When the Boat's Arocking, Don't come Aknocking
Hey, Dagwood, hey, come here!"
Dagwood, who was cleaning windows, turned and saw Tony halfway out the launch bay door, hammer in one hand, waving to him and calling him. Walking toward him, he answered "What do you want, Tony?"
"Could you carry this box to my room? It's too heavy for me," Tony asked as he pointed to a large wooden box that was waist high. "But ya gotta be careful, 'cause it's breakable.
Dagwood stuffed his cleaning rag in his pocket and slowly lifted the box with a grunt, barely getting his arms around the corners. "Sure Tony."
They walked slowly to Piccolo's cabin, but had to stop several times for Dagwood to put the box down and take a rest. Dagwood struggled down the steps, twisting one way, then another, and then finally deposited the box on the floor with a thump in the middle of Tony and Lucas' cabin.
"Oh, man, this is going to be so great," Piccolo exclaimed as he stood on the chair and used the hammer he had been carrying to pry the top off.
Dagwood stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next, since Tony wasn't paying attention to him. He thought about leaving, but his curiosity got the better of him. He stood for a few minutes fidgeting, watching Tony pull smaller boxes out of the larger one and then reaching way down, finally bringing out a black box that looked like one of Lucas' speakers.
"Uh, Tony, what is that?" Dagwood had never seen Tony so excited, not even on mail day, when his 'girlie' magazines came.
Tony jumped, having forgotten that Dagwood was there, and nearly dropped the black box. "Jeez, Dag, I didn't know you were still here!"
"What is that," the GELF repeated.
"It's a surprise for the crew, so you can't tell anyone. I thought things were a bit dull around here so I had my sister send my Karaoke machine." Tony beamed in anticipation, just thinking about the excitement it would cause. "People will be jumping to use this baby."
Dagwood stood for a minute, thinking about what Tony has said as Piccolo started opening up the smaller boxes, and pulling out CDs. "But Tony, what do you do with a carrot machine? Does it make food?" He stared at the black box in confusion. "Is there a baby inside?" He thought about finding the GELF baby and how much fun that had been.
Tony sighed. "You don't know nothing, do ya, Dag. You should come out with me on our next shore leave. I'll teach you about life. It plays music and you read the words on the screen and sing into the microphone. Do you know any songs Dagwood?" He started flipping through the CDs and let out a loud groan.. "Oh, no, my sister sent the wrong ones. These are from the '80's and '90's and earlier."
Dagwood wasn't sure what the '80's and '90's were and why they would upset Tony. "It'll be OK, Tony. Everybody will be jumping to use the baby," he suggested, trying to cheer his friend up, and then gave him what he hoped was a helpful smile.
"Well, at least Bridger will be happy. He probably grew up on this stuff." Tony pushed the CDs and black box under his bed. "C'mon, I have to ask the Captain about having a party in the mess Saturday night, and then I have to find something to wear." Dagwood trailed behind him, trying to remember the words to "Row, Row, Row your Boat".
Saturday night, and most of the crew was in the dining room, eating, drinking and laughing. It was a relaxed atmosphere, something Bridger had felt was missing for a few weeks. He watched as Tony entered the room carrying a black box with Dagwood following him carrying smaller boxes.
Laughing to himself, he checked out Piccolo's outfit. He was dressed totally in black in a T-shirt, jeans, boots, with his hair dyed green and sunglasses to complete the outfit. As several people crowded around him, trying to see what he was up to, Piccolo started setting up his equipment. Not thrilled with the idea when Tony had come to him asking his permission, he had tried to discourage the young man, telling him that he didn't think the crew was going to be excited as Tony thought they would be. Personally, he couldn't wait to see Ford's face.
Uh - Oh. Lucas was laughing, waving his hand at Tony and walking away. If even Lucas decided it was foolish, then Piccolo didn't stand a chance with the rest of the crew.
"Oh, you guys, give it a chance! You'll love it! Hey, Henderson, this is right up your alley. I've heard you singing in the shower!" Tony cajoled as he stood next to his equipment, hands on his hips, a disappointed look on his face as the crowd slowly broke up and moved away. "You, Garvey, take a look at these CDs. I'm sure you'll find something you know. Give us a show, get things rolling here." Tony looked like a man selling snake oil, and no one was buying.
"No way, Piccolo! I'm not making a fool of myself!" Henderson moved to the other side of the room and joined a group deep in conversation.
"Give it a rest, Tony. Karoke went out with Pokemon cards and cheap cigars. Nobody but kids does that stuff anymore," Jim Brody urged .
Piccolo was not happy. "Fine! I try to do something nice for you all, try to bring a little music and sunshine into your dark existence and you laugh. Fine. Just don't come to me when you've been reduced to twiddling your thumbs and talking to dolphins for your social life." He stomped out of the room, shoving any one who got in his way.
There was silence for a minute as Piccolo did his rant, and then conversation started up again after he stomped out of the room. Lucas shrugged his shoulders at Tim O'Neill and shook his head. Wendy Smith had to sit down for a minute as she had been overcome by emotions. Ford gave Bridger a "you handle this" look.
"Chicken," Bridger mouthed back at his second in command.
Dagwood watched as the party seemed to go on as before without Tony. No one seemed concerned and this bothered him. "Hey!" He said it softly, then a little a louder as he stood up in the middle of the room. "Hey!" He said it louder this time and everyone looked at him. "Tony was really excited. He just wanted people to have fun."
Bridger stepped forward, looking a bit sheepish. "I'm ashamed to admit that Dagwood is right and to that end, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, I will be first to sing. Now who's next on the list?"
Dagwood raised his hand, but everyone else was talking to their neighbor.
Bridger raised his voice, slipping in his special Captain's tone, "I said who's next ... and anyone who doesn't volunteer will be scrubbing bathrooms with a toothbrush."
This time, everyone in the room quickly raised their hands.
"Very good. That's what I thought," Bridger said approvingly. "You, Ensign Chance, go get Piccolo. Drag him back if you have to. Lucas, come help me finish setting this thing up."
Twenty minutes later, a disheartened Tony showed up in the doorway, but his frown turned into an amused smile as he saw the crowd clapping and rocking to the music.
His chin dropped open and almost hit the floor as he saw the Captain himself holding the microphone and trying to sway in time to the music, not quite singing on key. "Don't quit your day job, Cap," he thought to himself as he tried to push his way through the crowd to the front.
The Captain was finishing up some song about cheese burgers and paradise with a flourish and an air guitar solo. "Thank you, thank you very much." Taking a few half bows, he smiled at the audience and the applause he received. "That was dedicated to our former crewmate, Ben Krieg. And now, I'd like to introduce the DJ for the evening, our own Tony Piccolo - drum roll please!" From the back of the room there was the sound of several pairs of hands beating on the table.
Piccolo ran up to the front of the room and accepted the microphone that was being offered to him."Heeeeeellllloooo, everybody, this is Rocking Tony P. Are you all ready for a great time tonight?" Hoots and whistles answered him. " Who wants to go next? Dagwood, come on up here!"
"But Tony, I don't know what to do," the GELF protested as Tony grabbed him by the hand to drag him to the stage. Dagwood scratched his head, suddenly feeling shy in the spotlight.
"Here, I'll show you. First. we have to pick the perfect song for you." The two whispered together for a moment as Tony pointed out several songs. "Now, here's Dagwood and his rendition of Achy Breaky Heart!"
After a very off tune, out of rhythm performance, there was a polite smattering of applause as Dagwood left the stage, a big silly grin plastered on his face.
"Well, um, that was very... interesting." Piccolo saw Wendy Smith give him a little 'me, me, I'm next' wave. " I think that the sweet Dr. Smith would like to favor us with a song."
The doctor stood up and did a slow, sedate version of 'My Heart will Go On'. In the back, someone elbowed Lucas as he began a fake snore. Wendy stood with her hands on her hips, a frown on her face. "OK, smarty pants, I don't see you up here singing. Why don't you be next?" Horror quickly spread across the teen's face as he tried to hide behind Ortiz. "What are you going to pick, George Thoughgood's 'Bad to the Bone' or perhaps " Teenage Lobotomy" would be more appropriate.
"I'm sensing, I'm sensing......anger," Brody whispered to Ford, which earned him a punch in the arm.
Lucas didn't really want to sing ANYTHING, but he was never one to back down from a challenge so he reluctantly made his way to the stage. Looking over the song selection, he recognized only a few of the songs from his college days and his roommates' parties. Nervously, he looked out at the audience, saw Bridger give him a reassuring smile, and started to sing.
"I fight authority, authority always wins, I fight authority, authority always wins." Tony tossed him a leather jacket which he slipped on carefully, still singing. The audience started clapping, which gave him encouragement and he sang louder, gaining confidence, adding a few dance steps. As he ended the song, there was wild applause as he wiped sweat from his forehead, flipping his blond hair back, blue eyes sparkling. He hit a few buttons and the machine started a new song.
"I think we've created a monster,"Bridger whispered to Wendy.
As Lucas danced around with youthful energy, shaking his shoulders and strutting with the microphone he sang "I don't wanna work, I wanna bang on me drum all day"
Loni Henderson couldn't take her eyes off of the teen. "Too bad he's so young," she thought to herself with a sigh.
Tim O'Neill was watching Loni watching Lucas and didn't like the look in her eyes one bit. He wished that Loni would look at him like that. There were only so many eligible women on the boat, and it wasn't fair if the teenager got one. He decided that he should be next to sing and casually made his way up to stand next to the Karoke machine.
When Lucas came over to start yet another song. Tim hissed, "Hey kid, it's my turn. Get off the stage, already."
Lucas gave him a shocked look; this wasn't the Tim he knew. Then he saw Tim send a quick glance in Henderson's direction. "Aaaaah" he thought to himself. Loni had charmed another one.
Tim looked over the song selections, wanting something soft and romantic. Suddenly, with a blinding flash of light, Oliver Hudson appears on stage and the party came to a crashing halt.
Tim looked over the song selections, wanting something soft and romantic. Suddenly, with a blinding flash of light, Oliver Hudson appeared on stage and the party came to a crashing halt.
"You!" Bridger came up to the stage, glaring angrily at the other man. He pointed his finger at the other man. "What are you doing on my boat? You're not supposed to be here till third season."
"Hey, get out of my way, it's my turn! You have to wait till I'm done." Tim said angrily.
"Get out of my way, you bookworm freak. Just you wait till next season." Hudson shoved him so hard that he stumbled backwards and ended up in Dr. Smith's lap. "I've got something to say." He picked up the microphone and started caterwaul loudly in a raspy voice, "Love stinks, yeah, yeah, love stinks." He went on for a few minutes, not really caring if anyone else was enjoying his singing, just trying to sing his blues away.
Finally, much to everyone's relief, Hudson threw the microphone down. Standing an inch from Bridger, he sneered into the Captain's face. "I'll get this boat someday, Bridger, and your pet teenager, too!" With that he clicked his military boot heels together and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke. There was deafening silence in the room, everyone standing in shocked silence, trying to comprehend what they had just seen.
"Please, tell me I dreamed that, please," Tim whimpered to Wendy, who was doing her best to comfort the lieutenant as he nestled closer to her.
"Um, OK, let's move on." Tony was at a loss for words, looking around, desperately trying to get things going again. "Ah, Tim, did you still want to sing?"
Tim, who was feeling very comfortable and relaxed in Smith's lap, shook his head and went back to snuggling with the good doctor, all thoughts of Loni fading.
Miguel bounced through the crowd, jumped onto the stage, and selected a song. "Everyone, let's hear it, get your hands up and clap," he directed as the song began to play. As he started to gyrate his hips, he crooned, "She will wear you out, living la vida loca." There were wolf whistles and hoots as he sang in a sultry, velvet voice and an ensign fainted when he shook his tushy in her face. Loni, cheeks flushed with excitement, leaned forward so far on her chair the she fell face forward onto the floor. Laying there in a daze, she decided to cut back on her foreign language studies and devote more time to the sonar station. Miguel finished the song with a leap off the stage and a split on the floor as wild applause filled the room.
Tony was slow dancing in a dark corner with Ensign Sherry when arms grab him and shoved him towards the empty stage.
"Um, cold showers will be available for the next fifteen minutes and the Captain wants me to remind everyone about the PDA regulation." He didn't miss the ugly stare that Bridger was sending his way. His eyes scanned the room till they rested on Commander Ford, arms folded, staring at the ground with a bored look. Jim Brody, who was standing next to Ford, pointed to the Commander over his head and mouthed 'pick him'. Perfect. Ford would probably pick some military anthem, even if he had to sing it a cappella.
"Commander?" Tony smiled brightly when Ford looked at him. "There's been a request for you to sing."
Jonathan looked surprised, looking around to see what culprit would have done that.
"Come on, Jonathan, you can do it," the Captain called encouragingly.
Ford shuffled reluctantly to the stage and looked through the CD's, slipping one into the machine and taking a deep breath. "This song goes out to a very special person who's moved on to a new place and left me. I wish I had taken the time to tell her what I feel ..feel in my heart." Lucas and Tony exchanged a look of disbelief and rolled their eyes at each other.
As, the music started, Ford let the zipper on his uniform down a bit and rolled up his sleeves. He screeched into the mike, "I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me." As the song ended, Ford was kneeling on the floor, tears trailing down his cheeks. Brody came over, helped him up, and led him out of the room as Ford muttered mournfully to himself, "Katie, oh, Katie, we could have made beautiful music together."
Henderson had seen enough. The party was becoming a depressing affair and she couldn't stand that. After all, hadn't she been named most perky in high school? Putting on her best happy face, she bounced up to the stage. "Hey everybody! Let's get happy!!" She then proceeded to belt out "It's raining men, hallelujah" and then followed it up with "let me entertain you, let me make you smile."
Tony grabbed the microphone away from her while two ensigns wrestled her off the stage. "Wow, that was really great, Loni! I hear the dogs on shore barking. And now, I'd like to sing one of my favorite songs and I'm dedicating it to all of you."
A voice called from the back, "What is it? Jailhouse Rock?"
"Very funny, Jackson. It's called 'Celebration' and I want to see everyone get up and dance!" The room was rocking with music as everyone got down and boogied while Tony sang "celebrate good times, c'mon, there's a party going on right here, a celebration to last throughout the year! So bring your good friends and your laughter too, we're going to celebrate this party with you!"
People were still laughing, singing, and dancing, so no one noticed when the music stopped. Tim leaped out of Wendy's lap and stood on the stage, staring at Tony, a troubled look on his face. "I think I'm ready now."
"Ah, OK, Tim,"Tony said reluctantly, seeing that he was the only person paying attention.
Tim cradled the mike close to him and started singing mournfully, "Feelings, nothing more than feelings, trying to forget these feelings of love...."
Loni hopped back onto the stage, hands over her ears. "No, no, happy, upbeat songs... it's a party.
While Henderson and O'Neill were busy arguing about the next song, Lucas saw his opportunity and appropriated the mike. " You've gotta fight, for your right, to par-ty!," he began energetically.
No one saw Ford wander back in and stand glaring at the teen, who quickly turned his back on the Commander and continued singing. Ford walked closer, hand out reaching for the mike, as Lucas kept backing further and further into the corner, trying to escape but not stop singing.
At the same time, Jim and Miguel started a heated discussion about asking Dr. Smith to dance and if rank gave the right to first dibs.
In the corner, Dagwood was singing "Row, row, row your boat" to Darwin.
Tony strolled over to where Bridger was trying to break up an argument between Ensigns, an argument which has started over who was the better singer and quickly spiral downward into name calling. "See, I told you everybody would have a great time," he said with a satisfied smile. "We should do this every week."
Nathan surveyed his officers squabbling like young children, and the general commotion of arguments, laughter, loud music, food flying through the air and turned, giving Tony a look of amazement. "Get real, Piccolo," he shot back as he strode away to send everyone to bed and find some pain reliever for his massive headache.
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© Karel Black 1999