They say when you're dying you see all your life flashing to your eyes.
Well, I can say it isn't like that. You just see everything that mattered to you, everything who touched you deep down in your soul.
And for Sean that "everything" was Alex.
"Hey, this is were we first met" he found the strength to say on his last breath even if every word was a wave of pulsing pain.
Pictures from the past melted whit the ones from the present.
Everything mixing until the mind just goes off shading into a endless white where there's no time or space, no coming back.
It's just the end.
Last page of the book.
The one that leaves you floating in a state of lightness, the one that when you read it you just stop a few minutes, like you're breathing every word until you truly understand what you read and your mind slowly goes to sleep.
This time, forever.
But that's not what happens to the people next to you.
They have to stay in a world without you, learning how to live again, bearing the weight of all the words unsaid.
"You were wrong before when you said the thing that mattered to me the most was saving everyone. You were wrong. What I was trying to say is the thing that matter to me the most is you" that's all that came to Alex's mind but she was sure as hell that wasn't even close to what she felt for Sean.
But how can you say in a few seconds that you love someone more then you love yourself, that you can't see a future without them, that they bring the best of you out, that they somehow complete you, they're your strength but at the same time your weakness and you'd sell your own soul just to see them open their eyes once more and tell you it was all just a nightmare.
A part of Alex really hoped and believed it was a dream. It just couldn't be true, her mind couldn't accept something like that.
Sean would wake up, he would hug her and kiss her forehead and tell her everything was going to be okay.
As the minutes passed, slowly and heavy as ever, she could feel her whole self tearing apart.
She could hear her screams but she couldn't recognize her voice as the desperation made it inhuman.
She was chucking in burning tears.
Her head was furiously hammering, grabbing and destroying everything left.
Anger, pain, desperation, denial, fear, terror… all scratching her soul leaving bleeding wounds that felt they would never heal, not even after she ran out of voice and tears.
After an hour she was still kneeled next to Sean's body.
Her hands grabbing his face.
And then she felt the perfect moment she died inside.
Because when you feel so much pain and your emotions eat you alive, when your inner demons take control… you just shut out.
To survive.
Empty body.
Empty mind.
A tiredness drowned in a sea of apathy.
But deep down the sea there's a monster who's going to bring you down day after day..
the guilt.