Authors Note: hey. That scene from the Vader comics where the ninth sister says Vader is "dying for a fight, dying to die." Haunts me
There are many subjects Darth Vader dislikes about his duties. One of them being calculating the worth of civilian lives. Sometimes it feels like nothing to take these lives, other times it feels like a part of him is dying with them. A lot of the time, he wishes for the second. Only so he can fuel the dark side within him more.
To Vader, there are two definitions of civilian casualties.
This is the official definition of a civilian casualty, as typed in the imperial handbook:
A civilian casualty is defined as the death of any non military combatant in a military operation.
It is when a building is bombed to remove the Rebels hiding within a secret basement, and a family occupying the same building dies. It is when a person is mistaken for a Rebel and is shot in the street. It is when an individual, who has not joined the Rebellion, supports the cause, must be removed.
This is the true definition of civilian casualties:
It is a woman. With brown hair and eyes, who is married, and who is expecting. She is twenty seven and believes strongly in democracy, and she would be willing to die for that cause.
She does die for that cause.
In the grand scheme of things, she is inconsequential. The Universe is still in motion, planets continue to grow, there is a grand funeral, with flowers and tears, and a mausoleum is built in her honor, but she is soon forgotten to nearly all who were not from her planet.
Life carries on.
Padmé Amidala Naberrie dies at twenty seven. The cause is unknown, but many say she died for what she believed in.
However to Darth Vader, it was the end of his life as he had known it.
If Vader's life was to be drawn into two halves, it would be made of this:
Before Her, and after Her.
She was the first person, who was not owned themselves, to look at him like a person and not an object. She was the sound of rain and wind, the feeling of tall grass. She was the churning of his stomach in anxiety like hot acid. She was-
She is nothing now.
But Padmé is still kept in mind every day of Vader's life. His continued painful existence was punishment for the atrocity he had committed. For everything he is committing, in the name of Order and The Sith. Her death defines his life.
From the moment of her death is when what all Darth Vader has is The Empire, and he fights for it endlessly, because if his cause was incorrect, what kind of a person would that make him? How could he live with himself if he was wrong?
That is the definition of civilian casualties.
Standing here, in this strategy meeting and looking at plans- extensive and detailed, they had taken days to create, and they included the scripted death of over three hundred thousand civilians. It would end their problem with the leaders of this planet. It would also be genocide.
Here is the thing. The death of three hundred thousand people is easy for one to understand. Everyone within this room can easily understand that many people dying. However, when an individual dies, a close friend or family member, it is often harder to understand.
Normally, Vader would not officially have a decision as to what plan is put into place, for a mission not involving Jedi; He is a weapon, he is to be used in enacting plans, not creating them. Normally Vader is either detached or ruled by anger, and he can easily sentence thousands to die without a second thought. Normally Vader would not be working with Grand Admiral Thrawn.
To add to this today was not a fantastic day. It was not a fantastic mission. The Sith Lord and the Grand Admiral should not have been sent on a mission of this little importance. It was if The Emperor was trying to irritate them.
These few days have been off putting to The Sith Apprentice. They had, for no better words, been causing Vader to act out, feel different, everything felt more. It happened to him, on occasion. When things were unexpected or outside of normal occurrences.
All Vader could think of, looking at these plans, was that one woman. How many people would die as she did, suffer as he did, as he does. It's an empathetic connection that under normal circumstances Vader would use to strengthen his hate and connection to the dark side.
However, things have been, off.
Vader denies this strategic plan. He does not offer an explanation, Darth Vader does not offer explanations to underlings. Certainly not to the officers who had created this.
Thrawn, seconds his decision immediately after.
It comes a surprise. To Vader, and to everyone else within the room. Thrawn had been acting more and more aggressive as of recent, this was out of character for him.
The meeting is quickly dismissed. In an instant hours of work was wasted without an explanation.
There is this nagging feeling that the Grand Admiral had only dismissed this plan, because Vader himself had denied it. And Vader's feelings like this are never wrong.
Perhaps the Emperor did have something specific in mind with sending his apprentice and the Grand Admiral on another mission with one another.
Unfortunately, Vader did not know what that thing was.
Grand Admiral Thrawn, as expected, called Lord Vader into his office shortly after that meeting. Likely to discuss a new plan of action.
The moment Vader entered, Thrawn greeted him, standing at rest, as if they had not just been in contact with one another.
"Lord Vader, how nice of you to arrive punctually, as always." He spoke in his usual calm and collected tone.
His office is unique to put it lightly. It contained art displayed from various planets and cultures, and would not be allowed for anyone under the rank of Grand Admiral to have. It was unnecessary and would surely be distracting to the less disciplined.
"Grand Admiral." Vader acknowledged him.
"I am... quite curious to know, why did you deny that plan?" Thrawn immediately got to the point of this short meeting.
In a moment of childishness Vader responds with:
"You agreed with me. Why did you deny it?"
"Ah- I had only done so because of your action." Thrawn says. "After all, I respect you Lord Vader, and we are on this mission together, even if officially by the Emperor's word you are under my control."
The Emperor must have had something in mind with this decision. This change in their professional relationship. Even though by now Vader was used to being tossed around by Grand Moffs, It was unsettling for Thrawn to have power over him.
"Their lives were worth more then the mission." Vader answers truthfully, because how can you put value onto her life? Then he partially lies, "It would cause more trouble for the Empire to take these lives than it would to take for the time to negotiate."
Right now, Vader regrets his decision to deny the plan. He should have approved of it. After all, it isn't that different from when Vader kills Rebels, they are both people standing in the way of the Empire. Even if orbital bombardment is slightly different, these people would not even get the chance to-
"I see... perhaps I misjudged you Lord Vader. I had believed you saw yourself as only a weapon for the Empire." Thrawn said with a furrow of his brow.
"I am an extension of the Empire, of the Emperor's will."
"Hmmm, strange, because surely you must know that it would be more efficient to have of approved of the original plan. And yet you denied it. And to offer mercy to those standing in your path. In the part of the Empire? Uncharacteristic. I feel as if something else is occurring."
Vader hated how Thrawn could read him. The ability was why he was a great strategist, nevertheless it was irritating and Vader often wished Thrawn lacked this ability.
"Admiral, Do not make me repeat myself"
The corner of Thrawn's lip twitched at that statement.
"Let me rephrase my statement then." Thrawn spoke. "I believed that you had grown tiresome from being handed around from one to another now that the Jedi are all but extinct, that you would take the quickest path possible to accomplish any goal place in front of you so you could return to your inquisitors, to not be have to take orders from someone who isn't the Emperor himself. Either you are not as good of a strategist I had thought you to be, which I doubt, or you deliberately set this mission back several days, perhaps weeks depending on negotiations. What I want to know is why. What do you know that we, that I, do not?"
Thrawn ever the logical Chiss strategist did not account for Vader's emotions in his equation. That even Darth Vader himself could make emotional choices and not logical ones. Or, perhaps Thrawn was pushing this logical side strongly because he wanted Vader to admit to his irrational side.
"I know nothing you do not know of." Vader answered.
Thrawn took far too long to process this information.
"Then, why?" He questioned, it almost sounded genuine.
"It is no problem of mine that you had agreed with me without knowing the details."
"You still have not told me the details."
"I simply follow what is best for the Empire." Vader lied.
"Surely there is more to you then simply being the Emperor's enforcer, then being a weapon that is turned from one had to another to be used."
"I am nothing more then that Grand Admiral." Vader answered. The words felt harsh to say in his throat, but his vocoder betrayed nothing of his true feeling on the matter.
Thrawn opened his mouth then shut it.
A moment a silence passes between them. Then, the Grand Admiral speaks.
"Vader." He speaks, there is a movement to his arm that suggests he wanted to raise it to the dark lord, but he decided otherwise, "You are worth so much more then you believe yourself to be worth." The word believe spoken through clenched teeth. Vader knows that once his life held an exact value, that what Tharwn is saying is wrong, a darker part of himself whispers.
"There is a lot that has been left unsaid, between us. Things that make me feel as if-" Thrawn cannot decide on what to say, and Vader does not know what he is trying to get across. It is unprofessional of the Grand Admiral.
Again, Thrawn stops. Making a decision once more. Making a calculated choice of words, or as calculated as he can in such a short time.
"I feel as if you no longer wish to be my friend. I only wanted to... continue that relationship, what used to be." Thrawn says. This could be taken as meaning what their previous mission had been like towards the end. However, Vader had a feeling he was not referring to their last adventure, but rather something that came far before it.
Once again Thrawn treads dangerous territory with these vague words.
"There is nothing to continue Grand Admiral." Vader responds quickly and curtly. Attempting to end this before it began.
"There is a lot to be said about the two of us."
"Do not waste my time with this indirect language, you have wasted enough already, get on with it." Vader harshly spoke.
Thrawn then says what Vader had dreaded, it erased what little doubt of whether or not Thrawn knew was left in Vader's mind. Because there was the grazing around Anakin Skywalker's name, and referring to the past, then there was this:
"Does is haunt you? What could have been?" Thrawn directly asks, offering no explanation as to what he was referring to. However, Vader knew exactly what Thrawn was referencing. How could he not?
That day where Thrawn kissed him, has haunted Vader his entire life.
Thrawn loved Anakin. But Anakin, of course, had someone else.
In hindsight must have been easy for Thrawn to tell. The moment they had made contact with Padmé, Anakin no longer paid close mind to Thrawn as he once had been.
It must have been obvious in that moment, the true reason why General Skywalker had rejected Thrawn. There had simply been someone else.
Now, he did not, and there was only himself left.
This question brought everything back in an instant.
Thrawn had kept asking, kept mentioning, Anakin Skywalker at every opportunity he could during the first mission the Emperor had send the two of them on. Every time the Grand Admiral had mentioned Anakin, every time he disobeyed Vader's order to stop speaking of him, Vader had wondered:
Why do I keep letting him do this to me?
And now, in their current moment he wonders that same question.
Worst of all, Vader wonders, what would his life have been life if he had not turned Thrawn down. What could the future hold if Vader told him, he did wonder what could have been. The though makes him feel dirty, like he is tarnishing Padmé just from wondering it. As if he is being unfaithful to a woman long dead.
"No." Vader lies through gritted teeth. "That moment does not haunt me."
"I see..." For a moment Thrawn looks disappointed.
The Grand Admiral then returned to the position of standing at rest, with his hands behind in back, a professional look to him once more.
"Then I suggest-"
Vader leaves before Thrawn can say another word.
If only it were possible to avoid contact with The Grand Admiral permanently.
His previous prodding and mentioning of the Jedi Anakin Skywalker had been unbearable enough on their first mission together. Now Thrawn dared to all but mention to his face that he knew Darth Vader had once been Skywalker. Vader was well aware certain people had suspicions about him, but none of them dared to voice them as Thrawn has.
What does that make all his comments, his complements he had refused to back down from? Vader's subconscious whispered. It doesn't matter what he thinks, what he wants, all that matters is the Empire. Vader forced the thought away.
Currently, Thrawn was planning a method to semi-peacefully negotiate with the Leaders of this planet. After all they didn't want a planetary wide revolution to deal with. Although located within the outer rim, the planet was not in control of the Hutts because of its mountainous landscapes and lack of easily accessible resources. However, this also meant they were in the prime candidates for Rebels to use as a base or to trade with. The simple act of making this planet a member of the Empire should make to harder for the growing Rebellion to gain footing.
Correctly, Thrawn does not bother him with the details of politics. Although, Vader assumes further threatening is done, he is not informed of this matter.
Based on the way the Chimaera's crew acts in close proximity to him, they are not fond of him. They avoid him completely if possible. Their emotions being that of curiosity, disdain, and fear in close proximity to him.
With nothing to do this gives Vader time to think.
Vader thinks of how their dynamic is changing once more. On the outside it will look the same, but it will feel different. Words spoken between them will have a new meaning. Vader cannot stop thinking of what Thrawn must think of him. Of weather or not he sees him as Anakin still, or if he has a new perception entirely.
Why had Thrawn acted so strange when Vader mentioned his duties? Vader wonders. As if he had been the one to say the wrong words.
It takes only two days before once more Thrawn calls Vader into his office.
"Lord Vader." Thrawn greets. It is the first time they had spoken since their last meeting.
"Grand Admiral." Vader responds.
"Excellent news from the Unic leaders of this planet. They agreed to meet planet side with us to further discuss a merging into the Empire."
"I see, then perhaps there was no use for me on this mission after all if no conflict will begin."
"You are going with me." Thrawn stated. "You are going to help with the negotiations, it was your idea. I would hate to deny you witness to your idea."
"Is that an order?" Vader questioned. Even if it was his fault they were in this position, surely Thrawn cannot think it is a good idea to bring him to a negotiation where he is going to act as more then a bodyguard.
"Yes, it is." Thrawn answered, looking directly into Vader's mask.
All of this, because Vader made a connection where he should not have and acted sympathetic instead of using the emotions their deaths would bring to fuel the dark side. He could have been done with all of this nonsense by now. If only he had taken the time to think before making a choice, as usual.
It was irritating to think that The Emperor may have predicted all of this in some form.
"When is the departure?"