At first, Nozomi thought she was content to sit and watch.
Honoka was so radiant, but she convinced herself that being in the girl's general vicinity was enough. A light that shone so bright, Nozomi could bask in it from an arm's-length and not threaten to blind herself by getting too close. Enjoying the warmth of someone without putting herself in danger. A tactic she convinced herself was the proper path for feelings and thoughts she wasn't all too sure how to categorize. Honoka was her polar opposite. They could be the best of friends. But more than that? Nozomi would scoff at the idea, though out of rejection or fear she wasn't sure.
It wasn't hard keeping that distance for a few weeks. Practice for competitions and new songs were enough to keep a jumbled mind occupied. Nozomi basked in it, Honoka's shine as she lead the group forward, and each time was warmer than the last. A churning in her stomach that wouldn't go away whenever Honoka's eyes shimmered, grew into full-on flips and butterflies. A stutter and dry throat when talking to someone were scary, doubly so when that person was as brilliant as Honoka.
What it was took time to piece together. Nozomi took great pride in an intuition she'd honed well over the years. Picking up on small details. Understanding what and how a person felt in any given situation. Her own didn't come as quick. Maybe it was fear of an unknown that held back the realization. A fluttering heart and wandering eyes were all telltale signs of something Nozomi understood as a crush. The idea of falling for Honoka was dismissed as soon as the idea wormed its way into her thoughts. All of those signs applied to other people, after all, not herself. Love wasn't something she was allowed to bask in so simply. It should be reserved for something more than a blind high school crush built on nothing more than a want to watch Honoka smile.
Love should be something more than a raw want to bring happiness, or that's what Nozomi tried to tell herself.
It was at Muse's lowest low that Nozomi realized a want to bring a smile was much larger than a simple thing. She'd tried to give what help she could from the sideline, it was an issue between the second-years more than anything, but Honoka was almost defeated. The light that Nozomi convinced herself she was alright simply watching from afar had been within a few seconds of dying, and there was nothing she could do. The tears Honoka openly shed made her stomach turn, but not with the same giddiness or nerves, only fear, and despair. Powerless, that was all she felt as the person she'd come to secretly adore fell down and couldn't help pick back up.
Things went back to normal. Nozomi could watch once again as Honoka lead their group along with an innocence and glee that brought with that same quickened heartbeat and butterflies. The shine was back. It was with a different, more determined, fire, but it was back. It didn't feel as silly anymore, wanting nothing more than to protect a girl's cheerful smile, and that building the foundation for some sort of feeling. It wasn't an immediate shift, and Nozomi never wanted to have that talk with Nico or Eli ever again, but she was confident in calling it, love.
Knowing what it was didn't mean she had to do anything about it.
Watching still filled her with that same excitement and energy as it did when they first met. Knowing she was in love just made those jittery and sweaty palms when talking to Honoka nothing to be scared of. It was a giddy, childlike first crush. Honoka-like was how Nozomi liked to describe it to herself. Built on nothing more than wanting to see the girl she loved happy and smiling. The thought brought with it a brief moment of hesitation as she wondered if it were enough to call love, but the smile that love came from wasn't just anyone's, it was Honoka's.
It was always meant to be a secret. Something only Eli and Nico were allowed to be in on. Honoka was never going to know. That was a vow Nozomi swore to when the first utterance of love was made. A first love to be taken to the grave, or at least to the end of her high school life, that much had been set in stone. But as with most things that dealt with Honoka, Nozomi never knew what to expect.
Graduation was supposed to be the end.
It was never going to be an easy thing to do, of course. Nozomi loved Honoka, and giving up on that brought with it countless, tear-filled phone calls to Eli as graduation reared its head, and straight to the point lectures from Nico on her regular visits. They both said the same thing each time. 'Tell her.' It was easy to gain some unfounded confidence late at night when confiding in your closest friends, but each time she would be confronted by those white teeth and orange hair it'd disappear.
So she would give up. A long process that wouldn't end just because she wasn't around Otonoki anymore. She'd still see Honoka often, and that smile wouldn't get any less brilliant, and that cheer would never dull even one bit. Nozomi knew all of that, and how hard it would make quitting a love she'd fallen far too deep into.
The day of graduation shattered any hope she had of moving forward.
The day was what Nozomi had expected. Tears, hugs, and a whole lot of looking forward to an uncertain future. The smiles were what made it possible not break down. Rin, Maki, and Hanayo did a send-off with their own song and moments alone in the club room that Nozomi knew she'd look back on as some of her fondest. Umi and Kotori were formal in a way that was expected. Kotori knit a set of beautiful charms all in their colors, and Umi wrote wonderful poems filled with personal moments only Eli, Nico or Nozomi would ever be privy to.
Honoka's smile was different in a way she'd never seen. Nozomi watched as she took Nico off to the roof for minutes. Coming back with a streak of red in both of their eyes. Eli's turn was next and the process was much the same, though Nico wouldn't give any idea as to what their talk was about.
"Mind your own business," Nico said without the years of trained confidence.
Eli came back looking the same as Nico did, with red cheeks and dry tears. Honoka in the same state.
"Honoka wants to talk to you before we head to her house for the party," Eli said in between a sniffle.
"Can you give me any hint?" Nozomi asked low enough so Honoka wouldn't hear.
Eli shook her head. "I think what she tells you will be different anyway. She might be taking this harder than anyone else."
Nozomi stood to the side as Eli passed by. There was Honoka, standing by the stairwell and beckoning her close.
The smile that she'd told herself deserved protection wasn't there anymore. It was some half-assed grin that masked a girl on the verge of letting herself go. Nozomi had seen it in the mirror to many times to count.
As the door to the rooftop swung open, and the gentle breeze closed it behind them, Nozomi knew from the budding tears in Honoka's eyes that this was a face she never wanted to see her love making. It came roaring back, not that it was well hidden in the first place, but a split-second decision was made. One much in the vein of Honoka's as a leader. Giving up was the cowards way out, and Honoka deserved much more than that even if she'd never come to know about Nozomi's love.
"Congratulations, Nozomi," Honoka shouted as she turned on her heel to face Nozomi, just a foot apart. "I'm so happy for you guys. I can't believe you've already graduated."
"You've already said that a whole bunch since this morning." Nozomi heard the tremble and saw the downward twitch at the edge of Honoka's lips. "But thank you, and what did you want to talk to me about. Is it the same thing as Nico and Eli?"
There was dumb hope that it wasn't.
"I wanted to congratulate you guys without everyone around." Honoka waited, lips falling into an ugly, straight line as she kept eye contact. "And say thanks for joining Muse. I know it was a weird and dumb idea, but it wasn't until you three joined that we became real school idols."
"And I'm glad I got to be apart of this amazing and special group. You all became like family to me." Nozomi swallowed down a growing lump, her vision distorted as she did her best to look Honoka in the eye. The words were sad and sweet, but the somber expression was frustrating.
Honoka nodded as she wiped her eyes clean on the wrists of her jacket. "We'll always be close. All nine of us no matter what, right?"
Eye contact was broken as Honoka hid her face, the foot between them became inches as Nozomi moved forward with no control of her body. "We'll always be close."
"But what if we aren't?" Honoka asked in between deep breaths, eyes still hidden. "Then are we still the nine Muses like you said?"
And urge to pull Honoka in was fought off. Nozomi did not want to get unnecessary hopes up. "It's like I've always said. The nine of us have a special connection, and it doesn't matter how far away we are. We'll be connected like we are now for the rest of our lives."
Honoka looked up, face partially in her hands, still no smile. "You're sure about that?"
"Of course I am." Nozomi allowed on hand to sneak its way onto Honoka's shoulder, the small squeeze providing comfort. "If this what you talked to Eli and Nico about?"
Honoka shook her head no. "I just told them how much they meant to me and that I'll miss them."
Nozomi quirked an eyebrow, a want to see Honoka smile more than ever burst open inside of her at the admission. "Than why are you telling me?"
"I don't know," Honoka revealed her face, frown gone, but no smile and face wet with tears. "I wasn't going to, but I felt like you'd be able to cheer me up."
"Did I help?" Nozomi asked. A simple question that carried a sentiment far heavier than anything she could remember. It was seeking a confirmation that she could fulfill a selfish promise. A vain wish that she could bring Honoka a smile unique to only her.
Honoka smiled but didn't talk. Teeth showing and lips wide as she went in for a gentle hug. Honoka rubbed her face on Nozomi's shoulder and held her arms loosely around the waist.
"I'm happy I could help." Nozomi reciprocated with arms around Honoka's shoulders and gentle circles on the back. A first love that'd been trampled down and hidden away burst out front and center. "Because I love you most when you smile."
Second, minutes, or hours, Nozomi didn't know how much time passed before she came to her senses. The grip around her waist tightened and the head on her shoulder lifted. The butterflies were back like they'd never been before, and the familiar dry mouth made it hard to try and take back. Solace was found in the fact Honoka didn't pull away, and she was able to smile. Relief and hope-filled that hole previously occupied with anxieties and a want to move on.
Honoka pulled her face back, still in Nozomi's arms. "Really?"
Nozomi tried to swallow and find her voice but couldn't, settling instead for a deliberate nod.
"Then it's your job to make me smile when I'm sad," Honoka said, no tears in her eyes.
"I'll do my best."
Nozomi pulled Honoka back in tight, feeling a beating heart against her own chest and deep breaths against her neck. All of it punctuated by a bright, cheery, and gorgeous smile on Honoka's face that she was responsible for.