..

A constellation of tears on your lashes
Burn everything you love
Then burn the ashes
In the end everything collides
My childhood spat back the monster that you see
My songs know what you did in the dark
- Light Em Up, by Fall Out Boy

CHAPTER 1: THE JEDI KILLER

Kylo Ren was baptized in fire.

Surrounded by flames and the bodies of his peers, he finally felt free. Like he was becoming who he was meant to be, at last.

Panting heavily, struggling to pull enough oxygen into his lungs through the smoke and ash, he dropped his lightsaber at the feet of one of his attackers. There had been no explaining to them that his own uncle had tried to murder him as he slept, that killing their Jedi Master had been an act of self defense. Roused from sleep by the noise of the imploding hut and the sharp shift in the Force, the eldest five of Luke's followers, all of them on the cusp of Jedi Knighthood, had immediately assumed the worst when he had stumbled out from the wreckage. They had confronted him, in their bed clothes and with weapons drawn, calling him a liar and a murderer, unwilling to hear him out and ready to avenge their Master.

Perhaps if he hadn't always been the outlier here - a bit socially awkward, conflicted, aloof, terrifyingly powerful with the Force - they might have listened. Or if they hadn't found out that he was the grandson of Darth Vader via a news-holo at a trading port while restocking supplies only weeks earlier, which was incidentally how he had found out, there may have been more room for understanding.

It was the scandal of the century and the ruination of his mother's precious political career. Possibly most frustrating of all was that Luke Skywalker had somehow remained above reproach, his legend unsullied despite his parentage, while Ben and Leia had been condemned in hushed tones. He had sensed the mistrust, the fear that had loomed above him his entire life that he would go Dark exacerbated, and not just from the other Apprentices, but from Luke himself.

Initially hurt and bewildered, once he had felt Luke's consciousness snuff out beneath the rubble, his emotions had spun wildly into rage laced with fear and disappointment. Moments later, Luke's disciples had come for him. Outnumbered five to one by Jedi who believed his death at their hands would be not only justified, but serve the greater good, his explanations had fallen on deaf ears.

That sinister presence in his head, the one he had been trying to resist for as long as he could remember, had rustled to life in the back of his mind.

~You know what you have to do.~

"Yes," he had agreed under his breath.

He'd swung with a veracity that had matched the beating of his angered heart beneath the heaving of his chest as each breath rushed from his body. He had looked back and forth amongst these people, whom he had once trusted and trained beside, and a look of betrayal shone forth to each and every one of them. Their attacks had only made that presence he'd avoided for so long grow louder within him, each painful singe he had felt glance his back or arm sharpening his focus.

Ben had felt the fine threads of connection between them through the Force, had sensed them gathering energy to use against him, and when he had followed suit, the untapped power he'd always avoided beckoned to him. At one time he had thought that giving in would ruin him, but as he'd fought for his life, abandoned by all those he was supposed to trust, he'd decided to finally give in to the one thing that had never left him alone.

The Darkness had risen within him, had rushed forth with what felt like a limitless fount as he'd finally stopped holding back. He had struck out with the Force, the power pouring from him like a river breaking a dam, throwing three of his attackers back with such impact that their trajectory had only been stopped by the stone walls of the nearest huts.

The push of energy had been so violent that it had also flung any debris from its path, including the hot embers of their earlier campfire. By the time he had struck down the two Jedi that had still been standing before him, flames had begun to spread with alarming speed over the thatched roofs of two of the huts and along the ground where a stack of kindling had been blown asunder. If he hadn't been so full of bitterness, he would have laughed at how utterly outclassed the three battered Jedi were as they regrouped, stumbling through the confusion of the smoke and flames to challenge him. He had defeated them, swiftly and with finality, with the same lack of mercy they'd shown him.

It was all over now, he knew. There was no going back - no home, no Light, no one, that would have him. He was ashamed that he had ever coveted the acceptance of people who would turn out to be so inconsequential to him in the end.

~Burn it all down.~

The Force rippled the air around him, as if pleased by the death and destruction he had wrought, the raw strength of it at his command intoxicating. He used it to fan the growing flames, coercing them from hut to hut and then on to the temple, watching with satisfaction as one of the walls blackened and smoked, then caught.

Something else fluttered, distracting at the corners of his awareness through the Force, through the rage and dark whispers. Panic and need, calling out to him, specifically, and he trudged quickly through the blinding hell-scape of his own making with growing dread. He closed in on the source, a stone hut that had begun to smoke as plumes of flame from its neighbor licked at the thatched roof, now hearing screaming from within. Using the Force to feel the spaces between the stones of the walls, he brought his hands together in front of his chest, concentrated, and then separated them. The small structure blew apart, dispersing rock and thatching harmlessly away from the six figures that had taken shelter within it.

His gaze met the unnatural glow of his Padawan's wide eyes, which reflected the firelight in the darkness and were oddly feline despite her otherwise human appearance.

"Master Solo!" she gasped with relief, removing herself from where the other children huddled and clung to one another in shock.

"Kiri," he said in warning, but she paid no heed and flung her arms around his waist. He stood stiffly in her grasp, the sound of his name leaving him disassociated from the situation.

~Kill them.~

"I saw them all attacking you, I thought you were going to die," Kiri said, her voice trembling as much as her body. "Has everyone gone crazy?"

"Everyone is dead," he replied impassively, and from behind Kiri one of the boys sobbed.

The heat of the roaring fire was pressing at his back once more, and he turned out of Kiri's clutches, heading towards the hangar where Luke kept his modest transport ship. Behind him, he could hear her herding the boys, and suddenly he had six younglings shadowing him. He refused to look back at them, not until he had reached the ship and stood at the bottom of the loading ramp, where he was finally met with hopeful, tear-stained faces.

~Kill them and be done with it.~

He slumped his shoulders, hissing at the sting and pull of the few saber burns slashed across them, suddenly bone weary and tired. Ben gestured for them to board. He said nothing as he closed the hatch and shut himself into the cockpit, where he took the controls and launched them into space. They had to get away from here before the authorities found the burning temple, so he plugged in the coordinates for the nearest commerce planet and put the ship on autopilot to give himself time to think, to breathe.

He settled into the pilots seat and closed his eyes, seeking out the black wraith within his consciousness. It had been a part of him, always, yet somehow not at the same time. It writhed like something alive, hummed with pride and soothed his nerves. He approached it mentally for the first time without the intent to wall it off or push it out.

I am lost, he admitted miserably.

~No, you are finally found. You will be my Dark Apprentice, at long last. Where all others have failed you, I will not.~

Ben wished that he could believe it, while simultaneously slamming the connection shut as completely as he was able, throwing the barriers back up around it. The voice that had murmured to him of his dark destiny and belonging all these years had not been a figment of his own tortured imagination. There was someone there, at the other end of the string, pulling and twisting, an immense power that stained the Force red and black.

He braced himself as he left the cockpit to face the Padawans, his own and those of the people he had just slain. They sat among cargo and supply crates, still in the main hold, looking tired and dejected.

"Master Solo," Kiri started, getting up and walking towards him with the youngest boy, Mal, on her hip.

"Ben Solo is dead," he snapped irritably, and Mal flinched in her arms, hiding his eyes beneath his long bangs.

Kiri narrowed her green eyes and huffed, looking about as indignant as a ten year old girl in a nightgown could manage, and he pointedly stepped past her to address the other boys.

"Where are your home worlds? I will bring you back to your families," he said, keeping his voice clipped.

The twins, Cafin and Ramcory, instantly exchanged glances. "Our parents don't want us back," Cafin said quietly.

"They said it was best for all of us if we went to stay with Master Luke and learn to control our powers, and tempers," Ramcory added.

Daman and Lyaki remained silent, with the latter staring at his dirty, bare feet as fresh tears slid down his cheek.

Ben realized with a jolt that Luke would have told their parents they would never see their children again if they went to train as Jedi. These younglings had watched their guardians expel them from their homes with the knowledge that it would be indefinite, probably with as much relief in their eyes as sadness. He remembered that look in his mothers' eyes all too well.

Shit.

"There's got to be somewhere you can go, I can't take you with me," Ben insisted, feeling his chest clench with panic. He turned back to Kiri, who glared at him furiously.

"I am not going back to the orphanage," she ground out through clenched teeth. "They sent me away because the other kids were afraid of me. I thought you were different, Master. You said you understood."

"I do understand!" he yelled, anger erupting from him all over again. "My uncle just tried to kill me because even he was afraid of me. We are all only in this Force-forsaken situation because everyone is afraid of me!"

Kiri set Mal down, who scampered away to cling onto Lyaki, and stepped to Ben, meeting his heated glare. "I have never been scared of you," she stated, her voice daring him to challenge her.

He let out a long breath and rubbed his face. "Maybe you should be."

"I am still your Padawan," she said stubbornly, with an actual small stomp of her foot.

"Things are different now," he growled. "I have been called upon to learn the ways of the Dark Force, and since it seems I am rejected by the Light, I am answering that call. I am an Apprentice once again, not a Master. You are no longer my Padawan."

"I have no one left but you," Kiri said, her eyes tearing up. "None of us have."

"What about Mal?" Ben asked, feeling desperation close in.

"Mal is only six. He's been with us for four years. He doesn't even remember who his parents are," she said softly.

Ben cursed under his breath. "I don't know if I can protect you, where I'm going," he said honestly.

"Then we will have to stick together," Lyaki said, piping up for the first time.

Ben's stomach sank like a rock at their nodding heads, younglings who had willingly left their fate in his hands. He thought of the commerce planet they would soon be orbiting, knew he didn't have the time to make sure they were well cared for before he would have to leave them. They weren't old enough to work or hold their own property. Abandoning them would be sentencing them to homelessness and thievery, or to be captured and sold as slaves.

He felt their fear, sharp and raw. They were wary of him, of course. He had just killed their Masters and the night had been a whirlwind of violence and confusion for all of them. But most of all they feared being left behind, being abandoned by someone they were relying on, someone they wanted to trust and put their faith into, and he found that he could not bring himself to be that person who turned their back on them. He was not the ideal guardian for six lost children by any stretch of the imagination, but he would try, and that was more than anyone had ever done for him.

"So, what should we call you now?" Kiri asked with a small smirk, sensing his acceptance of them through the Force.

He pondered a few moments before answering.

"Kylo Ren."

Notes: This story is a collaboration with leoraiismylife. If you want to pm her something nice, or want to read some great TMNT fics, you can find her over here: u/6053381/leoraiismylife