She made the right choice.
At least that's what she tried to convinced herself. But Rachel Barbara Berry was excellent actress and could put on any performance, no matter how wrong she knew it was.
She made her choice the moment she agreed to Finn's "work date" and now she had to live with her consequences.
Looking back on it, she knew that nothing was right when it came to her's and Finn's time in New York.
Walking up to that beautiful bridge, in that amazing park, in the best city in the world, all she could think of was that this was it. This is what she had been waiting for ever since that moment on McKinley's stage, singing a Grease classic with five other misfits and falling in love with her "leading man" the moment he hit the first note.
Never realizing that maybe Finn wasn't meant for that stage, that he was forced up there, made to be a fill until the best man could arrive.
She had fought and lied and cheated to get he
and she wasn't about to waste it.
She can now see that maybe love wasn't suppose to be a game where you can take a shortcut here and there or have others lose before you can win.
Handing her that beautiful bouquet and escorting her to Sardi's, Rachel couldn't help grinning the whole way there. It was like something right out of her dream journal. And then seeing Patti La Pone! It was amazing and perfect and everything someone like you could hope for.
Rachel now knows that the only amazing part of that whole date was the actual date. Not the boy that was sitting across from her. It was about New York and Sardi's and Patti. Never about Finn. And shouldn't that have been the only thing on her mind? That she got to share all of this with the boy she supposedly loved? But no. She in fact got annoyed when the gigantic boy had interrupted her conversation with her idol. How was that actual love?
Finn payed for the food while Rachel told the waiter about how she would be on these walls in the near future and all Finn could do was give the man a tight smile when he looked at the boy conveying that he thought Rachel was insane. It almost looked like an apology in Finn's eyes.
Rachel had taken it with grace, used to Finn not backing her up when it came to her talent. But now...why couldn't he have agreed? Tell the waiter all about her amazing voice and how she would make it to Broadway within five years? Why couldn't he be on her side instead of protecting his own?
Walking down that picture perfect street, in that picture perfect outfit, with the picture perfect guy, Rachel kept thinking about how this would looking in the movie of her life. How all the teenage girls in America (and parts of Europe) would swoon, wishing their lives were half as meaningful as Rachel Berry's.
Never about the boy. Always about her future. Her stardom. Her life.
Never theirs.
And then she saw them. Half of the guys in her life. Leaning against a brick building. It was something so perfect and all she could do was stare up at Finn longingly, telling him about her love for everything in the moment, and when she said everything she meant New York.
When the mow-hawked boy behind them started singing she had the biggest urge to turn around and see him sing her favorite Disney song.
She remembers telling him and his sister this when she helped him babysit during their one week relationship.
She had never told Finn. She never knew such a small thing could lead to a such big discovery for her.
She was slightly peeved when Artie took over and she couldn't hear his voice anymore. The voice that gave her the first sense of right all night except for knowing that she was Home in this big city.
It annoyed her even more that Finn was talking when his singing started once more. She never seemed to be able to get enough of his voice. So smooth but rough and always so much emotion that is never shown.
And when Finn leaned down to kiss her, in front of all of the boys, all she could hear were the the words being sung.
"The night will weave its magic spell
When the one you love is near"
But she was under no spell at that moment. She saw that there was no real future for her and Finn. She was New York and Broadway and he was Ohio and a job at Burt's.
In her mind they didn't mix anymore.
She couldn't lie to herself in that moment.
She couldn't lie to Finn either. Kiss him in front of his best friends like they were this everlasting love in the streets of her city.
She just couldn't do it anymore.
And she walked away, feeling like she had gotten it right finally but yet felt so lost. Finn had been her life for the past two years. Rachel didn't know what to focus on now. Of course she will always focus on her career but what did she physically have, what was right there in her grasp? She didn't know.
She's come to terms that she could have kissed Finn. It would have been easy for her actually. But not in front of them. Not in front of him. It felt wrong. Like she was caught being unfaithful despite the fact that she was completely single.
But she knows that isn't exactly the truth. Hasn't been since 3:30 on that Thursday over a year ago.
Talking to Kurt about her concerns was so refreshing but also a bit depressing. He had it all in that moment. The loving boyfriend. The amazing future. Everything she wanted. But not with Finn.
When he mentioned just bringing him along, she knew that it would never happen. She could never imagine Finn walking down New York streets like her, Kurt, and Blaine. He was more of a tourist than a real citizen. It wasn't where he belonged. He was meant for Ohio, for Lima.
She didn't tell him that she could think of another boy that was much stronger that Finn that could help them move their furniture and that would probably much more willing to be in New York.
After the song and that life changing experience, proving to herself that she was made for this, for the stage and Broadway, giving up Finn seemed easier. The strings were slowly being snipped and without much pain. At least on her part.
Everyone had once again snuck out after hearing about Mr Schuester's choice to stay. He had gone to tell April about his decision and everyone took advantage of it. Everyone except for two.
"Sup," he nodded a greeting towards her, then went back to plucking at his guitar.
"Hello," she whispered, unsure of what to do. After a moment she couldn't stand the silence. "W-what are you playing?" she asked, trying to sound interested.
"Nothin' really," he shrugged, looking down at the instrument, before setting it down and looking at her. "Why aren't you out seeing the sights with Finn?"
Thinking back on it, she's not sure if she detected some bitterness in his voice or if her mind was editing the dialogue.
"I thought it was a bit obvious when I left last night," she spoke softly, tucking a piece of hair back and sitting down on the freshly made bed.
"I figured it was for dramatic effect and that he would go find you and you guys would have your happily ever after."
"I guess not this time," she chuckled halfheartedly. "It's almost comical really. The one place that I thought all my dreams would come true in is where I finally wake up," she confessed, looking out the window at the busy city street.
"Funny," he said, showing no signs of actually amusement. "It's where my nightmares seems to come true." He seemed to think over what he said and then aggressively rubbed his face with both hands. "What the hell is wrong with me? I sound like such a pussy," he groaned into his palms.
"What do you mean, Noah?" she asked hesitantly.
"I mean Rachel, that this thing is so fucked up," he bit out. "The whole reason I thought up that whole perfect date for you and Finn is so that you'd just be fucking happy for once. That you would have what you want and that would be it. You'd smile again and get out of this depressing little state you're in. But no, you guys can never get it right." Rachel looked at him with shock, not knowing where this was coming from. "Wanna know why you guys can't get it right?" he asked angrily, looking up at her in his hunched over position. All she could do was blink once with her mouth tightly shut. "You guys aren't right. You and Finn have never been good together. You guys don't make any sense. Why do you think everyone hates it so much? It's not cause they're jealous. It's because they know it's temporary and they don't mind messing with it. Why the hell can't you see that?"
They both sat there in complete silence. His face back in his hands and her watching him like he was a bomb that was going to blow up at any moment. After she saw him calm down after a few minutes she found the courage to speak.
"I can see that," she whispered, looking at her hands while she played with her fingers because she could feel him looking at her. "I know that Finn and I have a deadline. I used to think that we were immortal, that nothing could touch but that isn't true. Finn will never make it hear, no matter how much I could want him to. And I've accepted that." When he said nothing, she looked up through her lashes and saw him intently staring at her, head hunched over his hands as his elbows rested on his knees.
In a flash he was up and crouching in front of her, looking in between her eyes. "Could?"
"What?" she murmured, slightly stunned to have him so close.
"You said could. 'No matter how much you could want him to.' You don't want him to come with you?" he questioned her intently. She looked down quickly at her lap.
"Not necessarily," she told him, trying to beat around the bush but before she could continue his finger tilted her head up to look at him and in an instant his lips were on hers.
This wasn't like the kiss her and Finn were suppose to share in the street. This was strong and passionate and like looking for something that you know is there. Like they were both trying to grasp something they knew was right, and they knew was destiny, but that they didn't know how to keep. It was like coming home and saying goodbye all in one.
It was so heartbreaking and gut wrenching that Rachel couldn't handle it. She tried to keep it, she tried so hard, but the tears broke through. She leaned her forehead on the bridge of his nose while she shook her head back and forth. "No, no. We can't. No," she can't repeating desperately.
"No. Rachel, no." He took her head in his hands and held her face close to his, his whole demeanor desperate, and crazed. "We can do this. We can, Rach" he told her, while she closed her eyes and continued to shake her head. His hand hurriedly kept alternating between cupping her face and brushing her hair back. "Rachel, please." His voice sounded so small. He was down before her, begging for her to have him, to be with him. "You know this is right. You know it," he pleaded. She looked at him, tears continually streaming down her face.
He wouldn't come with her. Finn wouldn't even come with her. She couldn't do it. She couldn't just give all her love, everything she had, into one year. One measly year that, at the end of it, would crush her. She knew their love would be epic. I love for the masses. But she would break if it were to end, as it surely would. She would tumble into this nothingness that Finn couldn't even hope to cause. She couldn't let herself fall that far down if she could help it.
So, she rested her hand on his cheek, looking over his face slowly, knowing that she wouldn't get another chance to be this intimate with him, leaving his pleading eyes for last. She tried to put on a small smile that only made more tears leak through.
She leaned down, kissed him slightly on the lips, saying goodbye with everything it had, stood up, and walked out of that room.
Kurt would be the only other person in the universe to see how bad she had broken down in her hotel room. Only he would know that this magnificent fire would never again get its turn to blaze.
Talking to Finn before their performance was harder than she thought it would be. Of course she was interested. She wanted that easy life. She wanted it to be Finn just for simplicity's sake. If all she had to do was have Finn and that would make everything okay then she would. But things for her have never been easy though.
She couldn't even look in his eyes when she told him nothing would keep her from New York. Those words weren't meant for Finn. They were meant for him.
Rachel knows they were also for herself. She needed to keep convincing herself that she was doing the right thing. That she would make it through this.
She had to lie to herself.
She would always love him. He was Finn Hudson. Her "leading man", her first love. But he would forever be not her's, no matter how close they would become, not truly.
She hated hurting him. Seeing his face before the curtain raised. He didn't deserve it.
"Face to face and heart to heart
We're so close yet so far apart
I close my eyes, I look away
That's just because I'm not okay
But I hold on, I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong"
It's almost amusing seeing as it's obvious this how Finn felt about their separation.
But this is how she had felt during their union.
"Will we ever say the words we're feeling
Reach out underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have our happy ending?"
He looked set free, like this was his moment to say his feelings.
But this is that start of her holding back hers.
Or will we forever only be pretending?"
During that one line, she wasn't staring at Finn. But past him. To behind a curtain that was hiding the boy she would truly never have.
And she knew the answer to the sung question and it made her heart clench and her stomach twist.
"Keeping secrets safe
Every move we make
Seems like no one's letting go"
I have to let go. She couldn't even look at Finn, knowing that she wasn't singing for him.
"And it's such a shame
Cause if you feel the same"
Walking past Finn, she drop her mask for a split second once he couldn't see him, because this was killing her inside.
"How am I supposed to know?
Will we ever say the words we're feeling
Reach out underneath and tear down all the walls"
She could only focus on him. How even though he couldn't look at her while he walked to the top, that she could tell he meant everything he was singing. Even with her impeccable acting skills, she had to fight her hardest not to break down.
"Will we ever have our happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
Pretending, pretending, pretending, pretending"
And in that moment, being forced to look into Finn's eyes, she had to make a choice. She knew what could happen. If she let it happen then she would lose every chance at what she wanted. But if she didn't then she could fight for her heart and her happiness.
A fight she knew she would lose.
No one in that crowd or on that stage realized what it truly meant when her and Finn kissed. Except for the boy, that she knew the exact moment he turned his head to see why it was so silent and who her eyes made contact with when the first notes of the next song started to play.
All she saw was betrayal but she had a show that needed to be performed so she took her place a step above him and avoided eye contact.
When Finn had his solo all she could feel was his presence right behind her and tried so hard to shake it off. But it quickly came back when they all twisted around and she had a perfect view of him, but she quickly blinked away tears and put on her best smile.
Now when she listened to that song all she could think that if they had happened, it would be there song. They would be unstoppable and a force to be reckoned with.
When Jesse came up to her and Finn after the show she knew everything he was saying was correct.
Jesse and her were exactly the same. They both didn't really appreciate the kiss and knew that Finn was completely wrong in his prediction.
It was sweet that he thought so highly of their moment, but her and Jesse knew the truth and the truth was that it wasn't anything special except for in Finn's head.
She tried to look hopefully but she felt as much disappointment that was evident on Jesse's face as he stared at Finn's face. She knew in the pit of her stomach they didn't do it but she tried to have faith.
And then back at the hotel. She wasn't sure if Santana realized, but seeing as Rachel always went above and beyond, she knew everything that she had screamed, which was a little sad because Mr Schue couldn't even keep up.
But she knew she deserved it. Rachel agreed with what everyone was thinking, even though Finn kept preaching that it was the right thing, that either way they would have lost.
Shows how much Finn knew about the performing arts.
After Santana was down, everyone just looked at Rachel, expecting her to say something. Instead she gave her a slight nod, turned, and walked out of the room, all while avoiding the sad gaze of her "almost".
The whole trip back Rachel was silent.
She made the right choice.
At least that's what she tried to convince herself. But Rachel Barbara Berry was excellent actress and could put on any performance, no matter how wrong she knew it was.
She made her choice the moment she agreed to Finn's "work date" and now she had to live with her consequences.
At she was going to play the part.