A Conversation of Sorts

by aikaterini

While the girls are out, Hsi Wu, Malchior, and Dark Heart ridicule each other about lousy scriptwriters, the cost of redemption, and extreme shows of clumsiness. Slight Dark Heart/Christy. One-shot.

Disclaimer: "Teen Titans," "Jackie Chan Adventures," and "Care Bears II: The New Generation" do not belong to me and never will. I mean, come on, this is a crossover. I don't need to tell you that. :)

Author's Note: Just a silly, random "what if" scenario. I thought it was weird how each of the male characters' stories were similar, especially those of Hsi Wu and Malchior, so I decided to shove them in a room together with nothing to do but talk about their similarities. This is also intended to poke fun at them a bit, so don't take this too seriously.

"A Conversation of Sorts"

Click. Click.

Impatient fingers rapidly pushed the channel buttons of the remote as uninteresting television programs continued to appear. The holder of the remote sighed and leaned back against the couch, his arm still extended forward. There's nothing on…maybe I should have gone with them to the movies.

He turned his head to look at his companions, both of whom were gazing languidly at the television screen. They were hardly the sort of people, or rather, beings, that one usually hung out with. The one to the right of the boy had the appearance of a very large, albeit very thin, humanoid bat, with enormous wings and claws, glowing red eyes, and sharp teeth. The creature that was sitting behind the boy was no less imposing, being an enormous black and violent dragon with gleaming red eyes. Somehow the dragon had managed to reduce his size enough to fit in the small living room that they were currently situated in.

The boy smiled wryly. Even though he was certainly not normal by any means, he had never seen any creatures like them before. He distractedly ran a hand through his red hair as he turned to look at the television screen again. His girlfriend had gone with two other girls to see a movie, leaving him and the other two occupants of the room alone together in the house with practically nothing to do but watch T.V.

"How many channels does this television have?" he heard the bat demon hiss.

The boy shrugged. "Christy told me it has about three hundred, what with satellite and everything."

"And yet there is nothing entertaining to watch," intoned the dragon in a British accent. "Quantity does not always constitute quality, I see."

The bat shifted in his seat. "And this couch is too small!" he complained. "We can barely fit."

The boy rolled his eyes. "Well, I think it would work out more if you and Malchior just made yourselves human," he pointed out. "That way, Malchior could actually sit on the couch instead of behind it and we'd have more room."

The bat scowled and crossed his arms, but in a flash of green light, a young man with deep brown eyes and spiky black hair appeared in the same spot that he had been sitting. No sooner had he transformed, that a young man with long white hair and blue eyes stood where the dragon had been sitting. He glided over to the vacant spot by the redheaded boy's left and gracefully seated himself.

The redheaded boy looked quizzically at Malchior. "I thought that was Rorek's true form. Shouldn't your human form look more like your dragon one?"

Malchior elegantly shrugged. "Who knows? It's been ages since I've been out, I've forgotten much. Nobody can make up their minds about what my human form truly looks like," he twisted a pale lock, "so, I'll take this one. After all, I once assumed the magician's identity. Taking on his appearance is not a problem."

"But it is confusing, though," the boy said reasonably. "I was confused myself with the whole name switch between you and Rorek."

"Ah, but what's in a name?" said Malchior delicately. "You should know that, Dark Heart. Or rather, 'The Boy Formerly Known as Dark Heart.'" He smirked.

"Argh!" the redhead groaned. "Don't get me started on that! Stupid scriptwriters! Why couldn't they just leave me as Dark Heart? Christy still calls me by my name, why can't they?"

"Because it has the word, 'Dark' in it," said the raven-haired boy smartly. "You're supposed to be reformed now, so anything associated with your previous evil and darkness has to be eliminated."

"The cost of redemption, I'm afraid," Malchior said lazily, inspecting his fingernails.

"Oh, shut up," snapped Dark Heart. "At least I'm canonically redeemed at all. Unlike you two. With you, it's all a matter of speculation."

"True, but I wouldn't wish to be as sanitized as you have been, Dark Heart," stated Malchior, watching the screen. "Don't you agree, Hsi Wu?"

The Chinese demon nodded.

"What do you mean, 'sanitized?'" questioned Dark Heart suspiciously.

"Your whole character changes," Hsi Wu explained exasperatedly. "Yes, we saw that you obviously had a thing for that Christy girl, but you were originally malicious overall. Suddenly a pack of talking teddy bears revives her, the same pack of bears you've been trying to capture for eons, and you start spouting off like Pinocchio, 'I'm a boy!'" he mimicked Dark Heart's voice. "'A real boy!'"

"Your eyes turn blue," added Malchior.

"You dance around like a ninny," Hsi Wu continued, "You get rid of your original clothes and put on that hideous camp uniform –"

Dark Heart grew indignant. "That was Christy's idea, not mine!"

"And promise to stay in the camp in order to look after a bunch of brats that you don't know or care for," said Hsi Wu, now counting off on his fingers. "You're not just redeemed, Dark Heart; you're made into a – how should I say it – wimp."

"I am not a wimp!" argued Dark Heart hotly. "I like the way I am now! I'm happier, I have Christy and –"

"We're not questioning your relationship with Lady Christina," interrupted Malchior. "Believe me; both of us would be hypocritical to say anything against it. But honestly, would be so dreadful to actually show a bit of a not-so-innocent flare occasionally?"

"Like what?"

Hsi Wu sighed. "It wouldn't kill you to smirk once in a while. Or be a little persuasive, as long as you don't go overboard. And what on earth were you thinking when you got rid of your powers?"

Suddenly, Dark Heart smiled. It wasn't fully a smirk, but it had much mischief in it. "Who said I did?" He snapped his fingers. Instantly, a bowl full of popcorn materialized out of thin air, gently landing into Dark Heart's hands. Settling the bowl on his lap, he took a handful of popcorn and promptly shoved it into his mouth with satisfaction.

Malchior raised an eyebrow at this display. "Who else knows?"

"Christy," said Dark Heart through a mouthful of popcorn, "Maybe John and Dawn, I don't remember if she told them."

"And she has accepted it?" asked Hsi Wu.

Dark Heart nodded, greedily reaching for another handful of popcorn.

"What about the bears?" Malchior said casually, whacking Dark Heart's hand out the way to reach for some popcorn himself.

Dark Heart frowned and then shrugged. "Don't know if they know and don't care,"

"Hmm," Malchior mused. "Well, Lady Christina was gracious enough to forgive you for betraying her, so I don't think the fact that you still have powers would be a problem for her."

Dark Heart's eyes widened. "What! I didn't betray her!"

"You used her," pointed out Hsi Wu, his hand digging into the popcorn bowl.

"You did the same thing with Jade!" retorted Dark Heart. "And Malchior did the same thing with Raven, too!"

Malchior smiled delicately. "So, you admit it. She was your bait to lure the bears."

"No, she –" Dark Heart took a deep breath to calm himself down. "I did use her. I'm not proud of it. But I didn't betray her. I never pretended to be her friend, unlike some other people," glaring at Hsi Wu and Malchior, "I offered to help her, but I told her that there would be a catch. She'd have to repay me. She knew that. I'm not blaming her for it or saying that I wasn't wrong. But at least I didn't betray her. Unlike you two."

"What would you have done in my case, Dark Heart?" said Malchior coolly. "I was trapped within the confines of a dusty book for centuries, yearning for freedom. When the opportunity arose, I took it. Unfortunately, it required that I deceive Raven, but it was the only way. I need to escape, needed to be free. Surely, Hsi Wu must understand."

"Of course," agreed Hsi Wu. "My prison may not have been as constricting as a book, but it was still prison. What was the sky there to me? A vast area of eternal emptiness."

"But you weren't alone, like Malchior was," Dark Heart pointed out. "Your siblings were with you.

Hsi Wu grimaced. "True, but there were some days when I'd wish that I were in solitude."

"Then you were a fool," said Malchior harshly. Dark Heart and Hsi Wu quickly glanced at him, surprised in his change in mood. "Solitude can only bring enough peace and quiet for so long. With it comes the stupor of madness, which is another reason why I was so pleased to meet Lady Raven. Even if she ultimately could not release me, at least she could temporarily relieve my isolation."

"Perhaps," said Hsi Wu, reverting one of his hands to a claw. "But mostly you were interested in her for the freedom she would bring to you." He then began to pick at his teeth with one of his talons.

"True," Malchior admitted. "But I did enjoy our conversations." He shifted in his seat to look critically at Hsi Wu. "Besides, your chief interest in Lady Jade was due to your desire of freedom as well, was it not?"

"No," Dark Heart put in, before Hsi Wu could say anything. "He was already free. He was using Jade to get his tail back."

"What?" Malchior exclaimed, while Hsi Wu's eyes furtively shifted to the side. "That is not what you told me."

Hsi Wu scratched his head sheepishly. "I thought it would sound better,"

"You mean, less ridiculous," Dark Heart sniggered. Hsi Wu shot him a glare.

"Your tail?" Malchior repeated. "Pray tell, how did that come about?"

Hsi Wu scowled, remembering. "It was just after my brother Shendu had released me. My portal was right in front of the ladies' room,"

"Don't ask," Dark Heart said in a stage whisper to Malchior.

Hsi Wu rolled his eyes, but continued, "And Jade had been in there, completely oblivious to my arrival. So she opened the door and was naturally terrified the moment she saw me. So she shut the door –"

"And your tail got stuck," finished Dark Heart. "And you pulled and she pushed, and somehow your tail snapped off."

Malchior looked incredulous. "And how old was Lady Jade at the time of this event?"

Hsi Wu reddened and looked away, muttering under his breath.

"What was that?" asked Malchior, his sharp ears, picking up traces of Hsi Wu's mutterings, "Eleven, you say?"

"Yes," mumbled Hsi Wu.

Malchior held a hand up. "So let me understand this. Your tail was removed from your body due to an eleven-year-old girl pushing a door against it?"

Hsi Wu glared fiercely at a smirking Dark Heart (yes, Dark Heart was finally regaining his smirking abilities). "At least I wasn't pathetic enough to have been defeated multiple times by a pack of sentimental teddy bears! With rainbows, for creation's sake!"

"You couldn't even open a backpack by yourself!" countered Dark Heart. "And you were in your demon form, too! You kept pulling at it and clawing at it, and it still wouldn't open! It didn't even rip!"

"That's not the point!" snapped Hsi Wu, while he was inwardly cursing that infuriatingly durable backpack. "Look at you! You were the poster child for clumsiness! I'm not surprised if you tripped on air at one point!"

"You crashed into a billboard and then into a rock, later on," Dark Heart pointed out smugly, "while chasing after the same girl."

Hsi Wu snorted. "Big deal. In your ridiculous game of 'Hide and Seek' with the bears, you wound up falling onto a slide, being catapulted into a tower window via a seesaw, being deposited onto a cart, colliding into a cake, being hit in the face with a bowl, and finally wheeling out of the tower and ending up underneath the cart. And all because you somehow couldn't catch a single bear. Now that's pitiful."

"As amusing as this argument has been," interrupted Malchior before either of them could continue, "I think the two of you are failing to realize that both of you have been rendered pathetic by your opponents by the mere fact of who they were."

Both Hsi Wu and Dark Heart twisted around to look at him. "What?"

"I'll start with the more obvious case," Malchior began. "As Hsi Wu said before, Dark Heart, your opponents were rather…sentimental. And nauseatingly friendly. And…" he shuddered, "…fluffy." Yet in nearly every encounter, they overpowered you with ridiculous devices such as rainbow beams borne from their bellies. I really don't see why you didn't just kill them instead of going to all that trouble just to capture them."

"Or you could have eaten them, instead," added Hsi Wu.

Dark Heart scowled. "Because I'm more limited than the two of you. With me, it has to be squeaky-clean or else –"

"It won't happen," finished Malchior. "I realize that. But still, it's rather pitiful. Especially when you were outsmarted and humiliated by their companions who were nothing more than animated stars and hearts fluttering around."

Hsi Wu snickered while Dark Heart scowled even further. Malchior then leveled his gaze at Hsi Wu. "But don't think you're exempt, Hsi Wu. If you had been defeated by Jackie Chan, I could have understood, for he is a very skilful fighter. I could have understood if it were his uncle, who is quite a talented chi wizard, or his friend Tohru, the massive sumo champion. But for God's sakes, man, Lady Jade? Who was merely eleven years old at the time?"

"It wasn't my fault!" Hsi Wu snapped, his good humor vanishing. "She had Shendu's talismans to help her! How else do you think she could have flown? Certainly not all by herself."

"True," acknowledged Malchior. "But what about when she was trapped in your dimension? She had no talismans, then. She had nothing, save a feeble camera, and you had already taken that from her. Yet she still managed to defeat you again."

"She was fast for her age, all right?" grumbled Hsi Wu. "Besides, my siblings and I were so concerned about beating each other to the portal that we forgot all about her. I was distracted!"

Dark Heart chortled. "'I bet you were."

"Even if that were the case," said Malchior, "it still doesn't change the fact that you were overcome by a little girl,"

"Well, what about you, Malchior?" Dark Heart said suddenly, "Raven defeated you."

"Yes, but that was different," said Malchior dismissively.

Hsi Wu raised an eyebrow. "In what way?"

Malchior stretched. "First, even though Raven was still technically a child, she was a young woman, not an eleven-year-old youngster. Secondly, she was quite well-versed in magic, under my guidance." A bragging note entered his voice.

"Yes, but she was already adept at magic before she met you," pointed out Hsi Wu. "It took her years to master her powers."

"True," admitted Malchior. "But I taught her to shape them, to better control them, to further explore her potential."

"You mean to teach her more dark magic," Dark Heart said dryly.

Malchior waved his hand dismissively. "In any case, whether or not I taught her, Raven was a worthy opponent. What she lacked in size, she made up for in magical ability."

"Yeah, but I bet you were still sore about it while you were skulking around in your book," laughed Dark Heart. "I doubt you were as respectful of her then."

This time, it was Malchior's turn to glare at him while Hsi Wu smirked. Dark Heart stretched and looked at his watch. "They should be here soon," he remarked. "The movie must have ended a while ago."

"Yes, but knowing your girlfriend, she probably took Raven and Jade to a hot-spot restaurant for a 'girls' night out' type of thing," said Hsi Wu dryly. "Are you sure there's nothing on T.V.?"

"Well," said Dark Heart, clicking the remote once again. "I think there was a movie on about a werewolf stalking his next-door neighbor,"

Malchior's face was impassive. "How lovely,"

Suddenly, they heard the doorbell ring, a sound which effectively nullified their need for a movie. Dark Heart tossed the popcorn bowl to the side and stood up. With an eager "I'll get it!", he quickly made his way to the door.

Malchior turned around to face the television screen again and leaned back. "Well, this was interesting. I just hope that next time that we're left behind; it'll be at Raven's place. At least there would be more to do there than eat popcorn while flipping through useless channels."

"And mindlessly chatter about our personal lives," put in Hsi Wu. "But I do think that our conversation was entertaining, in all honesty. Although, now I am curious about that werewolf movie that Dark Heart mentioned…"