I wake up and the other side of the bed is cold.
It was close to midnight now, and Peeta was nowhere in my sight. I blinked a couple times, adjusting my eyes to the lack of light in our room. After scanning the area, I knew that Peeta had left. I slipped out from under the covers, bringing my bare feet soundlessly onto the wooden floor. From the crack in the door, I could see a light-a sign of life further out there. As quietly as I could, I opened the door and followed the flickering golden light down the stairs and into the main room. This is where I found him.
Peeta, the gentle man himself, bent over the back of the couch with his head lowered and his muscles strained. His hands were wrapped tightly around the fabric, his knuckles whitened. I opened my mouth, his name forming on my lips when his head stiffly jerked up-his usual soft eyes replaced with hard, unforgiving ones.
"Peeta…" his name voiced itself, barely above a whisper.
"You killed them!" his scream echoed throughout the bare walls of the house, so sudden and yet so sure of something completely wrong. It was at this moment I was assured he was fighting another flashback. Ever since the Capitol tortured him with that tracker-jacker venom there were many moments that he was not the same-many times when they threatened to take the Peeta I know away from me. Slowly, I began to shake my head.
"No..." I murmured, I could not allow him to believe I would do such a horrid thing to him.
"Don't lie to me Katniss." He growled through clenched teeth.
"I saw you…I saw you shoot every one of them!" he was screaming now, his body fully upright and taking steps to advance upon me.
"No…no, Peeta, this is not real." I stuttered, shaking my head as I stared with bewilderment at his towering frame.
"I said don't lie to me!" he screamed, taking another step closer. Instinctively, I put my hand upon his chest to stop him from moving any further, yet he slapped it away carelessly-stinging the skin on my hand. Surely shock registered in my eyes as I stepped back, only to stumble against the dining room table.
"Peeta, this is NOT real." I whispered, trying to pull him back to me. Even so, my quiet words did not seem to reach his ears.
"You don't know what you're talking about…you're nothing but a filthy murderer!" he accused, his voice rattling the centerpieces upon the table. My eyes widened as I saw his hand raise up in the air and my next words poured out of my mouth without warning-begging him to stop.
"Peeta!" his name came out sharp and prolonged, the tone matching the begging look in my eyes as they bore into his hardened one's. Slowly, his arm made its way down to his side; the look in his eyes still clear: hate.
"This is NOT you! This is all what they did, come back to me, please!" the words tumbled out in a pitiful plea. Stiffly, he shook his head. No sooner than I could voice another word he collapsed down to the floor, his head planted between his knees. I look upon his form: shaking, with muscles as tight as could be. With this, I could tell he was fighting to push back what was not real and pull back what was.
"You are trying to help me." His voice reached my ears, strained and filled with fatigue.
"Real or not real?"
"Real." I answered without hesitating, slowly lowering myself to kneel next to him. He let out a yell-a mix of a defeated moan and a battle cry as he slammed his fist on the ground, falling back onto the couch side. His eyes were squeezed tight, hands clenched as if trying to hold on.
"Katniss...don't let me hurt you." His voice was quiet now, coming out at whisper. Yet it was his voice, not the voice that overtook him during the flashbacks. I bit my lip, fighting back the urge to correct him-to tell him that surely he needed more protection at times like this than I. With my eyes glued onto him, I kept quiet for what seemed to be eternity. This I did until I saw his form slowly begin to relax; the shaking starting to mitigate. I glanced down to see him extend his hand toward me upon the ground. Hesitantly, I placed my hand in his, watching his fingers envelop my skin as he pulled me to sit next to him.
"Katniss, don't let me hurt you." He repeated with his eyes now open and transfixed onto something of the unseen. I made some noise of response, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling myself against him with his arm draped across me.
"You won't hurt me." I murmured into his shirt, wishing I could believe the very words that I spoke. For I myself did not know what Peeta was capable of during flashbacks such as these.
"You don't believe that." He replied, always one to see right through me. I shook my head slightly against his chest, feeling his heartbeat begin to even out. I felt his arms tighten around me and a small spark of fear came to me with the idea that his flashbacks were pulling him back. This was quickly extinguished when I felt his warm lips press themselves on top the hair on my head. The kiss was soft and lingering, as he pulled away only to rest his chin in the very spot. My body relaxed against his as he let a long, strained breath escape. I could tell Peeta was scared, scared that he would harm me. This I could easily decide, which contrasted my usual lack of abilities.
"You're scared. Real or not real?" I asked quietly. It took a moment for Peeta to reply, the question hanging in the air as he swallowed hard.
"Real." He finally croaked, I knew that was a feeling he was trying to ignore. I wanted to reassure him; to tell him that all would be well, that everything would go back to normal. I wished to let him know that we could get through this as Peeta and Katniss: the two that stopped at nothing to protect each other. It was a shame that I was never good with words. I took one more glance up at his face and my mind was made up. I detached myself from Peeta's arms and turned myself to face him, close enough to touch.
"Listen. We are going to make it through this." I told him these words with his blue eyes glued to my gray Seam ones, hoping to getting any sense of relief to him. The thought was shot out of the air as he opened his mouth, surely to protest the idea.
"No. I said listen." I snapped quickly before he could make up any argument.
"I don't care that you're scared…I don't care that I'm scared. But what I do care is that becomes a thing of the past." I told him this straightly, never one to be wise with words.
"We are going to do this. Together, like always." At this moment I knew I had turned him-at least brought a new possibility to mind, though it was impossible to tell if he actually believe me…Peeta was always talented at deception.
"Together." He repeated, taking my hands and pressing his lips against my knuckles. My eyes met his, a thousand unspeakable words radiating between us. It was then when I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself close to him, desperate to be near. I felt his lips brush up against my neck, his own arms wrapping around my waist. I closed my eyes, taking in the moment…the moment that I wished to freeze in time.
"Katniss…" my name comes out of his mouth with a timid, seemingly unsure tone to them. I pulled myself back from him with my face still only inches away from his. My hands slid up from his neck to his jaw bone, the pads of my thumb tracing his jaw line. I met my eyes to his, inviting whatever question he may have. After a moment, he speaks.
"You love me. Real or not real?" he asks this, his eyes never breaking gaze with mine. Slowly, I let my thumbs trace around his lips. I knew the answer, yet the simple word seemed to float around in my mind, not letting me take hold on it. I stopped my finger at the crease of his lips and lowered my gaze for a moment. Peeta and I…we have been through the Hunger Games and back together-twice. He had seen the worst of me, and maybe even the best. Together, we are unstoppable-maybe even inseparable. Because now, Peeta was all I had. We were all each other had; we kept one another strong in the hardest moments. He was all I needed to survive my nightmare of life, and I was all he wanted to survive. So after a moment, I whisper a single word against his lips: "Real."
Peeta leans in slightly, returning the kiss with soft, gentle lips. I let my eyes drift close, soaking up the warmth that he offers. Time passes; time that I could not keep track of. I slowly lean back, opening my eyes to meet his.
"You love me." I repeat his words, yet before the question could form on my lips, I felt Peeta's own lips brush mine, his hot breath mixing with my own. As he did so, I made out a single word before his lips melted onto mine: "Always."