A/N: So, I wrote this for my advanced drama class. We performed this at my high school's Renaissance Faire, but it didn't receive a lot of attention. So, I thought I would post this here to see what you all think. I know it's a break from my usual work, but I think you may enjoy it. Note that it is in original script form with actual Shakespearean lines taken out of original context, so its words aren't that original, sorry. Warnings: Slash (Don't like, don't read) and heavy INNUENDO.

Much Ado About the Shrew

Announcer:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Your Honor's players, hearing your amendment,

Are come to play a pleasant comedy,

For so your tutors hold it very meet,

Therefore they thought it good you hear a play

And frame your mind to mirth and merriment.

Lo' the Lady Beatrice doth spar

With the comtempt Signoir Benedict

And Petruchio well-traveled, hast last met

Equal a shrew in Katherine.

Set thy eyes to bear witness

For a love story match most unlike.

And now, present we, Much Ado About the Shrew.

Scene opens with Beatrice and Benedict arguing. Petruchio and Katherine are also present; they are arguing aside.

Bene- But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted. And I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart, for truly I love none.

Beat- A dear happiness to women. They would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and cold blood I am of your humor for that. I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

Bene- God keep your Lady Disdain still in that mind, so some gentleman alike me shall 'scape a predestinant scratched face.

Kate- That I'll try. (She strikes him)

Pet- (steps forward) I swear I'll cuff you if you strike again.

Kate- Talk not to us. We will go sit till we can find occasion of revenge.

Beat- Come, Katherine. No one marks these beasts.

Both exit

Bene- That rare parrot-teacher. I would my horse had the speed of her tongue and so good a continuer. But, i' God's name, I have done.

Pet- Think you a little din can daught mine ears? Have I not in my time heard lions roar? Have I not in a pitched battle heard loud 'larums, neighing steeds and trumpets' clang? And do you tell me of a woman's tongue that gives not have so great a blow to hear as will a chestnut in a farmer's fire? Tush, tush. And for the more, I gave them place.

Bene- I could have done the better.

Pet- Doubt I that, you woo like a babe.

Bene- Thou liest. Why dost thou wrong I that did ne'er wrong thee?

Pet- What, will you not suffer me? I should knock you! Thou silence flouts me and I'll be revenged. (Moves to hits Benedict, but stops) Ah, but for my eyes that cannot stand their surround. I must take leave to appease them.

Exit in opposite directions

Scene ends

Scene opens with Kate, Beatrice, Hero, and Bianca.

Beat- Why that Signoir Benedict, he is the Prince's jester, a very dull fool; only his gift is in devising impossible slanders. The commendation is not in his wit, but in his villainy.

Kate- Aye, yet it is that Signoir Petruchio is the worse. A madcap ruffian and a swearing Jack is he, that thinks with oaths to face the matter out.

Hero- Silver sets could they whence have come, those glass scoundrels.

Bia- It is surely not in my grief that they are not for our turns.

Beat- O, such a life, with such men were strange, who hath such a stomach?

Kate- Thou hast it! Benedict were an excellent match for Petruchio. Petruchio is as peremptory as Benedict proud-minded. A' where two raging fires meet together, they do consume the thing that feed their fury.

Hero- O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad.

Beat- But cousin, Hero, the thing should not go dully by us.

Kate- Yes, we must undertake one of Hercules' labors, which is to bring Signoir Petruchio and the Signoir Benedict into a mountain of affection, th' one with th' other. If you Hero, and sister Bianca, will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction.

Bia- Sister, I will help you, even if it means I have to stay awake for ten nights straight.

Beat- And you, sweet Hero?

Hero- I'll do any decent thing to see this jade's trick.

Kate- Now, go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.

All exit

Scene ends

Scene opens with Benedict, stumbling in, clearly drunk.

Bene- (To no one) I'll pheeze you, in faith. By the divinities, or the ale, I seem to have grown bold. Yea! See no more a Benedict like a babe. I am new and ummoveable. Passing like a dream go ole Cesear and Alexander. Conquer any foe can I. Lo, the name that crosses mind is none but the villain Petruchio's. He doth slander my manhood. Must he acquaint himself with it now? Hah! And now the Ladies Disdain and Shrew and their familiars come. I will hide me in the arbor for I cannot endure their tongue.

Beat- (Whispered to Kate) See you where Benedict hath hid himself.

Kate- (To Beat) O, very well, my lady. We'll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.

Beat- Come hither, Bianca. What was it you told me of today, that Signoir Petruchio was in love with Signoir Benedict?

Bene- (Aside) Is 't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?

Bia- The Signoir made this known in privy, but pity hath sought my release. Yes. I cannot tell what to think of it, but that Petruchio loves Benedict with an enraged affection, it is past the infinite of thought.

Hero- May be he doth but counterfeit.

Kate- O God! Counterfeit? There was never counterfeit of passion came so near the life of passion as he discovers it.

Beat- You amaze me. I would have thought Petruchio's spirit had been invincible against all assaults of affection. (Aside to Kate) Bait the hook well; this fish will bite.

Kate- I would have sworn it had, my friend, especially against Benedict.

Bia- (Aside) He hath ta'en th' infection. Hold it up.

Hero- Has he made his affection known to Benedict?

Bia- No, and swears he never will. That's his torment. "Shall I," said he, "that have so oft encountered him with scorn, write to him that I love him?" With mine eyes I did see he tore the letter into a thousand halfpence, railed at himself that he should be so immodest to write to one that he knew would flout him. "I measure him," said him, "by my own spirit, for I should flout Benedict if he writ to me, yea, though I love him, I should." Then down upon his knees Petruchio fell, sobbed, beating his heart, tearing his hair, praying, cursing: "O sweet Benedict! God give me patience!"

Hero- It were good that Benedict knew of it by some other, if he will not discover it.

Kate- To what end? He would make but a sport of it and torment poor Petruchio worse.

Beat- I pray you tell Benedict of it and hear what he will say.

Bia- But he says he will die if Benedict love him not, and he will die ere he make his love known, and he will die if he woo him rather than he will bate one breath of his accustomed crossness.

Kate- He doth well. If Petruchio should make tender of his love, 'tis very possible Benedict'll scorn it, for the man, as you know all, hath a contemptible spirit.

Beat- I know Benedick well, and I wish he would modestly examine himself to see how much he is unworthy so good a lord. (Aside) If Benedict do not dote on Petruchio upon this, I will never trust my expectation.

Kate- Let us walk. (Aside) Let there be the same net spread for Petruchio. The sport will be when they hold one an opinion of another's dotage, and no such matter. That's the scene that I would see.

The girls exit and Benedict comes forward

Bene- This can be no trick. The conference was sadly borne; they have the truth of this from Bianca; they seem to pity the lord. I hear how I am censured. They say I will bear myself proudly if I perceive the love come from him. They say, too, that Petruchio will rather die than give any sign of affection. Love me? Why, it must be requited! Though, I must not seem proud. Contempt, farewell, and bachelor pride, adieu! No glory lives behind the back of such. And Petruchio, love on. If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee to bind our loves up in a holy band.

Exit

Scene ends

Scene opens with the girls, huddled and talking low.

Kate- Now, ladies, when Petruchio doth come, our talk must only be of Benedict. When I do name him, let it be thy part to praise him more than ever man did merit. My talk to thee must be how Benedict is sick in love with Petruchio. Now begin, for look where Petruchio like a Sly tinker runs to hear our conference.

Beat- (Aside) Then go we near him, that his ear lose nothing of the false sweet bait that we lay for it.

Kate- (Raises voice as Petruchio advances) No, truly, Beatrice, Petruchio is too disdainful. I know his spirits are as coy and wild as haggards of the rock.

Bia- But are you sure that Benedick loves Petruchio so entirely?

Beat- So says the companions of Benedict. But Katherine and I persuaded them, if they loved Benedict, to wish him wrestle with affection, and never to let Petruchio know of it.

Hero- Why did you so? Doth not the gentleman deserve as full as fortunate a bed as ever Petruchio shall couch upon?

Kate- I know Benedict doth deserve as much as may be yielded to a man, but Nature never framed a man's heart of prouder stuff than that of Petruchio. Disdain and scorn ride sparkling in his eyes, misprizing what they look on, and his wit values itself so highly that to him all matter else seems weak. He cannot love nor take no shape nor project of affection, he is so self-endeared. But who dare tell him so? If I should speak, he would mock me into air. O, he would laugh me out of myself, press me to death with wit.

Hero- Come, go in. I'll show thee some attires, and have thy counsel which is the best to furnish me tomorrow.

Bia- (Aside) He's limed, I warrant you. We have caught him.

Beat- (Aside) If it proves so, then loving goes by haps; some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.

All the girls exit and Petruchio moves forward

Pet- What fire is in mine ears? Can this be true? Found I the meaning in thou gentle manner. Not a babe, but a man whose love is too far a shame to report. What furies distress my mind to let by mine wit and retort. Shall I cast them for the passion of this upstood soldier? Soft now, the fates send the object of mine frustration hither.

Benedict enters confidently

Pet- What my dear Signoir Benedict, are you yet living?

Bene- (Aside) I do spy some marks of love in him. Said he not "dear" and had concern for my life? (To Petruchio) Mine life doth remain in me, Pet.

Pet- Broke is thy head? They call me Petruchio that do talk of me.

Bene- You lie, in faith, for you are now plain Pet, the prettiest Pet in Christendom, my loyal Pet – for loyal are all pets – and therefore, Pet, take this of me, Pet of my consolidation: Myself am moved to woo and wed thee. (Takes out a wedding ring)

Pet- "Moved" in good time. Let him that moved you hither remove you hence. I knew you at the first, you are a moveable.

Bene- Why, what's a movable?

Pet- A joint stool.

Bene- Thou hast hit it. Come, sit on me.

Pet- What devil has ta'en thee!

Bene- What, you mean me?

Pet- Well aimed of such a young one.

Bene- Now, by Saint George, I am too young for you.

Pet- Yet you are withered.

Bene- 'Tis with cares.

Pet- I care not. I chafe you if I tarry. Let me go.

Bene- Oh, let me see thee walk! Thou dost not halt.

Pet- Where did you study all this goodly speech?

Bene- It is extempore from my mother wit.

Pet- A witty mother! Witless else her son.

Bene- Am I not wise?

Pet- Yes, keep you warm.

Bene- So I mean, sweet Petruchio, in thy bed, and therefore, setting all this chat aside, will you, nill you, I will marry you. Thou must be married to no one but me. For I am he born to tame you, Petruchio, and bring you from a wild Pet to a Pet conformable as other household Pets.

Pet- (Aside) My mind hath been as big as his, my heart as great, my reason haply more, to bandy word for word and frown for frown. But now I see my lance is but straw, that seeming to be most which we indeed least are. Then I must vail my stomachs, for it is no boot. My hand is ready, may it do him ease. (To Benedict) I will requite thee, taming my wild heart to thy loving hand.

Benedict places the ring on Petruchio's finger

Bene- Come on and kiss me, Petruchio.

They kiss and Petruchio carries Benedict away – bridal style

Beatrice and Katherine enter

Kate- Now, go thy ways, thou hast tamed a curst shrew.

Beat- 'Tis a wonder, by your leave, that they be tamed so.

Beatrice and Katherine laugh at their deception

A/N: So, what did you think? I hoped you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please comment and review if you have the time.