(Blah blar I don't own these characters and whatnot.)
Ooo a shippy fic... Gotta love 'em. Anyways this is EARLY Xena/Gabby. I was watching the season one and two episodes and was trying to figure out where and when those two crossed the line, if you know what I mean. I couldn't pinpoint a certain episode or two, so I decided to write a one-shot. So here you go. This is how it went down.
Xena lay on her back, as always, a satisfied sparkle lying hidden behind her closed eyes. It was a beautiful night. Crickets and night birds were chirping all around, the air was warm and the breeze was cool. Gabrielle lay awake listening to the wind snake through the trees, letting it blow across her neck and fuss with her hair. She was on her stomach, propped up on her elbows, looking down at the dark beauty beside her. Gabrielle loved to watch Xena sleep. It was the only time she was able to look at her the way she wanted, to study all the things about her she missed during the day because Xena was always dodging her, always going so fast. The warrior was a mystery. Gabrielle felt Xena watching her through the day, in a way that friends do not watch each other, and still, when night fell, Xena was just a good pal. It was almost as if she made a conscious effort to be a-sexual, to squash or ignore any advances with subtle body movement, dodging those knowing glances, changing the subject.
"You alright?" Came a hoarse squeak from beside her. Xena's ice-blue eyes appeared like a mirror to the night sky.
Gabrielle flashed a small smile. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep."
Xena's brow furrowed for an instant. "You sure you're alright?' She searched her friend's face for a sign of distress, and found nothing but a secret serenity. Still there was a sadness behind her eyes Xena did not like at all.
"Just enjoying the night air." She swallowed back the words, And you, and turned her gaze to the field just beyond the camp where fireflies by the millions were lighting up the long silky grass.
Xena closed her eyes again and the two lay in silence for a few minutes before the warrior spoke up again. "So you going to tell me what's bothering you?"
Gabrielle let out a long sigh, full of frustration and exhaustion. "Xena, go back to sleep." She got up and poked at the fire, throwing a few more sticks into it and reviving the embers into a dwarf flame.
Xena sat up and watched her for a second, then asked, "Is it your family?"
"No, it's not my family. Never mind, Xena. Just let it go."
"Why are you getting so angry?"
"Because you're not listening to me."
"I'm listening to you. I always listen to you."
Then Gabrielle turned to her. "No, you don't. You hear me, but you never listen."
That hurt Xena. "What are you talking about?"
Gabrielle let out a frustrated growl and shouted, "Never mind!" Then she calmed herself down and said, "Really, it's fine. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just cranky because I can't sleep. I'm going out to watch the fireflies. Please go back to sleep, you need your rest."
Xena watched Gabrielle walk away from her, followed her form out to the edge of the forest, where she sat down between two skinny white trees and watched the field light up before her. Xena watched her shift her weight until she was comfortable. She watched her pull her hair over to one side. She saw her hand rubbing her arm as though she was cold, and she knew at that instant what this was about. The warrior looked into the little flames, wondering what to say, how to go about this without losing her nerve. Without hurting Gabrielle. She glanced back at her friend in the distance, caught Gabrielle bringing a hand to her face, and was up and on her way in an instant. She didn't know what she was going to say, but Gabrielle was crying, and she couldn't sit by and let that happen.
She had barely stepped up behind her when Gabrielle said, "Why don't you love me?"
"What?"
"Is it something I do or say? Is it the way I look?" She turned around and quickly glanced at Xena. "Look, I'm not going to try and change your mind or anything, I just have to know why."
Xena looked at her feet for a second. "I do love you." She said quietly, not knowing where to begin, how to go about this.
That platonic friend-love was about to suffocate Gabrielle. "Xena, you know what I mean."
"Gabrielle, I --" she stopped, took a breath, tried again. "It's not what you think."
"Whatever, Xena, just tell me the truth. Don't try to spare my feelings, it'll hurt worse if you lie."
"It's not about you." Xena came around so that she was facing Gabrielle's profile. She felt better when she could see her face, gauge her reactions.
"Oh please," Gabrielle started, but the warrior cut her off.
"No, that's the truth, Gabrielle. It's not about you at all. It's about me and my past."
Gabrielle turned to Xena, waiting for an explanation.
"I'm not the kind of person you should get mixed up with."
The bard unfolded in frustration. "Xena, shouldn't that be my decision?"
"You don't understand. I haven't told you everything I did. You don't know what I'm capable of doing."
Gabrielle was on her feet, looking Xena in the eye. "Are you trying to tell me the reason you won't..." she couldn't say it, so she swallowed and skipped over it. "You're saying you're trying to protect me from yourself?"
"Yes exactly." She was stoic, her voice almost like a whisper.
The bard had no words for the anger inside her. She shook her head and walked away.
Xena followed a few paces after. "Gabrielle wait."
"Xena, why do you think I left home?"
"Because you were being forced into an arranged marriage."
"No. It was because everyone wouldn't stop protecting me. My sister, my parents, my friends, and especially my betrothed, all saw my short stature and treated me like I was perpetually 9 years old. Like I couldn't figure out on my own what was best for me. So they mapped out my entire adult life for me, protecting me from decisions they didn't think I could handle on my own. Now you'll protect me from actual danger, and that I appreciate, but don't protect me from imagined perils, Xena, it's just insulting. I might as well go back home and let them cage me in."
The warrior was quiet for a moment. "Gabrielle, I'm sorry. But I just can't back down on this one. I care way too much about you to risk hurting you."
Gabrielle paused and seemed to collect herself, then she came over and faced Xena, the tears on her cheeks reflecting in the moonlight. She looked the warrior straight in the eye and said gently, "You're hurting me now."
Her words cut straight to the core of Xena, and the tall woman stood dumbfounded as Gabrielle brushed past her and went back to the campsite. She took a moment to process her shock, then turned and saw Gabrielle moving her bedroll to the other side of the campfire. She marched out there, stood near the bard as she laid the furs out and arranged the blankets, and said the first thing that came into her mind.
"It hurts me, too."
Gabrielle went very still for a second and then looked up at Xena. She plopped the wad of blanket she had in her hands down onto the bedroll and stood there and waited, wondering. The warrior's eyes cut straight into her own -- suddenly so steady, so purposeful -- Gabrielle's body reacted to the change and chills ran up her spine. For an instant she wondered if she was really prepared to see all the facets of her companion, whether she really was strong enough to handle her love.
The funny thing was, at that moment, looking into the sparkling green eyes of the young woman before her, Xena was wondering the same thing.