They can't see my pain. I made sure of that. My mask never shows emotions and no one cares about the coffee boy. No one.
I want someone to ask me. To help me. To force me into telling them about the loneliness and the pressure. But they won't. I'm too strong. Even Jack can't tell. He tried of course but my face remained blank. A clean canvas. Only its not. The canvas is just a thin layer of white paint hiding the mess behind it. My purpose in life is to serve coffee. Easily replaceable. I could do it, you know. Only I know I won't. I'm too scared of the pain. Still, at least it would shock them and make them open their eyes.
I just don't know how long I can go on like this. My heart is broken every day because I love him. I really do but I'm just his office shag. He won't care if I go. He'll just find someone else.
Yesterday, when we tracked down that weevil and found the bodies, guess who arranged the suicides. Guess who stored the bodies and administered the retcon.
Retcon. The perfect solution. I can forget all my misery. Jack says that 1 pill is 12 hours memory loss but it triples for each pill you take so 2 pills would be 12h plus 36h. I want to forget just over 4 years. So that's 8 retcon. They're certainly easy to get hold of. I want to forget this pain. Forget Jack. Forget Lisa. Forget the pain and torture of Torchwood.
Forgetting 4 years is a lot and I'm not sure how much I'll remember so I will buy a new diary. Write some boring entries that explain it to the new me. Get a job. Not Cardiff. Not London. Somewhere I can start fresh. I might get a job serving coffee but in a proper place where I can be appreciated instead of 'Teaboy, where's my drink'.
To do list (before retcon):
Get a new job
Get a flat near the job
Write a note telling them not to follow me
Delete myself online
Buy a new diary
Write the 'entries' in said diary
Burn this diary and my previous ones for just over 4 years
I really do love you Jack, but you've made it clear that you don't want a proper relationship and my heart is already broken. I don't want you cutting the pieces any smaller.