"For they told you life is long / Be thankful when it's done / Don't ask
for more / Be grateful But I tell you life is short /Be thankful because
before you know it / It will be over / cause life is sweet and life is oh
so very short / and life is sweet"
--"Life is Sweet" Natalie Merchant
Dana Scullys' Apartment
Georgetown, MD
January 4, 2000
6:23 am
"Hello?" I answered the phone groggily.
"Dana honey, this is your mother. We have a problem."
Instantly I was wide-awake. "What is it, mom?"
"Your brother has been called to serve in Kosovo."
I shook my head. "Bill? But mom, he's in the navy. What could they possibly want with the navy? This isn't a sea war. It's a ground war and an air war." I was confused. What could they want with my brother? He wasn't trained..."Mom, Bill isn't a trained army officer. What's going on?"
"Honey, you know they have been training naval officers in army techniques in case they were needed to go to Kosovo, didn't you?"
"No..."
"Well, they have...and your brother was one of them. Bill just called me and told me that his plane leaves this afternoon for Macedonia. Sweetie..." my mother trailed off. "I'm scared for him, Dana."
I sighed, quickly checking the cock beside my bed. It read 6:23 am.
"I'm scared for him too, mom...what are we going to do with two family members fighting over there?" Charlie was also currently fighting in Kosovo. He was already a member of the armed forces, however, and had been fighting there since the beginning in early 1999. It was now January of 2000; the war continued to rage in the small Yugoslavian country. The months of worrying about Charlie were about to escalate; Bill was going to be there as well. I wasn't sure that my mother could handle this. "Mom...I could come down there for a few days if you need me to. You know, just for moral support."
"Dana..." I could hear her thinking. "Unless something happens, Dana...I think I'll be okay. But...don't rule anything out."
I felt sorry for my mother as I showered and made a cup of tea before work.
I was worried about my brother.
Later that morning FBI Headquarters Washington, DC
"Your brother? But he's in the navy, Scully...why would they be sending him there?"
I shook my head. "I don't know, Mulder...since they've reopened the draft, anything seems possible. Questions aside, however, the fact remains that he is currently on a transport plane to Macedonia." I was trying my damnedest to remain professional and cool around Mulder; it wasn't working. He was the only person that I could talk to right now.
"Scully?" He asked timidly. "Are...are you okay?"
Reflexively, I turned away from him. "I'm fine, Mulder."
Those famous words. So simple yet so commonly used between us. I wish I could open up to him. I wish I could let him know how I feel about work, about my brother and how I feel about him and how I just wish he would hold me and make everything go away...
"Bullshit."
I whirled around; surprised that Mulder was challenging my answer. He had been hesitant to believe me in the past, I knew that; but he had never been so open about opposing it.
"What?" I asked him, blinking.
"Bullshit, Scully," he said again. "I know you're not fine. Why can't you tell me how you're really feeling? Do you not trust me? I want to be able to help you, Scully, if not out of the goodness of my heart then out of the fact that you have helped me dozens of times in situations like this and I have done nothing in return." He paused, and as I stared into his deep hazel eyes, I could see the hurt that resided in them. "Please let me in, Scully..."
I felt the tears well up in my eyes and warned myself not to let them fall. Convincing Mulder that I was okay would not work if I were to start crying.
"Scully, are you...crying?"
That was all it took. The tears began to fall and there was nothing left for either of us to do but give in. Mulder walked across the room and softly took me into his arms; I put my arms around him and cried into his shoulder. We stood like this for ten minutes or so. When we finally broke apart, I noticed that Mulder had tears in his eyes as well.
"I'm scared, Mulder..." I whispered as he held me tighter. "I'm so scared."
"Shhhh..." he said into my hair. "I'll keep you safe, Scully."
I cried harder. "Mulder..."
He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes. "Anything, Scully," he said softly. "Anything and it's yours."
I put my hand on the side of his face and gave him a small smile. "I think I need to go home, Mulder. I...I can't handle working today. Could you possibly...I mean, I don't know if I can drive safely..."
Mulder took my hand and smiled sadly. "Of course I'll drive you home, Scully. Come on. Let's go. Take as much time off as you'd like. I'm going to come back here and talk to Skinner for you afterwards. I'm sure he'll understand." He paused. "I know how much you love your family, Scully. Especially after Melissa."
As I got into my car and Mulder drove me home, I thought of how lucky I was to have someone like him for a partner. Not all partners are that understanding.
I just hoped that Bill had the same luck in the war.
January 27, 2000
Dana Scullys' Apartment
Georgetown, MD
7:46 am
"Are you sure, Scully?"
I nodded through my stony expression.
"He's a POW for sure?"
I nodded again.
"Scully, come on, talk to me."
I continued packing. As I zipped my suitcase, I felt myself shaking and took a few deep breaths. But I didn't tell Mulder. I didn't want him to worry about me any more than he already was. "He's a prisoner of war, Mulder. There's not much more to tell. He was captured when his plane went down outside Belgrade and his co-pilot was also captured. No one knows where exactly they're being held at this point in time and we think..." I stopped to regain composure. "We think they may be killed in the near future."
Mulder let out a huge sigh. "I'm going with you, you know."
I turned to face him. "What?"
He spoke again. "I'm going to San Diego with you, Scully. You think I'm just going to stay here and let this happen? I'm going to let you go across the country and I'm not going to help you out? Not going to help your family out? Scully, believe it or not, there are a lot of people out there who care about you and your family. I may not be a large fan of your brother, but you love him and I can't stand to see you or your mother hurting like this." He paused and I could sense another bombshell about to be dropped. "Skinner and my mother are also on standby in case they feel like flying down. They want to be there for your mother, Scully. They both adore her and I...I...and I adore you."
My heart skipped a beat. "Mulder, I...I don't know what to say..."
"Just let it happen, Scully. Just let it happen."
I looked at my watch. "Mulder, we're going to miss our flight if we don't start letting it happen, so let's go. I'll drive."
As I drove to the airport that morning, something felt different. I was frightened for my brother, worried about my mother, worried for myself...but change was also in the air. I couldn't quite identify it. But there was definitely something else going on. There was just a matter of time before I figured out what it was.
January 29, 2000
The Scully Home
Sand Castle Point, Washington
2:36 pm
"Dana?"
I opened one eye.
"Sweetheart, we have some news on your brother."
I bolted upright and stared into the pale and ashen face of my mother. "What is it?"
She sighed, sat down, and held my hand. "Well, we now know where we are, sweetie. The Serbian government has revealed that Bill and his co-pilot are being held in a prison outside of Belgrade. It's an underground prison, and word from the General in Belgrade is that their trial is to be held in three days. We're still trying to get them out, Dana....and we're not stopping. But, they're....well, the General said that they're not being given a lot of food or water...."
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. "Mom..."
My mother pulled me to her and also began crying. "I know, honey...I don't know how much more of this I can take, either. We have to keep hoping that they'll get him out soon.."
"But..." I stammered through my tears. "What if...they can't?"
"Dana, sweetie, we can't think like that," she told me simply. "I have to go do something to keep myself occupied. Honey, there's a snowstorm moving in later tonight and I have to go shopping beforehand. Walter and Teena are arriving today and I don't want to be lacking supplies later on...I'll be back as soon as I can, sweetheart, okay?"
I hadn't really heard a lot of what my mother had said, but I nodded my approval anyway and she was gone. I was still in tears and was in the middle of cursing God and the Serbs and my life and everything and anyone I could to give this horrible incident meaning. My brother was probably going to be dead by nightfall; if not then his death after the trial was nearly guaranteed. I was about to lose another sibling; another link to my past. I cried for my father; a victim of his own eating habits and his stress of seeing his youngest daughter not fulfilling his wishes and being a doctor. I cried for my sister, a victim of Mulder and mines' search for the Truth and a helpless sacrifice for the continuation of my life. And now I cry for my brother...the next sacrifice for the Scully family and once again, a senseless one.
But does death ever make sense?
A soft knock on my bedroom door shook me out of my reverie.
"Scully?" Came the hesitant voice of my partner.
I managed to smile through my tears. "Mulder."
He opened the door a crack and poked his head through. "Can we talk?"
I nodded slightly and he entered the room; I noticed that he was still in his pajamas.
"Are you crying?" he asked me for the second time this month. I nodded one last time; he sat down in the bed beside me and took my hand. "Scully...tell me what it is, please..."
I squeezed his hand tightly and sniffed before finding my voice. "They know where they're keeping my brother now...and it's not good, Mulder. It's an underground prison in Belgrade, and they're not feeding him or giving him water. And they're putting him on trial in three days, and I'm just so sure that they're both going to die, and I...I don't think that I can handle another one of my family members dying so soon. " I broke down completely then, unable to speak; I was crying too hard to do anything.
I remember Mulder holding me that morning until I cried myself asleep.
I awoke four hours later, still in his arms. He was sleeping also. I couldn't help but notice both the dried tears on his face and how incredibly peaceful he looked when he was sleeping. I wished that peace for him every day of his life.
Settling into his embrace once more, I attempted to sleep again.
The next time I awoke, around 8:00 that evening, he was gone. I was still in my pajamas; by the feel of the sheet next to me, Mulder hadn't been gone long. I felt cold and alone; it was then that I chose to peek through the blinds and see what the weather was like on the beach.
It was snowing like a son of a bitch.
There weren't many times in my life that I had seen so much snow on the beach. There weren't many times in which I had seen snow on the beach, period. And this was just absurd. There was so much snow that I couldn't see any farther than the front porch and vaguely, my mothers' car. It seemed to have been snowing for quite some time; and since my internal clock had been sent askew from sleeping so much, I didn't really have a very clear idea of what time it was or what, exactly, was happening.
Then I remembered: Skinner and Mulder's mother were arriving today.
Quickly throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, I brushed my hair and walked downstairs. In the living room, gathered in front of the fireplace and the television, were the people in the world I cared most about. Mulder was sitting in the corner, talking to my friend Ellen; her children were asleep with Bills' wife and kids on the other end of the room. They were shrouded in blankets. My mother was sitting in the center of the couch, with Skinner on one side of her (he was holding her hand and she seemed to like it) and Mulder's mother on the other (she was talking to her and had tears in her eyes). Charlie was sitting next to Mulder's mother (he had been sent home from Kosovo the second Bill had been apprehended) and his wife and children were on the floor next to the couch. All together, they looked like an extended family that really cared about each other.
But...there was one big part missing.
I tried to imagine what this situation would be like were my father here; were Melissa here. What this would be like if it hadn't happened at all and Bill were fine and here and if it *were* just an extended family gathering in the middle of winter to enjoy a freak snowstorm and each others' company.
Once again, the tears began to fall.
Finally, someone noticed me.
It would figure that it would have to be Mulder.
"Hey there, sleepyhead..." he smiled softly at me and I felt my heart wrench. He could still make me all warm and fuzzy inside even when my brother was being held by the enemy and was probably going to die...
"Dana, sweetheart, they just showed your brother on the news," my mother spoke up. Her voice was raspy and hoarse. I assumed that she had been screaming. "I..." she stopped. Skinner cleared his throat, squeezed her hand, and looked up at me. There were dark circles under his eyes. I don't think I'd ever seen him look that old.
"Things aren't looking good, Agent Scully," he stated simply; without the emotion I knew he wanted to give it but was conditioned not to. His gaze shifted back to my mother and I felt the ground underneath me tilt. I needed to get out. Now.
I turned my back on my family and walked to the back door. The snow had since let up a little, and I was able to pry the sliding glass door open and walk out onto the back porch. It wasn't enough. I could still see my family, sitting on the couch with their hearts ripping out and their tear ducts working overtime. I didn't want to be around them anymore. I didn't want to be around anyone anymore.
In no time, I reached the ocean. The water was freezing as it quickly soaked through my cotton shoes, and I shivered with the cold as the snow hit my face. Wind whipped my hair and my coat around like rag dolls; the dark, luminous clouds on the horizon brought tears to my eyes yet again.
I felt that I deserved this.
I was living; I was fine. My brother was somewhere dying and I was fine. I was Dana "Life is Sweet" Scully; whose sister, father, and brother all met untimely deaths and faced horrific tragedies while they were living; and yet all the while I was handed everything on a silver platter and didn't even give a damn about any of it.
I didn't deserve to live.
Just as I had decided to fling myself headfirst into the ocean, a pair of strong arms around my body caused me to gasp. Refusing to turn around, I continued to stand ankle- deep in the water; my head facing forward and my body unwavering. Then, a message in my ear; whispered and soft:
"If you are even thinking what I think you're thinking then you'd better stop thinking it right now, Dana Scully. Cause if you don't, then I am going to have to make you stop thinking it. And I don't know if you want that."
I raised an eyebrow as Mulders' arms held me tighter. "I can't stop thinking about it, Mulder...I deserve to die. Right here, right now. And I don't see anything that you could do that could make me stop thinking about it right now." Tears froze on my face.
"Oh yeah?" He breathed in my ear, suddenly whirling me around and pressing my lips to his.
My world stopped spinning.
Scratch that. My world spun out of it's *orbit*. I'm sure of that now.
It wasn't like this was my first kiss; by far. But, in a way, it was; never in my life had I ever received a kiss from someone whom I was in love with.
Love with?
Without even thinking it, I had said I was in love with him. Was I?
Mulder was the first to break the kiss. "Scully..."
I noticed that he too had frozen tears running down his face and I smiled despite the frozen weather. "I don't remember what I was thinking about a minute ago, Mulder..."
He grinned. "I'm so glad..."
I took his frozen hand in mine. "Could we...do that again?" I asked shyly.
His grin became larger. "Of course we can do it again," he replied. "But...can we take this inside, first?"
I wrinkled my nose. "With my family?"
He buried his face in my neck, kissing the side of it quickly. I shivered. "No, silly. We're going to go upstairs for the next one." Upon seeing my wide eyes, he squeezed my hand tighter. "No, no, Dana, we're not going to do that. I want to hold you." Then his voice became so soft I could barely hear it: "For tonight, anyway."
I finally lifted my frozen feet from the ocean and walked with Mulder, hand in hand, back to the beach house. It was still snowing (and my family was still seating by the fireplace) as Mulder and I furtively made our way up the stairs to my bedroom. Upon arriving there, Mulder and I changed quickly into pajamas and then crawled into my bed.
"Kiss me," I whispered to him as his lips descended upon mine.
After one delicious passionate kiss, we fell asleep in each other's arms, oblivious to the world around us and the pain that both of us were feeling deep inside.
February 3, 2000 The Scully Home Sand Castle Point, Washington 3:36 pm
I was in the kitchen, making a new batch of iced tea and hot chocolate, when my mother began screaming. At first I didn't think much of it; she had been screaming a lot in the past week or so and I didn't want to assume the worst in case it was nothing.
Then, Teena Mulder ran into the kitchen. "Dana, come quick!" She cried. "There's been some wonderful news!"
I dropped the spoon I had been using and ran with Teena back into the living room. My mother was standing for the first time in days; she was crying and screaming and Skinner was holding her and he was crying too. Mulder was sitting petting my dog by the fire-as soon as he saw me, though, his smile grew to one of stunning brilliance and he stood up to receive me. Charlie, his wife, Bills' wife, and their children were all sobbing and laughing and hugging...and then I heard the news reporter:
"To repeat, this is a joyous moment in the United States as we have just received word that both William Scully, Jr., and Robert Conroy have been released from prison in Belgrade, Kosovo. We'll have more, plus the reactions of the victims themselves, as soon as we can establish contact with them. Back to you in the studio, Tracy."
I couldn't believe my ears. My brother: free! I screamed with joy and Teena whirled me around in her arms. My tears began falling without abandon; my joy was unbridled and as Mulder neared me I threw myself into his arms. "Mulder, he's free! My brother is free! He's alive, Mulder, he's alive!"
Mulder was crying as well; as he swung me around, I could not remember a time in which I had been this happy. My entire family decided that night to have a party as soon as Bill got home in his honor. He would be on the next plane to Seattle; we only hoped that he would be able to make in during the snowy weather.
February 4, 2000
The Scully Home
Sand Castle Point, Washington
10:30 pm
"Bill, are you doing okay?"
My brother looked at me and smiled. "Dana, I have never been better."
I sat down beside him and smiled back. Taking his hand, I leaned close to him and became serious. "Even though Mulder and Teena are here, Bill?"
Bill squeezed my hand in reply. "Dana, if this Mulder cares so much about our family, and you...and if his mother feels the same way...then I don't see any reason why I wouldn't mind them being here." He paused as a grin lit up my face. "And I see that he makes you happy, Dana. Really, that's all I that I need to see."
"Thank you so much, Bill...you have no idea how much I wanted to hear those words."
Bill pat me on the back as Mulder entered the room.
"Scully..." Mulder held his hand out to me and I took it. He led me into a standing position and met my eyes with a serious smile. "Come with me."
Without knowing what was going on, Mulder led me outside; onto the porch in the backyard. Upon surveying the area (as much as he could; it was snowing again), he shook his head and led me further down the beach, until we were at nearly the same spot we had been when he had first kissed me a week before. He turned to me in the freezing cold and began, slowly and softly, to speak:
"Scully...I don't even know where to begin. I...I have known you for seven and a half years now. I don't think anyone has ever known me as well as you do. I haven't given this much of myself to someone so willingly before; ever. But...the events of this trip; no matter how horrific they might have been in the first place, have turned out being the best week and a half of my life, no question. There is nothing that I have ever wanted more in my life than to be with you; to hold you and to kiss you and to tell you that I would keep you safe." He took both my hands and made love to me with his eyes. "I love you, Dana Scully, and I want you to know just how much these past few days have meant to me."
I didn't know what to say; if this had been any other time, I probably would have turned and run back into the beach house, never to return. But not this time; it was different.
I cleared my throat and wiped a stray tear from my face.
"Mulder, I...I don't know what to say. It seems I never know what to say anymore, you know that? Um...well, I think I'd better say this, at least: you are the most amazing person I have ever known in my life. I have grown up not believing that I was either deserving or capable of love or of being loved-" I stopped as I saw Mulder about to interject. "-Stop it, Mulder, I'm not finished yet. Anyway...I don't know, Mulder, it's just that I've never been in love with anyone before I knew you...and I don't know what I would do if I *didn't* have you to hold, to love, and to keep me safe. I need you, Fox Mulder, and I love you more than anything in the world. I'm not afraid to admit that now."
I looked up and our eyes met; Mulder leaned in and kissed me softly.
As we came apart, he whispered something in my ear:
"Marry me."
My eyes grew wide. "What?"
He took my right hand in his and got down on one knee. In all of that snow and water and freeze, Fox Mulder got down on one knee and repeated his statement; this time expanding it and making it louder.
"I said, Dana Scully, will you marry me?"
I was speechless. Mulder squeezed my hand, to encourage me; and I quickly managed to find my voice and whisper:
"Yes." Pausing, I wiped a few tears from my face. "Fox Mulder, I would be more than happy to marry you...you are the only person whom I will ever love and I would be so honored to be your wife."
Mulder raised himself into a standing position once again and brought me to him for a crushing kiss; one that defied all laws of physics and managed to make me feel warm despite the freezing cold temperatures.
That evening, while sitting in Mulders' arms in front of the fireplace, I once again surveyed my family: there was my mother, chatting happily and laughing with Teena Mulder; Skinner had his arms around her and would kiss her cheek every now and then. Bill, his wife, and their children were all playing and sharing stories with Charlie, his wife, and their children. Ellen was talking with Bill and Charlie; every now and then she would make a comment to mom, Teena, and Skinner. And every now and then, someone would look over and Mulder and me and make some offhanded comment about "lovebirds."
I didn't mind. I was sitting in my living room with everyone that I knew and loved. The man I was going to marry and share the rest of my life with was sitting with his arms around me; my mother was happy, and the spirits of my father and of Melissa were very much with us that night. My brother sat on the edge of the couch, enjoying being alive with his family and with the very essence of what kept him going during his imprisonment.
As I looked around the room and then into Mulders' hazel eyes, I couldn't help smiling.
This time, there was no one missing.
Copyright April 6, 1999
--"Life is Sweet" Natalie Merchant
Dana Scullys' Apartment
Georgetown, MD
January 4, 2000
6:23 am
"Hello?" I answered the phone groggily.
"Dana honey, this is your mother. We have a problem."
Instantly I was wide-awake. "What is it, mom?"
"Your brother has been called to serve in Kosovo."
I shook my head. "Bill? But mom, he's in the navy. What could they possibly want with the navy? This isn't a sea war. It's a ground war and an air war." I was confused. What could they want with my brother? He wasn't trained..."Mom, Bill isn't a trained army officer. What's going on?"
"Honey, you know they have been training naval officers in army techniques in case they were needed to go to Kosovo, didn't you?"
"No..."
"Well, they have...and your brother was one of them. Bill just called me and told me that his plane leaves this afternoon for Macedonia. Sweetie..." my mother trailed off. "I'm scared for him, Dana."
I sighed, quickly checking the cock beside my bed. It read 6:23 am.
"I'm scared for him too, mom...what are we going to do with two family members fighting over there?" Charlie was also currently fighting in Kosovo. He was already a member of the armed forces, however, and had been fighting there since the beginning in early 1999. It was now January of 2000; the war continued to rage in the small Yugoslavian country. The months of worrying about Charlie were about to escalate; Bill was going to be there as well. I wasn't sure that my mother could handle this. "Mom...I could come down there for a few days if you need me to. You know, just for moral support."
"Dana..." I could hear her thinking. "Unless something happens, Dana...I think I'll be okay. But...don't rule anything out."
I felt sorry for my mother as I showered and made a cup of tea before work.
I was worried about my brother.
Later that morning FBI Headquarters Washington, DC
"Your brother? But he's in the navy, Scully...why would they be sending him there?"
I shook my head. "I don't know, Mulder...since they've reopened the draft, anything seems possible. Questions aside, however, the fact remains that he is currently on a transport plane to Macedonia." I was trying my damnedest to remain professional and cool around Mulder; it wasn't working. He was the only person that I could talk to right now.
"Scully?" He asked timidly. "Are...are you okay?"
Reflexively, I turned away from him. "I'm fine, Mulder."
Those famous words. So simple yet so commonly used between us. I wish I could open up to him. I wish I could let him know how I feel about work, about my brother and how I feel about him and how I just wish he would hold me and make everything go away...
"Bullshit."
I whirled around; surprised that Mulder was challenging my answer. He had been hesitant to believe me in the past, I knew that; but he had never been so open about opposing it.
"What?" I asked him, blinking.
"Bullshit, Scully," he said again. "I know you're not fine. Why can't you tell me how you're really feeling? Do you not trust me? I want to be able to help you, Scully, if not out of the goodness of my heart then out of the fact that you have helped me dozens of times in situations like this and I have done nothing in return." He paused, and as I stared into his deep hazel eyes, I could see the hurt that resided in them. "Please let me in, Scully..."
I felt the tears well up in my eyes and warned myself not to let them fall. Convincing Mulder that I was okay would not work if I were to start crying.
"Scully, are you...crying?"
That was all it took. The tears began to fall and there was nothing left for either of us to do but give in. Mulder walked across the room and softly took me into his arms; I put my arms around him and cried into his shoulder. We stood like this for ten minutes or so. When we finally broke apart, I noticed that Mulder had tears in his eyes as well.
"I'm scared, Mulder..." I whispered as he held me tighter. "I'm so scared."
"Shhhh..." he said into my hair. "I'll keep you safe, Scully."
I cried harder. "Mulder..."
He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes. "Anything, Scully," he said softly. "Anything and it's yours."
I put my hand on the side of his face and gave him a small smile. "I think I need to go home, Mulder. I...I can't handle working today. Could you possibly...I mean, I don't know if I can drive safely..."
Mulder took my hand and smiled sadly. "Of course I'll drive you home, Scully. Come on. Let's go. Take as much time off as you'd like. I'm going to come back here and talk to Skinner for you afterwards. I'm sure he'll understand." He paused. "I know how much you love your family, Scully. Especially after Melissa."
As I got into my car and Mulder drove me home, I thought of how lucky I was to have someone like him for a partner. Not all partners are that understanding.
I just hoped that Bill had the same luck in the war.
January 27, 2000
Dana Scullys' Apartment
Georgetown, MD
7:46 am
"Are you sure, Scully?"
I nodded through my stony expression.
"He's a POW for sure?"
I nodded again.
"Scully, come on, talk to me."
I continued packing. As I zipped my suitcase, I felt myself shaking and took a few deep breaths. But I didn't tell Mulder. I didn't want him to worry about me any more than he already was. "He's a prisoner of war, Mulder. There's not much more to tell. He was captured when his plane went down outside Belgrade and his co-pilot was also captured. No one knows where exactly they're being held at this point in time and we think..." I stopped to regain composure. "We think they may be killed in the near future."
Mulder let out a huge sigh. "I'm going with you, you know."
I turned to face him. "What?"
He spoke again. "I'm going to San Diego with you, Scully. You think I'm just going to stay here and let this happen? I'm going to let you go across the country and I'm not going to help you out? Not going to help your family out? Scully, believe it or not, there are a lot of people out there who care about you and your family. I may not be a large fan of your brother, but you love him and I can't stand to see you or your mother hurting like this." He paused and I could sense another bombshell about to be dropped. "Skinner and my mother are also on standby in case they feel like flying down. They want to be there for your mother, Scully. They both adore her and I...I...and I adore you."
My heart skipped a beat. "Mulder, I...I don't know what to say..."
"Just let it happen, Scully. Just let it happen."
I looked at my watch. "Mulder, we're going to miss our flight if we don't start letting it happen, so let's go. I'll drive."
As I drove to the airport that morning, something felt different. I was frightened for my brother, worried about my mother, worried for myself...but change was also in the air. I couldn't quite identify it. But there was definitely something else going on. There was just a matter of time before I figured out what it was.
January 29, 2000
The Scully Home
Sand Castle Point, Washington
2:36 pm
"Dana?"
I opened one eye.
"Sweetheart, we have some news on your brother."
I bolted upright and stared into the pale and ashen face of my mother. "What is it?"
She sighed, sat down, and held my hand. "Well, we now know where we are, sweetie. The Serbian government has revealed that Bill and his co-pilot are being held in a prison outside of Belgrade. It's an underground prison, and word from the General in Belgrade is that their trial is to be held in three days. We're still trying to get them out, Dana....and we're not stopping. But, they're....well, the General said that they're not being given a lot of food or water...."
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. "Mom..."
My mother pulled me to her and also began crying. "I know, honey...I don't know how much more of this I can take, either. We have to keep hoping that they'll get him out soon.."
"But..." I stammered through my tears. "What if...they can't?"
"Dana, sweetie, we can't think like that," she told me simply. "I have to go do something to keep myself occupied. Honey, there's a snowstorm moving in later tonight and I have to go shopping beforehand. Walter and Teena are arriving today and I don't want to be lacking supplies later on...I'll be back as soon as I can, sweetheart, okay?"
I hadn't really heard a lot of what my mother had said, but I nodded my approval anyway and she was gone. I was still in tears and was in the middle of cursing God and the Serbs and my life and everything and anyone I could to give this horrible incident meaning. My brother was probably going to be dead by nightfall; if not then his death after the trial was nearly guaranteed. I was about to lose another sibling; another link to my past. I cried for my father; a victim of his own eating habits and his stress of seeing his youngest daughter not fulfilling his wishes and being a doctor. I cried for my sister, a victim of Mulder and mines' search for the Truth and a helpless sacrifice for the continuation of my life. And now I cry for my brother...the next sacrifice for the Scully family and once again, a senseless one.
But does death ever make sense?
A soft knock on my bedroom door shook me out of my reverie.
"Scully?" Came the hesitant voice of my partner.
I managed to smile through my tears. "Mulder."
He opened the door a crack and poked his head through. "Can we talk?"
I nodded slightly and he entered the room; I noticed that he was still in his pajamas.
"Are you crying?" he asked me for the second time this month. I nodded one last time; he sat down in the bed beside me and took my hand. "Scully...tell me what it is, please..."
I squeezed his hand tightly and sniffed before finding my voice. "They know where they're keeping my brother now...and it's not good, Mulder. It's an underground prison in Belgrade, and they're not feeding him or giving him water. And they're putting him on trial in three days, and I'm just so sure that they're both going to die, and I...I don't think that I can handle another one of my family members dying so soon. " I broke down completely then, unable to speak; I was crying too hard to do anything.
I remember Mulder holding me that morning until I cried myself asleep.
I awoke four hours later, still in his arms. He was sleeping also. I couldn't help but notice both the dried tears on his face and how incredibly peaceful he looked when he was sleeping. I wished that peace for him every day of his life.
Settling into his embrace once more, I attempted to sleep again.
The next time I awoke, around 8:00 that evening, he was gone. I was still in my pajamas; by the feel of the sheet next to me, Mulder hadn't been gone long. I felt cold and alone; it was then that I chose to peek through the blinds and see what the weather was like on the beach.
It was snowing like a son of a bitch.
There weren't many times in my life that I had seen so much snow on the beach. There weren't many times in which I had seen snow on the beach, period. And this was just absurd. There was so much snow that I couldn't see any farther than the front porch and vaguely, my mothers' car. It seemed to have been snowing for quite some time; and since my internal clock had been sent askew from sleeping so much, I didn't really have a very clear idea of what time it was or what, exactly, was happening.
Then I remembered: Skinner and Mulder's mother were arriving today.
Quickly throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, I brushed my hair and walked downstairs. In the living room, gathered in front of the fireplace and the television, were the people in the world I cared most about. Mulder was sitting in the corner, talking to my friend Ellen; her children were asleep with Bills' wife and kids on the other end of the room. They were shrouded in blankets. My mother was sitting in the center of the couch, with Skinner on one side of her (he was holding her hand and she seemed to like it) and Mulder's mother on the other (she was talking to her and had tears in her eyes). Charlie was sitting next to Mulder's mother (he had been sent home from Kosovo the second Bill had been apprehended) and his wife and children were on the floor next to the couch. All together, they looked like an extended family that really cared about each other.
But...there was one big part missing.
I tried to imagine what this situation would be like were my father here; were Melissa here. What this would be like if it hadn't happened at all and Bill were fine and here and if it *were* just an extended family gathering in the middle of winter to enjoy a freak snowstorm and each others' company.
Once again, the tears began to fall.
Finally, someone noticed me.
It would figure that it would have to be Mulder.
"Hey there, sleepyhead..." he smiled softly at me and I felt my heart wrench. He could still make me all warm and fuzzy inside even when my brother was being held by the enemy and was probably going to die...
"Dana, sweetheart, they just showed your brother on the news," my mother spoke up. Her voice was raspy and hoarse. I assumed that she had been screaming. "I..." she stopped. Skinner cleared his throat, squeezed her hand, and looked up at me. There were dark circles under his eyes. I don't think I'd ever seen him look that old.
"Things aren't looking good, Agent Scully," he stated simply; without the emotion I knew he wanted to give it but was conditioned not to. His gaze shifted back to my mother and I felt the ground underneath me tilt. I needed to get out. Now.
I turned my back on my family and walked to the back door. The snow had since let up a little, and I was able to pry the sliding glass door open and walk out onto the back porch. It wasn't enough. I could still see my family, sitting on the couch with their hearts ripping out and their tear ducts working overtime. I didn't want to be around them anymore. I didn't want to be around anyone anymore.
In no time, I reached the ocean. The water was freezing as it quickly soaked through my cotton shoes, and I shivered with the cold as the snow hit my face. Wind whipped my hair and my coat around like rag dolls; the dark, luminous clouds on the horizon brought tears to my eyes yet again.
I felt that I deserved this.
I was living; I was fine. My brother was somewhere dying and I was fine. I was Dana "Life is Sweet" Scully; whose sister, father, and brother all met untimely deaths and faced horrific tragedies while they were living; and yet all the while I was handed everything on a silver platter and didn't even give a damn about any of it.
I didn't deserve to live.
Just as I had decided to fling myself headfirst into the ocean, a pair of strong arms around my body caused me to gasp. Refusing to turn around, I continued to stand ankle- deep in the water; my head facing forward and my body unwavering. Then, a message in my ear; whispered and soft:
"If you are even thinking what I think you're thinking then you'd better stop thinking it right now, Dana Scully. Cause if you don't, then I am going to have to make you stop thinking it. And I don't know if you want that."
I raised an eyebrow as Mulders' arms held me tighter. "I can't stop thinking about it, Mulder...I deserve to die. Right here, right now. And I don't see anything that you could do that could make me stop thinking about it right now." Tears froze on my face.
"Oh yeah?" He breathed in my ear, suddenly whirling me around and pressing my lips to his.
My world stopped spinning.
Scratch that. My world spun out of it's *orbit*. I'm sure of that now.
It wasn't like this was my first kiss; by far. But, in a way, it was; never in my life had I ever received a kiss from someone whom I was in love with.
Love with?
Without even thinking it, I had said I was in love with him. Was I?
Mulder was the first to break the kiss. "Scully..."
I noticed that he too had frozen tears running down his face and I smiled despite the frozen weather. "I don't remember what I was thinking about a minute ago, Mulder..."
He grinned. "I'm so glad..."
I took his frozen hand in mine. "Could we...do that again?" I asked shyly.
His grin became larger. "Of course we can do it again," he replied. "But...can we take this inside, first?"
I wrinkled my nose. "With my family?"
He buried his face in my neck, kissing the side of it quickly. I shivered. "No, silly. We're going to go upstairs for the next one." Upon seeing my wide eyes, he squeezed my hand tighter. "No, no, Dana, we're not going to do that. I want to hold you." Then his voice became so soft I could barely hear it: "For tonight, anyway."
I finally lifted my frozen feet from the ocean and walked with Mulder, hand in hand, back to the beach house. It was still snowing (and my family was still seating by the fireplace) as Mulder and I furtively made our way up the stairs to my bedroom. Upon arriving there, Mulder and I changed quickly into pajamas and then crawled into my bed.
"Kiss me," I whispered to him as his lips descended upon mine.
After one delicious passionate kiss, we fell asleep in each other's arms, oblivious to the world around us and the pain that both of us were feeling deep inside.
February 3, 2000 The Scully Home Sand Castle Point, Washington 3:36 pm
I was in the kitchen, making a new batch of iced tea and hot chocolate, when my mother began screaming. At first I didn't think much of it; she had been screaming a lot in the past week or so and I didn't want to assume the worst in case it was nothing.
Then, Teena Mulder ran into the kitchen. "Dana, come quick!" She cried. "There's been some wonderful news!"
I dropped the spoon I had been using and ran with Teena back into the living room. My mother was standing for the first time in days; she was crying and screaming and Skinner was holding her and he was crying too. Mulder was sitting petting my dog by the fire-as soon as he saw me, though, his smile grew to one of stunning brilliance and he stood up to receive me. Charlie, his wife, Bills' wife, and their children were all sobbing and laughing and hugging...and then I heard the news reporter:
"To repeat, this is a joyous moment in the United States as we have just received word that both William Scully, Jr., and Robert Conroy have been released from prison in Belgrade, Kosovo. We'll have more, plus the reactions of the victims themselves, as soon as we can establish contact with them. Back to you in the studio, Tracy."
I couldn't believe my ears. My brother: free! I screamed with joy and Teena whirled me around in her arms. My tears began falling without abandon; my joy was unbridled and as Mulder neared me I threw myself into his arms. "Mulder, he's free! My brother is free! He's alive, Mulder, he's alive!"
Mulder was crying as well; as he swung me around, I could not remember a time in which I had been this happy. My entire family decided that night to have a party as soon as Bill got home in his honor. He would be on the next plane to Seattle; we only hoped that he would be able to make in during the snowy weather.
February 4, 2000
The Scully Home
Sand Castle Point, Washington
10:30 pm
"Bill, are you doing okay?"
My brother looked at me and smiled. "Dana, I have never been better."
I sat down beside him and smiled back. Taking his hand, I leaned close to him and became serious. "Even though Mulder and Teena are here, Bill?"
Bill squeezed my hand in reply. "Dana, if this Mulder cares so much about our family, and you...and if his mother feels the same way...then I don't see any reason why I wouldn't mind them being here." He paused as a grin lit up my face. "And I see that he makes you happy, Dana. Really, that's all I that I need to see."
"Thank you so much, Bill...you have no idea how much I wanted to hear those words."
Bill pat me on the back as Mulder entered the room.
"Scully..." Mulder held his hand out to me and I took it. He led me into a standing position and met my eyes with a serious smile. "Come with me."
Without knowing what was going on, Mulder led me outside; onto the porch in the backyard. Upon surveying the area (as much as he could; it was snowing again), he shook his head and led me further down the beach, until we were at nearly the same spot we had been when he had first kissed me a week before. He turned to me in the freezing cold and began, slowly and softly, to speak:
"Scully...I don't even know where to begin. I...I have known you for seven and a half years now. I don't think anyone has ever known me as well as you do. I haven't given this much of myself to someone so willingly before; ever. But...the events of this trip; no matter how horrific they might have been in the first place, have turned out being the best week and a half of my life, no question. There is nothing that I have ever wanted more in my life than to be with you; to hold you and to kiss you and to tell you that I would keep you safe." He took both my hands and made love to me with his eyes. "I love you, Dana Scully, and I want you to know just how much these past few days have meant to me."
I didn't know what to say; if this had been any other time, I probably would have turned and run back into the beach house, never to return. But not this time; it was different.
I cleared my throat and wiped a stray tear from my face.
"Mulder, I...I don't know what to say. It seems I never know what to say anymore, you know that? Um...well, I think I'd better say this, at least: you are the most amazing person I have ever known in my life. I have grown up not believing that I was either deserving or capable of love or of being loved-" I stopped as I saw Mulder about to interject. "-Stop it, Mulder, I'm not finished yet. Anyway...I don't know, Mulder, it's just that I've never been in love with anyone before I knew you...and I don't know what I would do if I *didn't* have you to hold, to love, and to keep me safe. I need you, Fox Mulder, and I love you more than anything in the world. I'm not afraid to admit that now."
I looked up and our eyes met; Mulder leaned in and kissed me softly.
As we came apart, he whispered something in my ear:
"Marry me."
My eyes grew wide. "What?"
He took my right hand in his and got down on one knee. In all of that snow and water and freeze, Fox Mulder got down on one knee and repeated his statement; this time expanding it and making it louder.
"I said, Dana Scully, will you marry me?"
I was speechless. Mulder squeezed my hand, to encourage me; and I quickly managed to find my voice and whisper:
"Yes." Pausing, I wiped a few tears from my face. "Fox Mulder, I would be more than happy to marry you...you are the only person whom I will ever love and I would be so honored to be your wife."
Mulder raised himself into a standing position once again and brought me to him for a crushing kiss; one that defied all laws of physics and managed to make me feel warm despite the freezing cold temperatures.
That evening, while sitting in Mulders' arms in front of the fireplace, I once again surveyed my family: there was my mother, chatting happily and laughing with Teena Mulder; Skinner had his arms around her and would kiss her cheek every now and then. Bill, his wife, and their children were all playing and sharing stories with Charlie, his wife, and their children. Ellen was talking with Bill and Charlie; every now and then she would make a comment to mom, Teena, and Skinner. And every now and then, someone would look over and Mulder and me and make some offhanded comment about "lovebirds."
I didn't mind. I was sitting in my living room with everyone that I knew and loved. The man I was going to marry and share the rest of my life with was sitting with his arms around me; my mother was happy, and the spirits of my father and of Melissa were very much with us that night. My brother sat on the edge of the couch, enjoying being alive with his family and with the very essence of what kept him going during his imprisonment.
As I looked around the room and then into Mulders' hazel eyes, I couldn't help smiling.
This time, there was no one missing.
Copyright April 6, 1999