(Hmm. I don't know whether to call this more of a parody or satire, frankly. A bit of both, perhaps...kind of my own insight on Sues and /perfect/ Self-Inserts, and just...pointing out gaping plotholes in their story? Yeah, sure, I'll go with that.
Anyways, there are a few things I want to clear up; I'm not bashing anyone's OCs, /because I'm guilty of, like, half of this stuff, but merely pointing out that yes, some Self-Inserts are probably a lot like this. Ah, to be desperate for perfection... Okay, right, don't own.)
Kiki knew there was something wrong in the air as soon as the day started.
The two-time Johto League Champion stopped for a second, testing the air. It was strange here... So odd, really. Like something had gone stale...
She shrugged, and shook her head. Adjusting her Pokeball belt, she went down the road to her hometown of Blackthorn. She smiled as she saw her house, just up on the mountains, and she smiled.
Climbing up the steps, she went inside, and knocked on the door. Her mother opened it quickly, a tired smile greeting her daughter, and she ushered her in without a word.
Kiki called out her Pokemon; a Typhlosion named Mikazi, a Pikachu named Zag, a Sneasel named Erdar, and two Pokemon from foreign lands; a male shiny Gardevoir called Raito and a Glaceon called Marantha.
They all gave her a look as soon as she saw them; a look that spoke of 'who are you again?', the look you get when you see someone at a cocktail party and you're almost goddamn sure you'd had sex with them at one point, but you just couldn't really remember when.
The look was gone as quick as it came—sighing, she dismissed it as a dalliance, something left over from sleep, and set their bowls of chow down on the table.
As she ate, she reflected on her life.
It was a charmed one, starting with her acquisition of her starter, and beating three gyms in eight days' time. This had started rumors of her greatness, a whisper of the woman she was to become.
As a young girl-child, she had taken down Team Rocket, and stopped them for good. Amazing, wasn't it? She brought down two executives about twenty years older than her, and did it splendidly.
And that wasn't the end. She was the first person to ever pass the Dragon's Den test in ages. Thirty years, they said. Maybe even more.
It was after she won the championship that she went around to Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Kanto. In Hoenn, she'd discovered a rare shiny being hurt by a pack of Poochyena; conveniently, the two had become fast friends immediately, and the Ralts soon evolved.
She'd become famous. A legend, one of those wonderful ones in which they are still alive so you may gossip about them and wait for a scandal.
She sighed, and stood up. This train of thought was leading her somewhere she didn't want to go. But she couldn't seem to stop, not really. She walked out the door, and sat down on the rocks surrounding her house.
She was almost eighteen. She, Kiki, was loved by the entire world. She had a perfect life. Almost...too perfect.
She'd had a boyfriend, once, but she'd ditched him. His endless declarations of love were annoying.
There had been that stale feeling underneath it again; like she was airing out someone's old fantasies and dreams. Now that she thought about it, a lot of her life was stale. Like something you'd left out to air and be seen for awhile; though, under all that exposure, it had rotted.
She sighed.
Why had no one ever died?
Strange, if you thought about it. And she never had grandparents, or a father; just a mom, who loved her unconditionally, showered her with praise and gifts.
Why didn't anyone else live in her family? Her mother had a sister, but she was never really spoken of much; people said that she'd been a horrible drunk and was locked up in an asylum for her own good. Kiki had spent a lot of time worrying about that, though she'd hardly ever known the woman; for some odd reason, she thought it'd affect her somehow...
And she didn't have grandparents. Why didn't her mother at least mention that she was an orphan? Or a widow?
Why were there no graves for Kiki to visit?
Her friend's parents hadn't died in some battle that got out of hand. No one had committed suicide, or gotten too drunk and choked on their own vomit, or died in a car crash, or been eaten by an Arbok, or stung by a Beedrill—no one goddamn died! Would someone just hurry up and die already!?
She'd screamed this last part out, and she stopped, letting her words sink their claws into the air and ride it far away from here. She bit her lip, and called for her Pokemon.
"Come on, guys, let's go. I need to go into town for a bit." They gave her that blank look for a moment. She sighed and went, knowing they'd follow her eventually.
Indeed they did, and soon enough, she reached the main square of Blackthorn. She spied one of her friends, a girl named Koikeno, and she rushed up to her, relieved.
"Koikeno, there you are!" "Everything's been really worrying today, and frankly, I think I'm turning into a piece of stale bread, and do you know what they do with stale bread they throw it out but how are you today my dear?" She laughed silently, grimly, knowing she'd never say that to Koikeno. "I'm fine, thanks." Her mental voice added, and she giggled softly.
The girl shrugged, her purple hair falling gently to her shoulders. She was so beautiful.
They all were, Kiki mused. They were all goregeous—her, Koikeno, and her other friend, Gabriella.
Kiki herself had silky black hair that reached down to her middle back, icy white skin, and large, doeish green eyes. Koikeno had sparkling amethyst hair, huge blue eyes with lacy eyelashes, and white skin with a swirl of honey underneath. And Gabriella had silver hair, firey red eyes, and the softest, silkiest breasts Kiki had ever seen.
For a moment, Kiki was a bit stunned she was thinking of Gabriella in those terms, but when that girl looked at you, her voice low and soft, her eyes giving you that amazing bedroom stares, you'd be on your hands and knees in a manner of minutes, pledging yourself to her, irregardless if you'd never looked at a girl in that way before.
Koikeno interrupted her, saying, "I've been right here for the past ten minutes. Why wouldn't I be here?" Kiki blinked.
"I didn't see you ten minutes ago. What are you talking about?" Koikeno looked confused.
"Kiki, I just talked to you! You said you were going into the Ice Caves to catch a Froslass, don't you remember?" Kiki blinked.
"Um...sure! Okay, I'm just tired today, I know, I've been a little weird, and...gotta go!" She blazed off, leaving poor Koikeno looked at her aftercloud of dust like she was mad.
She felt her Pokemon run past her, and she stopped, shocked.
Why were they going past her? Shouldn't they be sticking with her? They were her Pokemon, after all! "Guys, wait!" She called, voice sore and exhausted from running. "Wait a minute! Let me catch up, please!" They took no heed to her pleas, and headed into the Ice Caves.
She sighed, and kept going, though now that stale thing was going deeper and deeper, forming a lake in her stomach, a lake of dread and other nasty little items that weighed a person down if they swam in their own shit long enough.
She slipped on one of the ice patches, and she cried out, not because she was afraid, but from relief, because she'd expected far worse for some reason.
But that was silly. Almost no one went into the Ice Caves. The subzero temperatures ensured if you did, well...at least your body would be well-preserved.
She saw a flicker of flame up ahead. "Mikazi! MIKAZI!" She roared. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MIKAZI?!" She was angered now; he was her starter! And he was just ignoring her, like he didn't even know her!
"...It's like you never existed," A little voice sang in her head. She grunted with frustration, and kept moving forward, oblivious to the bitchy voice in her head.
She slid across the ice, coming to a stop in front of the flickering light. It was coming from inside a wall of ice, and she hesitated for a second. She was incredibly deep in the Ice Caves; if she went in there, she might not come out.
But she took the risk, and pushed on the ice. It shattered easier than she'd expected, and she barely even felt the cold. Of course, she didn't realize this was an early sign of frostbite, because things like that had never happened to trainers.
She walked into the hollow made by the ice wall shattering.
A girl stood there, a girl about her age, who looked much like her. Too much. But something was...off. She wasn't as flawless as Kiki...but it seemed like she was about to be.
Kiki's own Pokemon surrounded her, chattering happily in their own language. Kiki blinked.
"Who are you?" She hissed, hackles raised against this intruder. The girl grinned weakly.
"Your creator."
Kiki was taken aback. Had the Ice Caves done something to this girl's head? She was angry, nevertheless. "No, you're not! I'm not a robot or something! And give me back my Pokemon!" She added as an afterthought. Zag jumped up on the girl's shoulder, and she sighed.
"I don't think so, really. Besides, they're not really yours." Kiki growled. "Are you stupid?! I caught them! I raised them! They're MINE, and you can't have them!" She said, acting like a child in a temper tantrum. The girl shrugged.
"But I'm you. I created you, and I am you, Kiki." The girl seemed serious, and with Kiki snarling at her, she continued.
"I'm a writer, Kiki. I create characters, and I use them, dolls in my own fantasies, playing out scenes from a life I want, I need." Her eyes clouded over with misery.
"Ever wonder why you're so perfect? No, probably not. But I'll tell you. It's because I'm not." Kiki blinked.
"You are me, and I am you. But you're me if I was perfect. With my beautiful skin, my wonderful eyes, and shimmering hair...With Pokemon that were real, free to touch and be touched, battles to see on something other than a screen, and a mother...a mother that loved you." The girl snorted. "Friends."
Kiki was still silent. If she could just get the girl to fall deeper in the Ice Caves, she wouldn't survive much longer. Raito was a psychic, he could do it! "Raito!" She called. "Psychic this girl into the pit! Now, Raito!"
The Gardevoir stared at her, and shook his head. Slowly, he embraced the other girl, who smiled.
"I am you. These are my Pokemon, really; ones I caught, and I trained. Just somewhere far away from here. That place is where I created you." The girl's tone became harsh again.
"This is my world. In here, beloved mothers don't die in car crashes, brothers don't swallow Draino at twenty, fathers don't drink themselves dead every damn night. In this place, there is love, and friendship, and amazing stories to tell. Here, in this place, I am god." Kiki shook her head.
"YOU'RE NOT GOD! YOU'RE CRAZY!" She screamed. The girl shrugged. "You're the Champion, loved by everyone. You've won all the Leagues, you have Pokemon that have never lost a fight, and you've got a blessed bloody shiny on your team. Didn't you ever think that was strange?" Kiki stopped.
Stale...That stale feeling...As if I was living...someone else's fantasies...
"My god." She said, voice crusted over with terror, bile bubbling up past the crust and threatening to push out of her mouth.
The girl nodded.
"You're me. I created you. Now, I wondered, how could I become you?" The girl took on a wicked smile. "I wrote. I used my dad's old typewriter, and I wrote and wrote and wrote, and somehow, I ended up here." She set a sheaf of papers down.
"I planned it all. Everything, all of it. Your boyfriend I decided you'd ditch when I didn't feel like writing him in any more. Your friends, perfect copies of you that were, again, loved by all. Your Pokemon, your mother that loved you, your perfect fucking journey, I CREATED IT ALL!" The girl's face hardened.
"And now I'm taking it back. I've written myself in here, and continued the story. You—or rather, me, finds a wonderful husband, settles down, and has kids, all of whom become just as amazing as she is. It's the life I always wanted." The girl frowned.
"Do you really think it's fair that you would get that life, when I didn't? After all, I created you, not the other way around. Not fair the character gets a better life than the creator, don't you agree?" Kiki shook her head.
"No! You made up my life, I didn't make up yours! There's a difference!" The girl rolled her eyes. Kiki blinked. The eyes...they looked like hers. The girl's body was disappearing...no, not disappearing...thinning.
The girl shook her head. "I created this world. It's my birthright. It's mine, and mine alone. I created you; I gave you your life. And now I'm taking it back. Try to understand. I'll be a lot happier this way."
Kiki shook her head. "What about that other place? Won't they notice you're gone?" The girl shrugged.
"Probably not. Either I've gone into a coma, or died, or maybe they're just searching for a teenage girl who never really had a purpose in that world anyway. It doesn't matter much to me, at any rate." Kiki's voice became high and pitiful.
"But what about me?" She whined. The girl shrugged. Kiki noted with horror that the air had gone stale; no movement breezed through the caves.
"Well, since I'm you, I don't think I need your husk of a body around anymore. Remember, you were originally words on a page. So all I have to do..." The girl took out an ancient typewriter. Kiki's eyes widened.
"Oh...you wouldn't!" She pleaded. The girl shrugged. "Uh, yeah, I would."
She set her fingers on the keyboard, and began to type. "And with the girl's revelations revealed, Kiki stepped back in disbelief. This proved to be her undoing, as the ice slipped around her legs, and she began skidding down, deep into the pit below..." Against her will, Kiki felt her legs slipping, and she began skidding, skidding down deep into that pit past the girl, and she was falling...
"SAVE ME! PLEASE! I'LL LET YOU BE, I SWEAR! I JUST WANNA LIVE!" Kiki pleaded. The girl shrugged.
"You're my old life. My clumsier, much more...one-dimensional, shallow, creation. I'm a better writer now. I can actually write out a great life, one with more...detail, personality, zest...I don't need you. You're too much trouble to have around, at this point." Kiki began screaming, as the girl finished typing.
"Her skin fused to the side of one wall, it began numbing her body from the outside in, and slowly, slowly, her legs and arms were clouded over with frost, her heart froze, her mind slowed and stopped, and the old Kiki was dead. Her body went stale, never decomposing, just...laying in a pit, never to be found." The girl stopped typing, and recalled all of the Pokemon she'd brought in with her, and admired herself in the ice next to her.
"And the young girl known as Kiki came out with a sad story to tell—a teenager had perished in the Ice Caves, and Kiki had tried valiantly to save her, but in the end, could not. Kiki went back to her life as usual, with its' endless adventures, Pokemon, and evil organizations to conquer. And Kiki was loved by all."
The girl shrugged.
"The end."
And they all lived happily ever after.