Dilemma

Prompt : which Soo Won shows his feeling and tell his mind to Lily when they talking about Yona's and Hak's kiss on Xing's battlefield

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All of the Sky Tribe Army just arrive at Hiryuu Castle while the Water Tribe Army and Wind Tribe Army are going back to their territory along with their leader, except the Daughter of the Water Tribe Shogun who stays with the King, back to Hiryuu Castle with him.

Lily puts her hand on her hips, tilting her head to the side "why did you looking so upset?".

Soo Won's body stiffened, he even isn't dare to looking back to her "I guess it's just your imagination, Lady Lily".

Lily narrows her eyes, she doesn't believe him "say that again, with looking straight into my eyes".

"why should I? beside, we're just back from Xing and I'm tired…", Soo Won leaves her and asking her to not following him because he only want to take his armor off before going to his private chamber "it's better if you rest on your room as well… good night, Lady Lily".

With that, conversation over.

Heck, she even never able to speaking with him about what happened on Xing's battlefield back then. She even doesn't know about what he's thinking about it like what he thinks about or feels about them after he saw it with his own eyes.

In the middle of the battlefield, on the border between Kouka Kingdom with Xing Kingdom, Hak lost control again. Enraged Hak had able to taken Joo Doh down and he swung his spear to Soo Won which Soo Won dodged with his sword this time. Soo Won and Hak fought and in the end, before Hak even capable to trying kill Soo Won, Yona stopped him with kissing him, in front of them all!?

Hip Hip Hooray for the brave red-haired Princess and the ex-general Beast!?

Lily, as Yona's friend, of course glad with this. Even the young General of Wind Tribe that Lily know as Hak's closest friend, much like brother, become excited along with other Wind Tribe member.

"If Mundok knew about this, he would like to searching him to settle everything into wedding party on Fuuga?! Let's back to Fuuga with this great news?!".

Lily can't help but giggles as she remembers how Tae Woo came to her, only to asking her prodding questions, what she knew about Yona's and Hak's relationship and in the end, he's told his family and yelling like that. Tae Woo and his family, Wind Tribe member were really like excited children when they knowing relationship of their ex-leader and the princess. Lily bends her head down slightly. What makes Lily wondering like this, because what Kou Ren asking to the King after that.

Looking to stunned Soo Won who speechless even after Yona & co. ran away, deliberately Kou Ren asked Soo Won with slight smirk "heh, you've became really silent, King… are you jealous?".

It needed a respite more or less about 5 second before Soo Won turned his head to her with his usual gentle (fake) smile "what did you say, princess Kou Ren? Of course I'll be glad for my cousin, after all".

Heh, even Lily can tell that he hesitated. He can't answer it immediately and the reason of why he needed a respite before he answered Kou Ren, it means he needed that much time to correct his expression and settle on his mind back to here after such event. You can say that as impact or aftershock that he got after he must witness his childhood friend and his cousin kissed in front of you.

Lily isn't the type of someone who like to interfere on other's matter. The proof is, when she asked Yona if there's anything she can help with. When she asked Yona that if she'd like, she can talk to Hak and help her which Yona asked her not to, Lily didn't interfere after all which mostly because she never get the chance to help her, after all.

Okay, maybe Lily would interfere in case if Lily has the chance and she has lost her patience because Red-haired Princess and Thunder Beast showing no improvement and too smeared all over with the matter of love.

Without her help, it still ended happy ending for Yona and Hak, so it's no problem.

The matter is the King Soo Won now.

She wants to know about how did he feel and what did he think after what had happened.

She did this because of Yona's sake, after all.

But she never gets the chance to speaking about this, till the invitation comes to her.

That night, Soo Won sits beside the window before prying open his closed journal.

The one that I wanted that time, there's no mistaking it, it was you. As I shut up myself from the outside, crouching in a small and sunless room, I wanted to be touched by you. For me, you are everything. If you won't be mine, then I don't need anything else. Forcing up a little bit of frustration, I just want you to stroke me if you know everything about me. Then you know you've won me over keep me around. Thank goodness that I shaped you with a feeble laugh and dog-like eyes, which I've able to covered my true feeling towards you.

The one I wanted that time, Yona.

Soo Won takes the brush and dips its head into the inkbrush before he writing the next entry by himself.

You won't forgive me for the crimes I've committed, I should accept that. The one I wanted that time, I peered at a version of you reflected in the mirror that looked like me. It was my discarded courage to say sorry that I loved you.

After that, Soo Won tries to escape from Lily when he realizes that Lily has the intention to investigating him about, well, you know it already. She is so persisted till he can't escape again on that night.

On that night at the Autumn, just waiting several weeks for Winter to come to Kouka.

Lily who supposed to stay at Sensui after he is able to sending her back to Sensui (with the matter of the investigation and infirmary of Nadai patients improvement rather than spending her time on the Hiryuu Castle as the reason), suddenly re-appearing herself in front of him in his private chamber that night. Looks like she's sneaked to Hiryuu Castle and she has asked Joo Doh to let her come inside his private chamber while he would guard the door.

Inside his heart, Soo Won wants to scolding his bodyguard "Han Joo Doh Shogun, you fiend. How can you let her come inside?".

"don't worry, I'll make it quick…", Lily know from his expression that he's upset, so like she said, she lifts one her hand which grabbing the letter "this come to me today and I've asked Ryokuryuu to take me here before we're going to Fuuga".

Soo Won furrows his eyebrow because Lily mentions the nickname of one of Yona's dragon companion "and that's…?".

"the invitation of Yona's and Hak's wedding at Fuuga next week".

With that, the sky above like collapses right above his head. He had prepared himself and he has known about it already.

Lily lifts her other hand that hiding behind her back all along this time, which she bringing a bottle of good liquor from Water Tribe "if you need a liquor, I have it already".

Fine, this time Soo Won should give thanks to her.

Soo Won takes a sip of his liquor before swinging his cup "their wedding… so it's finally happen, huh? I've known it since before but they were supposed to wait until I've done with this…".

Lily takes a sip of her cup as well, saying bluntly "why should they?".

Soo Won's head drops to the table as he put the cup on the table "you're so mean…".

"and you're the one who cruel", Lily puts her cup on the table, looks like she can manage her own liquor better than Soo Won and she doesn't let the opportunity slipped off of her hand at this time "tell me one thing, did you ever loved Yona?".

Soo Won lifts his head, looking straight to Lily so she's able to seen the truth she's always been searching of him on his eyes, he doesn't care anymore "yes, I did… I do love her… I loved her and I still do… are you satisfied now?".

Lily barely drops her cup.

Surprise? of course.

She doesn't expect that he would confess his feeling to Yona this time, but with this all of her question answered.

He's stunned and hesitated at that time after Kou Ren asked him if he jealous or not and he needed a respite to answer Kou Ren, because Kou Ren was right, he's jealous and he shocked by what he'd witnessed.

Many emotion appears inside Lily's chest, floating its way to the surface. One of them anger for what her beloved friend must suffer. Enough to makes her snarling to him.

"you bastard… how could you do that to her if you'd truly loved her?! Have you no shame?! She loved you sincerely and what have you done? You only hurt her?!", Lily slams the table and rises from her seat "she shouldn't love you from the first place… you haven't deserved for her love, at all?!".

Soo Won grasps both Lily's shoulder, shoving her to the wall "I know?! but do I have a choice when this country's fate only waiting for its downfall?!".

In front of Lily, Soo Won confesses his dilemma.

His reason for what have he done all this time.

His resolve to threw away everything, reform Kouka Kingdom into the strong country it was, reuniting the Five Tribes and protecting this country from foreign countries invading during this time even if it means he must have lost the most precious person of his life, trampled and cast them aside.

What he felt or he thought to Yona and Hak since before his betrayal till now.

How hurt it felt because his beloved and his closest friend hate him, even trying to kill him.

How he wanted to apologize to them even if he knew they would never forgive him, yet he didn't know what to do because he already knew, no matter what happened and what he did, he wouldn't able to forgiven so what he's able to done only fulfill what he'd strive to do and hoped for their happiness, so when he's done with everything, he could've gone without any regret.

Soo Won leans his head to her shoulder before slumped and kneeling before her "I knew this would happen… I even wanted it to happen, eventually… but she was supposed to wait until after I was gone… after I've done with everything so I could've died without regret… so I needn't to felt this hurt and this loneliness… I knew I shouldn't feel or think like this, but I can't help it… when I knew Yona's feeling has changed, I felt happy for her and Hak, but I felt jealous as well… even for a moment, I've thought that I regret it… because I had let 'em go, but… nothing I could do, nor I deserve to think or feel that way…".

Lily narrows her eyes, she wraps her hand around his shoulder, the only thing she can do as she witnesses how broken he has become "you're really stupid… if in the end you'll regret this, you're supposed to not trampled and cast them aside from the first place. Do you think, why am I angry to you?".

After that, Lily tells him about what she's been speaking about with Yona on that night about what Yona wanted to do with Soo Won that Yona still willing to understand of him from the different point of view and with different feeling. Lily tells him about what Yona told her about Hak, that Hak's grief will never be healed. Lily tells him what she knew from Tae Woo about what Hak said to Xing people about him which make Tae Woo thought that Hak still believed on Soo Won.

"after Hak tried to kill you, do you think how scared and sad Yona has become? She thought Hak's smile would disappear and when she saw him smile for the first time after he tried to kill you, which it needed several days for him to able to smile again, do you think how happy and how relieved Yona after that? With the slight of hope and pray to the God, she even cried when she hugging Hak because she felt so relieved, you know? She begged to the God to heal and remove all of Hak's wound, whether it's wound on his body or his heart which caused by your betrayal…", Lily grabs his shoulder and faces him straight face-to-face, that blue eyes looking straight into his eyes "of course I'm angry because you hurt my friend. I understand that you have your own reason for what have you done, but it didn't mean you can have that as a reason to hurt them and betray them when they've trust and cared for you all along this time. Even death… isn't enough, to redeem for your sin... You should live, live a life and do what you can do as the King, till the day will come, when they think they can forgive you and you think you can forgive yourself".

After that, Soo Won pulls her into his embrace. When Soo Won cries on her shoulder, Lily can't help but feel, that the King himself still only a mere human and a man who still can feel lonely because left behind alone and jealous because the woman he loved. A human with all his weakness, no matter how hard he tries to cover or hid his feeling.

Outside the door, Joo Doh furrows his eyebrow as he listening carefully about what Lily and Soo Won speaking inside Soo Won's chamber. He leans his head on the pillar before looking above where the moonlight glittering between the dark of the Sky at the night "three of you, really… it would be better for you to relax your shoulder and be honest with yourself for a moment, Your Majesty".

Right, that's why he let Lily comes inside Soo Won's chamber and confronts him. A moment of honesty and grieving, despite it would mean nothing and it won't change anything, at least he's able to relieved himself if he would able to get the shit off of his chest.

Not long after the sounds of someone's sobbing subsided, a creak of the door can be heard and Lily standing beside the opened door "…I've done".

After Lily gives her thank you to Joo Doh for letting her meet with Soo Won at this late, she is standing near the hence where no one around her except Joo Doh watches on his patrol. Joo Doh sees Lily stops her track near the hence before she clasping her hand twice.

Green Dragon pops his head from above, landing on the hence and reaching his hand to Lily "everything is settled? Are you ready to go?".

Lily nods her head and wraps her hand around Jae Ha's neck, leaning her head to his shoulder "let's go".

After lifts her on his arm securely and carrying her bridal style, Jae Ha waves his hand to Joo Doh "hold on tight, Lily-chan… oh, say hello to your King, from his cousin who will marry with her lover and tell him, if he wanted to come to their wedding, it would be better that he come with disguise because he's not invited at all".

Joo Doh sighs heavily, a vein popping on his head when Jae Ha leaves with Lily "…geez, should I put the guard above the roof for tighten the surveillance on the Castle?".

A/N Yoan :

Title of fanfic story this time has taken from the title of Japanese song with title 'Dilemma' by Speena. Dedicated for my sister, Maya who asking me to write this if I have the idea of this. Prompt inspired of review from Guest at 'Second Kiss' story. Thanks for the Guest!?