Got a mystery? Who ya gonna call? Sherlock Tifa!
Author's Note: This is seriously just a fun, goofy fic I did after reading one too many Foaming Bad Bird ones. It's really just for laughs, (everyone's unusually GENKI, ne?) so enjoy! ^_^
It was an average day at Avalanche Headquarters. The wind blew gently, the sun shined, and the sky was a dazzling blue. There was not a thing to be heard. Except that... someone was creeping around the grounds of the AHQ. It was... the mailman. He crept up as quietly as possible with the mail in his hand, ready to be dropped. Only five more yards until the door... two... one... The mailman smiled thankfully. Almost there, and so far, no one had heard him... Then suddenly... Squeak! Oh no! His rotten shoe had squeaked! The mail man felt a cold sweat run down him. Suddenly, the front door slammed open. A group of people came tumbling out.
"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!" With a scream, the mailman ran back toward the main road as fast as he could. The mail in his hands went flying in all directions. The crowd stared blankly at the mailman. Then they noticed what the man had dropped.
"MAIL!!!!!!!!!"
"Ooh, ooh!!! Mail!"
"It's mine! Give it to me!!!"
"As if! I'm the only one cool enough to get any fan letters!"
"Dream on, Cloud! They're mine!"
"Give it to me, I'm the one with the credit cards!"
"NO! It's mine! Mine, mine, mine! Me, me, me!!!!!"
"Back off ****heads!!! I need my "Better Planes and Airships (than yours)" Magazine!"
Finally, the crowd broke up and headed back into the house, examining their mail.
"Nothing but junk mail again," Barett grumbled.
"Waaah! My Final Fantasy website came in seventh!" Yuffie wailed.
"Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!" Cid chortled. "Who came in in front of you?"
Yuffie dejectedly tossed the letter over her shoulder. "I dunno. Some bad bird who likes foam, a site with no Oukokus, um, some kind of unofficially square-shaped page, a page about a girl named Irena or Eileena or something, a page by um, a Mega star? And a page called "The Land of Cuteliness."
Red shook his head. "I don't see it, I just don't see it... who wants to read about bad birds and oukokus when they can read about us?"**
"Land of Cuteliness..." Cloud rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"Excuse me! Pardon me!" Suddenly there was a blur that rushed past the crowd, into the house, up the stairs, and into her room.
"Ah-hah! I made it!" Tifa grinned as she huffed and puffed. In her hands she clutched a small wrapped package. Her eyes gleamed as she greedily tore it open. "It's here! My expensive European shampoo! And it's apple-scented!" Smiling in satisfaction, she walked into the bathroom adjoining her room and Cloud's. Placing it on the bathtub edge, she patted the gold-plated bottle.
"I can't wait! Tomorrow, I'll try out my brand-new shampoo!"
The next morning....
"Ahh, time to try out my new shampoo!" Tifa strolled into the bathroom, beaming. She picked up the bottle, still beaming. She opened the lid, still beaming. She took a sniff of the spicy apple scent, still beaming. Suddenly, she let out a blood-curdling scream, not beaming. "It's empty!" Suddenly, her horrified look turned into an angry one. "CLOUD!!!" Holding the empty bottle, she stalked into Cloud's room, slamming the door open as she did.
"Huh?" Cloud looked up, surprised. He was lying on his bed, reading a letter. Suddenly, Tifa reached down and grasped his spiky hair, pulling him up to his feet.
"Yowch!!!" Cloud cried.
Tifa jerked his head towards her.
"Ah-hah! Just as I suspected!" she cried. "Apple-scented hair!"
"Owie! Tifa, let go!" Cloud whined. Tifa did as she was told, and Cloud fell to the floor.
"You jerk! You used my shampoo!!!"
Cloud suddenly rose, a goofy grin on his face. "But I like your shampoo!" he gushed. "It smells like apples!"
"You dork!" Tifa smacked Cloud over the head. Cloud fell over again. "So you admit it! There's just one thing I don't understand. Cloud, how the heck did you use this entire bottle of shampoo in one night?!"
"Huh? I didn't use the whole thing... just a little bit!"
"Hmm... then there was someone else!" Tifa concluded. "A mystery! This looks like a job for..." Tifa suddenly whipped out a little Sherlock hat and magnifying glass. "... Sherlock Tifa!" Cloud stared blankly at her. Suddenly... "WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!" Cloud fell over laughing. "Oh, that's TOO funny! YOU, a detective?! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!!! You can't even find your way out of a closet! A-ha ha! Tell me another one, Tifa, wah ha!" BOOM! Tifa whacked Cloud onto the floor again.
"Humph!" A syrupy sweet smile suddenly spread over Tifa's face. "Cloud, you're going to have to pay for the little bit of shampoo you used..."
Cloud climbed to his feet, gingerly rubbing the back of his head. "But I don't have any money..." Tifa's grin got bigger.
"Then you're going to help me find out who used the rest of the shampoo... and then give me a PEDICURE!"
"Yiiiiii!!!" Cloud tried to scramble away. Tifa pulled him back.
"If you DON'T, then I'll just have to tell Cid who it was that put Super Glue all over his toilet seat..."
"Aack! Don't do that!" Cloud sighed, seeing that he had been defeated. "All right, Tifa, I'll help you."
"Good! Now, let's see," Tifa began pacing back and forth across the room. "To use all this shampoo, obviously, this person has a lot of hair..."
"Then I guess it can't be Rude..." Cloud chuckled.
"I've got it!" Tifa cried. "It must be Aeris! With that huge chunk of hair she's got, she could probably use it all! C'mon Cloud, let's go!"
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM
"Open up, Aeris! We know you're in there!" Tifa cried, pounding on Aeris's door.
"Yes?" Aeris opened the door. "What is it, Tifa? Huh?" Tifa and Cloud pushed into Aeris's room. "Is there something you wante-ummmmm..." Aeris stopped talking for two reasons
1. Tifa and Cloud did not look happy
2. Tifa and Cloud were... smelling her hair.
Aeris stared strangely back and forth at the two.
Finally, Cloud pulled away. "Nope!" he declared. "She smells like roses!"
"Then who could it be?" Tifa wondered, also pulling away. The two began pacing around Aeris in a circle.
"Um, could you please tell me what's going on?" Aeris said helplessly.
"Not now!" Tifa said decisively. "This is real work! Not some ga-"
"Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!"
An ear-piercing scream came from outside. The three quickly ran down the stairs. Standing in the living room, towering over Cait Sith, was Sephiroth!
"Oh, ****!" Cid muttered.
Cloud turned around to see that all of Avalanche had gathered in the room.
"Sephiroth?! What's he doing here?" Barret cried.
An itsy bitsy smile spread over Sephiroth's perfect face. He raised his Masamune. "I have come to destroy you, Avalanche, once and for all! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Suddenly, a shimmering blue light emanated from his body, knocking the Avalanche off their feet. "And now, you die!" Sephiroth grinned and tossed his long, silver hair over his shoulder. Tifa's and Cloud's eyes opened wide. Tifa narrowed her eyes.
"Cloud, do you smell that?" she growled, eyeing Sephiroth.
"Yeah..." Cloud sneered. "It smells like... apples."
"Mmm...?" Sephiroth stared blankly at them.
Suddenly, Tifa leaped up on Sephiroth, clutching his throat. "You jerk!!! You're the one who used my expensive, apple-scented, European shampoo!"
"Huh?!" Sephiroth looked surprised. "It was yours? Uh, I only used it because I thought it was Cloud's."
"What?!" Cloud cried. "You've been using my shampoo?! That does it! When someone messes with a man's shampoo-"
"Hold it!" Tifa cried. "You are BOTH going to pay for that shampoo!"
Both Cloud and Sephiroth turned out empty pockets.
Tifa smiled slyly. "Hmm, well, in that case..."
"Tifa! You can't make us do this!" Cloud wailed.
"Have you no mercy?!" Sephiroth cried.
Cloud and Sephiroth clung to each other, huddled in the corner of a room. Tifa stood over them, smiling smugly.
"You did the crime, and now you pay the time!" she admonished.
"Who ever heard of crime and punishment anyway?" Sephiroth muttered.
"ENOUGH!" Tifa yelled. She grabbed the two and lead them over to a chair in which she promptly sat down. Picking up a magazine, she said, "Sunset Pink, striped with Metallic Blue on the left foot, and polka-dotted with violet on the right foot."
"Awww, Tifa, do we have to?" Cloud and Sephiroth whined.
"PEDICURE NOW!!!"
"Yes, ma'am!" Cloud cried.
"This is going to be a very long day..." Sephiroth muttered.
The End