Sesh-Uyeh
Heartsick
Tamar Kir-Bataar knew what Heartsickness was. It was the pain that came from loving something, of having to leave it. She had seen far too much of it in her short life, and she had seen it in many forms.
It was the note of desperation in their father's voice as he followed their mothers last request- spiriting the twins away to Novyi Zem, far from Second Armies and Grisha Examiners.
It was the dark blur of their home fading into the distance as the Tamar and Tolya sailed away, orphans now, for their father was gone too. It was the tears that glittered in their golden eyes as they sailed away aboard Sturmhond's ship.
It was the glow fading from raging red eyes, the gleam of Rusalye's gold-and-white scales, wet with blood. It was Alina's tears; glittering like diamonds as they fell on the collar around her throat, the look on her face as the fetter was sealed around her wrist.
It was the fairwell in Nikolai's eyes as he pressed the letter into Privyet's hands and looked around the Volkvolny one last time. Trying to say goodbye to the ship, the crew, to Sturmhond, to the entire life that he had built for himself there.
It was Genya, turning her scarred face away from David in the shadows of the palace chapel. It was the look of bleak despair on Alina's face as she tried to summon light, buried deep beneath the miles of rock and earth in the White Cathedral.
It was the sheer terror in the Sun Summoner's scream as she watched Nikolai fly away from her on shadowy wings. It was watching Nevsky and his soldiers jump from the side of the Bittern to the battle of the Spinning Wheel below, knowing they would die.
It was the knife that Alina thrust into Mal's chest. The shadows that she wrapped around it's hilt before she did the same to the Darkling. The power that blazed through her, for a fraction of an instant, shattering the amplifiers and scattering into every otkazat'sya within range.
It was wistful longing in Nikolai's eyes as he watched Alina retreating into the crowd. The horrible, empty look that glazed over his eyes whenever he thought nobody was watching, the gloves that he always wore to hide the dark scars on his fingers.
Tamar had never felt it though. Not til the moment she saw Tolya's emaciated form lying limp and inert on the stretcher. Tamar froze, golden eyes wide with shock and horror. She whirled as she felt a gloved hand on her shoulder, remembering all at once that she was on duty as the captain of the king's personal guard. It was Nikolai. He looked down at her silently for a moment, then spoke in a soft voice.
"Take the day off Tamar, Nevsky can take your place." He patted her back and nodded to Nevsky before turning and striding out of the Little Palace.
Tamar stood there for what felt like hours, staring at the closed doors of the new infirmary/prison that had been built to house Parem addicted Grisha. It wasn't until she felt a slender arm snake around her shoulders that she turned her head. Nadia stood beside her biting her lip and watching the Shu girl silently.
"I just heard. Tamar, I'm so sorry!"
She melted into the slender Squaller, burying her face in her shoulder. Nadia led her quietly through the Little Palace to their room with an arm around the Heartrender's shoulders.
That night she slipped into the Parem wing of the Little Palace, standing at her brothers bedside. His eyes fluttered open; slowly coming to focus on his sister.
"Tamar?" Her hand found his, fingers slowly intertwining.
"Tolya..."
"Tamar, please... don't let me die like this." She knew what he meant, her fingers jerked away from his.
"Tolya, I can't... you can't ask me to do that." His fingers clasped around her wrists pulling her hands to rest against his chest. Over his heart.
"Yuyeh sesh, Tamar." Despise your heart. Do what needs to be done. Be cruel if you must. Her fingers flexed slightly, and she bowed her head, dark hair falling in a curtain around them. But she used her power.
The Heartrender honed her power, reaching out and focusing onto her brother's weakly beating heart. Slowly, almost gently, she clenched her fist, stopping his heart once and for all. As the light faded from his golden eyes she pressed hr face into his chest and spoke in a whisper barely above a thought.
"Na weh sesh." I have a Heart.