So, I realized I got it wrong with ADA Alex Cabot. She apparently didn't leave the series forever after going into witness protection and I'm a horrible SVU fan for having not known that. In any event, this idea came to me after seeing the first episode of season 13 recently.
I am going to make this a sort of reviewer-involved story as I have no loyalty to who wins out in the end and I want to hear your feedback as to whom you think it should be. I might not make everyone happy, but I think it would be fun to get your ideas and craft a story around what you'd want to see- to an extent, of course. So, in a way this is like a choose your own adventure fic. I will seriously consider all your feedback! I hope you enjoy this little tale, even though it may be a little twisted at times. Enjoy!
Part 1
There was a knock at her door. She looked up from her paperwork, having not expected anyone. She took off her glasses, rubbed her forehead, and heard another knock.
"Coming!" She called, standing up, feeling the muscles in her body protesting. How long had she been hunched over her dining room table – a table she rarely used for dining.
She glanced through the peep hole and felt her heart thud in her chest. This she had not expected…and yet in a way she had.
"Olivia." She greeted the brunette who stood, slightly inebriated, on the other side of the door. Her eyes were glazed over, red from tears. She hadn't looked right the previous day when they'd parted. She knew why – Stabler was gone.
"Alex…can I – can I come in?" She was fighting off tears.
Alex held the door open a little wider and Olivia's dark eyes focused on her, as if just then registering her presence. She knew this was a bad idea, as it always was. She could already feel the inevitable pain splaying out in her chest, but then Olivia was stepping towards her. Olivia was reaching for her and then Alex was in the other woman's arms and Olivia's lips tasted like scotch when they met in a crushing, heated kiss. A kiss that was asking for far more than Alex ideally wanted to give.
"Liv, Liv…" Alex tried to push at her as the door clicked shut behind them.
"Please." Olivia whispered, so desperate, so heartbroken. "Please, Al."
Alex shook her head but pulled Olivia closer to her. "It's not a good idea."
Olivia laughed in irony. It had never been a good idea, not since the first time. Not since Alex had returned from the witness protection program and Olivia had been so, so angry with her. It had been like punishment that first time. And now it was used for moments such as these. When Olivia's world was falling apart. Never mind if Alex might be busy or have someone else, or any number of other reasons why she shouldn't engage with Olivia, and yet she always, always gave into her.
"I know Stabler is gone." Alex tried as Olivia backed her into the edge of her kitchen island, wrecking her neck with impassioned kisses.
"Shh," Olivia cautioned, her hand finding the edge of Alex's dress which she'd worn to trial that afternoon and had yet to take off – so overwhelmed by paperwork she had been that evening. And now Olivia was distracting her. Olivia's hand was warm as it made its way up to her slick underwear. Oh, damn Olivia for what she did to her. Damn her to hell. It was so Goddamn easy and she allowed it every time. And every time Olivia took what she wanted and then returned to hiding behind her work, dating losers here and there to offset office speculation. "I don't want to talk about him." Olivia's fingers found that spot that stopped Alex dead in her tracks.
She moaned, her head rolling back. She could feel Olivia's gaze intently upon her, watching her as she touched her, gaging her reaction to the stimulation. "Co-couch, Liv. The couch." Alex whimpered.
Olivia grasped at her hips, turning her from the kitchen island, her hands cupping Alex's behind as she followed her to the couch. Alex slid down into the cushions and Olivia straddled her, pinning her to the couch beneath her. Olivia's smoldering kisses did her in as her shaky fingers worked hard to unbutton Olivia's shirt. Olivia's head tilted back when Alex's lips came to a freed nipple, flicking the other with her fingers. "Fuck." Olivia cursed and then she was pushing Alex onto her side, turning her until she was on her hands and knees and then Olivia was sliding her fingers inside of her from behind. Alex could feel the brush of Olivia's hard nipple on her lower back as Olivia's teeth worked at her neck, lightly biting then sucking and Alex knew there would be marks and she knew she would have to wear a scarf the following day.
She wanted to see Olivia, wanted to kiss her and so she twisted, forcing the detective on top of her, pulling her close so that she could kiss her as Olivia did to her what she knew how to do best and just like that Alex felt her knees go weak, he body slack against Olivia and then she was gasping, rolling in the waves of orgasm that Olivia was always so very good at giving to her. If only the woman was equally good at staying put and not running away.
The thought dampened Alex's mood as Olivia moved to sit up. She could almost guess what would come next. She would invite Olivia for some tea, a bite to eat and Olivia would say she needed to get home to sleep, or a call would magically come in and she'd run out. So, Alex didn't even say the words. Instead she waited, laid awkwardly atop her couch with her dress riding up around her waist, watching as Olivia leaned forward, putting her head in her hands.
But then she noticed Olivia's shoulders shaking in quiet tears, knew that Olivia was spiraling out of control further than normal and perhaps she needed Alex just then.
Alex sat up, moving carefully closer to the brunette, hesitantly putting her arms about her. "Hey, you can talk to me."
Olivia shook her head. "There's nothing to say. He's g-gone." She sobbed.
"I know. But he's not gone from your life. You'll – you can see him again."
"I don't want another Goddamn partner."
"Liv, partners change all the time. It'll be different, but you'll be okay."
"It's not the same." Olivia reached down and pulled her shirt from the ground. "I shouldn't have come." She got up, pulling the material about her arms.
"Liv," Alex sat back, exasperated at this repeated behavior. And she had promised herself she wouldn't plead, wouldn't beg. So, if Olivia wanted to leave, then she could leave. "Perhaps you shouldn't have."
Olivia looked down at her, eyes wide, mouth poised to speak some witty comeback, but instead she stood there bewildered.
"I mean, what the fuck, Olivia. You just get to come in here and take what you want and then you leave. You always leave. How do you think that makes me feel?" Alex stood up, pulling her dress down, adjusting her glasses.
"Al, I'm – I'm sorry." Olivia looked genuinely hurt then. And Alex might feel bad for her if she wasn't as smart as she was. For Olivia had to know, at some level, what this was. What this could have been, but was not something that only frustrated the both of them. She didn't want a relationship, she just wanted to have deep feelings for the ADA, wanted to confess them in an emotionally heightened moment, but then when it came to seeing things through she couldn't actually commit and so they had come to this…whatever this was. And Alex didn't want it.
"I've started seeing someone." Alex moved to the kitchen to pull down a wine glass. She needed a drink.
"Oh, I…I didn't know."
"Of course, you didn't know. You never ask about me." Alex moved to the refrigerator to pull out the bottle she'd started the night before. She did not offer Olivia any for Olivia would leave soon and looked as if she'd had enough for the night. Alex hadn't even begun.
"Al, Alex. I'm sorry." Olivia ran a hand through her auburn hair, shifting uncomfortably in the doorway to the kitchen.
"I think we should end this. For good." Alex spoke after swallowing the wine. She hadn't eaten that night. She knew she would regret it if she finished off this wine.
"I – but…" Olivia looked as if she had just realized she had no defense against this. For she hadn't wanted more. She'd said it a thousand times. She didn't think she could do more than this and so she had to agree to these terms. Because Alex couldn't do this anymore.
"Olivia, I like you. Too much. I respect you as a detective. Let's just…do what we should have done and not engage in whatever the hell this is."
Olivia's brow furrowed. Yet, she stood there wordless, looking so lost and confused. And Alex knew she was kicking her while she was down, but part of her wanted her to feel as terrible as she made her feel when she left. A tear slid down Olivia's cheek and Alex had the urge to go and wipe it away. Instead she moved to the door.
"It'll be okay, Liv. I promise you."
Olivia paused at the door, so much hurt and confusion playing in her stormy, dark eyes. "Alex," she spoke lowly. "I'm sorry."
Alex just shrugged and showed her out, closing the door behind her. And it took several moments, until the ding of the elevator closing behind Olivia, that Alex realized that what had taken place that night would never take place again. Even if she loved Olivia as much as she did, even if her chest constricted in that heavenly, delightfully twisted way it did every time she saw Olivia in such a way…she knew she could not go back on her word.
Olivia was bad for her. Olivia had too many demons for them to have anything serious. She had to admit it to herself, had to make herself understand.
But she couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheeks as she slumped back against the apartment door.
She'd stayed late with Fin under the guise of paperwork because she'd seen the way Olivia had looked after they'd gotten back from the Waverly St. case. How tired she'd been, how out of it she'd seemed while questioning the subject. Cragen had practically forced Olivia to go home and she'd left so reluctantly, as if she left she might never be able to come back.
Amanda had seen that look before, that bewildered, obsessed look and it had not seemed right on the woman she had idolized before coming to New York. She had seen so many pictures, watched live interviews featuring Olivia Benson and she always looked so put together and lively. She had looked forward to meeting her, getting to know her, envisioning her as more a confidant that a foe.
Of course, she had to see that with the parting of Olivia's partner under rather hairy conditions was not helping the woman's present mood. Perhaps if she waited a few weeks Olivia would come around and see that Amanda wasn't trying to replace anyone.
"Hey, I'm headed out for the night. You should go home and get some sleep. Who knows what we'll be in for tomorrow." Fin tapped her lightly on the shoulder before pulling his jacket on.
"Yeah…yeah, I'll head out real soon. Thanks so much." Amanda smiled and watched as Fin made his way out the door. She supposed she should go home, but her new apartment didn't feel much like home. It was rather drab and disorderly. She'd hardly had time to unpack half her unnecessary boxes. And New York was fabulous for delivery so she hardly needed more than her bed and some toiletries.
No, home was not on the docket. Instead, she left the precinct and wondered down the street towards the bar that seemed the place to go after work. She had followed the squad there several nights ago and found that the drinks were cheap and the food was good enough. She did not want to admit that she was somewhat hoping she might see one detective in particular. She realized it was a silly thought.
When she opened the door and peered in she saw several recognizable faces from around the precinct – the guy who sat at the front desk during the day, the guy who sometimes ran prints, the guy who sat in an office near the elevator. They would not have recognized her and for that she was rather thankful. She slid onto a barstool, ordered a drink and glanced around. It wasn't as much fun without the other guys, she realized. But she was new in town and had no real friends, so perhaps she could get to know a few other people from work.
She looked around at her options and immediately felt glum. There wasn't a single person of interest to her.
The door to the bar swung open. Amanda felt suddenly afraid that she was daydreaming the woman who entered. For it was too coincidental that she would be sitting there when Olivia Benson would walked in the door, looking worse for the wear. Amanda could see her dark rimmed eyes, could tell she wasn't herself.
"Hey there," Amanda waved her over – for some reason feeling protective of her. For she figured it might look bad for people from the precinct to see the infamous Olivia Benson looking so bedraggled and upset.
Olivia's eyes widened when she noticed Amanda sitting there. It almost looked like she might turn and run, but instead she begrudgingly put her head down and came to where Amanda was sitting. "I don't know why I came here." Olivia whispered as she climbed into the stool beside Amanda, covering her face with her hands.
"It's okay. I get it."
"I probably look like hell." Olivia laughed darkly. "I'll have a scotch." She held up her hand for the bartender.
"Actually, I think she might need a coffee." Amanda whispered to him and he nodded.
"You don't have to do that." Olivia was glaring at her. She'd done something wrong.
"Well, I kinda do. I mean, I wouldn't want anything happenin' to you…"
"Nothing is going to happen. I haven't had that much to drink."
Amanda held up her hands, but then watched when Olivia took the proffered coffee and drank it.
"Wanna talk 'bout it?"
Olivia shook her head.
"Well, I get it. I mean, I kind of get it. Fin was telling me about what happened."
"It's not Fin's business to tell. It's not yours to know." Olivia snapped.
Amanda bit her lip, feeling like an idiot. What had she thought…coming to New York to meet her idol who would instantly become her best friend? Ha, that was so childish. Olivia was only a human like anyone else.
"Oh, Rollins, I'm sorry." Olivia rubbed her cheeks. "I – it's just been a long day. I'm…I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."
Amanda nodded, feeling she might have gotten the short end of the stick when it came to Olivia.
"I – uh, he's just been with me for so long. I never…he didn't even call me." Olivia babbled on as if she had been holding all of this in for weeks with no release.
"That's really shitty." Amanda lifted her drink to her lips.
Olivia nodded, "it is." She inhaled shakily. "I'm such a fuck up."
Amanda stared at her, confused. "What'r you talking about? You're one of the best Goddamn detectives I know of. You're hardly a fuck up."
Olivia eyed her then, the corner of her lips lifted in a laugh. "Yeah? Well, then you don't know me well enough yet."
But Amanda had the suspicion that Olivia was severely underselling herself. "You had dinner tonight?"
Olivia shook her head.
"Come on, I know a place a few blocks over. Best Southern cookin' I've found so far."
"Oh…no, I'm…I should go home."
Amanda was already grabbing her coat, but stopped short to look at Olivia. Olivia saying no to her. "Oh, well…I'll go by myself then." She slid into her coat, feeling more and more off about the brunette who was certainly not her normal self. This could not be the same woman Amanda had read about and admired.
"Wait," Olivia reached for her arm right as she was about to leave. "Okay, yes…I'd like that."
"Yeah?" Amanda felt an inexplicable warmth spread through her chest at the realization that Olivia was not pushing her away. She was going to join her for dinner. And perhaps getting some good, home-style cooking into her would ease this heavy dark cloud from around her head. There was no way that a good meal couldn't make the detective feel better.
The case seemed cut and dry. A millionaire had used his wealth to keep a harem of women around him and he forced them into sexual acts with the promise of whatever they wanted. It was yet another idiotic case of power and money. And one act had gone too far and a woman was dead and it had forced the whole issue out into the public.
Alex found that sticking to business at the scene had not been as hard as she'd thought it would be. Seeing Olivia there with the new detective, what was her name? Randal, Riley, something…it had not phased her as she'd thought it might. And Olivia was playing her part well. She was sober, calm, cool, collected. It seemed that she'd pulled herself together and she looked at Alex as she had always looked at her when they were at a scene. Nothing more and nothing less, not giving anything away.
And for this Alex was somewhat relieved.
What she observed, however, was something she had not expected. It seemed this new girl had grown in Olivia's esteem. For she looked out to prove something to Olivia each time she would come back with a certain lead, would notice something that had been overlooked. Alex wasn't sure of what to make of this young thing.
And Olivia seemed to admire her a whole hell of a lot.
"Things going well, then?" Alex asked Olivia after she watched the new detective flutter off to go and talk to one of the women who had been remanded in the questioning room.
Olivia shrugged, not looking uncomfortable in the slightest being so near to Alex so alone in the viewing room. "Yeah, she's a good kid. Nice to have a new set of eyes around here."
"Have you heard from Stabler?"
Olivia shook her head, a warning look in her eyes. "Nope."
So Alex let it drop. They watched as Amanda started questioning one of the victims, beginning in that sweet, Southern way she had about her. It was so disarming and yet so very effective.
"So, who are you seeing?" Olivia surprised her by asking.
So perhaps she was curious after all. Perhaps it might matter that Alex was no longer hook and line and sinker stuck on Olivia. "You wouldn't know him."
Olivia eyed her. "Him?"
"Yeah, him. I see men and women."
Olivia looked back towards the interrogation. "Well, that's good."
Alex nodded. "Yeah, it is."
Olivia's shoulders tightened.
Alex hated that she was enjoying this moment. She could tell Olivia was ruffled, but then it apparently wasn't enough to make her change her mind about their complicated situation. So that Alex's heart sunk a little at the realization that Olivia was not going to beg her on one knee to stop seeing Tom and come back to her instead. Olivia was going to let her be taken by someone else. And so everything had meant nothing. And fuck Alex for thinking things could be different. And the most frustrating part was that Olivia didn't want to talk about things, didn't want to make anything better, didn't want to change.
And Alex couldn't make her.
Amanda was lighting up a cigarette outside the precinct when Olivia exited the building, pausing when she saw her. "Didn't know you smoked."
Amanda, startled, turned to face the detective. She felt suddenly dirty, one of her secret habits laid bare for Olivia to discover, to know. At least this not her worst hidden secret. She was certainly glad Olivia had only discovered this. "Yeah." She shrugged, blowing smoke away from the brunette. "You smoke?"
"No." Olivia answered quickly then added, "I used to when I started with the NYPD but quit awhile back. Saw too many good cops get sick from it."
"I know it's bad." Amanda flicked the ashes feeling guilty.
"I won't make you feel bad about it." Olivia smiled and shoved her hands into her pockets. "Where do you live?"
"Near Delancey. Off the F."
"Nice place. Far enough away from here, too."
"Yeah, it is. Of course, it was the cheapest place I could find on the spur of the moment coming here. It's nothing special. You're welcome to come over, if you'd like."
"Oh," Olivia looked like a cat about to run. "No, I should…I should be getting home."
And Amanda felt foolish, again, for assuming that Olivia would come with her. She had to keep reminding herself that Olivia was not meant to be her best buddy. They were working together – working rather well, she had to admit since that first few hurdle the first week – and nothing more.
"Course…right. We've had a long day."
"Hey, what about a quick bite. You know, I think you right about that place around the corner. I mean, I've never had authentic Southern cooking, but it was good." Olivia shrugged, surprising Amanda by her sudden change of heart.
And Amanda should have learned her lesson by now. That sometimes Olivia just needed a little shove in the right direction and then she would come through.