A Lone Blossom
I awoke to the chill of the winter, the icy wind caressing me. I awoke to the damp feeling of sweat making my clothes stick to my skin. I calmed my rushed breathing and gathered my bearings. My body was twisted oddly on the uneven ground, sharp rocks poking and prodding on my back. I moved around, grasping for a proper hold to push myself up into a sitting position. I thought I'd gotten used to sleeping like this every night. But today was one of those days where I just couldn't help but remember. So as I awoke, still dazed, I pulled my blanket around me and peered outside the tent flap.
I had awoken to the absence of the winter stars and the pitch black of the night. The clouds had covered everything with their intrusion. They'd created an ambivalent yet tranquil mood that reflected my own. Nights are peaceful. After the loud noises of the day, night brings the sweet welcome of silence. It's on days like these that I can't help but I love the night – It hides me in its darkness and sets me free.
I love the night, but I hate the winter stars; the radiance of the stars that glimmered so brightly, blinding my eyes like the sun. Winter stars are cold and dignified; they shine without thought nor care. They're high up in a place I can't reach. They shine with an unbridled luster.
But tonight was different; both sounds and figures had disappeared and only the shadows remained. Even the lights in the nearby village were shrouded in darkness. It was as if shape had lost its meaning and had been swallowed into the night. It was both beautiful and frightening. But for some reason, I almost missed the brilliance of those winter stars.
As a beam of moonlight came through the clouds, I realized that the flowers had begun blooming. A gust of wind blew by and several petals fell, fluttering like wings in the sky. They shone brightly, swirling around in the air before falling into a bog below – their pale fragility taken in by the murky muddiness, disappearing. A single flower petal came floating down my way, and I held out my hand to catch it. Cherry blossom.
"Princess, what are you doing up so early in the morning? Don't stray too far." Hak's voice rung out from behind me.
I yelped and my arm jerked, the petal falling back towards the ground. I reached out to grab it, unwilling to allow it to be tainted by the mud. But the frigid wind came once again, blowing the petal away, out of my reach. Yet though the wind chilled me, I welcomed the feeling. It meant that winter wasn't quite over yet, and that spring wasn't quite here. I dreaded spring, because spring was filled with the nostalgia of those gentle memories, before everything went wrong.
"Nothing," I replied steadily, in a monotone voice. But I knew it was no use, my expression betrayed me. My guilty eyes and smile that trembled ever so slightly. My pale cheeks and skin damp from cold sweat. I wished desperately that the clouds would provide me with that blanket of darkness once more.
He observed me carefully and almost methodically. "Hmm, is that so?" he questioned, and left it at that. He didn't ask me why. He was always like this, even way back when we were kids. Always looking at me premeditatedly, observing my expression. Then, if he determined that it wasn't serious, he would accept everything without a word. How should I make him face me? What should I do to make him happy? To make him smile? To lighten up that expression of anguish and bloodlust that crosses his face every now and then? When he looks off into the distance, it's like he doesn't even see the me in front of him anymore. Being unable to make someone shift their gaze towards you. It's maddening. I understand those feelings all too well. But I never thought there'd come a day when I think that about Hak. I couldn't handle these feelings. I didn't know how to deal with them.
It makes me so uneasy. Are you seeing me as I am now? Or are you still remembering that little girl who cowered at the thought of danger. That selfish, naïve, childish recklessness that always made you hold out your hands in preparation to catch me in case I fell. Are you still trying to be my safety net? Don't you know? It makes me want to test you, just to be sure. Over and over again. Uneasy. Unsure. It always ends up like this. No matter how much you praise my swordsmanship skills, that feeling never changes.
A rustling came from one of the tents, then Zeno peeked his head out, still drowsy, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "What are you two doing up so early? If you were going to get up early, you should've woken me up too."
Yun strode out from a forest path, fully dressed, with a pot of water in his arms, "Since you're all up, you might as well help me make breakfast. Raijuu, you should go get some breakfast. Zeno, collect the firewood, and can Yona help me go get my bag?"
An hour later, we were sitting around a light soup boiled with some roots, herbs and seasonings from Yun's reserves and the quail Hak shot down. The others had long since woken up and were gathered in the small hollow between the tents. "What are you all doing?" I asked. I'd only gone to wash my face and freshen up for a moment and they were whispering in low tones when I returned.
"No, it's nothing," Kija said quickly, looking towards the others quickly. They all nodded in agreement. I quirked my eyebrows in disbelief.
"It really isn't," Jaeha assured me, coming to my side and patting my shoulder, "More importantly, today's such a beautiful day. We should take a break and have a picnic."
"That's right, let's go flower-viewing or something," Yun piped in, "I'll prepare some snacks." Sinha's face lit up at these words and Pukyu squeaked in excitement.
I watched them all with wary eyes but decided to let it go. I had other things on my mind anyways. "I guess I'll go find a nice spot then." I started walking into the forest with Hak following closely at my heels. His silent footsteps echoed loudly in my ears and I wanted to keep some space from him but he wouldn't allow it. The cover of the darkness had long since left us, and I was running out of ways from hiding my real emotions. I just… didn't know what to do anymore. His gaze burned into me, peeling away at my walls, until I felt like I was standing on a tightrope line, or at the edge of a cliff, ready to fall over at any given moment.
"Yona," he called out hesitantly. That's all it took. The switch flipped.
"I thought I told you not to call me that!" I screamed with my eyes lowered to the ground. There was a moment of silence before he took a step forward, his weight snapping a branch on the ground underneath him. I took off, unable to look him in the eye. I had no explanation for what had just happened. All I knew was that I wasn't quite prepared to apologize yet either. I wanted to stop running but I couldn't help myself. But soon enough, they stopped on their own. I slipped on a leaf, wet with morning dew, and went tumbling downhill. The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes was a blurred image of Hak's anxious eyes bearing into mine. Then, they shut, instinctively, my consciousness quickly fading with my vision.
She was the very image of peace, lying there, a slight smile curved on her lips. Almost like a funeral pyre with her burning red hair contrasting to the whiteness of the sheets. Her skin was paler than usual, lacking that glow that almost seemed to be painted onto her cheeks.
"It's been eight hours already, why isn't she waking up?" Kija cried out to Yun outside the tent. For god's sake, just because he left the tent didn't make him any quieter.
"I don't know," Yun said in a hushed voice, "She should've been up by now. It was just a light concussion."
Jaeha clenched his hands at those words and Sinha looked towards Yona sadly. Zeno sat in the corner with a grim expression on his face. The princess hadn't shown any signs of consciousness since she'd hit her head in the forest. We'd already tried waking her up to no avail. What was even more alarming was that her skin became slightly colder with each hour that passed.
"We should make a trip to Iksu," Zeno finally said, at the twelfth hour of waiting. "He might have some idea of what's happening."
Yun nodded in agreement. "Medically speaking, she should have woken up already. So this might be some sort of spiritual issue. Iksu should know best about that."
And so, we set off back to his place in the mountains.
The door to my left was barred shut and lightly locked. The doors down the hallway were all blocked off in different ways. One was held shut by a wooden stick held across the doorframe. Another had metal chains across it. Halfway down the hallway, a string was tied on two doorknobs, stretching from one side to another from across the hallway. Even further back there were locks that required keys, passwords to go through. Some were simply just boarded shut. A few doors didn't have doorknobs, or were missing them. At the end of the hallway, there was an open door. The light pooled through the doorway, spilling on the ground. Contrasting starkly to the darkness of the hallway. I took one step forward. Then another. Then, I turned around. From the corner of my eye, I could see the door of light at the end of the hallway, but my feet wouldn't bring me there. I wouldn't allow myself to. Not because I wouldn't be welcomed there, but because I couldn't bring myself to go in.
I stepped back, turning away from the light, and entered another doorway, lacking in light, but somehow still emanating some sort of a foreboding warmth to it.
When all pieces are set into motion
An age old sentiment. Betrayal…
Will stab when we least expect it
Cleanse the wound and leave the hole
To close upon itself and leave its scars
Else the red dragon shall fall into eternal sleep
The red dragon must shed all shadows,
Through this tribulation of despair
And regain its light, restore the ever-treasured dawn
The carrier of messages will come forth
Dream sage lead the way
Iksu sighed, slumping over into Yun's lap. "I was afraid that would happen," he said, clearly disgruntled.
"What is it?" Yun asked curiously; this was a side of Iksu he had never seen before. More exasperated and irritated than ever. "That old coot… Stupid maniac…" Iksu murmured, "You'll see when you get there. You're going to have to pay a visit to the dream sage. He'll know more than I do."
We all gaped at him. Since when was there a figure like that? "How do we get there? How long will it take?" I asked him. The princess' hands had become increasingly frigid and now resembled to a cold corpse. Any more and she would suffer from side-effects once she awoke.
Iksu smiled mysteriously. "No time at all," he replied.
Several minutes later, we found ourselves in a dark tent, lying down next to each other with Iksu kneeling by our heads. He lit several candles and said, with a calm, tranquil voice, "Focus on your breathing and let yourself fall into a natural sleep." Then, he began to mutter what sounded like a mantra. At that moment, despite all my worries, all my anxieties, within seconds, I felt the darkness sinking down upon me.
We were greeted by a mist and faint melodies of the wind. The whispering of the trees and smell of incense compelled us forward until we saw the faint figure of a man dressed in a royal blue robe. A familiar figure stood before. When he turned to face us, we froze, disbelieving. Even Sinha, with the best vision among us briefly took off his mask to rub his eyes in distrust.
"Iksu?" Yun asked hesitantly.
"It's Ikta," the man answered. He was a spitting image of Iksu; the same unruly light hair and silly grin. But upon closer glance, this man was much sharper, much more aware, much more dangerous. Still as warm as Iksu, but giving off an air of intelligence and wisdom that gave him a sort of edge, and lacking in that naïvety. "Nice to meet you. I'm the dream sage. I see my younger brother has been under your care. He's probably been calling me names behind my back again. Don't trust anything he says. Seeing that he's not here with you, he's probably still holding the same old grudge," Ikta said cheerfully. Walking past us all, he stopped in front of Yun and asked, "That boy still hasn't grown up yet, has he?" Yun opened his mouth to respond but without waiting for an response, he answered himself, "Probably still needs someone to take care of him. Frankly, it's half a miracle that he hasn't gotten himself killed yet."
Then, lowering himself slightly, he looked into Yun's eyes and said, "Thank you, for taking care of my Iksu." Each word was uttered with a firm push and emphasized just how grateful he was. Yun was stunned speechless once more. As he recovered, he quickly nodded his head in acknowledgement and muttered out a few quick words while blushing, "It's not like I did much. How could I leave him in alone in that state?"
Ikta shook his head, "Really. I can't thank you enough. He's such a child. If I hadn't taken the role of dream sage, he would be the one up here wasting his talents." Ikta harrumphed, and with a glance towards us, said "And you can tell him that when you go back."
Ikta had a sort of charm that enraptured us. We couldn't even get a word in edgewise with the way he was speaking. Rambling about things we didn't know of, then switching the mood so quickly. And just as quickly reverting and lightening the atmosphere once more. A man who seemed perfectly aware of his misgivings, but accepted them. Who didn't let the problems of the past or present hinder him.
"Now I hear that there's been a dilemma. Would someone care to tell me about it?"
We explained the circumstances to him and he nodded. "Betrayal. The fall of the red dragon. A new sunrise. Things have been hard on you all. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do," he concluded.
"Why did Iksu send us here then?" Jaeha asked.
"It's just as the prophecy stated. I can only be the carrier of messages. I can only lead the way. That's all."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You all fell asleep to come here to the dream world. But Yona, she is stuck in a different state, not quite conscious, not quite unconscious, hanging in between in some sort of limbo where nothing exists aside from memories," he sighed. "I don't have the power to pull that girl from the darkness. She's stuck amidst the dreams of her past. Not in the nightmares, but back in the happier days, when she was still ignorant. Back when having that naïve childishness wasn't such a crime. A place to bask in false warmth. Much less me," he snorted, "Do you have the confidence and the willpower to bring her out from there?" he demanded.
An image formed from the mist; the princess, sleeping. I swear her lips were turning blue with frost. But then I noticed for the first time, a slight smile and peaceful expression with calm steady breaths. She wasn't suffering. She wasn't struggling. She was welcoming the cold that embraced her. My heart stopped. I hadn't looked at her properly even once after she'd fallen. I'd subconsciously avoided it, because I couldn't bear to look. But now that I'd seen it, it was too late to turn back. Wasn't this the expression I'd always wanted to put on her face?
She was Kouka's princess, King Il's daughter. Is, not was, I reminded myself. At some point, things changed. I was forced to admit it: in my heart, that girl's existence already represents something different now. But, I thought, to change my attitude towards her now, is something that I can't do no matter what.
Those words that used to slip out of my mouth so easily. To say to her, to this little girl quivering in her fears, "It's alright" or "You'll find your happiness." It had become something I no longer had the strength to do.
I awoke to sound of the birds chirping. The sunlight streaming in through the window warming my chilled body. It felt like winter had just been moments ago, but now spring was here.
I'm late. The feeling suddenly filled me. I'm late for something. As if compelled, my body moved out of bed and ran to go get dressed. What was I late for?
Right, today, Hak and Suwon and I were planning to go flower-viewing. I'd promised to meet them early in the morning. How could I have forgotten that? I hurried down to the courtyard, grabbing a small snack on the way. But why did it feel like I was forgetting something else, something far more important? A flower petal fluttered off the tree above me slowly floating down towards my outreached hand. I could feel it on the tip of my tongue - the thing that I was forgetting - almost there when…
"Princess, you're here," Suwon's voice came from behind me. I spun around, the flower petal falling to the ground, forgotten, left behind. "Now where's Hak, we're just waiting for him now. Knowing him, he should be somewhere around here."
I opened my mouth to call out to him when suddenly I heard a swishing noise come from above and blossom petals float down upon my head. Then, I felt a hand covering my mouth. I was going to scream, then recognized the familiar feeling of Hak's rough fingers and his comforting smell. "Shhhh. Le's go before Gramps catches me." Hak motioned us towards the forest. Suwon smiled and giggled quietly.
"Running away from training again, Hak?"
"Nope," Hak answered with a grin playing at his lips, "Tactfully avoiding punishment from skipping lessons last time."
" I FOUND YOUUUU!" A voice roared nearby.
"Looks like it's a bit late for that," Suwon said as Hak drooped his shoulders in acceptance.
"We'll see you later. Come find us, we'll be in the forest," I told him as he got dragged off by the collar by Grandpa Mundeok.
Silence enveloped us. "So… my birthday's soon," I winced, my voice sounded sharp in contrast to the voices of nature, but I ignored it. This was far more important.
"It is." Su-won responded bluntly.
I turned, dissatisfied, "What's with that lackluster answer?" I questioned him. He averted his gaze but I paid it no mind. Spinning back around, I continued probing, "It's my sixteenth birthday you know. It's important." Silence, and no response, but his quiet footsteps behind me reassured me of his presence. "Ahhhh, what should I do with this hair?" I curled it around my finger. "It's so red and unruly."
A pleasing response, but a practiced one. Suwon must have been feeling under the weather. But I'd staked it all on this moment so I couldn't give up now. After all that practice I'd done. "Suwon?"
"Hmm?" he answered.
"Will you be coming to my party?"
"I – " He begins, then falls silent. I was tempted to look around and face him, but I couldn't. "Yes, I will."
"Promise?" I pushed.
"I promise," he answered, with more certainty in his voice this time. I spun around to face him once more, cheering inside, showing him a wide smile on my face.
"Thank you."
"Well? Can you do it?" the dream sage asked once again.
The silence persisted. We had no answer. Which path was the right one? That was something only Yona herself could decide.
"We have to." It was Kija. I looked at him dumbfounded. Of all of us, I'd have thought that he would be the last one to raise his voice at this subject. "There's no other choice, is there?" he strode forward to face us. With quivering lips and tears threatening to fall from his eyes, he continued, "Are you all really going to let her die here?"
Sinha was next, slowly nodding in agreement. He moved to hold Kija's trembling hands and spoke the first words we'd ever heard him say, "I… want to save her."
Jaeha smiled bitterly and then spoke, "Sorry, Yona-chan. In the end, you know my true nature is to be selfish. I do what I want."
Yun wiped his tears and followed, "I'm sure she'll forgive us, right?"
From the corner of my eye, I watched Zeno. He was the one who'd experienced the pain of being the sole survivor. Other than Yona, perhaps he was the one most qualified to make this decision. His head was held down, as if brooding. Then suddenly, he looked at us all and with a broad smile spread across his face, he said, "I know she will." He moved forward, hugging the other dragons, "I'm sure everything will turn out fine. After all, she promised us that we would be together, today, tomorrow, and forever into the future."
At last, I was the only one left. Facing the others, I saw a certainty and resolve that I couldn't find in myself. "What will it be?" the dream sage asked.
I sighed. There wasn't much of a decision anyway. The others had already made their choice, and I couldn't help thinking that even if it was just one more time, I want to see her for myself, and in turn, I wanted her to look at me.
The dream sage read my expression and laughed. "Well then," he said, with eyes brimming with anticipation, "Shall we get started?"
"Thank you."
Those two words shattered his façade, and something in his expression began to change in a way that I couldn't quite identify. Had I finally reached him with my feelings? Excited at the thought, I continued forward in the forest, skipping and humming, Su-won still following slightly behind me.
Suddenly, on my far left, I spotted a bright spot in the distance. I quickened my pace and made my way over. I thought I'd explored this entire forest during my childhood, but I guess I was wrong. "There's something over there," I motioned to Suwon, before taking off running. "I'll race you there," I shouted back at him. But I'd miscalculated. Suwon was right behind me, and as I turned to shout to him, I found that his face was just millimeters away from mine. Startled, I took a step back, and at that moment, my feet crossed sending me tumbling down backwards. I grimaced, closing my eyes for the impact, but it never came. My expression still pinched, I open my eyes slowly to find Suwon looking down at me. My hair was spread across his lap and his hands cradled my body. My body burned everywhere he touched me.
"Beautiful," the word involuntarily escaped my lips. In this position, Suwon looked beautiful. His blue-green eyes sparkled in what I'd always imagined to be the color of the sea, and the sunlight framed his face like a halo. The blossoming trees like a blessing from God.
Suwon looked up and around us. "It is," he sighed out, relaxing and letting loose the tension from his body. "Did you know?" he murmured, "These are cherry blossoms. They represent rebirth. His eyes gazed far off into the distance, somewhere into the future, diving into his own thoughts, where I couldn't reach.
It made me feel uncomfortable, apprehensive of the distance growing between us. "We should do this again next year. Make it a tradition," I suggested, just a little desperate to bring him back to me.
There it was. That fracture in his smiling façade again. But I quickly came to realize that it was not just a loss of composure. His eyes were cold as ice, piercing through me. That look in his eyes was chilling; it was bloodthirsty. The same as that night, the expression on Soo-won's face. For a moment, I froze and all that I could think of was "I don't want to feel like that… ever again." I felt the world slip out from under my feet. For a moment, it seemed as if time had been disjointed, like I was forgetting something. Something important. Something I would never even think of forgetting. A feeling deeply embedded in my soul. All the hurt, the betrayal and separation. I gulped down the painful moments and locked it within myself. I shut the door and locked it tightly, not even letting the slightest hint show through.
Then, he returned to normal, and I came back from my living nightmare. As if only remembering just now, he asked, "Are you alright?" while pulling me up off the ground.
I nodded in a daze. I wonder why I didn't notice it before. Since when has he had that look in his eyes. Will I never see that kind smile again? I couldn't see it; rather, I should say that I failed to see it. All that was hidden behind his smile that shined too bright. The things he held so close to himself and never let anyone else see, I failed to notice. And that cost me everything.
I see… we've been broken for a long time now. I can't believe I didn't notice it earlier – the cracks becoming more and more visible, forming a crevice. The space between them growing larger by the minute. It was like seeing a web being woven, trapping them within, its strings thickening and tightening around them.
The realization formed a vice grip around my throat, choking me, strangling me. But swallowing that lump down just made a knot form in my stomach instead. That heavy weight, making me gag and lurch at the sudden nausea. The world went dark around me as I pulled my hand back from his grip. I could faintly see Suwon's confused expression, tinted with worry, but it was fading, fading and being replaced with reality.
Overlapped images coincided. My father is dead. My father was killed. Su-won killed my father. Su-won's blood-drenched hands reached out towards me. And I willingly walked forward into his arms. But his hands reached for me, not to hold me, but up towards my neck. To strangle. And then those scathing words, like a fire burning straight through my heart, "You don't understand a thing." When I finally grew conscious of my surrounding, I found myself curled up in some dark space, unable to stand up, unable to move forward. Sniveling in my own misery. It was disgusting. At that moment, I admit, I thought everything would be better if it were all just over. But I heard the sound of tears, silent pleads and prayers. And compelled by those sounds, I followed them, back to a circle of dragons. The sorrow they emanated were far deeper than my own, far more desperate than my own, and far beyond my own comprehension. Because what lay beneath the sorrow was not desolateness, but anger – rage and hope, burning brighter than the sun, brighter than any light I'd ever seen.
Yun. Kija. Sinha. Jaeha. Zeno. Hak. As the memories flooded my mind, the dark space lit up and they shone, as if they were one with my soul. And suddenly I became light as a feather, floating up and back to the surface.
"Princess," a warm voice called for me and I opened my eyes.
It was just a memory from my childhood. The words that carelessly came out of my mouth only now taught me that I'd unknowingly crossed a line the line drawn between us. I thought I'd gotten over it but it was happening all over again. The endless mass of voices that fought for control in my mind.
"Don't be like this; stop acting so nice to me. Your kindness is what inevitably ends up hurting me the most." I wish he could have said those words to me. He shouldn't have listened to me. He shouldn't have watched over me. He shouldn't have cared for me. Because the things that you know and experience can't be forgotten so easily. I myself recognize that fact all too well.
I only wanted to stay by his side, because his hands were so warm. Because his words used to be so kind, so I wanted more. It would have been enough if we had stayed as we were. But instead, I began a toxin that burned and corroded him. We were together for as long as I've known and yet it was over all too soon. I couldn't help but think how arrogant I was to believe that I knew everything about him.
Why now? Why had this happened now? It's already been months since the incident has passed. Wasn't I supposed to be fine by now? Or was it all building up inside me, just ready to explode? Like a bomb ready to go off at any moment.
These thoughts raced through my mind as I opened my eyes and saw Hak, Kija, Jaeha, Sinha, Zeno and Yun hovering over me and I suddenly felt this immense pressure lift off my chest. A rush of relief ran through me and I felt tears welling in my eyes. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, and watched them through my blurring vision while trying to find the words to say. They looked back at me with clenched hands, tense shoulders, and grim expressions.
"I'm sorry for making you all worry," I told them, "Thank you for all that you've done." With those words, Kija, Jaeha, Sinha, Zeno and Yun sprung forward to give me a tight hug. We all went tumbling to the ground once more. My eyes caught on a flower petal, whisked upwards in the sky by the wind. It danced and twirled in the air, fluttering like wings before it came down to rest on my outstretched hands. From the side came a faint whisper in a familiar voice, "Not cherry blossom, plum blossoms. The hallmark of fortitude; the endurance and strength that has overcome the bitter cold of the winter. A sign that the worst is already over, and the future will only bring happier times.