Well, whilst singing "Supercalifragilisticexpiallidocious" in the shower one night, I was struck by the sudden idea to write a fic with everything cliché and annoying in it. Well, as much as I could think of. It's meant to sound badly written, using everything I could that annoys me personally. Hopefully you don't think I'm really this bad at writing. If you need proof that I'm not, read my other fic, Running the Gauntlet, and please review with ideas for what to do on Wednesday! I have no clue!

So, behold a random fic written late at night whilst consuming unnatural amounts of hot chocolate.

NOTE: This fic is meant to amuse, not offend. Any offence caused is purely accidental and I'm sorry it ever happened.

PART I The Saga Begins

Harry James Potter sat on his bed in Number Four Privet Drive with a contemplative look on his thin face. It was his birthday tonight. For some strange reason, Hogwarts had broken up early, at the start of July (most irregular for English schools) so he'd been sat wallowing in misery for nearly a month now.

He looked up when a trilling noise sounded through the night air. His snowy owl was flying towards the window and he could see Pigwidgeon zipping around nearby. He happily threw the window open and let the birds in. He was busy opening birthday cards when an official-looking owl tapped on the window.

"Yes OK just a second," Harry said cheerfully and opened the window. The tawny owl deposited a thick envelope on his bed and flew off again. Presents forgotten, Harry opened the letter curiously.

He read it quickly and was thrilled – it was his OWL results.

DivinationPoor

HerbologyExceeds Expectations

History of MagicAcceptable

CharmsOutstanding

Defence Against The Dark ArtsOutstanding

TransfigurationExceeds Expectations

Care Of Magical CreaturesAcceptable

AstronomyAcceptable

PotionsOutstanding

Snape would be furious. He had got the required result. Feeling very happy, he began opening his other envelopes.

The one from Pig had three separate letters in it. He read Ron's first.

Hey mate.

How are you? I get discounts on stuff from Fred and George's new shop. It's cool. I got six OWLs, how about you? We got the letters this morning. Hermione got all O's. I got E's in Defence and Charms. I failed Potions and Divination, and I got an A in Transfiguration. The rest don't matter.

I'm going out with Mione, by the way. I think Bill fancies you.

Lots of love, Ron.

Hello Harry,

From the sounds of your letters to the Order you're doing quite well. I do hope you're keeping on top of your studies, it wouldn't do good for you to fall behind in your NEWTs now, would it?

I suppose Ron told you that I got all O's, didn't he? Well, I have to say I was a bit disappointed with my Arithmancy mark (I asked Professor Dumbledore for it, I only got 213 out of 227) but what's done is done.

I suppose Ronald also told you that I'm courting him. Yes, it's true. I think Bill fancies you.

Lots of love, Hermione.

Hi Harry.

I know you don't expect a letter off me, but I thought I'd just say happy birthday. It's not everyday your young man turns legal! Well, for heterosexual reasons at least. You won't be legal where it matters for another five years, I think.

Thought I'd also say congratulations in your OWLs too, whatever you got. I'm sure a talented lad like you will have got good grades. Don't worry if you did, it's not uncool. I myself got very good grades, and I was no good boy, I can tell you that now!

Also congratulations on becoming Quidditch captain. I would have given anything when I was in school to be able to stay after hours in the changing rooms polishing all those brooms. Yes, I bet you didn't know that now, did you? Bet you thought I didn't like Quidditch. Well, I did. I love to ride a broom. To mount one and have them take you to heaven and back five times a day. So pleasurable. Never got made captain though. Hooch said it wasn't up my alley.

Well, that's enough from me. I'd better say goodbye so you can get on with opening all your presents. I'll see you in a few weeks, Dumbledore says you're to come to Headquarters for a few weeks.

See you then, love Bill.

Harry smiled happily. Bill was a nice sort of chap.

He opened all his presents. Ginny had sent him a chain with a small, familiar-looking dog charm on it. He started crying because it made him think of Sirius. Hermione had sent him a book about coming of age in the Wizarding world. Ron had sent him a load of stuff on the Chudley Cannons. He was about to open the other packages when there was a very loud bang outside in the garden.

Intrigued, he went downstairs and opened the door and walked out onto the road.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Hello, Harry."

With a feminine scream Harry turned to face Lord Voldemort. He was breathing in through his nose and his nostrils were flaring on the intake.

"How did you find me?"

"You are not under Fidelius, boy. I just asked your friend."

"Which friend?"

"The one with red hair."

"Which one with red hair?"

"You expect me to remember the name of the damned thing? Gads, no! There are too many anyway. But enough small talk. I have come here to kill you, and kill you I shall do. Avada Kedavra!"

Harry saw the green light but he didn't see anything else.

He woke up a few days later locked in the cupboard. There was a jug of water in the corner and he drunk from it greedily. What had happened? One minute he had been about to be hit with the Killing Curse, next he was back in his cupboard. What was that all about? Confused, he fainted.

Two weeks later, Severus Snape stared at a fat man.

"You're fat." He said bluntly. After all, Snape was not a nice man and he didn't do niceties. "I've come to collect Potter."

"He's under the stairs." The fat man said, his piggy eyes narrowed and he pointed to the cupboard door. "We locked him up because we found him wandering about at night. He shouldn't be let out."

Snape opened the door and pulled Potter out by the feet. He took one look at the boy and gasped.

He was thin to the point of emaciated. His cheekbones stuck out sharply and his eyes were all sunken and nasty. It looked as though he hadn't been fed in weeks. Plus there were a few marks where he had quite obviously been beaten, even though Snape had no such proof that this had happened.

Suddenly, he realised that he had misjudged the boy. It was obvious that Po – Harry was not his father, that he was a poor, neglected child who needed to be cared for, and in that moment Snape saw the real boy. In that moment, Snape had an epiphany.

It would be his job to guard and protect this child.

"Come on Harry, we need to go. I will never let you come here ever again."

Harry was pleasantly surprised by the new Severus (Snape had agreed to let him call him that on the way to HQ). He was nice and his hair wasn't as greasy as it had used to be.

They walked through the front door and were greeted by lots of red hair. The moving red hedge proceeded to hug Harry in about six different ways, then a smaller brown hedge hugged him. He grinned around at his friends. He couldn't wait for the rest of the summer.

Well, that's that for now. Hope that amused you, it's fun to write, and chapter 2 will be coming soon! Put in your reviews anythign that annoys you and I'll be sure to include it!

Have fun!

smokey2307