It isn't unusual for Holtzmann to be antsy - in fact, Abby tends to treat peace and quiet from Holtzmann as a bad sign - but there's been something stiff and jagged about Holtzman's particular variety of antsy for over a week now and it's putting Abby on edge.
When Holtzmann starts hovering around her, drumming her fingers on the table over and over and over again without saying anything, Abby decides she's going to have to say something before she snaps. "What is it?"
Holtzmann's nervous drumming grows more erratic and ends with her bashing her hands against the side of the table, so Abby gently but firmly pins both hands to Holtzmann's hips with her own and steers her out of the office.
More importantly, she steers her out of Patty, Erin, and Kevin's view. "Okay, let's try that again. What's wrong?" she asks once they're alone.
Holtzmann tucks her hands in her pockets and her head towards her chest, rocks back and forth a few times before half-mumbling, "Promise you won't tell anyone?"
Alarm bells go off in Abby's head, but she steels herself and nods, says, "I promise."
"And it's not a sex thing," Holtzmann says, something wretched and scared creeping up in her voice, "I promise it's not a sex thing even if it's going to sound like one."
Abby glances down at Holtzmann's crotch and back up again. "If something's gone wrong downstairs, I've gotta tell ya, I'll try, but biology isn't really my strong suit -"
"I want you to choke me."
"Right," Abby says, before processing the request. "What?"
Holtzmann takes a deep breath, clears her throat loudly and shrugs her shoulders before she blurts out, "I know objectively it wasn't you, it was that creepy Rowan guy, but I keep looking at you and it's like I can feel your hand on my neck and I think I need to feel it again to know that it's you and you're you and you would never hurt me."
Abby isn't sure what she feels more of in that moment, guilt or love, but she knows which she'd rather act on. "Can I hug you now?"
"Mmhm," Holtzmann mumbles, and Abby draws her into a tight hug before wondering exactly where and how they're going to do this thing.
.
They settle on Abby's flat in the end, so Holtzmann can run away if she needs to without worrying about coming back, and Abby takes care to trim her nails and wash her hands to keep Holtzmann as safe as possible. Abby spent most of the night reading everything she could about choking, and she's a little exhausted, but is glad she took the time to do so; she wasn't kidding about biology not being her strong suit, but she's reasonably convinced now she won't accidentally kill Holtzmann. Bruise her, maybe, but not kill her.
(The reading was more than a little terrifying, not least on account of realising just how many times she could have killed Holtzmann while possessed. Lifting her by the neck, carrying her like a rag doll, smashing her through a window, dropping her suddenly - it was a miracle Holtzmann had survived at all.)
Holtzmann is clearly nervous again, but she can at least joke about it this time; Abby can't help but laugh when Holtzmann sprawls across the sofa and says, "Choke me like one of your French girls."
"You said this wasn't a sex thing," Abby teases while pulling a chair up in front of the sofa. "So. How do you want me to do this?"
Holtzmann grabs Abby's hands with cold fingers and brings them to her neck. "Just squeeze as hard as you want for as long as you want."
"You know what, I - I don't want to do this. But you'll tap out if you need me to, right?"
Holtzmann nods, and it's really, really weird feeling her neck stretch and contract with the motion. Abby flexes her fingers to get a feel for what she's doing, uses her thumbs to map out where she can squeeze safely and where she needs to be careful, and wishes Holtzmann wasn't quite so skinny as she tightens her grip.
This isn't Abby's idea of a fun time at all, and it's hard not to just let go and call the whole thing off. It's a dangerous idea, and reckless besides, but it's what Holtzmann needs to feel safe again and Abby isn't about to deny her that.
Holtzmann goes red quickly but her breathing stays clear - quick and anxious, but clear - until Abby squeezes hard enough to feel the strain of it. She's glad it's hard to cut Holtzmann's breath off at all, but she hates the way she has to tighten and tighten and tighten her grip, because she's never really known or trusted her own strength.
It only takes a few seconds of Holtzmann's open-mouthed, voiceless gasping for Abby to lose her nerve and let go, shaking her hands to ease the cramp in them. She's sure she hasn't done much damage, and knows that Holtzmann asked for this, but she still feels as if she's done something awful.
Holtzmann rubs at her neck, and it's quiet and even more awkward for a while before Holtzmann pulls Abby into a full body hug on the sofa. "I knew you didn't have it in you to hurt me," she says, thumping Abby affectionately - and a little too hard, but Abby doubts that's deliberate - on the back. "I knew it," she repeats. It's pretty clear she hadn't known it at all, but is glad to have been proven wrong.
Abby holds her right on back and says, "What can I say, I have a soft spot," before Holtzmann hugs her so tight the breath is pretty effectively squeezed from her own lungs. It burns a little, but it's a good burn, and puts her conscience back at ease.
Holtzmann's grin is entirely too endearing when she finally lets Abby go, so Abby ruffles her hair just to be irritating before clambering off the sofa to fetch drinks.
"We're not gonna be weird about this, are we?" asks Holtzmann from the sofa.
Abby blows a raspberry. "What's a little choking between friends?"
Holtzmann lets out a high pitched squeak.
.
Everyone notices the change in Holtzmann the next day, in their own little ways. Kevin says the scarf suits her, oblivious to the reason she's wearing it; Erin says it's nice seeing her upbeat again; Patty doesn't say anything in particular, but can't quite seem to stop smiling.
By mid-morning Holtzmann has thrown herself fully into working on her latest project, singing away to herself quite happily as she does, and Abby leaves her to it. She and Patty still need to swing by the library to look up this "Zuul" character, seeing as neither of them have found much of use online, and she trusts Erin to make sure Holtzmann doesn't blow up the lab while they're gone.
At least, she trusts Erin to make sure Holtzmann doesn't blow up the lab irreparably.
"Forgetting something?" Holtzmann asks as Abby heads for the door, not looking up from her work, but pointing her thumb in the general direction of the kits.
"Oh, we're not hunting today," Abby explains. "Just gonna be me, Patty, and everything the library has to offer on Sumerian mythology."
"My favourite kind of field trip," Patty says, and Abby loves that she isn't being even the slightest bit sarcastic.
"Suit yourself," Holtzmann says, waving them off.
"Have fun!" Erin cheerfully calls after.
.
Abby feels a weird, cold shiver run up her spine on arrival at the library, but shrugs it off as a nervous response to Holtzmann's not-quite warning.
She's got no reason to be scared, after all.
Whoever heard of a ghost haunting the New York Public Library?