Maxville's room. He opened the door and went into the hallway. He pulled out his stake, just in case. He passed the bathroom and entered Jonny's room. He opened the door. It was fairly big with crap all over the floor. He looked around for some useful information. Jonny had many comic books and action figures. Tex decided that he should look under the bed. Everyone hides SOMETHING under the bed, he thought. He lifted up the covers and finds… a diary. He opened the book. The first entry isn't dated, but it says

"Dear diary,

My name is Jonny and I like vampires Dracula is coo. I saw him Outside my windo yestaday he want to come in my room but I want cheese…" Tex read out-loud.

The second entry was like the first:

Deare Dyari,

Mr. Drakula came bac todai after dennir… mmm, steak anb lemonabe… He wanted me to come outsibe and plae, butt I waz reading about him in my comick anb he got mab. My tummy grumdeleb.

Does Jonny write anyway he wants to? Tex thought.

The next entry was amazingly different:

Beloved Diary,

So ends another wondrous day. I met a charming chap, name was Dracula, I believe. Somehow I can't remember what we did today, but I remember that it was a joyous rendezvous. Until next time, cheerio!

It was like someone totally different had written the third entry. Tex had no idea what could have happened. He turned to the fourth entry: There were a few drops of dried liquid. It looked like it was a few years old.

The fifth entry looked like this: On the back of the page, there was a strange ancient symbol too complex to show here.

"Dracula has been spending time with Jonny!" He yelled. He quickly left to get to the day center.

When Tex arrived at the day care, he saw Jonny playing in the sandbox with the little kids. A little boy poured sand on top of Jonny's head and laughed. Jonny retaliated by pushing the boy and kicking sand in his face. Tex pulled up and honked his horn.

"Having fun?" Tex said.

"Yeah mom cops," Jonny looked at the little boy with the sand on his face. He was crying. Jonny began to laugh.

"Jonny…" Tex said.

"Yeah cops?"

"What do you know about Dracula?"

"Uh… he's a vampire."

"And…"

"And he likes to visit me."

"When?"

"A couple of years ago. He was my friend."

"Did you let him in?"

"No Tex cops. I was reading my comic books."

"Are you sure Jonny?"

"I'm hungry mom cops. Lets get some steak and lemonade."

"Okay, but you have to promise me you'll answer my questions later."

"Okay mom cops."

Tex reached 'HUG-A-MOO', the local diner.

"HUG-A-MOO?" Jonny asked.

"You can read?" Tex teased.

"Of course mom cops."

Tex and Jonny sat in an empty table. It's about 5:00 in the afternoon and the dinner crowd is coming in.

"Are you guys ready to order?" the waiter asked.

"I'll have steak and lemonade." Jonny said.

"Me too," Tex replied also.

The waiter walked off and Tex noticed a strange man sitting in the corner. He is fairly built and is wearing all black. He turned to look at Tex, who looked away. Jonny is singing a song that is playing on the radio. Tex glanced over at the mystery man who is still looking at them.

"So Jonny, about Dracula," Tex said, "how often did he visit you?"

"I don't remember."

"Did he visit your mom too?"

"No, but my dad went outside one time because he heard weird noises."

"And what happened Jonny?"

"Umm…"

"My dad was yelling and ran back into the house. He grabbed his gun and ran back outside, I think," Jonny said. "He didn't come back… stupid dad."

"Where did he go?" Tex said.

"Who?"

"Your Dad."

"Where?"

"Yeah, where did he go?" Tex repeated.

"I don't see him anywhere!" Jonny got up and looked around frantically.

"Sit down! People are looking!" Tex said, and grabbed Jonny's sleeve. The stranger in the corner made a grunting sound, but otherwise didn't move. Some old ladies at the other table next to the Senior Buffet pointed.

"In my day young people never got up from the table without permission," one said.

"Kids these days… hooligans… no respect… no discipline…" said the other.

Suddenly Jonny sat down with a thud, and the dishes on the table rattled.

"Um…" Jonny said, "What was I looking for?"

"Your Dad…" Tex said, but then immediately slapped himself on the forehead because then Jonny went away hollering

"Dad! Where are you?"

The Management quickly threw them out. They hadn't even eaten yet.

"Nice work Jonny," Tex said.

"Thanks."

"NO! You-" Tex pulled his hat off and crumpled it. "Why can't you be normal for once! Just once!"

"I don't know what you mean, mom cops."

"My name isn't mom! And I'm not a cop! My name is Tex Madden, and I'm a Vampire Hunter! Do you get it?"

"Sure, whatever you say cops."

"Stop it!" Tex threw his hat down and stomped away. Jonny was confused.

"Are you mad mom?" Jonny said.

Tex went to the car and got inside. He looked at Jonny. "Jonny, I…" he said, "I don't think I can take care of you anymore."

"Huh?" Jonny said.

Tex tossed a small roll of money from his glove compartment to Jonny. "There's a hundred bucks. Take a taxi to the next city and find a child services office. They'll get you a proper home." Then Tex started up the car and drove away. Jonny looked at the roll in his hands. He sat down. A few minutes passed. A car pulled close by. Someone got out. Jonny blew his nose.

"I forgot my hat," the person said.

"I have a hat here," Jonny said, and looked up.

"Come on, kid, lets go get some food." Tex said and put the hat on. As they drove away, Tex asked, "Hey, where is the money I gave you?"

"Uh… what money?" Jonny replied.

"Crap." Tex said, and made a tight U-turn, almost knocking one of the same old ladies from the restaurant down.

"Bastards!" she screamed.

"Jeez, I didn't know old people used such profanity," Jonny said.

When they got back to 'HUG-A-MOO', they saw the stranger in the black reach down and pick up the roll of money off the ground. The stranger looked up. Tex made a sharp right turn next to the stranger, opened his door, and pointed at the stranger.

"That's my money!" Tex yelled.

"Finder's keepers." The stranger said and laughed. He put the money in his jacket.

"Dad? Is that you?" Jonny asked.

The stranger stopped laughing and looked at Jonny. It was silent.

"I don't know what you're talking about kid." The stranger looked away suddenly.

"Dad! It's me! Jonny!"

The stranger looked at Jonny and walked away.

"Dad?" Jonny cried.

Tex forgot about the money, and watched the man walk away.

"I'm sorry kid."

"It's not your fault mom."

"I'm sorry, but he's not your father."

"He looked just like Daddy."

"How can you tell? You couldn't even see his face under that black ragged hood."

"Dad always wore that."

"Hmm… kind of like how I always wear this hat." Tex said.

"No mom cops. Your hat is brown."

When they turned back to look for the man, he was gone. Tex and Jonny bought steak sandwiches from Subway and sat at the park.

"What are we gonna do tonight, cops?" Jonny said.

"We need to find Dracula and kill him."

"Why?"

"There are 20,000 minus 21 vampires out there. We don't have enough time to kill them all. So we need to kill Dracula."

"Four," Jonny said.

"What?"

"20,000 minus 21 is four, cops."

"No it's not."

"Oh yeah? I read comic books. I know how to multiply." Jonny said, with a defiant look.

"20,000 minus 21 is… uh…" Tex said. "Never mind. Finish your sandwich."

"Too late cops. I already ate my sandwich."

"Then what is that in your hands?"

"Your sandwich."

"Huh?" Tex looked down. He was holding his hat; also there was a bite in it.

"I thought it tasted rubbery," Tex said. "Gimme my sandwich back."

"No! Get your own! This is mine."

"You already ate your sandwich."

"Not!"

"You just told me that you ate your sandwich."

"I did?" Jonny said. "Then whose sandwich am I holding?" He made a disgusted look and threw the sandwich onto the ground.

"My food!" Tex dove down and flailed his hands, but he missed and fell into a puddle.

"Now is not a good time to take a bath, cops."

A dog came by and ate Tex's sandwich. Then it peed on Tex's hat. Tex grumpily got up, shook himself off with as much coolness as he could muster, and plopped his hat back on.

"Hmm… pickles? I didn't know my hat had pickles in it."

"MMM… pickles…" Jonny said.

Tex skipped lunch.

On the way back to the office, Tex was trying to think of a way to get Dracula. He thought about using Jonny as bait, since Dracula seemed to like visiting him.

"When did Dracula last visit you?" Tex said.

"I don't remember, Hey. How do you know that Dracula visited me?"

"I found your diary."

"Don't tell my friends! They'll laugh if they know I have a diary."

"What friends?"

"Jim and Kumar at the day care center."

Jim and Kumar were three months old.

"Why did you stop writing in your diary?"

"I lost it."

"How long ago?"

"Uh… I think it was the night Elsie came over. Uh… the night after Dracula came too."

That meant that Dracula last visited him less than a week ago. Which also meant that whatever Dracula was doing to Jonny was happening very quickly. The next morning, Tex and Jonny went walking around the neighborhood. Tex kept an eye out for anything that looked suspicious. Jonny spotted a mailman truck coming their way.

"Mom cops! Can we get ice cream please?" Jonny pointed at the mail truck.

"Jonny, that's the mailman."

"Yeah, ice cream! You're the best cops!"

Tex continued walking as the mailman drove by. Jonny looked at the mailman, and then at Tex.

"Cops? What about the ice cream?"

"Later." Tex said.

They walked to an ice cream stall on the corner. Tex sampled all 42 flavors.

"Hey kid…" Tex said, turning to Jonny. He was nowhere in sight. "Jonny?" Tex said.

"Ooh… butterfly." Jonny said, skipping on the grass. "Pretty butterfly." Jonny was oblivious to where he was going. He kept his attention on an orange monarch butterfly. "I'll call you poopy, and you shall be mine, and I shall call you my little poopy." Jonny said as he tried to catch it, but it got away. "Stupid poopy."

Cars whiz by as Jonny is on the highway.

"Move! Move!" a pedestrian shouted.

"Ooh, butterfly."

He skipped through traffic and people honk and shout obscenities at him. The butterfly fluttered in the wind.

"Jonny!" Tex yelled. "Damn it!" He grabbed some kids moped and started the engine. He zoomed off, looking for Jonny. Jonny finally caught the butterfly resting on a flower. He looked at it through a small space in his fingers. "Hello poopy."

Tex finally saw Jonny sitting in the dirt talking to himself. He got off the moped and ran to Jonny, "Thank God you're alive." Jonny looked at Tex and at the big house in front of them.

"This isn't our house, cops." Jonny said.

The house is like an old mansion. Deserted, the windows are broken and the doors suddenly open. Dead vines crept through the spaces in the wood and spread all over the house. It looked haunted.

"Hmm…" Tex said suspiciously.

Jonny opened his hands and the butterfly flew away. "No poopy!" Jonny yelled. Poopy flied into the house, and Jonny followed.

"Damn it!" Tex curses.

"Poopy? Where'd you go?" Jonny called out.

It is dimly lit as sunlight flowed through cracks in the ceiling. A chandelier hung from the ceiling as Jonny looked for poopy. Tex rushed in to make sure Jonny doesn't hurt himself.

"Mommy, I'm scared." Jonny said.

Tex frowned as he walked over to Jonny. "Don't run off again. Promise?"

"Okay." Jonny said as he noticed poopy. "Poopy!" He cried and he ran up the stairs.

"Damn it Jonny, what did I just tell you?" Tex said as he ran after them.

Jonny followed poopy and Tex followed Jonny. The stench was unbearable. Tex could hardly breathe as they came closer to a room that smelled of rotting flesh… and blood.

"Jonny…" Tex whispered. "Did you bring your cross?"

"Yeah cops." Jonny took out his cross and placed it around his neck. Tex did the same. They moved closer to the place where the awful smell came from. A rotting wooden door stopped them from entering. Tex placed his hand on the dull brass doorknob, and took a slow breath. Jonny pointed to the cross around Tex's neck.

"Hey cops! It glows!" he yelled, tugging on the cross.

"Quit it!" Tex said, and then gagged. Jonny kept pulling on the cross, and the cord was choking Tex.

Jonny stopped when a sound like a buzzing chainsaw came from behind the closed door.

"Hey, what's that?" Jonny said. He grabbed the door handle. Tex motioned for Jonny to stop, but too late. Jonny threw the door open. Tex scrambled to his feet and looked into the room. It was dimly lit, and the walls were made of cracked and peeling plaster. The walls and floor were both covered with crusty dried blood. The smell was so strong now that Tex covered his nose with his hat. There were random chunks of flesh scattered all over the floor, and large hunks were hanging from hooks on the ceiling, swinging slightly. Standing amid the slabs of hanging meat was a huge, shirtless, muscled guy hunched over a metal worktable. He hadn't noticed Jonny and Tex in the doorway; he was too busy sawing away. The man grunted every few minutes, and the Vampire Chronics were enthralled by his griskly work.

"What is he cutting up?" Tex whispered.

"I'll ask him. HEY MISTER!" Jonny yelled over the noise of the chainsaw. Then the man stood up straight and slowly turned around. When Jonny saw the man's face, Jonny screamed.

"What are you doing here?" The man said in a low, booming voice.

"Ah, we were just going." Tex said.

"AHH!" Jonny screamed. He could see the thing that the man was cutting up on the table. Tex saw it too, and gave a sigh of relief. On the table, there was a cow.

"You're a butcher?" Tex said.

"Yeah, and you're interrupting my work," the butcher replied.

"AHH!" Jonny screamed again.

"Jonny, shut up!" Tex said, looking sternly at the boy.

"He's got a unibrow!" Jonny said pointing.

"For goodness sake," Tex said.

The butcher crossed the room and stood in front of Tex. The giant man was more than two feet taller than Tex. Tex could smell the man's odor, and his breath reeked. His chainsaw was still running, and the butcher revved it a few times. Feeling nervous, Tex backed away, out the door, pushing Jonny out as well.

"Let's leave the big man alone Jonny." Tex said, backing away.

"AHH!" Jonny screamed again.

"Would you shut up already?" Tex said.

Jonny pointed and screamed again. Tex turned around and had this weird deer-in-headlights look. The man revved up the chainsaw and swung it at Tex's head.

"Oh on!" Tex screamed and dodged the blow.

"Quick, run!" Tex told Jonny, he turned around to see Jonny following the stupid butterfly. "Damn it Jonny," Tex said as he dodged another blow.

"Eh, stay still boiiii!" The ogre said.

"Can't stop this," Tex said smugly.

The ogre followed Tex around the table. Man against giant, Tex felt inferior to the giant, odor producing, meat cutting unibrowed man with a chainsaw. Tex picked up a rack of lamb.

"Hahaha! Don't make me laugh!" The giant said.

"Shut up." Tex said, eyeing the chainsaw. It looked light compared to the rack of lamb he was trying to carry. "Bring it on." Tex called out.

"Oh its already been brought it." The ogre said.

"You're an idiot." Tex said.

Just then Jonny and the butterfly came back.

"Hey mom cops! I found Poopy."

"Jonny, now isn't the time."

"Who's your friend?" Jonny said.

The ogre revved the chainsaw and swung it at Jonny.

"Jonny!" Tex cried.

"Cops!" Jonny said.

The chainsaw came down and- sliced poor poopy.

"Poopy!" Jonny said.

"Jonny!" Tex said.

"Cops!" Jonny said.

"Poopy!" Tex said.

"Ogre!" The giant said, swinging the chainsaw overhead.

Bzzrt! A bunch of sawdust fell from the ceiling. The ogre looked up and noticed that he was cutting through a heavy beam in the ceiling. He tried to pull the chainsaw out, but it was stuck and kept cutting.

"Yes!" Tex said.

"NO!" The ogre said. Suddenly, the chainsaw made a sputtering sound, and then stopped. It had run out of gas.

"Yes!" The ogre said.

"NO! Poopy!" Jonny said.

The ogre let go of the stuck chainsaw and stepped forward, laughing at his luck. But he was too heavy, and when he walked, the whole room shook. The chainsaw wiggled free and fell on top of the ogre, knocking him out.

"Pork chops and applesauce!" He yelled as he went down.

Jonny scooped up poopy. "Wake up poopy! Wake up! Why are you surprised?"

"It's 'sleeping'," Tex said. He bent down and poked poopy. It wiggled.

"He's okay, just got his wings sliced off."

Tex went over to the ogre and kicked him. And again. And again. And again.

"Whoo! Take that! Boiiieeee!" he said. Tex recovered his hat, in as bad a shape as poopy.

"He killed my hat," Tex cried, putting the halves back on his head, one atop the other. He bent over the ogre and then his hat pieces fell off. Tex covered his nose to keep out the stench and poked the ogre. There was a hard spot. Tex reached into the ogre's pocket and pulled out a book.

The book was hard-back, wrapped in brown canvas and bound with dark red yarn, like a kid's diary. It was smudged with dried blood. Tex opened it, avoiding the spots of blood as much as he could. Only one page had writing on it. It said, "How to keep a dummy busy for hours…" and then in smaller print on the bottom: "Reread this page."

Tex read the page again. He turned the next page, and then writing was on it- even though Tex was sure all the other pages were blank. It said: "World War III: Russia declares war on Britain declares war on Ireland declares war on Austria declares war on Romania declares war on Turkey declares war on Switzerland… France almost declares war on itself."

"Uh… right." Tex said turning the page. It had writing on it. It said "Boiii" with a happy face.

"What are you reading cops?" Jonny said.

"Nothing important," Tex showed Jonny the book.

"Oh my goodness!" Jonny screamed.

"What?" Tex took the book from Jonny. It was a blank page.

"I never seen anything like it." Jonny said. "Where are all the pictures?"

"There is none." Tex said.

"That's too bad," Jonny said," I like the books with pictures."

Tex threw the book onto the table. Flies were buzzing around. The meat hanging around gave this weird hypnotic effect. Or maybe it was the smell of rancid meat. Tex felt lightheaded.

"Jonny… lets get outta here." Tex said, but Jonny was nowhere to be seen. "Damn it Jonny," Tex said as he left the room.

End of Vampire Chronics vol 2.

Vampire Chronics vol 3 coming soon!