Decisions, a buffy: the vampire slayer fanfic

Disclaimer: unfortunately, I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Of course this really wasn't how things were planned. Nothing ever is. This was all supposed to be behind us. He was supposed to be dead. I was supposed to have moved on. And yet, even when I thought he was gone forever I couldn't help but feel a longing to go and find him. It was as though I knew he was still out there somewhere. Now that I know he's back things are so much worse. This is why I have to leave. I can't stay here and pretend to not be waiting for him to come see me. Even if I tell myself that's not what I'm doing, I know it is. I can't run far enough away to make these feelings leave. I can't escape them; so instead, I'm going to face them. I'm going to pack my bags and I'm going to go see him myself.

Grabbing fistfuls of clothes, I began stuffing them into things. What was I doing? I kept asking myself this, but I never actually answered. It didn't seem to matter what the answer was. I knew, somewhere in my heart, that this was the right thing to do and I was going to ignore anything else in my mind that might try and say otherwise. After packing all of the bags I could, I called for a taxi to the airport. There wouldn't be any need to take my car with me since I would never be picking it up again.

People were everywhere in the building talking, reading, begging, and sleeping. I felt so disorientated and tired from making such a huge decision. I couldn't believe I was going to see him, and I kept thinking that over and over as I walked straight into another woman.

"I'm so sorry, I really just haven't been paying attention to where I'm going," I was talking way too quickly while picking up her stuff. I didn't want to start conversations right now, especially with complete strangers. I needed to go sit down somewhere and think. If this wasn't the right decision there was still time, I could leave the airport and pretend it never happened.

The woman was slightly large, but in a nice, almost grandmotherly way. She didn't seem too upset about me running into her and instead was very pleasant for someone that had just nearly been knocked down.

She gave me a grin, and it was such a creepy grin. As though she knew just exactly what I'd been thinking about. "You know, I really wasn't paying attention myself, obviously, or I could have avoided this too."

I was relieved that she wasn't going to just pin the problem on me, but at the same time very curious as to why not. Most people would, but they would be right in doing so anyways, so I suppose I couldn't really mind that much. Leaving the woman after handing her things back, I decided I really needed to try and clear my mind of any distracting thoughts and instead focus on what I was doing.

Go up to the desk. Purchase a ticket. Sit down. Wait for the flight to be called.

I kept repeating the list in my mind over and over until I had reached the desk. Some of the people around me had seen me muttering the same words over and over. I guess I hadn't been quiet enough, but who really cares at this point if they think I'm crazy. I feel crazy at this moment, anyways. I may as well act the part too. Thanking the woman for my ticket, I turned around and stared for a moment trying to determine the closest seating place. The less time I spent standing up, the better. I didn't want to run into another poor person, especially not with the chance that they might not be as friendly as the other woman was.

Spotting a single chair empty I made my way over to it, feeling like I was in some twisted version of a maze. Don't touch the people you're trying to walk around or you'll die. Smiling at the thought of being zapped to death for touching a person, I finally got out of the crowd and into the chair. I really couldn't believe I was here. I couldn't believe that I had just purchased a ticket and I was about to get on a plane to go see him. As thrilled and happy as I was, I was completely terrified. What had possessed me to do this? Sure, so many times I had pondered what life might be like if I did, but I had never actually made plans to go through with it and yet, here I am about to board a plane for L.A.

A man sitting in the chair next to me was doing a crossword puzzle. I looked over his shoulder thinking it might be easier to distract myself if I had something else to do. The questions were confusing and I decided to give up on figuring them out. It just wasn't worth it to die from a brain overload before I even got the chance to deal with the problem I was trying to not think about. Whenever I turned my head back, I guess the guy next to me knew I had given up because he began laughing.

I stared at him for a few seconds wondering if it was worth it to ask what was so funny. I had nothing better to do, though, so I figured I might as well, "Is your laughter directed at me?"

He took a moment to capture his breath, "Well, you did give up on a crossword puzzle that was labeled easy."

I got up, ready to find a different seat. There was no way I was going to sit next to him any longer. I might lose my temper and I really didn't need to get kicked out of the airport after already buying the ticket, but I never got a chance to find a new seat because my flight was called while I was still looking around. I guess the time for decision is over, I thought warily. I hadn't even called into my job to let them know I wasn't going to be there. Still very confused about what I should or shouldn't do, I boarded the plane and sat down.

The flight really wasn't such a long one, but it seemed like forever. I kept trying to sleep a little but my mind was racing and the thoughts were overriding any tired feeling. What will happen when I see him? What if the feelings aren't returned? What if he's moved on to someone else? Terrified by these ideas, I quickly turned up the volume on my headphones and focused on the movie playing. Of course it had to be a love story which made me break out in a nervous sweat. I just couldn't escape. Everywhere I looked there was something that would send my heart racing. I got out of my seat for a trip to the bathroom to try and calm myself down. Splashing some water on my face, I looked into the mirror and saw where people had written little love notes. I began to hyperventilate.

After messing with the bathroom lock I managed to get myself out of the small space and into the walkway. I had gotten sick a couple of times while panicking, but now felt much better and even a little tired. The flight attendants must have heard me having trouble opening the lock because they were looking at me and snickering. I shot them a dirty glance, but felt pretty dizzy still and knew I should go sit back down.

After finding my seat again, I sank into it and debated a nap or not. I knew I finally could now that I was tired enough, but the two people sitting next to me were a bit odd and I wasn't sure if I could trust them not to steal something if I fell asleep. I decided I didn't really care, in the end. What was there to honestly steal anyways? With that thought in mind, I allowed the plane's movement to become a comfortable rhythm and I fell into a nap.

I was awakened by a stewardess who was asking that I buckle myself up for the plane's landing. At first, I was still groggy so not really paying attention to anything, but that feeling quickly left me when I remembered why I had gotten on the plane, to see him. The two people next to me didn't seem as though they had touched anything in my carry on bag, which I was thankful for. I even decided to try and make a small conversation with the one directly next to me as the plane began to land.

"This was actually a nice flight, don't you think?" I smiled at him to make sure he knew I was meaning him for the conversation.

"Yes, I suppose it was." He gave me a look that didn't return the smile and then put his back to me. I guess that meant our chat was over.

As the plane stopped moving I grabbed my carry-on items and went to find the rest of my luggage. While packing, I had made sure to grab everything I could ever possibly need. I guess in the back of my mind, I knew I didn't intend to return. Even if things didn't work out, I still didn't want to go back. I would roam until I could find a new life. I had to start over, though. I couldn't continue staying the same Buffy Summers as always. I had changed in these past few hours and I couldn't pretend otherwise. Hopefully, my life would change the way I'd been planning it to. I wanted and planned in these past few hours for a life where I could be with him and continue the relationship that had ended so long ago. Nothing sounded more right than that.

I gathered up the rest of my items and went to call a taxi. I knew exactly where I was going to look first. I had seen his name in a newspaper for the company. That's what had started all of these thoughts of trying to visit him and relight the flame. Before, I had only thought of how much I missed him, but now I knew where to look and I knew there was a chance he still missed me. I just had to take the dive and find out.

The taxi dropped me off at Wolfram & Hart. I paid the driver and thanked him as he drove to the end of the street, picking up another person. Smiling a little, I thought of how easily a taxi driver could run a whore business. They could be picking up seemingly random people that were actually paying customers for services of two sorts of rides. With that amusing idea in my mind I began my way up to the building. I was here for a reason and I wasn't about to back out. My little pep talks which were usually so inspiring to others, never quite seemed to raise my confidence as much. However, I knew it was now or never and so pushed open the doors and walked to the information desk. There I waited for the secretary to finish her phone call so she could point me in the direction of his office.

I had been told to walk to the end of the hallway and the very first office along the wall would be his. My breathing began speeding up a little and my walk began to slow to the point that I was barely moving by the time I reached his room. Taking a deep breath, I walked inside. He looked up at the sound of his door opening and dropped the mug he'd been holding. I looked at him for a moment, smiling at the reaction and knowing I wasn't the only nervous one anymore.

"Hello Angel."

He ignored the mess that had been created and instead continued to stare at me. Finally he managed to speak, "Hello Buffy."