The Spy Who's Chubby
Synopsis: Inspired by "Witless Protection". Larry has a dream about becoming Tater Tot, the latest, greatest spy that ever spied and strangely, his aspiration becomes reality. The only trouble is, what if this reality is more than he expected ?
Chapter 1--Your Country Needs You
Larry and Connie were in the midst of their own marriage ceremony when it was suddenly interrupted. Annoyed, Larry fished his cell phone from his lapel pocket.
"If it's about the incident with Cool Whip and Olga the stripper at last night's bachelor party, I don't know nuttin.", he stated in a hushed voice. Fortunately for him Connie couldn't read lips.
"Larry, it's Orange. We're in dire need of your assistance.", Agent Orange stated. Usually he sounded calm and collected but he was definitely distressed.
"Has Madeleine gotten herself into trouble again ?", Larry questioned.
"Actually trouble found her. I can't go into it here, he could be listening.", Orange said, as quietly as he could.
"Well you picked a plum good time to be ruinatin' my weddin. I'm angrier than lactose intolerant ice-cream junkie !", he yelled.
"Larry ! Why you stallin' ? You'd better have a good reason or I'll walk out on you.", Connie threatened, tapping her foot angrily. She was flustered and had every right to be so. After all, she had been waiting for years for Larry to finally get up the courage to ask her for her hand and she was the one with the backbone to do the proposing herself.
"Agent Orange, in case you haven't noticed, I'm getting married ! Can't Madeleine wait ?", Larry said as he turned his back to Connie and Connie tried to grab the cell phone away from him. Their struggling could be heard on the other end of the line, and Orange had to admit it sounded pretty intense (and strangely humorous).
"No. This concerns more than just Madeleine. I will give you the details once I have contacted you in person.", Orange said before hanging up. Larry bit his lip and fiddled with the golden ring in his hand. Cursing silently in his mind he begrudgingly informed the pastor that the wedding would have to be cancelled.
"Oh no you didn't !", Connie said as she tried to pull Larry back to the altar.
"Connie, I'm sorry but my country needs me.", Larry said as he brought her close and kissed her passionately on the lips. The sizzle of the sultry smooch left her dazed momentarily but she snapped back into reality quickly.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean, you son of a bitch ?!", she screamed, shaking the foundation of the church with the mere decibels of her voice.
"Connie, honey…You know I love you ! But, I have to go. It's for the good of the United States of America. I will return, and when I do, we can do this weddin' proper.", he said, saluting before running down the aisle. Everyone gave him sour glances, murderous gazes and shameful expressions as he ran toward the door. Poor Connie was left with a golden solitaire on her hand and tears in her eyes.
"You damn well better keep your promise, Larry. Cuz if you don't, you're gonna wish you never been born.", she vowed within her heart.
Larry had been minding his own business around town looking for Orange when a pair of unfamiliar hands grabbed him from behind and hoisted him into a van.
"What in the name of Dale Earnheart do you think you're doin' ! You nearly gave me a coronary !", Larry exclaimed, grasping his chest and rasping a bit. The other man in black did his best to keep from snickering.
"Sorry, but there was no other way. Man, you have to go on a diet someday…Your ass is heavy.", Orange said, honestly. Larry was hurt but his skin was tough so the remark didn't linger long.
"I'm doin' the best I can. So, what's the mission ?", Larry said, rubbing his hands together eagerly.
"It appears our little socialite really does have enemies in this cruel world. During her last party, an old bitter boyfriend showed up. Turns out that he's the head of the Russian mafia. Name Viktor Brukofski. Real messed up mofo.", Orange said, frowning.
"So, I gotta be the guy to rescue her. Well I hate to say it, but I have something more important to do and that is get married !", Larry yelled as he tried to jimmy the door to unlock. Unfortunately, the doors were shut airtight so there was no possible means of escape.
"Sorry, Charlie but you have no say in this. Either you rescue her and find a way to appease Mr. Brukofski or we're gonna have World War 3 on our hands.
Chapter 2--Cold War Revisited
Before Larry knew what to do with himself, he had been given the best technology that the CIA had to offer. They would be flying him to Russia under an alias.
"From this point on, you're Tater Tot. If someone wants your name, you can say it is "Todd" and you have no last name.", Orange said as he prepared Larry for "Code: Red". It was like a James Bond film come to life, only Larry was Bond. His forehead began to perspire as he thought of the implications of this mission and how horribly unprepared he was for it. Sure he had a Mix Master 5000 of his own at home but it was nothing near to the action he would be seeing here in a foreign land. Fortunately, Orange would act as a translator for him over his ear-bud and Larry would simply have to repeat what he said.
"It shouldn't be so hard.", Larry mused as he walked ever closer to St. Basil's Cathedral. This was Viktor's main base of operations and no telling how many goons and guards would be standing around protecting the 'boss'.
"Alright, repeat after me.", Orange said.
"Good day to you, fine sirs.", he stated in Russian.
"Nice firs.", Larry repeated. Orange slapped his forehead.
"Damn it, this is going to be rough.", Orange thought. But the goons thought nothing of it.
"If it isn't too much trouble, I have a package to deliver to Viktor.", Larry said.
"But Viktor's birthday isn't until tomorrow.", one broad shouldered gigantic thug said.
"Let's consider it an early gift then. Come on, I'm an old frat buddy of his. Used to get drunk off our asses in Moscow U !", Larry said, palling around.
"Don't get too familiar with them, they might get suspicious !", Orange said, cautiously. Larry nodded and brought his little 'surprise' in with him, which was actually a sleep bomb. When the time was right, he would release it and it would be nighty-night for Brukofski.
Viktor was dancing the tango with Madeleine. For some strange reason, this raised Larry's ire considerably. The way he moved with her was almost indecent. If they had no clothing on, it would've been considered rape with the pelvic thrusts he executed, and quite artfully at that.
"Happy birthday, Viktor !", Larry said.
"Who the devil are you ?", Victor said, eyebrows furrowing. He kissed Madeleine passionately and left her side momentarily.
"Why, I'm Todd, your old frat buddy ? Don't tell me you don't recognize your old son of a bitch !", Larry said, one arm open and the other arm holding the bomb.
"It's travaritch and nyet.", Viktor replied sourly. He scowled at the fat, but debonair man in front of him.
"You're cold, dude. You really know how to hurt a guy's feelings. I can't believe after all these years you don't know me ! Really, you should just jab a steak knife right here. THUNK ! Done !", Larry said, really playing up his acting ability.
"I am sorry. Let me make it up to you. After all, you do have a present and who gives a damn if it isn't until tomorrow ?", Viktor said, taking the present away from him. Larry yanked the bow off but Viktor had seen what he was trying to do. Quickly, Viktor tossed the present into the adjoining room and ducked. All the while, Larry took Madeleine by the arm and ran to Orange's getaway Cadillac.
"It's so good to see you again, Larry.", she said, kissing his cheek.
"It's Tot. Tater Tot.", Larry said, adjusting his hat in a suave manner.
She rolled her eyes.
"That's the most creative thing you could come up with ? Please.", she said, hoping he would have more originality than that.
"It was Orange's idea, not mine, sugar tits.", Larry responded, a bit hurt.
"Still as tactful and polite as ever I see.", she said. They didn't have much time to reconcile because Viktor had started to chase them. He meant business. He was shooting them with an AK-47.
"Oh SHIT !", Orange said as he careened off the road to avoid getting shot at.
The Russian continued firing and Larry began to roll down his window.
"What are you doing ? Are you INSANE ?!", Madeleine asked, trying to stop him.
"No, but Brukovski is. What is it with you and jealous boyfriends anyway ? Are all your exes PSYCHO bastards ?!", Larry questioned. Now that she thought of it, many of her beaus in the past had been a bit…intense and berserk.
"Do whatever you gotta do, Tot !", Madeleine screeched as Larry took aim at Brukovski's Cadillac and shot out it's front window.
"Are you gonna help me or just sit there like a sack of socks ?", Larry asked the second man in black, who oddly enough, was scared out of his wits.
"He's got post traumatic stress syndrome…he's useless.", Madeleine said as another bullet hit the side of the car, causing her to jump a bit in her seat. Brukovski had shot the tires out of Orange's vehicle, causing it to careen off the road.
It seemed as though Brukovski was going to be victorious but Larry had other plans in mind.
Chapter 3--Death-Defying Escape
While the car was still moving, Larry was able to break the window (and apologize) and open the door. Running toward Brukovski as fast as he could, he shot repeatedly and heard the bullet hit something. Viktor emerged, exiting his car and the car spun around until it rear ended a tree and burst into flames, exploding.
"Crafty and smart, but not too smart.", Viktor hissed as he cocked the gun again and aimed it right at Larry's heart. Before the Russian could say one more word, Larry shot him, but in the left arm. He didn't have the conscience to kill someone, even if that someone had tried to murder him.
"Why did you let me live, Todd ?", Viktor asked as he grasped his arm and seethed in pain.
"Villain or not, all deserve to live.", Larry said, wisely. The Russian felt tears welling in his eyes and began to cry. Larry believed he could trust the Mafioso well enough to allow him in for an embrace. But at that moment, Viktor plunged a syringe into Larry's skin. Strangely, the syringe wouldn't sink in.
"Damn it, die you bastard !", he yelled, trying to stab the needle into Larry's thick hide but the needle dented. Instead the needle bounced off and hit him in the leg.
"Oh…crap !", Viktor said as he fell over and instantly died. Apparently the needle had cyanide in it and had been meant to murder Larry.
"Never ever trust a disgruntled Russian.", Larry mused to himself, walking away from the cold, lifeless body of his enemy.
"I guess it is true what they say about you rednecks. You do have thick skin.", Madeleine said as she kissed his cheek affectionately for saving her again. The second agent had called for a helicopter to pick them up as they left Orange's ride behind.
"Should be worried about the other Mafioso ?", Larry asked, pulling on his tuxedo to reveal his typical ratty wife beater shirt, blue jeans and the camouflage hat he had been wearing the whole time had remained a permanent fixture and trademarks.
"No. By the time his heavy-handed goons have heard anything they won't be able to trace us. Mafioso or not, it'd be a miracle for them to track us down.", Agent Blue, the second agent said, as they flew out of Moscow and headed back to Washington.
Epilogue
Madeleine went into Viktor and her past and why they could never be compatible.
"He was simply too domineering. Never knew he was involved in the underground until later. You know the mob boss type, very mysterious. They have to be very cautious about their lifestyle. Even if the word gets out they have a reputation to keep.", she said.
"So it seems that way with every man you meet. You gotta make me a promise, Madeleine.", Larry stated, seriously, looking her in the eyes as he got off the helicopter and held her hands gently.
"What's that, Agent Tater Tot, or should I just call you Todd ?", Madeleine questioned, flirting with him a bit.
"Don't get involved with bad boys. I don't care if they're the rebel next door, just don't do it ! Got that through your curly blonde head.", Larry said, tapping her forehead. Madeleine knew Larry had a point. She had made atrocious decisions before but never again. She had learned her lesson when she nearly lost her life.
"Thanks for saving my butt, again. You really are a hero. I should've known you would've known what to do in any situation.", she said, graciously.
"I suppose watching TV is good for something.", Larry stated, chuckling. Just then, the sultry blonde leaned forward to kiss him deeply on the lips.
"Something to send you home safely.", she said before the helicopter lifted from the heli-base and disappeared into the skies. Larry had no clue as to where Madeleine was going, but he had a feeling he wouldn't be seeing her again. Strangely, he felt dizzy and began to have a sensation of falling, or in this case, floating.
"Her lipstick couldn't have been poisoned could it ? Nah…No chance. What's happening then ?", he thought. He wondered if the bean burritos he had wolfed down at the local Mexican restaurant had given him a bad case of indigestion. For a while, he found himself replaying old and new Bond movies in his head and Secret Agent Man began to play, with his own lyrics.
"Larry ! Larry, are you listenin' to me ? It's the big day, gotta get ready.", Connie said as she hoisted Larry up from the bed and patted his face a couple of times to rouse him.
"Huh ? Connie, what are you saying ?", Larry said, apparently confused. She pointed at the engagement ring on her finger.
"Oh, fudge !", Larry thought. He quickly awoke to face reality. He had been dreaming the whole time, and for once he was glad.
"I heard you mention a girl in your dreams Larry. You're not cheatin are ya ? Cuz if you are, so help me I'll cattle prod you right in the sperm producers.", Connie said, making a fist and standing defensively. Automatically, wincing, Larry covered his private region upon the mention of his nether regions. Without much thinking, he got ready and in what seemed like milliseconds, the two had arrived to the church right on schedule.
It was the most beautiful sight anyone had seen in ages. Larry's ma and pa couldn't have been happier for their son, marrying a beautiful, intelligent woman such as Connie.
"Their younguns are gonna be real purty. Don't you think ?", Larry's mother stated, hinting that kids were going to be in their future. Larry certainly hoped that there would be kids, since he liked having them around his house and playing in his yard.
As soon as the wedding bells pealed, it was official. Larry and Connie had become man and wife. He knew his days of dreaming of espionage were over. He had something more meaningful to hold on to: his beautiful wife, the possibility of family and his work holding the peace and sanctity of the small town he lived in as sacrosanct.
The End